Chapter 8

8

GWEN

T wo weeks later

"Bitch, spill everything!" Kelsey squeals, kicking her legs in the air and rolling over onto her stomach. Kelsey is my best friend from Pre-K. We were practically made for one another, the yin to my yang; without her, I don't know who I would be or where, but I promise you, nobody would have liked it.

Kelsey is all bubbles, sunshine, and rainbows; literally, she has golden blonde hair and bright green eyes that shine whenever she laughs, and she is always laughing. We're sitting on her baby pink couch with sour gummies, popcorn, and fuzzy pajamas. A must whenever boys are involved.

"Okay, so he is hot, Kel." I grin.

Kelsey has her legs on top of mine, looking at me with the intense gaze a housewife gives a murder mystery podcast while popping my award-winning concoction of sour gummies and warm, buttery popcorn into her mouth. She questions with her mouth full, "Like Taylor hot? "

"No, like every single romance book you have ever read hot."

I lazily drum on her knees, avoiding Kel's growing eyes. She sits up, glaring at me. I nod my head, a wide grin spreading on my lips, "Like Daddy status."

"Shut up," Kelsey whispers as she very calmly places the popcorn concoction on the coffee table and levels me with a look that says, I must see this man ASAP.

I place both of my hands up in front of me, blocking her. "Before you ask, he has no social media."

"Oh, that's fine." She smiles, pulling her legs from on top of my lap. "Because you're going to give me a very detailed description or drawing."

"Kel, I can't draw." I lean back as she sits on the heels of her feet.

"Okay, then get to talking." Kelsey's eyes are crazed, and a scarily happy smile spreads on her face.

"Kelsey, what would David think about you asking for a real life portrait of my date?" I ask. David is my childhood boy best friend and Kelsey's fiancé. They had the perfect ‘it's been you all along' moment in high school, and it was totally rom-com worthy. Especially with Kelsey being bubbly and sweet, while David was the complete boy next door package, with the football abs, messily perfect sandy brown hair, golden retriever energy, and girl-swooning smile to match.

"Oh, he won't mind." Kelsey leans forward, not blinking.

"What will I not mind?" I look over at David entering the house as he shakes out his hair and tosses his baseball hat on the opposite chair .

"Gwen went on a date with a book boyfriend." David smiles, looking between us. "And she refuses to describe the handsome devil."

"Oh, come on, Gwen, no fun." David slides onto the couch cushion behind me, matching his fiancé's crazed look.

I shake my head and make a zip motion over my lips. "Nope, the date goes to the grave because it's not happening again."

"The hell it will!" Kelsey attacks me, jumping five feet in the air monkey-style. Her fingers automatically get to work, running over my skin, and I contort to dodge her fingers, but David holds me in place to allow his fiancée to get her dirty work done.

"Guys!" I laugh, squirming under Kelsey's relentless tickling while David's grip keeps me pinned. My laughter turns desperate as Kelsey's fingers find all my most ticklish spots.

"Mercy! Mercy!" I gasp, but Kelsey's only response is an evil grin as she keeps tickling. My laughter becomes breathless, and I can feel my stomach churning. "Kelsey, stop! I'm going to?—"

I can't finish my sentence as a wave of nausea washes over me. Panic flares, and I wriggle free with a sudden burst of strength, bolting towards the bathroom.

"Gwen?" David calls after me, concern lacing his voice, but I'm already halfway down the hall, pushing the bathroom door open and making it to the toilet just in time.

Kelsey's laughter fades behind me as I retch, my stomach heaving. I hear David's footsteps approaching, and a moment later, his hand is on my back, rubbing soothing circles as I empty my stomach .

"Gwen, are you okay?" he asks gently.

I nod weakly, resting my forehead on the cool edge of the toilet seat. "Yeah, you two deserve each other."

Kelsey appears in the doorway, her eyes wide with guilt. "Gwen, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to?—"

I wave her off, still catching my breath. "It's okay, Kelsey. Just a little…sensitive today."

David's brow furrows, and he glances at Kelsey before looking back at me. "Sensitive, you're like the least sensitive person I know." Kelsey smacks the back of David's head, and I elbow him in the rib. "Ow! I meant, you can stomach anything."

"Gwenie." Kelsey kneels next to me on the bathroom floor and flushes the toilet for me. "What do you mean by sensitive? Did your book boyfriend hurt you? Do I need to kill him?"

I take a deep breath, shaking my head, on the edge of the toilet seat. "No, I've been feeling off for a few days now. Nausea, fatigue and my breast hurt."

"Maybe we should go to the hospital." Kelsey starts to get up and drags me with her, but I pull her back down. "I mean, you said a few days so that it could be-"

"You know my period always makes me ill." I wave her off.

Kelsey gets into complete boss mode. "Oh, you're on your period! Okay, so let's get you a heating pad, and David, you're on the couch tonight and-"

"No, no, I don't have my period yet. It's like a week late." I brush her off. Kelsey huffs, leaning against the cabinet and David walks away towards the kitchen, reappearing with a glass of water in his hand .

"Sounds like you're pregnant." David shrugs, leaning against the door. "Hey when my sister was pregnant I was the only one who knew!" I roll my eyes because sometimes stress, like paying off a quarter million to a gang who keeps threatening your life, would possibly make my period a little late. "The club has been stressing me out, that's all."

"Stress totally makes sense because if you were pregnant that would mean you lost your virginity, and you would have totally told me," Kelsey nods in agreement.

I lean up and grab the glass of water out of David's hand. "Well, about my virginity-"

Kelsey pops up, her eyes doing that crazy thing again, ripping them from that Everclear green to dark mossy green. "You are painting me a portrait of this man, stark naked."

"I'm right here." David points at himself smirking, but Kelsey just kisses him on the forehead and rolls her eyes. I sip the water, urging the liquid to calm my nerves.

"You used a condom, right?" Kelsey raises her eyebrows at me, but I just shake my head no.

"What can I say? Heat of the moment." I blush, and David chuckles as my cheeks turn a level of crimson I didn't even know was possible.

Kelsey's jaw drops, and she looks like she's about to explode. "Gwen, you didn't use protection?"

I shrug, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. "It was a moment of weakness, okay?"

Kelsey looks around the bathroom, and her eyes light up. "Hold on." She stands up and opens a drawer, rummaging through it until she pulls out a small box. "I thought I saw one of these in here. You never know when you might need it."

I stare at the box in her hand. "You keep a pregnancy test in my bathroom?"

Kelsey shrugs, glancing at David. "You never know when you might need it," she repeats with a smirk.

David winks, then winces when I elbow him again. "Hey!"

"All right, let's get this over with," I mutter, taking the box from her.

Kelsey and David exit the bathroom but hover by the door, peeking in anxiously as I read the instructions and follow the steps. After placing the test on the counter, we wait, my heart pounding.

"Whatever happens, we're here for you," David adds from the other side of the door.

I take a deep breath and follow the steps. I remove the cap and place the absorbent tip in the stream of urine for the required five seconds, then replace the cap and set the test on the counter.

"Gwen, are you okay in there?" Kelsey asks, knocking lightly on the door. My heart pounds in my chest, and my hands shake as I step back and open the bathroom door.

"Yeah, just…waiting," I reply, my voice shaking.

David enters with Kelsey right behind him and immediately looks at the stick with confusion. "How long does it take?"

"Just a few minutes," I reply, wringing my hands. I take my phone out of my back pocket and put on a timer for three minutes .

Kelsey grabs my right hand, entwines it with hers, and whispers, "What do you want it to say?"

I shake my head. For the first time ever in my life, I don't know what to say to Kelsey because a part of me feels a flicker of excitement. I think about the bond between a mother and child. A bond I've never had and don't know how to forge. What type of mother would I be when I have never known mine? I'm only 24, and my life is far from stable. What life could I give any child?

I look into the mirror and see an empty gaze growing in my eyes, the same I bet my mother had when she looked at me. The gaze I bet I'll have looking at my child. I'm in debt to a gang for fucks sake and I am still figuring out my career, finances, and relationships. Raising a child requires so much—time, energy, money—all the things I never got as a child. I look over at my timer and sigh at the minute to go.

Kelsey squeezes my hand twice and I break eye contact with myself. "Gwenie, you never answered my question, what do you want it to say?"

I shake my head and pull my hand away. "I don't know, Kels."

When she gives me a sad smile, I look over at David's identical look of sympathy. And then my stomach drops when the fear of doing it alone comes in. Sure, I have Nana Rose, but she is getting old. Kelsey and David would definitely help me and think of it as practice for the future twins Kelsey is sure she is having, but they have their own lives and responsibilities. I don't know where Nik is, and I don't know if he even wants to be the father of some random stripper's baby. He was in DC on business, not to find a baby mama. I would never want to ruin his life like that, but the thought of facing this alone makes me want to scream, but then my timer goes off. I hold my breath and don't dare look, neither does Kelsey, or David.

"Do you want me to look?" Kelsey whispers, and all I can do is audibly open my mouth and dry swallow. "Okay we'll look at the count of three."

I nod and whisper, "One."

"Two." Kelsey lifts the pregnancy test, the results flipped away from us.

"Three," I say, and the minute she flips over the results, my head spins. All I can hear is the ringing in my ears which drowns out the laughter from Kelsey and the pats on my back from David.

They both pull me into a hug, but they feel miles away, and when she pulls back, I can see the word on her lips.

Kelsey's voice pulls me back to reality. "Congrats, you're pregnant!"

Two Months Later

I sit in the back room of the strip club, playing with the straps of my garter as I look at my text to Nikolai for the fourth time today and the thousandth from this month alone. I keep looking at his messages from after that night as I pull the skin off my bottom lip.

Nikolai: Naughty Kitty, leaving in the middle of the night without even a goodbye.

Nikolai: I am in town for two more days, see me off. That's an order.

Nikolai: Don't make me get you from your bed tonight, Kotik. My offer still stands.

Nikolai: I can see you reading my messages.

Nikolai: Naughty Kitty gets her virginity taken and ghosts me, you better hope I am nowhere near that ass ever again, because I am going to make my handprint permanent on your ass, Kotik.

The last message always makes my core clench. Normally, I'd say something like: "Yeah, your handprint on my ass to match the one I'll put across your face." But I know what Nik does to me. When I am around him, I can't fucking think straight and now pregnant with his baby. I can't think at all.

Nikolai even showed up to my house once, and he waited for me with Nana Rose playing card games until like 2 am, but like the coward I am, I hid out at Kelsey's until I knew he had left. For a few weeks, he sent me every rose color that wasn't red with notes that ranged from sweet to commanding in a way that makes me want to obey mindlessly.

What am I supposed to say: "Hey Nik sorry for ghosting you, by the way I'm pregnant so don't worry about me ever leaving your life because I'm like a permanent thing now. LOL." I type out another text for Nik, one I think is nice and to the point.

Gwen: I'm pregnant.

The words look so empty on my screen. So damning. I don't know what else to feel, other than my stomach sinking to fucking hell.

"Earth to Cinnamon," Angel's high pitched, scratchy voice claws in my ears, and I glare at her from the corner of my eye .

"What?"

"Cinnamon," she whines. God, I hate when she says my stripper name. "You're up, bitch!"

I roll my eyes and click my phone close as Angel tries to look over my shoulder. "Stop being nosey, Rebecca."

Angel gasps, "You are not allowed to use real government names! I am telling Dylan!"

"While you're at it, tell him you're cheating on him with the fucking DJ," I snarl and Angel stomps her foot, her straw blonde hair stiffly flying behind her. I groan and slide on my strappy black heels to complete my outfit as I make my way backstage and signal to Justin, the sleazy DJ, that I'm ready.

"Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your favorite spice," the lights swarm around before landing on me at the opening between the curtains, "Cinnamon."

Immediately, Justin starts to play Drop it like it's hot, and I swivel my hips as I make my way on stage.

The bass thumps in my chest, drowning out the leering stares of the audience. I plaster on a dazzling smile, but my mind is already miles away. As I twirl around the pole, I search for the quickest exit strategy. The acrid smell of desperation and cheap cologne fills the air, making me want to gag. I glance around the room, and my eyes land on the regular who loves me.

I lean down in front of him putting my tits on display. The regular old man, with a stack of 5's and hair only behind his ears, smiles as I crawl over and run my hand over the bald part of his head.

"Hey pops, you came here to see dirty little me? "

"You know I can't go a week without my dose of cinnamon." He smiles, sliding a five into the left cup of my bra. As I leaned in closer to the regular, his breath tinged with whiskey hits my face. I force a giggle, a hollow sound that mingles with the throbbing music. A wave of nausea washes over me, but I push it down and sling my body around so I am sitting on the heels of my feet.

"Well, you know I am always happy to oblige, Pops." I smile, but the minute I get up, another wave hits me and I almost stumble back. The room feels too hot, too crowded, and I can't shake the feeling of suffocation that threatens to overwhelm me.

Pops leans over and smacks my calf as he wiggles a five in his hand. "Make it good for me."

I nod and maintain my seductive smile despite the nausea churning in my stomach. As the music blares on, driving pulses of adrenaline through me, I dance with practiced ease. I smile at the right times, but the minute I hook my knee around the pool and swing, I gag for the first time.

"Baby, don't tell me you don't have a gag reflex?" a rando in the back who I can't see yells over the music, but I ignore him, shimming down the pole and flinging my hair back. I attempt to do my signature move again, hooking my right leg behind the pole, but then a wave of dizziness that sends the stage spinning before my eyes. I stagger mid-twirl, barely able to keep my balance as bile rises in my throat.

"Fuck," I cough, flinging my fingers up at Justin and running off stage as fast as I can. I barely make it past the curtains when I vomit all over the floor backstage.

"What the hell?" Dylan snaps but stops mid-sentence as he watches me heave over my pile of vomit. "You know you are not supposed to come into work sick. What would have happened if you threw up on a fucking customer, Gwen?"

"I'm not sick," I heave, taking as many deep breaths as possible.

"The fuck you are," Dylan scoffs, pointing at me and the vomit.

"I'm pregnant!" I snap before standing up and wiping my mouth with my arm.

"Shit," Dylan whispers, shaking his head.

"I know."