Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Julian

Every instinct in my body is screaming at me to run after Poppy.

That kiss…her fucking taste, those little moans she made.

The elevator door closes, and the last thing I see is her flushed cheeks and shy smile.

What I want to do is throw her over my shoulder caveman-style and drag her to my bed.

I close my eyes. What the fuck am I doing? I've got a killer after me, and I'm being a selfish ape by dragging Poppy into the mess.

I shouldn't have kissed her. I should have let her be and nodded and smiled like a normal neighbor when I saw her.

Men don't do what they should. We're selfish and take what we need.

I need my Pumpkin. Need her like a drug I never knew existed.

It takes me a few minutes just standing in the hall looking at the elevator until the blood flow to my cock returns to my brain.

Even then, I know in my gut I won't make the safe decision. I'll choose the dangerous one. Maybe it's because of my training. I'm used to going into dangerous situations, and I like the thrill.

I turn and make my way inside and finish getting dressed. I've never felt this way. It's like a magnetic pull I'm powerless to resist. Even with all the shit going on in my life, I don't want to resist it.

Maybe that makes me the bad guy. Maybe I lied to Poppy after all.

"Hey!" Kent shouts as he barges into my apartment.

"You ever heard of knocking," I shout back.

"Why? You got a girl with you?" He shouts as he barges into my room with a goofy grin. "You know some women are attracted to the fantasy of brothers. You feel like sharing?" He raises a brow.

I grab the shoe I was about to put on my foot and hurl it at his head, "It's going to remain a fantasy. I don't share."

"Pity," he shrugs as he jumps onto my bed like a child, "I could have taught you a few moves that drive girls insane."

"I date women, not girls. Grow the fuck up." I grunt.

"Oh, we are testy this morning. What's got your cock so backed up?"

I shake my head and stand. "Are you driving me to work or not!"

He spins his keys around his index finger. "I'll take you for a ride." He winks.

That earns him a smack behind the head. I think my moving home has only worsened his antics.

"Seriously, what's got you so stressed?" Kent asks once we're halfway to the office.

Heck with it. I'll tell him. "I kissed Poppy."

"Ok," He shrugs. "What else?"

"Nothing else. I kissed her when she was leaving for work."

"It was bad?" He glances over. "I hate when that happens. You see a ten, but they kiss like a one."

"It was different," I grumble, already regretting talking to him.

"What do you mean? Did she have a tongue piercing?"

"No, you idiot."

"Oh shit!" He chuckles, "You like this girl. Like really like her. What the hell, you and Theo are too much alike. It always has to be all or nothing. No fun and games."

"That's because we're mature." I respond, "Who is Theo with?" Why am I just finding this out now?

"Nope. You're changing the subject."

"Well, you're not offering any good advice."

He turns into Sterling Defense headquarters, waves at the guard, and remains unusually silent until he shifts his truck into park.

"Listen," he grips the steering wheel. I know you, Dad, and Theo think I'm an idiot who goes from girl to girl. I am. That's because I don't ever want to feel like Dad does." He keeps his eyes ahead, looking at our building.

"What do you mean?"

His Adam's apple rolls as he swallows, "Dad loved mom with his entire heart, and when mom died," his jaw tenses, "it was like we lost both parents. I want to be like you, Dad, and Theo. I want a family one day, but how can I ensure my kids never feel what we felt—abandoned and alone? And I know what you're going to say: not everyone gets cancer. True, but at some point, everyone has to die. How can I settle down with someone knowing one day I'm going to lose them like we lost Mom?"

Fuck. Underneath my playboy brother is a kid who is still broken.

"Living in fear isn't living. Think of all the good memories we had."

"Uncle Dan is living his best life. He never married. It works for some."

"Kent," I pause.

A heavyweight pins me down. It feels like I'm trapped under the pressure of the ocean. Theo and I tried our best to fill the gap between our parents. Kent was young when mom passed. Knowing he feels this way makes me feel like I failed him, but I was just a kid trying to handle grief, too.

"We can learn from our parents' mistakes. You can fall in love, get married, and have a family. God forbid if something happened, you'd know how not to treat your kids when you grieve." I reach out with my left hand, wishing I could use both arms to hug him, "You don't have to put on an act of a playboy because you're hurting."

"I'm not hurting now. I'm having fun." He replies sharply. His walls are going back up.

"Just keep your heart open. Promise me." I squeeze his shoulder.

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah," he says, reaching for the door and kicking it open. "I promise."

I hope he finds a woman who holds him to that vow.