35. My Favorite Constellations

THIRTY-FIVE

#8 O Ryan becuz he would win a fight.

Nathan Hunt was a man on a mission.

My hand clenched firmly in his, he led me out of the room at a pace that forced me to almost jog behind him. He ignored people calling his name, the appreciative stares of both women and men,

"Nathan!" called Charlotte Mueller as she noticed him pass. "Come have a drink with us!"

He didn't say a word.

Instead, he led me out of the hall and up a variety of steps, around corners and down hallways, and then finally down a walkway toward a massive round structure I recognized.

"The planetarium?" I asked. "Can we even get in there?"

Nathan gave me a shy smile. "I might have arranged earlier for it to be open."

I cocked my head. He planned this? For what?

"So, you were that sure you were going to get laid, huh?" I joked.

Nathan turned, and though it was too dark to read his expression, tension lifted his shoulders. "No. I only thought we might need a place to take some space." He looked around. "I also thought you might like it."

"Why's that?"

He turned. "Because you grew up in the city. I miss the stars sometimes. I thought maybe you would like to see them too."

He opened the door, then he led me inside the darkened planetarium with reclined seating arranged like a theater in the round circling a platformed stage in the center. Except the reclined seats faced up to a ceiling littered with digitized stars.

I stared up. He was right, of course. The sky was a little darker in Belmont than Manhattan, but the heavens were still mostly hidden by a halo of light that wreathed the city at all hours.

Nathan took a seat at the bottom of the theater.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I asked.

He frowned at the empty seats beside him, but when he realized I was staring at his lap, his expression softened. "Oh. No, of course not."

He opened his arms, allowing me to lie back in his lap so we could both tip back and look up at the faux night sky spinning slowly, constellations glowing in the domed ceiling.

"When I was in high school, some of us would sneak up to Woodlawn Cemetery at night to glimpse a few of these," I said. "But this is much clearer."

"You used to hang out in a cemetery?" Nathan sounded reasonably worried about that.

I chuckled. "Not in a witchy kind of way. We just went because it was quiet. We could smoke weed and look at the stars. Get a little peace from the city."

"I used to do the same thing at my family's house. On clear nights, I'd take a horse and ride out to the center of the property. There's a pond there, and no one around for miles. We'd camp, and I'd pretend I didn't have to go back." His arms wrapped around my waist and squeezed. "Sometimes, I could see the Milky Way."

I sighed, utterly content. The party was forgotten for the moment, as was the constant pressure of needing to perform for so many people, of trying to quiet the chaos in my head, the constant confusion.

Sometimes, it felt like that performance never stopped. I always had to be something more for others. In school, it was torture to stop myself from interrupting, and if I wasn't doing that, I was struggling to pay attention. With my family, it was trying to fit their expectation of what a good Zola should be: responsible, smart, grown. And with men…well, I didn't want to think about that right now.

Not when I was in this man's arms. I was free to be myself. Free to be only myself.

"There's Leo," Nathan said, pointing to a familiar constellation on the right. "You."

I smiled into his shoulder. "My lion."

A kiss was pressed to the top of my head. "That's right." He gave a long sigh. "I never knew it could be like this."

"What, watching constellations?"

There was a squeeze at my waist. "No. Being with someone." Nathan's nose burrowed into my neck, and he kissed me softly just under the ear. "Being with you."

I hummed in agreement. "Me neither."

Carefully, he turned me in his lap so I was sitting with my feet draped over his knees. His nose touched mine, and he kissed me, soft and true.

Our eyes met, and my heart thumped in response. He looked like he wanted to say something. Like he wanted me to say something.

"Are you honest with me?" he asked.

It was not what I wanted to hear.

"I…"

"Because I know I wasn't at first," Nathan went on as if he hadn't heard me stutter. "I know I kept things from you. Things you had to hear from Carrick."

"You mean about Isla?"

"And her mother," Nathan agreed. "Yes."

I traced a finger around his impossibly sharp jaw. "I understand why you didn't tell me. It's a sensitive thing."

Nathan was quiet for a long moment. "My parents want me to take over the company."

So that's what he was getting at.

"I know," I said. "Carrick told me tonight."

He frowned and muttered something like "fucking Carrick" under his breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you first."

"It's okay…" I considered. "But why didn't you?"

"It felt pathetic, I suppose. It's why they are so controlling. My father is obsessed with his first born taking on his mantle, but I've always fought it. I never wanted that."

"But they've used Isla to control you for years. Why set all these other requirements?" It seemed too complicated to make sense.

"Because they always thought I would fail. And maybe then returning home would be my decision, not theirs. And because…" He traced a finger over my knee through the lamé fabric. "Because they aren't bad people. I think they convinced themselves that my personal life, my disorder, allowed them to do things in the name of my best interests. The way many parents think they do."

I nodded. "I understand that one." It was exactly what my siblings had done just last month.

"But I won't fail," Nathan said. Gently, he pulled my face closer to his so our lips hovered over one another. "I won't fail this time because…I have you."

I remained silent, basking in the praise. There was no way he would know how such simple words made me feel.

"Do I have you, Joni?" he asked, his deep voice barely more than a whisper.

I sucked in a breath. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck, promise him my heart, swear my love and every other emotion roiling in my head.

Except for the one thing that kept popping into my head.

Love is honest, he once said.

And I still had one more secret.

"What is it?" Nathan asked. "You're not looking at me. I don't know that expression."

Guilt, I wanted to say. That expression is guilt.

"Is there something you need to tell me?" he asked. "Do you not feel the same way? Because if you aren't, I'd rather know?—"

"No!" I broke in, twisting around in his lap so intensely that I literally fell off, toppling down to the ground before he could catch me.

I paused there on the floor. On my knees. And looked up at him.

Nathan's eyes sparked with something I hadn't seen before. Something like fear.

"I can't…" He shook his head. "Maybe it's just me. I generally don't read these sorts of cues very well. But I can't help wondering if there was something else you needed to share. Something I need to be aware of." He gripped my hand. "Whatever it is, I can take it."

Tell him, a small voice told me. Tell him now. Tell him everything.

It wouldn't have mattered. I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe that Nathan was different from literally every person on the planet who would judge me for what I'd done. That he would be exactly what he said he was?—

"No," I finally said. "There's nothing you need to know…except that I feel the same."

He stared at me for a long time. "You do?"

I nodded and got up on my knees to lay my head on his stomach. "Yes, you sweet grump. I do. I lo?—"

God, I'd almost said it. That was twice now.

But it wasn't right. I had a bad habit of putting the car—or was it cart?—before the donkey or horse or whatever animal.

Nathan wasn't someone to rush.

He was, however, someone worth loving.

And someone worth doing other things to as well.

"I love being with you," I finished as I sat back up on my heels and ran my hands down his powerful thighs. "And I love doing other things to you too. And right now, that includes this."

His mouth fell open as I pulled down his zipper.

"Joni," he mumbled. "I wasn't planning?—"

"Don't fight it," I said as I pulled down his briefs, taking out the cock that was as hard as ever. For me. "When a girlfriend offers to give him head, a boyfriend should enjoy it."

That made him smile as I pressed my mouth to the tip, a reverent kiss. Nathan's entire body shuddered.

"I'll have you know," I said, "I've been told I'm very good at this."

His hand landed on the side of my head, urging me forward. "Show me."

So I did. I took his considerable length in my mouth as far as I could, breathing deeply through my nose, willing my body to relax. Nathan watched, seemingly entranced, every so often emitting a groan or a well-placed "Oh, fuck" that only spurred me on more.

Then I released him and smiled. "All right?"

He was staring up at the ceiling. "Christ. Christ. You weren't joking about your skill."

"I wouldn't joke about something like that." I ran my tongue up his shaft. "Stand up."

He peered down his body at me curiously. "Why?"

"Because now," I said as I pushed up on my knees, "you fuck my face."

His eyes popped open. "You actually want me to do that?" He sounded incredulous.

I tilted my head. "That depends. Would you want to?"

Nathan swallowed. Hard enough to make his bowtie look crooked. "I—yes. But it's not something I'd ever expect you or another partner to do."

I kissed the very tip of him, enjoying the way it made him arch against his seat. "Here's a universal truth about women: The better you treat us outside of our sex life, the filthier we want it to be." I slithered up his body until I covered all of him. "And you treat me very, very good, Dr. Hunt."

Too good, I almost said. Better than I deserved.

But instead, I kissed him, and he kissed me back just as thoroughly as ever, grunting as his hand slid over my bare waist, holding me in place so he could grind his hips upward against my waiting thighs.

It was everything I could do not to rotate my hips down and take him bare, just like that.

The idea thrilled and shocked me. Mostly because in all the years I'd been with anyone, I'd never even considered that.

"Joni." Nathan's voice was a rumble as his hand traveled up my back.

"Anything you want, babe," I mumbled back before he licked the inside of my mouth. "Just take it."

His tongue tangled with mine more intensely as one hand took solid hold of my hair and pulled just enough to make it bite.

The effect was immediate as I moaned into his mouth.

Nathan slid his other hand down to his waist, where he quickly unzipped his pants, then guided me back down his body until he could stand, and I was back on my knees in front of him, ready to worship at the altar of Nathan Hunt. I watched, mouth watering, as he took his cock in one hand and tapped the tip against my mouth.

"Open," he said quietly.

I obeyed.

Even with fingers threaded through my hair so tightly they pulled, he was careful. Aware of his size. Aware of the way he filled my mouth, inch by inch. Giving me time to taste him, explore him. Waiting patiently for me to open fully to him to enter.

Which I did.

"You look so beautiful like this." He breathed as he pushed into my mouth. "On your knees. My dick in your mouth. Big eyes looking up at me. Fuck."

His words weren't fancy. Just telling me how it was. How he felt. What he was doing. But they were my undoing just the same.

I relaxed my jaw, taking him deeper, enjoying the way he quivered as he started to move, holding the back of my head as he pushed all the way in.

"Fuck," Nathan groaned again. "Your throat feels amazing. You are amazing."

I blinked, eyes watering as much from my rising emotions as from what we were doing. And yet, I didn't want to fight it. I wanted Nathan to use me precisely because I knew he never would unless I asked. With him, I felt endlessly precious. Appreciated. More than that, I felt free to be his in every way I could. Demeaning ways. Beautiful ways. And every way in between.

He pulled out, and I gasped, unable to think straight as he hauled me up from my knees, back to my feet, back into his arms. Like he knew I needed the help to get my bearings back. Grounding. In him.

Then his mouth was on mine again, a lifeline that banished every thought I had, replacing them only with the energy between us.

"I need to be inside you now," Nathan said as he rotated me away from the seats and started walking me backward toward the platform, dragging my skirt up to my hips as we went. "Is that—are you ready?"

My knees buckled against the platform, and I fell backward, taking him with me, slipping my hands under his starched dress shirt to enjoy the ridges of his abdomen, the planes of his chest.

"Babe, you have no idea how ready I am for you," I told him honestly. "Like a waterfall down there, seriously."

That broad mouth quirked into another delicious half-smile—the one I was starting to think was reserved just for me. And then his mouth was on mine again as he ground into me, tugging up my dress, pulling aside the yards of fabric until I was finally able to wrap my legs around his waist, hold him close, feel that solid length of him brushing against the very core of me.

"Are you—" He broke away, then pressed his forehead to mine as he took a few deep breaths, clearly trying to get himself together. "Are you using any sort of contraception?"

I sucked in a breath of my own. I could barely think; I wanted him so badly. "Yes, an IUD, but—you don't have a condom?"

The idea seemed totally implausible. Nathan was the most careful, considerate person I'd ever met. It hadn't even occurred to me to prepare when I knew he would—a thought that made me feel guilty.

"No, I do," he said, to my utter relief. "It's only…" Another deep breath. Another deep exhale over my shoulder before he kissed me again.

It wiped every coherent thought from my brain again as he devoured my mouth, and the long length of him rubbed more insistently against my slick entrance.

Fuck. Me.

Literally.

I tilted my hips down. Just a little more. Just a little—wait.

Nathan peered down at me, his dark eyes vast pools of want. I wanted to dive into them and never come up.

"I've never wanted this with a woman," he said as he rocked against me, his cock literally teasing me. "Never wanted to be this…close."

This naked, he meant, stumbling as he was over his words. This bare.

As close as you could get to another person. And he wanted it with me.

I wrapped my arms around his head, wove my fingers into his lush hair, and guided him back for another kiss.

"Do it," I whispered. "Please."

And then he was there. One solid inch at a time, easing his way into me, watching me intently as I adjusted to the sheer size of him.

But this time, I knew what to expect.

"Oh, God," I moaned. "Nathan, please, baby. Fuck me hard."

That seemed to be his undoing. His hips started to move, pistoning in and out of me with the steadiness of a locomotive. He propped one hand over my shoulder so the other could wrap around my neck and squeeze. Just a little.

"Take it," he ordered. "Fuck, Joni, take me."

I cried out, though the hand at my throat stifled the sound. Gasping for breath, I flailed under him, under the fullness, the onslaught of his touch.

It was perfect. He was perfect. How anyone in their right mind could ever think otherwise was beyond me. Maybe I didn't deserve someone like him in the long run, but I'd be damned if I wouldn't take advantage of every moment just like this. Every second, he undid me completely. Maybe I'd be ruined forever, but I didn't care.

I was his anyway. Maybe I had been from the start.

"Focus," Nathan ordered. The hand at my neck slid down my torso, tugging on the halter of the dress, then falling down, down to find my clit. "Focus on us. Feel my hand on your clit. Feel my cock, deep inside you." He moved faster, sweat beading across his brow as he worked.

I found myself obeying. Because it wasn't exactly hard.

Obsession wasn't a new concept for me. Life had always seemed to work that way. Either things were so overwhelming that I couldn't pay attention at all, or one thing in particular would grab my attention so intensely that I couldn't see anything else.

Few things allowed me to escape the noise in my head and around me. Dance was one. And this…this intense joining of our bodies was another.

I couldn't see, hear, or sense anything else. Not one.

"FUCK!" Nathan shouted as he rammed forward. The thumb at my clit pressed a bit harder, making me jerk under his touch. "Are you close?" he asked. "Please tell me you're close. I can't—fuck, Joni, I can't hold off much longer."

"I'm—oh, God!" I moaned as he pummeled forward.

And then I was flying. Pleasure exploded through my entire body as I seized there under the sky. Stars dappled Nathan's face as he roared his climax to the heavens, holding my thighs like a life preserver, the only thing keeping him afloat in a sea of pleasure.

He collapsed forward, catching himself on his forearms, tenting me with his body against the dais.

"Your mouth," he mumbled as his own drifted up my neck. "Give me your mouth."

I did, succumbing to a kiss that was drowsy but no less thorough than ever. It tasted bittersweet with the knowledge that this moment would soon be over. But eager at the thought that there was only more to come.

"Joni, I…" Nathan pushed a few errant locks out of my face, thumb stroking my cheek as he gazed into my eyes. "What I feel…I'm not good at saying it, but…"

"Yes?" I wondered. My heart gave a thump like it wanted to jump out of my chest to meet with his.

I wanted to say it first. But I couldn't. I couldn't.

Nathan licked his lips and tried again. "Joni, I think I lo?—"

"Nathan?!"

We both started at the sound of a shrill, high-pitched voice that bordered on a shriek.

"Fuck," Nathan muttered into my hair.

I could only gawk. This couldn't be happening.

"Nathan," I whispered. "Did your mother just catch us having sex?"

But before he answered, her voice filled the planetarium again with the worst words possible.

"Get your hands off my son!"