Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Well, that particular "shirt" wasn't such a bad fit. I didn't hate it. I wouldn't say I was entirely comfortable in it; it felt a bit weird, it wasn't quite right, but perhaps I would get used to it?

After I'd said the words that electric Friday night, Electra and I had partied. We put my Pet Shop Boys cassette on my hi-fi and Electra had shouted, "Wave Warriors, splashdown!" and I'd replied, "Contenders, splashdown!" and now I supposed it was time to do this thing.

First stop on Monday morning: the library. I went straight for the book and, before I had time to talk myself out of it, wrote a reply underneath his about what happened with Zara in the common room:

I know. I felt sick. And I wish I'd been brave enough to say something. Honest truth: I'd like to go to the ball with a boy and have it be no big deal, have it be like it is for any other couple. More honest truth: even though I don't know who you are, I sometimes think about going with you.

I was breathless. Exhilaration mixed with … relief? Meanwhile, I was determined to find him. I still didn't want to ask Beth who was in that SPS class on Friday – the fewer people who suspected anything the better. I'd have to wait and see for myself in four days. But that didn't stop me trying to catch him between now and then. I went back to the library at break to watch the bookshelves from afar, and at lunch, but I came up blank. By the following morning, he'd replied, making me wonder again who exactly he was and how he was always managing to evade me.

Are you wondering that too?

How does that work, huh?

Intriguing clue, isn't it?

The answer's there, but you hopefully haven't joined the dots yet.

I am so going to write a full-on murder mystery sometime soon.

Back to his reply though for now…

You are a hopeless romantic, my friend! This is no fantasy novel.

Did he know how close he was to working out who I was? Had he already guessed? I pressed on, because this was happening now, and I was going to see it through:

I admit it, yes, I am. I know it could never really happen … except in a way, it could? What if there was a way we could both be there, together, and we would know, but no one else would?

He'd replied by the start of lunch:

How?

I smiled and wrote back:

Both turn up wearing the same colour handkerchief in the lapel pocket of our suits. Red, let's say! Then we'll know who each other is. No one else will know the significance. Deal?

He didn't reply to that. Silence again.

But no, no, no. He wasn't getting away that easily.

On Friday afternoon, at exactly two forty-five p.m. (I had to promise myself I'd do it at a set time otherwise I'd just let it slide and slide and it would be too late), I told Mr Higson, my history teacher, that I was feeling unwell and asked to be excused for a few moments. I made my way to the library where the final Friday lesson of supervised private study was taking place, and acted like I was looking for a reference book.

The room was silent.

Mrs West was the teacher in charge, and she was known for being strict.

Beth had her head down working on an essay. But it was the boys I was interested in.

The camera. From my point of view, panning across the room. Around twenty students in all, most of them minor players, but three stand out, not because I've had interactions with them (that was irrelevant since they didn't know it was me they were writing to), but because I'd seen them all in the library, sometimes on multiple occasions, and that surely had to be significant:

Adam

Dan

and Jason.

Feel the fear. Do it anyway.

I had to know. I had to either end this, or start this, or otherwise complicate this, one way or the other. The notes had been good. But I was ready for more.

I was ready for change.

I went round to where the book was and scribbled my final note. This was it. He could take it or he could leave it, the ball would be finally in his court. I was ready. It was just a question of whether he was too:

I want to meet you. Monday. 1.05 p.m. Bench in the corner of the yard by the yew tree. I'll be there. I only want to talk. I'm scared. Maybe you are too? Let's be scared together.