32. Anna

32

Anna

At some point, I slept. It seemed strange considering my body was already unconscious, but I did feel better when I opened my eyes. Jax was behind me against a tree trunk with his arms wrapped around me. Nothing had changed about the scene in front of me.

Why this particular forest? Was it random? Was it attached to some memory? If so, it must not have been an important one.

"I'm here," Jax said behind me.

"I know." With a small smile, I shifted so I could tilt my head up and look at him. "How long have I been asleep?"

"No clue. Not long. How do you feel?"

"More rested. It's strange to think that I might have been tired, but I guess I needed to stop running for a little bit. I owe you for breaking me out of the memory cycle." I wasn't quite ready to get up yet. Instead, I enjoyed the sensation of being in his arms. It wasn't my body or his body, but it certainly felt real.

It was comfort.

"It's been a lot to learn all in one go. I'm glad you could rest. I have a feeling we'll be allowed to stay here longer if you needed it."

I knew what he wasn't staying. We'd stay here forever unless I found a way out. "What do you think I should do?"

"Trust your instincts. This is your mind. If you were going to hide something inside your mind, where would you put it?"

I wrinkled my nose. "That isn't helpful. My mind is a jumbled-up mess. Sometimes, I'm obsessing about the past. About some…wolf that I had to kill because Dirk was torturing her. Other times, I'm trying to just hide away. When I'm focused on you, it's a little clearer."

"I feel that way when I'm focused on you as well," he said in a low voice that made me all kinds of tingly. Was I really getting horny in my own mind? What was wrong with me? "When your wolf didn't want to come out, where would she go? Where does she hide inside of you?"

That was a strange question. I hadn't considered where inside of me. I just knew that she went as deep as she could go. Sometimes, I could just barely reach her. "It's like I know, but when I focus on it, it's too fuzzy."

"Hmm. My wolf has been hiding from me."

"What?" Head snapping up, I scrambled off his lap and sat in the dirt, facing him. "Why?"

"He thinks he was a monster," Jax said simply. "When the drug took over. He panicked. I don't think he's ever panicked before. I've shifted several times since the drugs have been out of my system, but each time, I've had to force him to come out. The last time, I stopped. He dove so deep inside me that I feel like he can't hear me, but I know where he is. It's a memory I don't like to access very often."

"A memory? Which one?"

"The night the bond snapped into place."

Pain spread through me, and I closed my eyes. Shit, it hurt. I had really let my guard down with him. "That's the most painful memory for you?"

"It is. You were caked in mud and drenched from the rain. So damn scrawny that I don't even know how you were still standing. Dirk's blood was on you, and you just offered up your throat, so damn ready to die. The bond snapped into place, and the things I said to you." Jax's hand reached for mine. "I can never go back and take that away, Anna. I can't fix it. So, I wall that memory away and try to remind myself that we're here now, and that moment doesn't matter."

Oh. Swallowing hard, I opened my eyes. "It doesn't matter, Jax. I barely think of it, and when I do, I can't believe you didn't kill me."

"That's where my wolf goes. Maybe he hides there because he knows I don't visit often. Maybe he thinks he can change it, or maybe it's just the first time he met your wolf, and it comforts him to know that he's finally found his mate."

"Okay. I guess I really need to get back so I can slap some sense into your wolf's head. He was not a monster. He protected me. He protected you. He did exactly what an alpha wolf is supposed to do. He's just as incredible as you." A thought occurred to me. "And he's one hundred percent in charge while you're here, isn't he?"

Jax nodded. "He is. I have a feeling my pack is not happy about it, but hopefully they don't need to take any drastic measures to control him. He's been a little on-edge lately."

Right. Another reason why we needed to get back pronto.

So, my wolf was hiding in a memory. The problem is that I didn't know which memory, and if it was a memory that my mother had hidden away, I'd never be able to access it.

Even if she hadn't, there were just so many memories that I shoved deep down inside myself. There were so many places she could hide away, and so many memories that I wasn't sure I'd survive if I visited them again.

Tears pricked my eyes. "What if she's somewhere awful, like when Dirk scarred her. Oh my God, what if Katherine sent her to my darkest moment? We have to go. We have to check."

"Easy, Anna. We don't know how to control your memories, and even if we did, there's no chance we could check them all. We need to feel sure. When you think about that night, do you feel her? Any more than usual?"

I didn't want to think about it at all. When I did, it was like watching a film on a broken screen. It was so fractured. "I can't feel her. I…I can't even access the whole memory."

"Let's try something else. Something that I do when I feel disconnected from my wolf. Sit cross-legged and take my hand."

Skeptically, I did as he asked. "Are we going to summon her? Should we light some candles?"

"When we get back, we're going to start meditating," Jax said with a grin. "I think it'll be healthy for you."

"I don't need to be alone with my thoughts, thanks,' I said dryly. "Is this what we're doing now? A meditation?"

"Yes, but not for you. You're going to meditate with your wolf. Now, ideally, your wolf will be there with you, but maybe this will help you find her. Close your eyes and try to relax."

That was easier said than done.

"Remember that while we're here, nothing can touch you. This is your mind, and you're in charge. You don't need to fear anything. Just focus on your breath. The cooler air that goes in and the warmer air that goes out. You can even count. In, one. Out, two. In, one. Out, two. Your chest rises and falls. Up and down. In and out. One and two. Up and down."

His voice and the warmth radiating from his hands was such a source of comfort. I found myself matching my breath to his rhythm and relaxing.

"Very good, Anna. Now I want you to think of your wolf. Think of a time when she was relaxed. You were both content. You felt safe."

"And loved," I said without thinking.

Jax paused. "And loved."

The memory came to me, clear as day. We'd returned from rescuing Irene, and I'd been so furious with Jax for not releasing me. I was sleeping in his bed, acting like I was his happy mate, and so bitter that his pack hated me. But some nights, when it was just us, I could relax just a little. Jax had pointed out that my wolf always hiding was a liability, so he was making me go on runs. I pushed back, pretending that I hated it, but really, I felt safe with him.

"She felt safe with you," I whispered. "We're in Black Diamond, running in the forest. Your wolf plays with her. Nips at her gently and encourages her to hunt. She's not looking around for threats or fighting to hide again. She's with your wolf, and she's so safe. The moon is beautiful, and I think I'm falling in love with you, but I can't tell you that."

"It's okay," Jax said hoarsely. "It's okay. We still have so much to get through, but this memory is beautiful."

What did he mean?

"Open your eyes, Anna."

I opened it, and there we were, in Black Diamond Woods. The full moon showered down on us, and the stars were clear and bright. In the distance, wolves howled. His wolves, but I didn't feel any fear.

Next to me, a wolf rolled on his back and chuffed.

Jax.

I wanted to run my hands through his fur, but I knew they would just go right through. I couldn't manipulate anything here. "She's not here," I said as I looked around. Disappointment grew inside of me.

"Don't lose yourself in the memory, Anna. Keep focusing. Keep focusing on her. She's not here because she's not just a part of this memory. She's a part of you. Like you. Like your damn mother when she chooses to be. Focus on how your wolf felt. Find that connection."

Taking a deep breath, I raised my face toward the moon.

My wolf. The half of me that was always there. I protected her and she protected me. We were both survivors. We'd grown into leaders. We loved. We were loved.

Come to me.

My whispers were soft to my ears, but I could hear the trees swaying with my breath.

Come to me.

Jax's hands tightened around mine, but it wasn't fear. It was strength. I reveled in it.

Come to me.

"You did it," Jax breathed.

Immediately, my eyes sprang open, and I turned around. His wolf was still there, acting out the memory, and mine was right next to him. Peering up at me fearfully.

In a fucking cage.