18. Button Pusher

Button Pusher

M ara

“I haven't heard from you lately.”

It was Friday morning. I usually didn’t pick up the phone, unless it was a family member or Bex, who knew not to disturb me in the mornings unless absolutely necessary. I saw my maiden name on the call display, and although I doubted there was any kind of emergency, and Olivia and I were finally getting some work done, I couldn’t ignore the call and take that chance. She barreled into her complaint immediately without saying hello.

“Mom, I spoke to you a couple of days ago. Remember? I asked you to pick up macaroni and cheese.”

“That’s right!” She chuckled. “My memory! Well, I haven’t heard from you lately when you’re not asking for something.”

She paused, seemed to be waiting. I nearly swallowed my tongue. I rarely asked anybody for anything. Except for Bex and Willa.

“Really, Mom? What have I asked for?”

I was gaining some clarity, seeing her manipulations for what they were, and I was feeling less confused after our conversations.

“Oh, you know, you need support sometimes. I don’t mind. You’re my baby girl. You’ll always be my baby.” I narrowed my eyes, but it was not worth following this line of conversation.

“What’s up, Mom?” The macaroni and cheese episode still irritated me, but I endeavored not to show it.

“Just wanted to chat with you.”

“I homeschool in the mornings, Mom.”

“You weren’t homeschooling the other morning when you asked me to get the macaroni and cheese.”

Now she remembers I called?

“You’re right, I wasn’t. I am now.”

“You know Mara, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it that’s the problem. ”

“Oh?”

“Don’t get all high and mighty with me, young lady, I’m still your mother. You could just tell me politely that you are busy with schooling, and you’ll have to let me go. There’s no need to be touchy.”

I put my finger up to Olivia to ask her to wait a minute and left the sunroom.

“I haven’t asked politely? I haven’t explained? Half a dozen times in the past six months alone?” Now that I’d started to understand how self-centered my mother was it was getting more difficult to hold my tongue.

“Mara, honestly, you can’t expect me to remember your schedule. Not everybody’s world revolves around Olivia.”

“No,” I took a deep breath, “but mine does.”

There was a long silence on the line that I finally interrupted and made the mistake of telling her that Zale and I were going away for a night so she wouldn’t worry.

“That’s nice! Who is taking Olivia? Dean and what’s his wife’s name again?”

“Sophie.” Who had only been to every family gathering we had over the past sixteen years. “And, no, she’s staying with Willa.”

I realized my second mistake as the words left my lips, but it was too late to pull them back in .

“Why don’t you ever ask me to take her?”

“Olivia is comfortable with Willa, and Willa understands Olivia’s needs. She is extremely flexible to meet them.”

“Well, maybe, if you didn’t keep Olivia away from me she’d be more comfortable with me!” Her shrill voice had sharpened to a point.

I was well into it with her now, and this time I wasn’t about to appease her. Later I would wish I didn’t always feel the need to defend myself.

“I bring her to see you every week. Sometimes twice.”

“You never ask me over for dinner. I’m here alone most of the time, it takes me a whole week to fill the dishwasher! You’re over there with your husband and your child, and your sister who you turned against me…”

“What?!” I snapped in disbelief.

“Yes! You took her from me, always wanting to babysit, wanting me to go out with dad so you could have her to yourself, always playing the little mother!” She spit the words out like they tasted bitter in her mouth.

“That is not true.” I made my voice firm. “You made me babysit, I didn’t want to babysit four nights a week!”

Especially not when Willa was a newborn, and I was only thirteen. Especially not when being at home alone when it was dark outside, with a baby, terrified me. Especially not when it was so often, and only so she could go out with my dad or her friends. Especially not when I was in my late teens and I wanted to go out with my friends!

“Oh, very nice! Does Willa know how you resent her?” she retorted sarcastically.

“What are you even saying?” My voice rose an octave. “I don’t resent Willa, I love Willa.”

“Then why are you always complaining about babysitting her when you were younger? Families help each other, Mara. That’s what families do. You, though, you’re so busy you won’t even have me over for dinner.”

“I invited you last week. You declined.”

“That damn cat! You know I can’t be around it!”

“Take Benadryl, like a normal person, and come over.” I bit out each word succinctly.

Silence stretched across the line. I refused to break it this time.

She sniffed. “You’ve always been a bit selfish, Mara. That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to follow my example, never having anything for yourself. You have to live your own life. It’s just hard for me because the best part of my life is over.”

She’d just flipped the switch on my greatest fear, losing Zale. I could empathize with her in this, and all the rest of her bullshit was swept away by the force of my compassion, and the triggering of my fear.

“I know it’s hard, Mom. Find some purpose, maybe volunteer somewhere, focus on what someone else needs, giving someone else what they are missing, it might make it easier to cope with what’s missing in your life.”

“I’ve worked my whole life. All I’ve done is look after people. I want something for myself now.” Her voice trembled with pain or irritation; I could not tell.

“Okay.” I pulled on my reserve of patience. “One minute, mom.”

I walked back to the sunroom and covered the mouthpiece of the phone to speak to Olivia. “Olivia, you can take a break and I’ll be back after I talk to Gran-Gran.”

It was going to be hell to get her back on track, but I needed to give some time and attention to my mother. Her level of irritation exceeded her norm. I carried my phone back out of the sunroom to talk to her.

“What is it that you want for yourself?”

“I want your father back. I want the life I lived back then. I want you and your sister to have a little more respect for family, and for me.”

Luckily for me, compassion would only carry me so far. “I do have respect for you mom, but I also have my own life, as well as Olivia and Zale to look after, and honestly, Mom? You are more than capable of looking after yourself.”

“And Zale can’t look after himself? He can’t step in more with Olivia so you can come to me?”

“Again, you can look after yourself. Zale works all day. He often works late. I see you, as it is, once or twice a week, during the day, with Olivia. Is that not enough?”

“Obviously, for you, it is. I’ll let you go, Mara. You’re obviously very busy. Don’t worry about the reason for my call. I’ll figure it out myself.”

I took a deep breath. Then I found my backbone. “Thank you. I will call you this afternoon when I’m not homeschooling Olivia.”

“Not today. I’ve had enough arguing for today.”

“Well, you call me when you’re ready to talk then. Goodbye Mom. I hope you have a good day today.”

She sniffed. “Good-bye, Mara. Enjoy your life,” she whispered, and ended the call.

I put the phone down slowly, pulling air in through my nose and pushing it slowly out through my mouth. My heart was a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere at sixty miles an hour. My entire system was in shock, shaking like a leaf in the wind.

Intellectually, I knew I was right not to give in to her demands. So, what was the source of the panic? It was like she’d installed a button in me when I was a child, a button that she pushed when I did not fall in line the way she wanted me to, a button that when pushed activated the programming to do whatever it took to calm and appease her, to make her pleased with me once again. Appeasing her, calmed me.

I paced in circles, from the kitchen, around the family room, back to the kitchen, pulling myself together a little bit more with every breath.

My phone rang again. My heart skittered to a stop in my chest. I peered at the display. Willa.

“Willa?”

“She just call you?” Willa clipped.

“Yes.”

“Bitch!” she exclaimed, then softer, “Are you okay?”

“So-so.” It suddenly occurred to me that she must have called Willa. “Did she call you?” I asked incredulously.

“Oh, yeah.” Willa answered firmly, “What bullshit did she hand you?”

“She wants to take Olivia when Zale and I go overnight, says I turned you away from her, that I don’t respect her, take care of her, I keep Olivia from her, I can’t even remember all the crap she spewed. What did she say to you? ”

“Well, she had a theme going in any case. Apparently, I’m trying to turn you away from her, got you that ‘damn cat’ so she can’t visit, I’m trying to drive a wedge between her and Olivia, that I’m selfish and self-centered. I think that covers it.”

“Yeah, she said I was selfish too.” I snorted.

“You do know it’s all bullshit, right Mara?”

“She just twists things so much! She said I took you away by kicking her out so I could babysit you, then when I said that it wasn’t me who wanted to babysit four nights a week she accused me of resenting you and not wanting to be a family that helps one another.”

Cold washed over me and I was afraid. I hadn’t meant to say that part, not wanting Willa to believe any part of that might be true.

“She creates her own reality and changes the narrative to suit herself, Mara!” she replied, exasperated.

“I don’t resent you,” I explained evenly, despite the flipping of my stomach.

“I know that,” she replied gently, “but it would be okay if you resented our parents for making you babysit so much. That’s on them, not me, and has nothing to do with us. Don’t worry about that, okay?”

I took a relieved breath. “Okay. It was good for us in the end anyway, made us close, gave us a bond she can’t break. ”

It was Willa’s turn to release the breath she didn’t know she was holding, surprised at the realization that she, too, was worried about Bea driving a wedge between her and Mara.

I continued, “I just want her to understand that I’m busy and have my own pressures. I just want her to look after herself, which she is more than capable of doing, and not try to constantly guilt me into doing more for her.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“If she doesn’t what?”

“If she never understands that you are doing nothing wrong? If she doesn’t stop trying to guilt you?”

It never occurred to me that was an option. What reasonable human would look at me and not see that my hands were full? I couldn’t fathom a person not being able to understand what seemed to me to be perfectly logical.

“I always figured if I could just explain it right, I could make her see and understand, and then she’d accept things and give me some space.”

“It’s not going to happen. If it doesn’t suit her purpose, it’s not going to happen.” Willa spoke with finality.

“What did you say to her?”

Willa laughed. “I advised her that I would talk to her if she ever got counseling and to have a nice day. ”

“What did she say to that?” I breathed, both impressed and fearful of Willa’s audacity.

“I don’t know. I hung up.”

“You hung up?”

“Well, yeah.”

“It doesn’t upset you?”

“Sometimes it does. Right now, I’m just upset that she twists you up in knots. I’ve got her figured out, I think, and I’ve mostly made my peace with it.” She paused. “Mara, you have depression, you have Olivia, Zale is working a lot, you have homeschooling, Olivia’s therapy, your therapy, your writing, keeping house, you have so much going on, some of it really heavy stuff that other people, including Mom, don’t have to find the strength and resources to cope with. You don’t need to deal with the imaginary bullshit that Mom tries to put on you.”

“I feel sorry for her,” I admitted, then conceded, “also, her anger is terrifying to me.”

“I understand that. Feel sorry for Olivia. Feel sorry for Zale. Feel sorry for me, for Bex, because we get Mara who is stressed and exhausted. Most of all, save your compassion for you, because you’re the one who is being emotionally bitch slapped.”

I laughed. “Wow, don’t hold back, Willa! I love you; do you know that? ”

She huffed out a laugh. “I do, Mara, I really do. Don’t know what I’d do without your love. Just… think about what I said. Give yourself a break and think about breaking free of the crazy cycle Mom pulls you into, for Olivia’s sake at least. It’s not healthy, the way Mom treats you, and you allowing it is not healthy either.”

“I’m starting to see that.”

“Let me ask you something. Would you ever treat Olivia like that?”

“God, no.” My answer was immediate.

“There you go,” she responded softly, “you know the truth inside. No one protected little Mara from Mom’s wrath. You’re going to have to protect yourself. Unless I’m there. If I’m there I’ll be all over that shit,” she ended with disgust.

I laughed. Willa was usually even-tempered and controlled. It was only when something triggered her protective instincts that she got riled.

“I know you would.” I sighed. “I need to stop feeling guilty for saying no to her. I should be allowed to say no without having a panic attack.”

“Agreed. However, the only person who will allow you to do that? It’s you. If you’re waiting for her permission, it’ll be a long wait. She won’t give it.”

“Love you, Willa.”

“Love you, too, Mara. ”

I felt better, emotionally wrung out from the rollercoaster of emotions, but better than I did when I first got off the call with my mother. Thank God for wise little sisters.

I gathered Olivia from the sunroom, which took some doing, and we made homemade cookies to eat after lunch and to surprise Daddy. We eventually got most of her schoolwork done, which was a huge relief to me considering the past two weeks were a complete academic write-off.

I had done enough work for the day, so I set it aside and sat with Olivia and Sirius in a blanket nest on the couch, watching Harry Potter, and making to-do lists for Olivia and myself, in preparation for my night away with Zale. It was a much nicer way to while away the day than the all-out panic that had previously been scheduled. Olivia lay down and curled up beside me with her head on my lap, her little hand wrapped around my leg.

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you, too, little bird.”

This was the scene that greeted Zale when he came home from work. He headed to the kitchen, his finger hooked in his tie, loosening it, and dropped a twelve pack of Kraft dinner on the counter. He stood at the foot of the couch, his mouth soft, his eyes warm.

“My girls. ”

He changed out of his suit, ordered us pizza, which being Olivia’s favorite we ate far too much of, and joined us in the blanket nest.

.