38. Morning Routine

THIRTY-EIGHT

Step #4 dont forget to shower

Xavier glanced back at me, a silent question: Do I let him in or not?

I was frozen in place, unable to move. Unable to answer. He was here. In Paris. After two months of trying and failing to convince myself that whatever we had was fake from the start, Nathan Hunt stood on my threshold, as real as it got.

In the end, I didn't have to make the decision.

"I'm here, I'm here," Marie called behind him. "I managed to grab the last bundle of parsley, but it's Italian, not curly—who's this?"

She came to a stop next to Nathan while Xavier moved back into the kitchen and leaned against the counter with folded arms, apparently satisfied that Marie could take over, though he'd remain for support.

Neither Nathan nor I answered. We were too busy staring at each other across the doorway while Xavier and Marie looked between us.

"I think it's the doctor," Xavier finally answered Marie's question. "Hunt." He glared at Nathan. "Took you long enough, mate."

Marie mouthed an "Oh" to herself but didn't say anything more as she hovered behind Nathan, who was currently taking up most of the doorframe, hovering on the threshold like a vampire waiting to be let inside.

But he wasn't a vampire, cold and heartless. My Nathan was the definition of warmth, solid flesh, and endless soul.

Well, not my Nathan. Not anymore.

Oh, my heart ached.

"Hello, Joni," he said, brown eyes deep and mournful on the other side of his lenses.

"Hi, Nathan." I felt like I was shrinking. My voice, my body, everything.

My body. Otherwise known as the flesh sack that probably smelled like sleep, eggs, and three days without washing.

Gross.

Immediately, I backed away from the door.

"No," Nathan started, reaching out. "Don't?—"

"Joni, hold on," Marie started. "Just give him a chance."

"I just, um, gotta j-jump in the showerberightbackbye!" My speech was a blur as I turned and sprinted for the tiny bathroom.

Before anyone could stop me, I locked the door, started the water, and took several deep breaths to calm my tap-dancing heart.

He was here. After months apart and nothing but replays of that horrible night to fill my head, he was here.

And I had no clue what to say to him.

It was the longest shower of my life. Not just because it had been several days since I'd bothered to clean myself at all, but because I was avoiding the fact that Nathan Hunt was sitting in the middle of my sister's apartment, presumably making small talk with my family members, and waiting for me to come out and face whatever he had flown all the way here to tell me.

I was scared to death to hear what that might be.

So, I cleaned. I scrubbed my face and my skin and even my belly button and in between my toes. I washed my hair twice just to make it squeaky clean and actually waited the full five minutes the bottle of conditioner recommended before rinsing it out. I shaved every inch of my body I could reach, brushed my teeth twice over, flossed and gargled, then just stood under the running water for at least ten more minutes until a bang on the door from Marie warned me not to run up her water bill in my misery.

Thirty minutes later, I emerged, hair scrunched into air-dried waves, makeup fully done, wearing my favorite big red hoops, and dressed in one of Marie's ankle-length black skirts with a T-shirt tied above my navel that read "Your Goose is Cooked" across the bust. Not the most stylish outfit in the world, but all my clothes were dirty. It was the best I could do.

I found the apartment suspiciously empty except for Nathan, who was sitting at the kitchen table, drumming his fingers on the worn wood while he waited.

He looked the same as ever. And by the same, I meant fucking delicious in a pair of simple navy trousers that hugged his thick thighs and a white button-down shirt rolled up at the cuffs. Perfect nerd style that only just hinted at the muscle underneath the tailored lines.

My kryptonite. Here to ruin me.

Nathan turned when he heard me approach and stood immediately, reached out, then pulled back his hands as if he wasn't sure what to do with them.

"Hi," I said.

"Hello."

We blinked at each other like owls. Separately, we both could be awkward, but we'd never been awkward together. I couldn't say I cared for it.

"Um, where are Marie and Xavier?" I looked around as if they might jump out from the balcony again. Maybe yell "April Fools!" and rip off Nathan's face like a mask on Scooby Doo.

Okay, admittedly, that was just ridiculous. But my brain was churning. It didn't know where to stop with the catastrophes.

"Xavier went back to his hotel, and your sister said she needed to go for another walk." Nathan's mouth twisted to one side. "I think that was an excuse to leave us alone together."

"I'm sure it was," I agreed. "Honestly, she's probably just excited I finally showered and thinks you're the reason."

"You haven't been showering?" Nathan sounded honestly alarmed.

Shit. So much for playing it cool. I was nervous, and when I was nervous, my mouth had a tendency to run itself, spilling secrets and embarrassing details. Usually, they were about others, which is why none of my friends or family had ever trusted me to keep a secret. But right now, I had nothing to spill but my own mortifying existence.

"I've been…upset," I admitted, suddenly focused on picking lint off the waistband of Marie's skirt.

We stood there for a while longer, but when he didn't reply right away, I forced myself to speak before he could say something that would break me. Something like "Good, you deserve it." Even if it was true.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

Nathan breathed. And took a step toward me. "I found you. And I came."

"What do you mean, you found me?" I asked. "I wasn't hiding."

"You weren't?"

I shook my head, but then wondered if that was kind of a lie. I hadn't purposefully tried to evade everyone I knew. I just hadn't felt like talking to them.

"Your phone hasn't been turned on in two months," Nathan said with another step forward. "And your voice mailbox has been full for the last five weeks."

Okay, no surprise there.

"I tried to contact your family members, but your sisters both slammed their doors in my face, and your brother threatened to have me arrested for harassment if I tried to reach anyone else."

So, that was my problem. I'd trusted that since my siblings knew where I'd gone, they would tell any interested parties that information if and when that was necessary.

Apparently, they'd been holding a grudge against one particular party.

"So…how did you find me?" I asked.

One more step. "My brother. Carrick has contacts with the CIA. They tracked your passport to Paris. That's when I remembered you had a sister in school here."

I swallowed and nodded. It all made sense.

"You don't look very good," Nathan said as he ventured to within a foot.

I looked up and up and up with a scowl. "Gee, thanks."

"That's sarcasm."

My scowl deepened. "Yes."

"Just making sure." Nathan frowned down at me. "I don't want to leave any part of this conversation up for interpretation." He looked me over again. "I'll rephrase, you don't look like yourself."

"Because I'm wearing Marie's old Amish castoffs?" I pulled at the skirt. "I think I can make sexy nun work for me."

"You would probably look beautiful in anything," Nathan said without a trace of his own sarcasm.

I hated it when he did that. I hated it because it made my heart quiver. Made me want to throw myself against that broad chest of his and kiss him until we both ran out of breath.

I hated it because I had no right to do those things anymore. If I ever had.

"But you've lost weight, and you were already quite thin," he went on. "There are hollows in your cheeks and under your eyes that weren't there two months ago. Your lips look a bit dry, like you haven't been drinking enough water, and your skin is much paler, despite the fact that it's spring and you should be getting an increased amount of UV exposure as the solstice approaches." Our eyes met. "You're not going outside. You're not taking care of yourself."

By the time he was done speaking, my mouth had dropped. He took that last step so that we were standing toe to toe, close enough that his scent of soap and water and sandalwood washed over me like a rainstorm, making my mouth water and my heart jump at the same time.

"I—" I shook my head. "I?—"

"Joni," Nathan said gently. His right hand twitched and hovered just over my wrist. But he didn't take it. Maybe he couldn't.

My heart physically hurt in response.

"I came because?—"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted before he could say anything else. The words leaped out of my mouth like they'd been waiting there the entire time. "I'm sorry about that video. I'm sorry your family found out about it. I'm sorry I never told you it was floating around out there and that it ended up embarrassing you in front of them. I'm sorry for everything, and I?—"

The words came out in a rush like a spigot had just been broken, to the point where I was only able to stop myself by slapping a hand over my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I said once I wasn't ready to scream into my skin. "That's all."

Nathan shoved a hand into his hair, which I was pleased to see was just as unruly as ever and maybe a little overgrown. He needed a haircut. It made him even more gorgeous.

"Joni, I?—"

"I need a walk," I announced suddenly, jumping out of his reach.

Nathan turned in a circle as I danced around him toward the front door. "What?"

I was practically hopping in place like a rabbit, doing anything but look at him. It was too much to handle. The expression that might be on his face. The thing he might be about to say. I'd just laid my deepest regrets on the table, and while I knew eventually, I'd have to hear whether or not he forgave me for any of them, I couldn't do it yet.

"You basically said as much. I'm pale and sickly, right? Better get some exercise, a little sun, and some food. I hear the grub in Paris is great." I shoved my feet into the slip-ons that had been at the door since I'd arrived two months earlier. Marie wasn't exaggerating when she said I hadn't left the apartment. Necessities only had been my motto. And I'd been sticking to it.

But for the first time, her garret actually seemed too small for two people. Maybe it was because of the size of the man standing in here with me. Or maybe it was the size of the emotions. Either way, we needed to be let out.

I grabbed the spare set of keys off the hook next to the door, slung my leather jacket over my shoulders, and then turned to Nathan. "Are you coming?"

He blinked like he'd been stunned. "I—yes. I suppose we can talk at the same time."