Chapter 41

Chapter 41

"Jamie! Oh, Jesus!"

I was a mess of tears and blood and snot and pain and hatred and hurt and self-loathing, but Mrs C guided me into the back office and sat me down, immediately grabbing a small first-aid box from on top of the filing cabinet and setting to work cleaning me up.

Beth hurried in moments later, Dan following. The word around school wasn't horror at what had happened to me – it was pleasure. I'd deserved it. It was my fault. I had it coming. Vigilante justice: delivered! Beth had already screamed at multiple people relishing the story, and had already been told she ought to stop "supporting a paedo". I'd unleashed so much hate, and they didn't just want to destroy me, they wanted to destroy anyone sticking up for me too.

"Where's Rob?" I managed to babble. "Have you seen Rob?"

Beth shook her head. "I'm not even sure he's in today."

I hoped that was true. I hoped he was safe. I wanted him here, but I'd rather he was at home, out of harm's way.

Beth held my hand while Mrs C finished tidying me up, Dan with his head in his hands on the chair next to me. I understood. The situation did feel hopeless.

"It's torn, isn't it?" I said, about my ear, after she'd finished.

"Yes."

I sighed. "I liked it. Rob suggested it."

"It can be repaired. I snagged one of mine once – they were able to sort it out; it's an outpatient procedure."

"Maybe it's better out. Just makes life more difficult – lets people know, doesn't it? Bring it on myself."

"Shut up, Jamie," Beth said. "I don't mean to be rude but shut up. You have the right to wear what you like, be who you like, and love who you like. And none of those things are anyone's business but yours. And if other people don't like that, that's their problem."

"Yeah," I said. "And they'll take it out on me, anyway. 'Cause they've been told they can. 'Cause they've been told I'm wrong."

Dan got up and paced over to the window, then back again. "This is so messed up.*"

Mrs C sighed. "You're staying here until the end of school. If the other staff won't protect you, then I sure as hell will." She looked at Beth and Dan. "You can go to your lessons; I'll look after him."

Mrs C made me some tea, which I sipped as she sorted out the end-of-lunch library rush, dispatched assorted hangers-on and stragglers, and eventually closed the main doors and returned, making herself a cup of tea before sitting down opposite me again. She was wearing the most amazing animal- print top – zebra, possibly – and it made me smile, because it felt like a tiny ray of fabulous sunshine, on an otherwise bleak day.

"You heard about them going through the entire collection?" she said.

I nodded.

"I came this close to resigning."

"Please say you didn't. I don't think my day can get any worse."

"I didn't. But how can I do my job when I'm having to defend the books against bullies and bigots who are convinced their narrow view of the world is the only view that's right?" A devious smile played on her lips. "But we don't capitulate to people like that."

She got up and pulled a stack of books out of her bag, handing them to me as I quickly put my cup down. I recognized the one on top – A Boy's Own Story. My eyes widened as I riffled through the others. Gay books. Lesbian books. I'd never seen so many.

"Where did you get these?!"

"My younger brother lives in London. He came down last weekend, so I asked him to bring them. There's a bookshop there called Gay's the Word—*"

I laughed. "They actually called the shop that? Don't they get bricks through the window?"

"I think, sometimes, yes," Mrs C said. "Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've got another stack hidden in the filing cabinet. So how do you fancy spending next period taking out the title and imprint pages, and putting fake covers on them all and we'll sneak them on to the shelves?"

I managed a small smile.

"There's the Jamie we know and love," she said.

"Won't you get in trouble?"

She shrugged. "Probably. Eventually, yes. Oh, it'll be scandalous! They'll want my head on a spike, but staying silent and obeying lets them win. And why should they? They're wrong. And I sure as hell don't want to live in a world where they're considered right."

We spent the rest of the afternoon cutting and pasting. We removed the covers from various heterosexual romances, stories of straight people, and some RE titles, and placed them on the gay books. Mrs C said that would make them harder to find – they would literally have to read all the books to work out which ones were banned.

And it felt good. Would we get away with it? It almost didn't matter. Mrs C had more to put out if any got discovered and removed, and she intended to carry on until the day they finally sacked her. I admired her so much for that. She was prepared to put her entire livelihood on the line for something she believed in. She was brave. And she made me feel braver too.

I hung back after the last bell, hoping that Trouble would get bored and have wondered off home by the time I emerged. But, of course, Beth and Dan came back to the library for me – no way were they going to let me walk home alone. My own little army. They refused to be cowed, and I was grateful to them for that. Meanwhile, my heart was still full of fight, but my head was still full of worry: where the hell was Rob?

Cut to: my question answered, as we slipped out the back exit of the humanities block and walked along the path. We found him propped up against a wall by the temporary biology huts, nose bloodied, shirt torn, a swollen eye, cut lip … head lolling, like he was barely conscious. He managed to look up as I ran to him, and despite everything, he smiled.

"They got you too, huh?" he said.

"Fuck, let me help you."

"I'm OK."

"You're not!"

I scrambled in my bag for tissues and started cleaning him up, Beth helping me.

"I'll get help!" Dan said.

"Don't," Rob replied. "I'm fine."

He took my hand and guided it away from his face. "Don't. If they see you, it'll make it worse." He glanced at me. "Your ear?"

"They ripped it out," I said.

He closed his eyes and nodded.

"You're in pain," I said. "Where does it hurt?"

"Honestly? Everywhere. But I'll live."

"Sir!" Dan shouted across the field, seeing Mr Haskins walking by with a bunch of the football lads, on their way to practice on the field. "Rob's hurt."

"Horseplay!" Haskins shouted back, smiling at us. "Boys will be boys. You're OK. Aren't you, Rob?"

Rob groaned, closing his eyes again.

"He's hurt, sir!" Beth added. "They did this because they think he's gay."

Haskins held his hands up. "Can't get involved with that! Not allowed to discuss being queer – it's against the law. I could lose my job." He gave her a shrug.

The football lads were smirking, sharing digs in hushed tones, but deliberately loud enough for us to hear.

"Bunch of fucking pricks!" Beth told them.

I swear to god, Haskins turned to Scott and muttered, "Must be the time of the month!" and Scott laughed, and it was all the boys together, all the guys, all so funny, and we were just nothing to them.

Among them was Adam Henson. That stung the most. I'd always known he was one of the popular lads, but to see him part of that crowd, and not say anything? His silence spoke volumes. He looked me in the eyes … then he turned away. I thought he was one of the better ones. Maybe he wasn't.*

Beth froze, staring towards them as they laughed and joked, and started jogging on to the field. I think, maybe, she realized what we were facing at that moment. How this hatred was so deeply ingrained, it had permeated everything, over years and years and years, and changing hearts and minds was not going to happen easily, if ever. They could get away with it. No one was going stop them.

Well, let them hate. They could hate all they wanted. They couldn't stop me loving. I shuffled round and sat next to Rob on the ground, squeezing his hand as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. "I love you so much, Jamie," he muttered. "I only want to be with you, it's not asking much."

Tears sprang from my eyes too, and screw people seeing, I wrapped my arms around him, and that was it, the floodgates opened, and we both sobbed into each other's shoulders, until it was too painful for him, and he flinched from me, gasping and clutching his ribs.

When I looked up, Beth and Dan were crying too. They sat down opposite us, on the wet ground, the outcasts, but at least we had each other.

"So, Margaret struck a deal with me," Rob said

hoarsely. "Said she wouldn't tell my dad, but I had to promise I'd cut all ties with you, never see you again, no illicit meetings, nothing at school. Said it would break his heart, as well as derail his career, and that I needed to stop being so selfish and appreciate everything he was trying to do, holding things together, since Mum died. She said…" He took an unsteady breath. "She said otherwise I'd be sent to that school in Scotland, and she didn't want that, and was sure I didn't, and so all I had to do was behave myself and it'd be fine."

I leaned back against the wall and tried not to start crying again.

"Don't worry, Jay. Screw that, huh?"

"You can't. You can't risk it. You can't be sent somewhere like that."

He sniffed. "I've no intention of being sent anywhere. I told you, I'd run away before that happened. And they can say what they like, they can beat me, and they can hurt me, but I am never going to stop being me and loving you and wanting to be with you, and nothing will ever stop that, so what can they do?" His voice was shaking. "What can they do, Jay? Is this all they've got? Because we're both still here! And still together."

The tears came again, rolling down my face, and streaming down his. Anger, pain, fear, injustice – all of that. And yet, buried somewhere deep, he was right, there was love, and it felt like that was somehow safe. That it was ours. And the tears were tears of love too, because I loved him so, so much.

He turned back to me. "I should get home—"

"I'll walk with you."

"You won't. They might be waiting for me just up the road. Just go home, Jay."

"I'll walk with you," Dan told him.

"And I'll walk with you," Beth told me. "We'll get you both home safely, and I think it might be an idea to call in sick for a few days – 'til it all dies down."

"Well, fuck them. They don't get to win," Rob said. "Friday night. We said we'd go to that gay club in Lincoln – well, let's do it."

"Like this? We look like hell."

"Yes, like this."

"OK," I said, laughing despite everything. "How do we get there?"

"I'm gonna book a taxi – there and back. I'll come and pick you up around eight."

I nodded. "'Kay."

He hauled himself upright, wincing and trying to smile through the pain of his swollen eye and bloody nose. "'Til then, yeah?"

"Yeah," I said. "'Til then."

*I didn't realize, until years later when I bumped into him in a bar in Soho, what effect this had on Dan. Turned out he was bi, and every bit as scared as me. Turned out, as well as the book itself, he'd also read the messages between me and Rob, and thought them sweet. He said they'd helped him come to terms with who he was. Funny how queer kids manage to find each other, isn't it?

*And you should go and visit Jim, Uli, Erica and the team.

*Twenty years later, he apologized to me on Facebook Messenger. I told him it was OK. But it's not OK. I'm still a people-pleaser even now, and I wish I wasn't. If you don't call it out, nothing changes. But then again, maybe he was just as scared as the rest of us, maybe he was a product of the time, and the place, and maybe I should cut him some slack for that? No easy answers, no neat endings. In real life, bad people don't always get their comeuppance, and bad people are shades of grey anyway.