Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

LAVENDER AND LIGHT

" A h, Duke Verimore. Are you here to visit Charlotte?" Lady Bellmore asked as she peered through the door of Charlotte's bedroom.

Dominic nodded. He had spent most of the afternoon debating whether or not he should check on his ‘fiancée'. He had, of course, accompanied her back to the castle, but she had dismissed him while she waited for the physician to arrive.

He had not known what to do with himself. Whether it would be better or worse to be by her side or if that would only serve to irritate her.

"I am afraid she is sleeping at the moment. The physician gave her some laudanum for the pain," Lady Bellmore murmured, stepping through the door and closing it behind her.

"How is she?" Dominic fell into step beside Lady Bellmore as they walked down the stairs.

"She is in pain, but it is nothing too serious, Your Grace. The physician bade her rest for today but said that by tomorrow she will be fine." Lady Bellmore surveyed him.

"That is good." Dominic glanced towards the top of the stairs in the direction of Charlotte's room, taking half a step towards it before catching himself and turning to face Lady Bellmore instead. "I am glad she was not seriously injured."

"As am I," the woman agreed. "I imagine it would have made things very difficult for you."

"What do you mean?" Dominic frowned at her. What does she know?

"Well, the games, of course. It would be hard for her to compete if she were seriously hurt." Lady Bellmore raised an eyebrow at him, and Dominic had the odd feeling of being tested.

"Oh, yes, of course," he recovered, trying to sound more confident than he felt. "Though her health is far more important than these shenanigans."

"Truly?" she canted her head towards him.

"Yes, I would not forgive myself if harm came to her on my account." Dominic was silent a moment, keenly aware of Charlotte's stepmother seeming to study him. These games are important, but she should not have been hurt in the course of them.

"Would you walk with me a while, Your Grace? I feel like I have hardly gotten to know you, and well, you are going to marry my daughter after all." Lady Bellmore smiled at him.

He hesitated, Charlotte's warning about making her family too fond of him echoing in his mind. But surely it would be suspicious not to acquiesce to such a request. We do not have to walk together long. "I would be delighted to accompany you."

"Wonderful." Lady Bellmore slipped an arm through his. "I always find it so much easier to walk and talk. Something about the movement clears the mind."

Dominic made a noncommittal noise as they began to walk together through the hall of the castle and out into the sweeping estate.

"Do you know these grounds well?" Lady Bellmore asked. "Charlotte tells me you spent rather a lot of time here when you were young."

"I did. I was often here, and I have many fond memories of this place," Dominic answered.

"And do you have a favourite place within the estate?" Lady Bellmore gestured around them.

"I have always loved the gardens. There is something about being in them, so full of life, that has always been soothing to me," Dominic said.

"You are drawn to lively things then?" she asked.

"Are not we all?" Dominic canted his head towards her. Who would not be drawn to life? Especially when we do not know how much time we might have?

"Some of us more than others. I imagine that is part of the reason you are drawn to Charlotte." Lady Bellmore gave him a sidelong look.

The thought brought him up short, but he recovered smoothly, hoping the woman did not notice his hesitation. "It is hard not to be drawn to someone as full of life as your stepdaughter."

"So it would seem." She looked around them, a pensive look on her face. "Have you shown Charlotte your favourite places?"

"Some, not all, and there are others that would be best seen another time. Spring is my favourite time at Caverton; that is when I would love to show her the estate and its gardens. To take our time," Dominic said, his heart twisting as he did so. Charlotte will not see them in Spring; this whole farce will be ended by then.

The thought made him sad, but he could not work out why. He shook himself, trying to clear his head.

"I am sure she would love that. Spring is her favourite season; she says it is hope brought to life," Lady Bellmore said.

"A sentiment I would agree with. In spring, the gardens are stunning. I used to love to hide in the middle of it all, lying in the grass and staring at the sky. It felt as though I were some tiny insect, lying in the face of all creation. It makes one appreciate how truly magical it all is." He ran a hand through his hair, smiling at the memory of being a boy and watching the clouds amble through the sky as birds trilled their songs around him.

"What a romantic notion," Lady Bellmore murmured. "Almost poetic."

Her words made him think of Charlotte's the day before. He smiled as he pictured her teasing him, her characteristic mix of exasperation and amusement as he spouted bad poetry at her. She has such a pretty smile.

"You seem distracted." Lady Bellmore's voice brought him back to the present.

"My apologies, dear lady." Dominic smiled at her.

"No need to apologise. I find young lovers can be rather easily lost in their own thoughts." Lady Bellmore gave him a curious look.

Dominic swallowed, feeling as though he were treading on dangerous ground. We are not lovers, though; this is only a means to an end. "I suppose it can be rather intoxicating."

"It is nice to see young people so easily distracted. It reminds me that there is still so much joy in the world." She gestured around them, indicating the flowers in bloom. "I was much the same when I first met John; the smallest memory would bring a smile to my face, often without me even realising. In truth, thinking of him still does."

"You sound very much in love," Dominic said.

"We are." Lady Bellmore frowned. "Though it is easy enough to forget such things in the face of life and society."

Dominic did not know what to say. They walked in silence for a moment longer.

"You care for my daughter a great deal, do you not?" Lady Bellmore asked.

"Of course, I do; after all, she is my fiancée," he said. "I want her to be happy."

"And what if she were not your fiancée? Would you care for her then?" Lady Bellmore looked at him, her eyes seeming to bore into his.

"Yes." To his surprise he found that he meant it. When had that happened?

"Even if her happiness was found in another's arms?" She raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest.

He felt as though someone had punched him hard in the stomach, like some force had driven all breath from his lungs. His mind summoned up the image of Charlotte with some faceless man, and his heart seemed to constrict.

But that is your future — a future apart from one another. That should be her future — someone she can grow old with and be merry with for the rest of her days. He swallowed and said, "If that was what she truly desired, then so be it."

"You would not fight for her?" The woman canted her head towards him.

"I would not seek to keep something that had no wish to be there." Dominic tried to sound nonchalant, but his voice came out brittle and hard.

In his mind's eye, he saw his younger self, pleading with his mother, begging her to live. Choose me, I am still here. Live for me. If even his own mother had not chosen him, what hope would he have that anyone else would?

Lady Bellmore tapped the tip of her finger against her lips, pursing them in thought. After a moment, she said, "A word of advice, dear Duke."

"Yes?"

"For all that Charlotte pretends to be a cool and calculating pragmatist, that is not actually what her heart desires." She began to walk away from him. "She does not wish for cold and empty, nor does she long for passion without substance."

"What does she want?" Dominic called after her.

"What all women want: to be chosen by someone worthy," she called over her shoulder.

He felt an odd thrill at the woman's words but ignored it. She is only seeing what we have made her believe, nothing more. It is not like she and Charlotte are close, so why would she know the truth of her heart?

He shook his head, pondering on the strange conversation. He wandered aimlessly and found himself thinking of Charlotte and the way they had spoken the day before.

I am not worthy of her. His chest tightened, and a bead of sweat rolled down his forehead as if to reaffirm just how unworthy he was. He clutched at his side and sat down, his heart thundering.

His hand brushed against something in his pocket, and he found the sprigs of lavender she had picked for him. In his head, he heard her voice, counting as he breathed.

He breathed in deeply, the smell of lavender filling him. And somehow, inexplicably, it was mixed with violets. The pain eased, his heart calmed, and he opened his eyes.

"Something is different," Dominic murmured.

"Talking to yourself dear cousin?" Frederick appeared, grinning at him. "How is your ‘fiancée'? The two of you put on quite some show. It is hard to believe there is nothing between you."

"I am not so sure there is nothing between us," Dominic admitted.

Frederick's eyes widened. "What?"

"At least, I am not sure that I feel nothing for her. I… I do not know. Damn it, Frederick, how did I let this happen?" Dominic ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Let what happen?" Frederick asked.

"Whatever this is! I do not think I have ever been so worried as when I saw her fall and heard her cries of pain; all I wanted to do was keep her safe." His heart ached as he thought of the pain she had been in and the way she had felt in his arms. It felt so good to be able to keep her safe.

"You say that like it is a bad thing." Frederick frowned at him.

"Of course, it is a bad thing. This is supposed to be a temporary arrangement. Nothing more." Dominic made a gesture with his hand, as though he were using it to cut something off. "And yet I find myself thinking of her often. And when I think of her, I want to be with her."

"Well, that is hardly surprising; she is a rather fetching young woman." Frederick grinned.

"Not in that way. I just… I enjoy spending time with her. I find her interesting." Dominic sighed. "She makes me want a future."

"Surely, that is a good thing?" his cousin sounded confused.

"If such a thing was something I could guarantee. But you know as well as I that it is not certain." He saw graves in his mind.

"Just because your father and grandfather died young, does not mean you will." Frederick put an arm on his shoulder.

"It does not mean I will not." Dominic shook him off. He does not know about my fits. "Besides, I have seen what love can do. The pain it brought my mother. I will not put anyone through that."

"But it also brought her great joy."

"And then made her lose the will to live. You did not spend all your childhood trying to convince her to stay." His voice broke. "And still, she did not."

"Your mother is not Lady Charlotte. And she is not your mother," Frederick said. "You do not know that is the future that awaits either of you."

"It does not matter. The point is moot. I do not even know what it is that I am feeling for her. Perhaps it is just proximity?" Dominic shrugged.

He could see his mother in her death bed, remember the pain even more than the joy on her face as she slipped from this world into the next. I begged her to stay.

"Have you tried talking to her about this?" Frederick asked, his words banishing Dominic's memories.

"God, no!" He laughed bitterly.

He did not want to imagine Charlotte's face if he told her about this. He could not tell if it was more upsetting to imagine her unaffected or to imagine her being receptive. You are playing a dangerous game.

"Perhaps you should?" Frederick suggested.

"I could not do that; I would not even know where to begin." Dominic waved a hand dismissively even as some part of him longed to act on his cousin's suggestion.

"When I am unsure of my own thoughts, I find that writing them down can help. Perhaps you should try it? Write her a letter, and see if that makes things clearer." Frederick paused and added, "You do not even have to send it if you do not wish to."

"I suppose I could try it," Dominic murmured, glancing up at the castle. Just writing the thing is unlikely to cause any harm.

"You should." Frederick clapped him on the back. "Now, as pleasant as it is to hear about your lovesick troubles —"

"I said nothing about love!"

"I am famished and fancy a drink. A few of us are heading to the gentleman's club; do you want to join us?"

"That sounds an excellent idea," Dominic said enthusiastically.

Perhaps a drink will cure me of whatever nonsense is in my head. He glanced over his shoulder at the castle once more, wondering if Charlotte would still be resting. He caught Frederick looking at him.

"You really are in trouble, Dorson." Frederick gave him a sympathetic look.

"I think you are right," he agreed.