25. KAVI

25

KAVI

(Prom - many years ago.)

"You got this," I tell myself in the mirror.

My mom isn't home, but she laid out my prom dress for me last night. The bodice has florals, the skirt is a breezy tule, and there's a flirty thigh slit that goes up to my knee. It's perfect and everything I couldn't find in a store. Anything with tulle in my size drowned my shape, instead of showing it off.

But in this?—

The dress that my mom made for me?—

I feel gorgeous, even if I'm coughing up mucus. Ugh, I'm sweaty and heated, and I shouldn't be going to prom, but I want to go. I need to go.

My boyfriend will be crowned prom king.

Tyler is sure of it.

He's been looking forward to prom for the last few months, and how I'll be there with him. But now I've gotten myself sick, and because of that, we decided I should stay home and rest.

Well, he brought it up. But it's for my sake. So I don't get worse.

"He loves you," I tell the quivering girl in the mirror. "Just eat a banana or something, and then go surprise your boyfriend."

Yes, we've said I love you to each other. Tyler actually said it pretty early on. The first time surprised me, and I got quiet hearing it, but it's because I must have been soaking it up. The nerves in my stomach were from disbelief. I didn't expect us to be together in the first place.

On paper, Tyler Smith and Kavleen Basra make little sense, because he's so… everything…

I sneeze into my hand.

Of course, I had to get sick! Why am I not surprised? So typical of me.

I haven't been doing a lot right these days.

My mind drifts to last night. Mom made pasta for dinner, dad was on back-to-back phone calls, and Tyler was beaming because he'd scored the winning goal in his hockey game earlier that day. It was the four of us around the table.

We started as three, but Tyler has slotted himself perfectly into the picture. He's a chameleon. So easily he goes from being polite to my mom and impressing her with compliments, to being secretive and close with my dad when they get into these head huddles about hockey.

I don't know how he does it. How does he get my dad to huddle his head with him? I've never been able to do that. Instead, my dad's head stays tense and upright when he talks to me about my life.

"Why are your grades not what they need to be, Kavleen?"

Underneath the table, my fingers fidget.

"You have all the opportunities I didn't," my dad says. "But you don't focus on school. You are always out."

I had looked to Tyler for a rescue. Most of the time I was out with him , because the captain of the hockey team can't show up anywhere alone. That's what I've been told by him so many times.

Tyler gives me a sheepish glance, but stays quiet. My dad continues to admonish me, but there's no defense I can make. I'm not gifted. School doesn't click in my brain. You know how multiple-choice tests usually have two very close answers, where only one of them is absolutely right? I always pick the wrong one. I'm not failing my subjects, but at this rate I'm not getting into college either.

The dinner conversation moves on, because my mom subtly switches the topic. Now we're talking about Tyler and how he's going to make it to the NHL. My dad is absolutely certain about this.

Tyler praises my dad, talking about this huge coaching opportunity coming together in Seattle.

They take turns, reveling in their accomplishments and work ethic. My mom's pasta is doted on. I'm just—eating. My cheeks heat. Why does it feel like everyone is doing so great in life, but I'm still struggling? That I haven't actually done anything worth celebrating.

Later that day, Tyler hugs me.

"Don't mind your dad," he says to me in private. " I love you. Focus on that."

I am trying to focus on that. That's why I've gotten all dressed up for prom, even though I'm sick. I want to support him tonight, but also…

High school feels like it's ending too fast. I'm not ready for it to be over, because I don't know what happens after. I'm afraid if I skip prom, time will move even faster. No, I need to cling onto every moment right now… and to support Tyler. Can't forget that.

Especially since he's so good at whispering supportive things to me.

"Not everyone is good at school. You have me, and I'm going to need you, especially when I become a pro hockey player. Babes, I'm going to take care of everything for us. I don't care if you aren't the smartest girl, because I love you. You are my girl."

I put on the finishing touches to my makeup and go to prom. Inside, the lights, intrusive balloons, neon streamers and thumping music make my head hurt. My forehead is hot. Time feels like molasses. When I finally spot Tyler, I see he's whispering into another girl's ear. I don't recognize her. I'm moving forward quickly.

When Tyler sees me, a flash of something sharp crosses his face. Annoyance? It can't be. By the time I reach him, he's grinning at me. In front of everyone, he makes a big scene of hugging me. But then he must sense I'm wobbling on my feet, for he takes me away from the group and leads me back to the exit.

"You look so beautiful that you take my breath away," he praises. "But babes, you shouldn't have come. You are so sick and you need to rest. And if you stay, you'll make the rest of us sick. I know you're not selfish like that."

I wince. I didn't even think about that.

When Tyler holds my hand and takes me further away, I assume he's going to drive me home. But then he takes out his wallet and pulls out money. "For a cab, babes. Make sure you get home safe." His forehead furrows. "You have to text me when you get home, otherwise I'll be worried all night long. Please, don't forget to text me."

"I wanted to see them crown you?—"

"Who cares about that? We have the rest of our life to celebrate other things."

Not knowing what else to say, I leave him and go outside. I should call a cab, but I need a minute to myself. I'm sucking in fresh air. One hand is on my stomach. My gaze wanders?—

Fuck.

Dmitri Lokhov.

From the outside, I'm frozen in place, but it doesn't feel that way inside me. My atoms are buzzing. I don't understand why I always have this reaction around him!

It's not that he's attractive, which he is. That shouldn't matter because Tyler is also handsome, but I don't have the same intense reaction to him.

No, it's something about those brown eyes. Sometimes they are dark, and sometimes they are golden. Ever since Dmitri joined our high school, I've noticed them. And there are days when I think they follow me around, but when I try to look back at them, Dmitri's head snaps away. Or he glares. Scowls. Leaves immediately.

He must hate me.

I don't think I've been hated before like this.

Something about it tugs at me. I'm maddened by it, needing to know whether it's all in my head or if I'm reading Lokhov right. So… I have this tendency to secretly watch him.

He's quiet and broody, and constantly aware of his surroundings. It makes my heart dip. What makes a person stay consistently on guard like that? He never talks about his personal life, and doesn't talk about doing normal teenage things like going to the mall or the movies. For the longest time, I thought he hated dating, but then he started hanging around Sam. Except, I haven't seen her around him much lately. Are they broken up? Were they ever together in the first place?

There's another thing…

This very little thing he does.

When I'm called upon to answer questions in class, and I bunch into myself because I don't know what the right answer is, and I butcher my words, he chimes in. He comes out of nowhere and fills in some of those blanks. I mean, his tone is impatient. Probably because he hates how I slow down the class, but he still does it. Often enough.

And—I'm grateful. Because the focus moves off me, and I can breathe again.

I don't know. It shouldn't matter. I should think Dmitri Lokhov is mean, especially because he rolls his eyes at everything Tyler says. I should take my boyfriend's side when this happens, but if I'm being really honest, sometimes Tyler says exasperating things. Though as soon as I think that, I feel ashamed. Tyler promises to love and support me. He's got a good heart.

I'm the captain of this hockey team and the most popular guy in school, but I pick you.

My head spins. In the parking lot of our high school on the night of prom, I'm about to collapse.

I sway and waver, and then, suddenly, strong arms lift me up.

Dmitri Lokhov rescues me.

Later in my bedroom, he wipes my makeup off. I must be dreaming, imagining it. It makes me want to cry, because I've felt a lot of things around my family and Tyler, but this I haven't.

Tenderness.

Dmitri heard me complain about the makeup on my face, and he helped me. I was heard and listened to. When was the last time that happened?

My heart is floating, and I'm trying to understand why. Is it because I'm deliriously sick or is it because of Dmitri?

I don't know, and I can't confirm one way or another because Dmitri slips away. He doesn't show up to cross the stage at graduation. The next time I hear his name is on the sports channel, when I learn he's signed to the Vancouver Wings.

The night of prom must mean nothing to him.