21. Goals

Goals

M ara

I woke slowly, warm and boneless, curled against Zale’s broad back, my arm looped around his waist. I slipped my hand under his t-shirt and splayed my fingers over his stomach, lightly scratching the springy hair. I loved the feel of his body.

I loved last night. I no longer felt quite so hungry or off kilter. I mentally calculated how long I’d have to wait for this to happen again. Two days? Three? Whenever it hit three days, the panic set in. I could skip one day, easily, most of the time. Two days and I was on edge. Three and I was shaking like an addict .

I felt him wake. He slid his hand over mine, rolled to his back and invited me into the crook of his shoulder. He wrapped his hand around my hip and gave me a squeeze.

“Pee, teeth, back to bed.” He slapped me lightly on the ass and slid his arm out from under me. “We’ll check out and go for breakfast after I’ve had my fill of you.”

I lay still for a moment, surprised, then stretched like a satisfied cat while he used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom he was sitting against the headboard, the sheet pulled up to his waist. I climbed in beside him, he opened his arm and turned to his side, tucking around me, his hand arching my back to press my breasts against his chest, enveloping me in his arms. With his knee he put pressure between my thighs and pushed through.

I was too surprised that we were doing it again so soon to think too much.

He stared down into my upturned face, a lazy half-smile on his face. “What do you want, baby?” He kissed the corner of my mouth. “Do you want to make love?” He kissed my eyes. “Do you want to fuck?” He pressed his thigh tighter against my heat and crinkled his eyes. “Or do you want to play?”

I was so happy at that moment; I’d give him anything he wanted.

“What do you want? I want you to do what you want.”.

He looked surprised. “I can play this any way you want. All those feelings are there to tap into, all the time.” He dipped and kissed my mouth, once, twice, softly nipping at my bottom lip. “Your pleasure is my pleasure so long as it ends with me inside you.”

I whispered, hoping I wasn’t asking too much. “I want to play.”

He smiled. “You’re not going to be able to stand by the time I’m done with you.”

By the time we checked out we’d missed breakfast and opted to go out for lunch instead. Sitting at the restaurant, I realized, again, that we didn’t go out as much as we used to. We were back at Molly Bloom’s; we’d liked it that much the day before. I looked around, the place had a great atmosphere, just like the pubs I remembered in Dublin.

He grinned at me from across the table. “Good to be out like the rest of the grownups, right, gorgeous?”

I smiled back and nodded as the waitress came to our table. She smiled at us, friendly. I didn’t sense any judgement from her, I smiled back. I watched Zale as he chatted with her, uncharacteristically friendly and smiling. I realized he was happy, then I felt the fear rise in my gut.

I turned my head and my body away while I pretended to look for something in my purse.

Don’t ruin this Mara. This is a normal interaction. Do you want him to be afraid to go out with you ?

I refocused quickly on some of the things he’d done to my body just a little over an hour ago which forced other thoughts further from my mind.

I turned back just as she was finishing talking, it was only a moment in time, but it represented a fundamental switch and a decision made. I would no longer watch Zale when he was talking with other women. I would take the risk that something bad would happen and I would miss it. I would take the risk that he would want someone else, and I wouldn’t catch it. I would take that risk because watching risked greater evils.

I turned my attention fully back to the table. I smiled at the waitress, then at Zale. He reached for me across the space between us as she turned to take our order into the kitchen. He turned my hand palm down on the table and covered it with his, connecting us, covering me.

“Does this place remind you of Dublin? I almost expected her to have an accent.”

We’d gone to Dublin shortly before I got pregnant with Olivia. It was the home of his ancestors, and we met the branch of the family that still lived there. Friendly, outspoken, hospitable people. We had a ball, I especially loved getting the insider’s tour of Dublin.

We reminisced and our conversation rolled easily from one topic to the next, the intimacy we’d shared over the past two days connecting me to him, tethering me to the present, grounding me in reality .

I could feel his love for me. My eyes wandered over his beloved face, watching him take in his surroundings, seeing his eyes spark with interest and curiosity.

We really needed to get out more. Work, home, work, home, was not enough, especially for him. I lived in my head more often than not. My mouth twisted, not the best thing sometimes. I needed to get out just as much as he did.

“I had a great time, Zee. Let’s go out adulting more often.”

He dipped his chin. “At least once a month, gorgeous, twice would be better. You can leave Olivia more now, and she’s got to get used to it because you’re going to be out spending time looking after yourself, too.”

“You think we don’t go out because of Olivia?”

He nodded and chuckled. “Indirectly. You don’t want to leave her. You never have. And that’s good, in a way, because you devote yourself to her, you put her first, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. However,” he paused choosing his next words carefully, “you don’t have to put all her wants and desires before your needs. Her needs come first. But we need to address your needs as well, regularly, and often. That has to happen even if Livvy doesn’t get everything she wants, and even when it makes Livvy uncomfortable. ”

I squirmed in my seat. Uncomfortable at just the thought of making Olivia unhappy or distressed with my absence, uncomfortable that he did not know the extent of the reasons why we did not go out.

He squeezed my hand. “She needs a bit of independence from you, too. This is also a need for her.”

I relaxed. Couched in terms of doing what was best for Olivia made it easier for me to do what would also be necessary for Zale, and for me.

Our waitress delivered our food to our table and skittered off again to the kitchen. The food was good Irish fare and we scarfed it down. I chatted with the waitress when she returned to check on us, kept my thoughts under control when she turned to Zale, and most importantly, I didn’t pop the bubble of happy intimacy that surrounded us.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t invisible.

Zale settled the cheque and as she was leaving she pointed at both of us. “Goals. You guys are a beautiful couple.”

I must have looked surprised which in turn surprised her. “Am I wrong?”

Zale answered in his deep, mellow voice, looking at me. “You’re not wrong.”

I smiled, deeply pleased. She laughed and gave me a thumbs up as she turned away .

We walked hand-in-hand back to the car. Looking up at his gorgeous, impassive face, I remembered feeling intimidated by him at first. Taciturn and reticent, he covered up his natural shyness, but he revealed a steadiness, a steadiness that was my greatest source of grounding.

He looked down at me, squeezed my hand while he crinkled his eyes and gave me his signature half smirk. “You enjoy yourself, gorgeous?”

I nodded happily, hugged his arm to my front, raised my face for his quick, hard kiss, and got into the car for the scenic drive home. The scenery inside the car was better, but in the short intervals when conversation paused, the outside was pretty good too.