Chapter 38

Chapter 38

Poppy

When my phone vibrates, I'm fighting the weight of my eyelids. As soon as I see who sent the text, my heart starts to thump harder, and the weight on my eyelids vanishes.

I sit up and grip my phone tighter, then reply,

It's ten-thirty at night, and after a large glass of wine I forced myself to drink, I'm more than overdue for a good night's sleep. At least I was before a knock came at my door, filling my body with nerves. I jump from bed, go to the front door, and see the bottle of wasp spray and the chair I placed in front of it.

"Who is it?" I shout as I grab the spray.

"Me," Julian's voice responds.

I exhale, slide the chair away, and unlock the door. Opening it without a second thought about my appearance, Julian's gentle smile tells me all I need to know: My worried face revealed all my thoughts.

"You look perfect," he says.

I glance down and grimace. I'm wearing silk pajamas, which are classy except for the hotdog pattern on them. Naturally, this embarrassing gift is from Harper. She got them for me after I rejected her offer of a blind date, telling me this was the closest to a 'cock' I was going to get if I didn't stop hiding.

Harper's persistent because she has no idea why I'm hiding. It's the one secret I can't confess to her, which causes me to lie and make excuses. A single secret might seem bearable, but what no one tells you is how one secret turns into a torrent of lies. Those lies are like gale-force winds slowly battering me. I hate having to lie to my best friend, but I'm so deep in falsehoods about my ex that I don't know how to get myself out of it. Even if I saw a way to tell her the truth, there was still the threat Andrew tied around my neck. It's been years, but he would come back to kill me and Henry, I'm sure of it.

"I take it you like hotdogs," Julian starts to chuckle.

"Harper got them for me," I reply.

"Of course," he nods, understanding the quirky humor of a friend like Harper.

I push the door open. "You wanna come in?" I offer, and regret floods in immediately. It's not that I don't want to see him; it's the wave of fears that come with letting someone into my personal space.

Oh my god, why didn't I clean up last night? What if it's dirty, or dusty, or…or…

He nods, and I can't help but notice the satisfied air about him, practically glowing with a sense of achievement. He's still in his work clothes, and after the day we had, I expected him to be as paranoid and as tired as I am.

"What's happening? Did you find out who sent the pictures?" I ask as I close the door.

"What are you holding?" His eyes narrow with confusion, fixed on the bottle I'm hugging tightly to my chest.

I set the bottle of wasp spray down, mortified. "Nothing. Just another crazy thing Harper got me."

Julian's observant gaze catches the chair still next to the front door. "You're scared," he notes, his smile fading into a frown of concern.

I step forward and grab his hand, which is hot and callused but comforting. "The things that make me nervous don't have anything to do with what's happening to you, Julian. I'm scared and worried about you, but my reaction is because of stuff from my past, not our future." I swipe my thumb back and forth over his palm.

I gesture for him to come in and head to the living room. "When I got home from work, there was a maintenance guy here. He needed to fix the sprinkler heads or something. Having a stranger in my space made me nervous, so I put the chair there."

His fingers interlace with mine, his shoulders tense protectively. "What man?"

"Building maintenance. It was nothing." I shrug. "He was just finishing up when I got home, but he scared me. An overreaction on my part."

"Promise me next time you won't let a stranger inside while you are alone," he says, his other hand raising to cup my cheek gently.

"I promise," I reply as I lean into his touch.

He leans down and kisses me. It starts slow as if he is savoring the taste and movement of my lips against his. A few gentle swipes of tongues, and the slowness turns into a passionate frenzy. My entire body heats up, electric waves coursing up and down my spine. The thin material of my silk pajamas does nothing to hide his arousal pressing into my core, and my response mirrors his intensity.

"I wanted to say goodnight to you," Julian admits, then takes my breath away as his tongue swirls around mine. He sucks on my lip and bites it gently. The moan that leaves my mouth is never acknowledged because Julian claims it, swallowing it down hungrily. Then his hands slip under my pajamas, palming my hips, and a wave of desire coats my thighs. I feel his callused fingers push and grab my smooth skin. It's the biggest turn-on, having the hands of a real man, not a monster, on me. Hands that are honest, not smoothed down with a mask of lies.

"I love it when you grab me like this," I admit, the truth slipping out. His lips curve into a smile over mine as he kisses me more passionately, grinding his growing erection into my core.

"What else do you love, Pumpkin?" he asks, his voice low and husky.

If I answer honestly, we'll end up having sex right here on the floor. I want that, but what we need is more important. Harper would argue the opposite. We need to slow things down. I want to make memories with Julian, not just quick snapshots.

I inch my fingers up into his hair. He closes his eyes as I begin to massage his scalp. "I love seasonal spices," I tease.

He stifles a laugh, knowing what I'm doing. "How about ‘cock'?" He grinds his hips up, his hardness pressing directly between my wet core. That's the spot! "You like that, Pumpkin?"

I bite my lip and nod. I'd like it more if I lost my morals and allowed you to do all the naughty things I can think of.

"Good," he breathes, his lips trailing along my jaw to the sensitive spot under my ear. "Because I'm going to give it to you soon."

My lips part with newfound desperation. His eyes darken with gratification as he lifts me suddenly, and my legs instinctively wrap around his hips as I laugh.

"You're driving me insane," he whispers seductively as he sucks on my neck. "I came here to talk, and now all I can think about is taking you right here against the wall."

"Savage, bordering on feral. I'm not sure if that's a red flag or a green one." I joke.

He locks eyes with mine. "Wanna find out?"

Absolutely. "Didn't we need to talk first?"

"Reasonable and levelheaded," he says with a playful smirk. "I'm not sure if that's a red flag or a green one," he jokes back. Then he kisses me again, slow and smooth, gently pressing me against the wall and his hot, seductive body.

"If this is how you say goodnight," I pant, "how do you say good morning?"

His smile beams, "Do you want to find out?" His grey eyes lock onto mine, full of promise and desire.

Thump, thump! My heart races.

Yes, my body screams.

But my mind cautions, reminding me of past experiences. The last time I tried to have sex, I freaked out and fled from that poor guy's apartment. I can't risk that with Julian. Nor can I endure the embarrassment of trying and failing with him. Men have their limits, and seeing me react and then freak out is definitely not appealing. I don't think it will happen, but I'm not ready to try yet. I need a few more days, a few more moments like this, where he helps erase my past.

"Too fast?" Julian senses my hesitation and kisses me gently. "I'm not rushing you. I don't want you to think that," he reassures, then readjusts my hips.

"You're shoulder," I blurt out, concerned about his injury.

"I'm fine," he assures me.

I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. "I want your goodnights and good mornings, Julian, it's just…" I pause, grappling with honesty. "What if we start something and I realize I'm not ready? I've only been with one other person, and it wasn't good."

There, it's out. A sliver of my secret.

God, it feels good.

Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with emotions.

Julian pulls my back off the wall, replacing it with his hands as he raises them higher to hold me in a tight embrace. "You control how fast or slow we go, Poppy. I don't care as long as I get to see you."

A knot forms in my stomach.Just keep being honest, Poppy, tell him. "I'm not the type of girl who takes what she wants. What I mean is..." How do I tell him I like a dominant man but one who still respects and listens to me? One who controls the pace but also watches out for my reactions.

I thought Andrew was this man; he was always so controlling, but the night of the party changed everything. Maybe some of the fault is mine, he said I kept tempting him. Maybe I pushed him too much.

Or maybe you are still making excuses for him. Stop protecting a monster, Poppy.

"You want me to be in control. To take the lead," he states as if he can read my mind.

I nod, my eyes reflecting trust and a hint of vulnerability.

I believe in female empowerment and women taking what they want, but I'm just not the kind of woman who pushes a guy against a wall, rips his pants off, and takes what she wants. That's just not me, but I applaud the women Like Harper who can do that. It just doesn't turn me on.

That's what's been so hard – trusting someone else to control the pace of our relationship, to take the lead. I'm more of a submissive.

"That's fine," Julian replies, his voice reassuring. "I'll control our ship, but you control our anchor. Whenever you want me to stop or slow down, just tell me."

"I don't want you to think you're the problem."

"I don't," he assures me. "I know something in your past is, and I look forward to erasing your past with better memories of our future."

I feel content, so happy that it startles me. That nagging voice in my mind starts to chatter, trying to ruin my moment. I know the facts: Julian and I barely know each other, yet it feels like he's known me for years. I should slow things down, but I don't want to.

I rest my cheek against his chest, listening to the steady thumping of his heart. His next exhale sounds peaceful.

"Where's your bedroom?" he whispers.

My muscles tense, a mix of excitement and nerves coursing through me.

"I'm not going to sleep with you, Poppy," he assures me as he shifts my weight, still holding me. "Just trust me."

"To the left, the last door past the kitchen," I direct him, my voice a soft murmur.

"A mirror of my layout," he comments as he walks with me in his arms. We reach my room, and he sits on my bed, repositioning my legs but keeping them wrapped around him.

Julian Sterling is in my bedroom!

"I came over because I wanted to say goodnight, but I also wanted to tell you that tomorrow morning, I want you to wake up with one less secret." His tone is tender, and his eyes are wanting.

I run my hand through his short hair; it feels silky under my touch.

He reveals who his uncle is and how he is leading the investigation. Naturally, his uncle, being the head of the CIA, found out about us. Therefore, tomorrow morning, he wants us to meet with HR to tell them we have been seeing each other.

"What if they don't agree?" I ask, a hint of concern in my voice.

"There's nothing for them not to agree to. We aren't the only couple working for Sterling Defense. It's frowned upon but not illegal. We will keep it professional at work, which I know at times might be a challenge, but it's an obstacle I'm willing to face. Are you?" His gaze searches mine for an answer.

I bite my lip. "Yes."

"I want to be honest with you; this doesn't mean I can shout to the world that you're mine yet." I feel a heat sweep over my cheeks. "I'm still going to have the CIA guarding me until we find out who is behind the threats."

"I understand," I reply. A cloud covers some of the joy radiating from me. I want to know he's safe. I hope it doesn't take the CIA long to uncover who is threatening his family.

Threats are not like a sickness. You get over sickness eventually. Threats are more like plagues, all-consuming. I don't want to see Julian suffer like I did from a threat hanging over your head.

"Are you okay with this? I know it's a lot. I will try to minimize the risk to you as much as I can, but—"

I grab his hand. "Julian, I understand. Dating you has risks, but dating always does. Sure, it's not the same risk you're facing now, but I know what I'm getting into. I know you're going to do everything to keep me safe."

He grins and tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. "So, Poppy Moore, will you officially be my girlfriend?"

I feel a flutter of wings in my belly, his question igniting a youthful, carefree sensation within me. "That depends. Are you going to keep putting up twinkle lights and making me home-cooked meals?"

His eyes seem to smile. "Only if you promise not to cook me a steak in the microwave."

I tip my head back and laugh, the sound echoing lightly in the room.

This is how it should be: the start of a new chapter. Exciting, not hesitant. I just pray it stays this way. We might have erased one secret, but I still have many more buried. I just hope Julian doesn't find the skeletons in my closet.