Chapter 17

Chapter 17

So, that made me feel bad about myself. All that wasted worry. All that hope.

And then stood up! That was the first time I told myself that boys were the worst.*

But there was something I didn't know.

Remember when I talked about an earlier action being the first domino that fell (page 27, if you need to refresh your memory)? And then this course was unleashed which would continue and continue, and I couldn't stop it? If you've ever seen a domino run, you'll know that sometimes a line can fork, and two lines can run in parallel, falling simultaneously, until they join back up again with double the force. What I didn't know then is that a short while ago the line had forked. Something else was going on, right at that moment, in parallel, which was about to crash back into my life with considerable force.

There you go, a bit of dramatic irony to keep you going.

It's important to keep going, I told myself that afternoon. I'd given things a chance, they hadn't worked; it was time to get back to what I did best: keeping myself busy, being an A+ student, polite, mature, an Oxbridge candidate.

The common room was deserted when I got there at the end of the day. Fine by me. All I wanted was to quietly go home and lick my wounds. I twisted my key in my locker, pulled the door open, and the note fell out.

Hishandwriting.

Hi Jamie,

So it's you? It's funny to finally know that. I'm sorry I didn't show, but I couldn't. You looked me right in the eyes today, but I guess you still don't know which eyes were mine.

I don't mean to be cruel. I'm not trying to tease you. I was all set to come.

But actually, thinking about it, it's a bad idea. Really bad. Everyone thinks I'm someone I'm not. And for reasons you will never understand, it's impossible for me to change that. I won't ever be able to be honest about stuff. So, this isn't me being cruel, it's me saying you'd be better off forgetting about me, because I won't ever be able to be who I want to be, and who you want me to be, who you deserve me to be, and me and you could never be anything anyway because that's not the way the world works and it's definitely not the way my world works.

I'm writing this to say goodbye. It's been a lot of fun and I'm glad we talked. I'll remember it for ever. But it's time to move on, and we should both pretend none of this happened. Trust me – that's the only way.

But Jamie? Just for the record, because you don't strike me as someone who sees it, you're really cute. You're smart, and you're kind, and I know you're a sweet guy. I do really like you. When I saw it was you waiting on the bench, it made me smile. It felt good because I don't do much smiling these days.

x

*And definitely not the last.