SIXTEEN

Zarek

It really wasn't a good look on me—this mix of misery, anger, and impatience was unbecoming of a squad leader. Yet, that's what painted my days lately. I snapped at Logan over his harmless jokes and dismissed Amelia's pointed observations with barely a second thought. The team sensed the shift; they could feel the icy divide and, without much fuss, they lined up behind Leora, silently taking her side against mine.

Why couldn't they see? Why were they so eager to drag someone else into this maelstrom of danger and uncertainty? I knew too well what happened when people got tangled up in the affairs meant for those in the Alpha program. We were hardened by training, both mentally and physically, prepared for anything—or so we told ourselves. Our only family was the squad; we had long given up on the illusion of a normal life. What was so noble about pulling someone else into this life ?

It wasn't just about keeping her safe anymore; it was about the raw fear that gripped me whenever I thought of her facing the dangers we lived with daily.

I couldn't understand her point of view. And I couldn't make her understand mine. Until it all came rushing back and I could no longer keep my fears from her.

???

"Zar!" Zavier's familiar voice chirped from the backyard. "Check this out!"

I was visiting home after my second tour as the Alpha Squad Six member. My brother had barely seen me in the past few years.

I was in one of my rather solemn moods. We had lost a member of our Squad, Maxton. We couldn't even get his body transferred back to his family. I was beyond exhausted with my appeals to Bridgewood.

Dragging myself from the sofa, I found my way to where Zavier was lounging on the patio bench, his enthusiasm a stark contrast to my gloom.

"Look at this." He waved his phone at me, his face lit up like a kid with a new toy. He shoved the screen in my face, an email blinking back that spoke of recruitment opportunities with the CIA right at his precinct. "It's a covert hire, man. Can you believe it?"

"That's incredible, Z." I managed, shoving aside my own dark cloud for a moment to bask in his excitement. "You thinking about talking to the Chief?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've had enough of playing shepherd to lost elderly folk from the retirement homes around the precinct," he groaned, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Every day it's another wild goose chase for someone who's wandered off. I can't do it anymore, Zar."

I couldn't help but chuckle; his frustrations might have seemed trivial to me once, but they were his daily battles. "You want out to chase bigger things, huh?"

"Exactly! I mean, you're out there, doing important stuff with the CIA. Maybe one day we'll even team up on a mission or something, right?" His grin was all the sunshine I needed, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was no longer CIA.

"I hear you, Z. But remember, it's not all action and glory. It's a lot of missed family dinners, and yeah, they might not even keep you stateside."

He nodded, the weight of my words sinking in, but the sparkle didn't quite leave his eyes. He was ready, maybe for the adventure, maybe to step out of his big brother's shadow.

Just then, our dad's voice boomed, "Zavier!" signaling his return from wherever he'd been pottering about.

I nudged Zavier with my elbow. "Come on, let's go surprise him, he doesn't know I'm home."

And just like that, we headed toward Dad, who was utterly unaware of our approach. The sight of me made his hands falter, and the bag he was holding tumbled to the ground, its contents spilling out unceremoniously.

"Zarek, my boy!" His voice boomed as he rushed over, his arms enveloping me in one of those robust, back-thumping hugs that I'd almost forgotten in my time away. "Hey, Dad!" I managed, the familiarity of home wrapping around me like a warm blanket.

"What are you doing here?" He pulled back, his eyes wide with surprise. "I thought Nuria had you this time of year."

The mention of my mother's name sliced through the moment like a cold breeze. The divorce hadn't been kind, leaving scars too deep and too raw; Dad had moved us from Canada to the USA when I was twelve, creating a chasm between us and Mom that never really healed.

I hadn't seen her much over the years, a silent accord sealed by the choices made back then—that we were unequivocally Dad's kids, not Nuria's. She was a woman who had loved deeply, fiercely even, sometimes standing between us and Dad when things got too intense. But Zavier had chosen Dad, and as the older brother, I'd felt it my duty to uphold his decision, to protect him, even if it meant leaving behind a part of ourselves.

The weekend unfolded with a sense of normalcy I hadn't felt in years, spending time with Zavier and Dad, just like old times. There was a comforting thought that soon, Zavier might join me in my line of work, bringing us even closer. The idea of sharing more of my life with him, perhaps easing the isolation my job often imposed, seemed almost soothing.

What I didn't anticipate was that only six months later, I would be standing at the edge of a grave, shoveling dirt onto a casket. That I'd be carrying the weight of pushing my brother into my world only to lose him in his first real assignment. That I'd never forgive myself for letting my brother join the CIA.

???

"Who is this?"

Leora's voice broke through the haze of my grief, her presence a sudden clarity in my bedroom as I clutched the picture of Zavier—a token I kept hidden behind my decoy badge holder. My hands shook, the image wavering as if threatened by the very air around us.

"Zavier," my voice cracked, a name that seemed to ache with everything I had lost. "My brother."

"You have a brother?" Her voice was gentle, a tentative step into my guarded world .

I could only nod, the truth twisting in me. "Had," I corrected, the word falling like a stone in the stillness of the room. "Not anymore."

Her expression shifted from curiosity to something deeper, more poignant. "Oh, Zarek…"

"It's fine," I lied, sliding the photo back into its hiding place behind my badge. "Just…don't want to add another picture to the collection."

Leora exhaled slowly, her gaze never wavering from mine, reading me as if I were pages in a book she could somehow understand. "I can't erase your fears, Zarek. Just like you can't erase mine."

I nodded, the gesture heavy, burdened. "He was a good cop, you know? Wanted to be more like me." The words tasted bitter, filled with irony and regret.

Her attention was unwavering as I continued, the dam inside me breaking. "He joined the CIA, thought it was his calling. Was good at it, too—trained hard, got deployed fast." My voice broke with the weight of what came next. "First mission out, they walked right into an ambush. A mole in their unit led them straight to a group named, Deathmark." My throat tightened around the words. "They didn't stand a chance."

"I'm sorry, Zarek," she whispered.

I shook my head, dismissing her sympathy with a bitter smile. After Z's death, my relationship with both my parents soured. He was the golden child. And suddenly, I wasn't enough. They couldn't look at me the same. I was the one who encouraged him, after all.

"So, now you know why I can't let you do this." I whispered.

She watched me, her eyes filled with a quiet strength. "I'm not him, Zarek," she said, her voice firm. "Your fears are real, yes. But they're yours, Zarek. Don't make them mine."

Her words struck deep, a reminder of the burdens I carried—not just for myself, but for those I tried to protect, perhaps too fiercely. In her eyes, I saw not just understanding, but a plea for freedom—the freedom to face her own battles. The silence was deafening. But neither of us broke it.

After a few silent beats, she got up and left.