Chapter 23

23

GWEN

F or the past two weeks, I've been a complete disaster. Nikolai is nowhere to be found, and I miss him. I fucking miss him. It feels like he's gone off to war, leaving me alone and uncertain of when or if he will return. Every moment without him is like a knife twisting in my chest, and I can't shake the deep ache of longing that consumes me. But this is what I wanted, right? I don't want to be his because then it will be easier if Mason finds me and I disappear. He doesn't have to worry about the threat looming over our children and he doesn't have to be my prince charming because I am the girl who saves herself, always.

I walk out into the living room in pink leggings and a matching pink and green sports bra as I swing my work duffle bag over my shoulder. Taylor works from home on Fridays so he sits in the living room, shirtless with his computer on his lap. I snort at him, pointing at his naked chest. "So what happens if your boss calls for an emergency Zoom meeting? "

"I throw on my polo shirt in ten seconds or less." He points to the white polo hanging on the back of the couch. Wiggling his eyebrows, he says, "You want to time me?"

"Absolutely…not." I laugh, running my hands through his shaggy hair before walking into the kitchen. "Please tell me you made biscuits this morning?"

"No, darling, you are on your own for breakfast…" He looks down at his Apple watch. "Well, lunch now."

"Darn it." I pout, as I grab an apple off of the counter. "I'll just be healthy. I guess."

Taking a bite out of my apple, I lean against the kitchen counter. Taylor speaks without looking at me. "Are you done pouting about your ‘one that got away'?"

I choke on the unchewed chunks of apple as I force it down my throat. My stomach churns with guilt as I recall how I left out crucial details to Taylor about Nik's true identity as Gio and Mia's father. Instead, I told Taylor about how I saw my ‘one that got away' and screwed it all up again. In a haze of alcohol provided by Taylor, I cried uncontrollably, forgetting all restraint. Who was I to shed tears when I had rejected him so cruelly ?

I straighten up, trying to compose myself as he turns around, his piercing gaze boring into me. I shake my head no, allowing my curls to fall in my face. "Aw, Gwen." He places his laptop on the couch to walk towards me but I take a step back.

I didn't tell Taylor that Nik owns the club I work at, and that every night I reject every client and just stare up at his office, never feeling any eyes back on me. I don't even know if he is up there, but I know I want him to be. I want him to watch me and keep his promise to pull me back to him kicking and screaming. A part of me can't let go of that possibility.

"Don't wait up for me tonight!" I call out as I make my way to the front door. "I'll be at Johanna's all night, picking up an extra shift."

I don't wait for Taylor to respond as I leave the apartment. Desperate to escape my racing thoughts, I shove in my headphones and blast "Dance Dance" by the Fall Out Boy at ear-splitting volume. I drown myself in a flood of music, trying to numb the pain that threatens to break me.

My feet pound against the pavement as I sprint to Johanna's, each beat of the music pushing me further into a frenzy. Every song that blares through my ears becomes a lifeline, drowning out the painful reality that threatens to bring me to tears. But I can't cry, not here, not now, not when I'm about to step onto the main stage for my debut performance tonight.

I refuse to let this break me, even as my heart feels like it's shattering into a million pieces with each step I take.

When I get to Johanna's, Kim is sitting on the edge of the main stage talking to Hudson, waiting for me. Kim is laughing, her head thrown back as Hudson stands between her thighs whispering into her neck. I call out from across the room, "Am I interrupting something?"

Hudson looks over his shoulder with a flirtatious smirk on his face. "You are not interrupting anything you can't join."

Kim swats his chest, laughing. "Boy, you better stop. That is the Boss's girl." Kim squeezes his cheeks with a pouty lip. "Nikolai will kill you and your face is too pretty for a closed casket."

I make my way across the room as Hudson smiles drunkenly at her. "You think I'm pretty."

Kim lowers her voice, clicking her tongue at him. "Boy, get out my face. You know you're pretty."

Hudson dons a shining smile and winks at her and me before making his way back to the bar. "Kim," I sing and she shakes her head laughing.

"Innocent flirting, that's all." Kim stands up, stretching. "But I heard you were fucking the boss in the upstairs private room?"

"What," I scoff, tossing my bag on the floor. "No."

"Don't lie to me." She laughs, crossing her right arm over her chest and pulling. "I said I heard which means I heard you screaming Nik! Oh, Nik! Please….just--" I rush over, covering her mouth from mocking my moans.

"Oh my God, Kim! Why didn't you say anything?!" I whisper-scream. I have been working with Kim almost every night since then and I had not heard a word about this. She has acted like she knew nothing, just like everyone else. She licks my hand and I remove it from her mouth.

"I would never expose you like that to the other girls, but you work fast." She looks at me with admiration and a wide smile.

"Nik doesn't show anyone the light of day," she comments, "I mean there was this one girl years ago he was completely obsessed with and couldn't find her anywhere. It drove him crazy, and then his mom died so that drove him crazy, and then he was like a dormant volcano, just waiting to erupt."

"His mom died?" I question, stretching my back against the pole.

"Yeah, no one knows how, but this used to be her place. I knew her, she was a firecracker. The best boss literally ever, but don't tell Nik I said that," Kim warns before she shakes her muscles out.

"That's terrible," I whisper.

"Yeah, you should have seen him. It was like something broke. He lost everything and then he was the head of the Russian mafia overnight." Kim sighs.

"Crazy," I respond automatically, but my mind is in overdrive. Nik's pleading eyes haunt me as guilt gnaws at my conscience. I selfishly refused his desperate plea to stay, and now I am left with the realization that my absence was a catalyst for his downfall. The weight of my actions crushes me, a suffocating pressure building until a surge of adrenaline courses through my veins. Every fiber of my being screams for me to find him and beg for forgiveness, to make things right before it's too late. I turn my back, ready to jump off this stage and tear this city apart looking for him, but then Kim claps her hands together, dragging me out of my spiral. I shoot up, looking at her.

She says in a cheer-like manner. "Now, let's get you main stage ready!"