42. Olivia

Olivia

R ueben kissing me shocks me to the core. I would have expected anything from him—from yanking all the flesh from my bones with hot pliers to cutting me into tiny pieces and feeding me to his dog or something like that. But to kiss me? When he hates me with all his being? Makes no sense.

“Why did you kiss me?”

It’s a stupid question but I never claimed to be smart.

Rueben drags his thumb over my bottom lip. “I had to know if you are indeed our soulmate.”

Their soulmate. Their. Soulmate. Surely, my fate can’t be this cruel. Because I don’t want to be with them. With any of them. And especially not with Rueben or Tyson. But when did I ever have a say in anything? Maybe that was the problem all along, that I never had a voice.

“I’m not.” For once in my life, I decide for myself.

Rueben frowns. “Yeah, that would be for the best,” he says before kissing me again. I try to turn my face away from him but he grabs me by my hair and…devours my lips with his. My palms come to rest on his shoulders, strong muscles flexing with each of his movements. “Fuck you little Slutty Nun,” he groans against my lips before sucking my bottom lip. “I’m royally fucked, but if I fall, you fall with me.”

I want to fall but who will catch me? Because I don’t trust any of them to catch me. Maybe it’s time I start to trust my instincts. But where do I even begin?

Tyson returns to the office just as Rueben shoves his tongue in my mouth. I bite Rueben’s tongue, making him hiss.

“The bathtub is ready,” Tyson says.

Despite wanting to hide under the blanket a little longer, it is time to face the world again. Well, at least Ansel, Jasper, and Mose. Crying and hiding won’t solve anything. Crying has never solved anything. If anything, it has made things even worse. And frankly, I don’t think I have any more tears left. The past few days, I spent mourning—mourning what my life could have been if I had never tried to answer the question, “Do hellstars have powers?”

That question ruined my life and destroyed the one good thing I had in my life— his love for me. I still can’t make myself say his name in my head, maybe because in my heart, I buried him a long time ago.

It is better this way. Maybe, our love was never meant to be. For a long time, I wanted someone to love me, to see me. I thought he was the one. But Camila was right all along. I have to love myself first before I can expect others to love me.

But how do I love myself when all my life I was told I’m worth nothing? When I was beaten into submission for years? When fear is all I’ve known for years?

Rueben relentlessly continues to kiss me. It feels like he’s claiming me. A week ago I would have accepted any scraps of love thrown at me, but something that Tyson said struck a nerve.

I don’t like the person I've turned into.

I can even hear Camila ask, And what are you gonna do about it?

Yes, what am I going to do about it?

I’m done waiting for others to see or want me.

I slowly get up from Rueben’s lap. The lack of food and water makes me dizzy and my legs tremble. Tyson rushes to me.

“I can do this on my own.”

Or at least, I have to try. And if I fall, I’ll get up. On my own.

Tyson stands by my side as I take one step after another. “I prepared the bathtub in Jasper’s room,” he tells me. “Since most of your clothes are there, I thought it was the most logical option,” he quickly adds when I keep quiet.

Rueben stands from the sofa bed and follows Tyson and me. I walk slowly, not wanting to fall.

All this time, I thought I was alone, but Camila’s presence has always been with me. She accompanies me on this new journey.

When I’m in the bathroom, I turn to face them. “I need to do this on my own.”

They nod, and I close the door and lock it.

“Olivia, don’t lock the fucking door,” Tyson growls and tries to open the doorknob.

“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything reckless,” I say as I take off the shirt I’m wearing and get inside the bathtub. I lay inside it until the water turns cold, thinking of the past, the present, and the future, if I have a future.

All my life, I was told what to do. If I rebelled, I was punished. It was more than a punishment; I was beaten into submission and now I don’t know how to take the lead of my life. Because it is clear to me now that Rueben won’t kill me anymore and if I have to live, I can’t continue as I am. I need to stand on my own two feet. How will I do that? I have no clue. But I have to start somewhere.

When I’m shivering, I get out of the bathtub, wrap a towel around myself, and look in the mirror. I look like shit. My cheeks are hollow and my hair is lifeless. Oh, and my eyes are red and puffy.

I usually hate looking at my reflection, but today, I do something I never do. I remove the towel and I take a step back and stare at my body in the mirror. I trace all my scars, remembering how I got them. Most of them bring painful memories, especially the ones on my abdomen. My tubes were taken, and in their place, something evil was put inside me. Maybe it was put inside me because I’m a monster for killing Camila.

And if I can’t fight it then….

I trace one more scar on my body.

The time to embrace the darkness has come.

And I do so.

It spreads inside me, filling each and every atom of my being, but it dosen’t turn me into something evil, as I always thought it would. Two bonds stand between me and that darkness, they make me feel as though I’m not so alone anymore. It makes me feel like I have the strength to make a choice. That I can stand up for myself.

I don’t know if I can do that, but I can try. In the end, what do I have to lose? My life?

I continue to look in the mirror, getting familiar with the person I am now.

I am Olivia.

I am broken, but not defeated.

I was silenced, but I still have a voice.

I may be weak, but I’m willing to fight.

The darkness continues to spread inside me until we become one, the bonds shielding my soul. But my heart, which caused me so much torment and anguish, is left exposed. The darkness wraps around it like a barrier so no one will ever hurt me again.

Once I’m done looking in the mirror, I look through Jasper’s cabinet until I find a small pair of scissors and remove the stitches from the cut on my arm. It healed so well the scar is barely visible.

Putting the towel back around myself, I open the bathroom door and come face to face with…Tyson, his blood-brothers, and their friends, who have been on the farm for a few days now. They all look at me like I’m a ghost.

“Thank fuck,” Ansel lets out a big sigh of relief and pulls me into his arms.

“What’s going on?” I want to know, as I extract myself from Ansel’s embrace.

“What do you mean, ‘what’s going on?’” Tyson says. Probably seeing the confused look on my face, he adds, “Olivia, you have been in the bathroom the entire night. We tried to open the fucking door, but it was impossible. Same with the window. We called your name countless times, but we couldn’t hear a sound coming from inside. Levi was about to call the Elders when you finally opened the door. What happened?”

I blink. Once. Twice. What Tyson is saying is…not logical. But then Ansel says something even crazier. “So you finally embraced what you are. As did I, my love.”

What am I?

I am Olivia and the darkness is my companion.

“Are you alright?” Levi asks me.

I frown. “I’m good. Just hungry.” I’m more than hungry. After days of no food, I’m freaking famished.

More stares. A few days ago, having so many people look at me like I had something between my teeth would have made me cower before them. I still want to do that, but the darkness inside me forces me to stay still. It’s not easy, and I avoid their gazes, but at least I don’t have a mini panic attack.

“What do you want me to make for you?” Mose asks.

I can’t remember the last time someone asked me what I wanted to eat. “Bacon and eggs.” Then I change my mind. “Cereals.” Something else comes to my mind. “Ice cream and hot cocoa with marshmallows.”

Levi laughs. “Who the hell wants ice cream for breakfast?”

Jasper pushed Levi out of the way. “She can have whatever she wants. Now, all of you, get the fuck out of my room.”

“But—” Rueben tries to protest.

“I want to change,” I say, not because I want to back up Jasper but because I want to wear something nice when I sit at the table and have breakfast.

All the men, except Jasper, leave. He stands in the doorframe looking at me a bit awkwardly, like he is trying to find his words.

Stepping to the side so I can leave the bathroom, he says, “I’m sorry for the other night.” My first instinct is to think he is trying to trick me somehow, but I listen to him. I really listen to what he has to say.

“Believe it or not, I don’t have that much experience when it comes to women. I had only one girlfriend who ghosted me after two months.” He laughs but I can hear the sadness in his tone. “I never learned why. She was my first in everything, you know. Maybe I was a bad partner to her, I don’t know. After that, it was hard to open up to women. And when I was finally there with a woman that I had known for some years, my first blood-brothers were killed. After that, I resigned myself to dying alone. Until Rueben and the others. But joining their link was a huge step for me and it wasn’t a light decision to make.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he continues talking, “My demon is stronger than Rueben’s. I have a Leviathan, while Rueben has a Belial.”

I don’t understand demon ranking, but I don’t interrupt Jasper.

“But I let Rueben lead because it was my mistake that led to the death of Samir and Iago and I don’t trust myself not to repeat the past. Besides, with my bad knee, I barely go on missions these days.” He frowns. “What I wanted to say is that I have fallen into a routine where I let others make all the important decisions. I even trusted that Rueben would find a woman who would want to be with us. After my past experiences, I was content just to sit around and wait. Until this past Christmas, when I wanted to give Rueben a present.”

“Me.”

“Yes. I didn’t know it would be you, but a woman who would have no choice but to marry us.”

“Because said woman would have become your property.”

Jasper nods. “Yeah. I see how wrong that was. Even if it breaks me, I want you to know that you are free to go whenever you want.”

My eyebrows inch up. “You are letting me go?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the sex tapes?” I inquire.

“We will find another way to take down your father.”

I take a step towards Jasper. “Why are you letting me go?”

“Because we hurt you.”

They did, but at the same time, they treated me better than I had been in years. “Why are you letting me go?”

“Because I failed you.”

“Do you want to bond with me?”

I can tell my question takes Jasper by surprise. “More than anything in the world.”

“Why?” I want to know.

“Because I’m falling in love with you.”

It’s a good answer but it’s not enough to drop my panties for him. Or to bond with him.

“Love is not enough. Not anymore. Let’s have breakfast,” I say.

Several minutes later, Jasper and I enter the kitchen. The towel around my body has been replaced by a sweater and a pair of jeans that I chose without expecting Jasper or the others would do it for me. Was it hard? Fuck yeah, because I kept thinking that I would be hit if I chose the wrong color or something the guys didn’t like. But then I reminded myself that I wanted to stand on my own feet. Choices are hard, but I have to start somewhere.

Ansel and Rueben are sitting at the table while Tyson is putting ice cream in a bowl and Mose is making hot cocoa.

“Is the table new?” I ask.

“Ansel broke the other one,” Jasper chuckles.

“We needed firewood,” Ansel mutters. Running his fingers through his hair, he adds, “Olly, we wanted to talk to you.”

Then Ansel pats his knee. My body almost jerks itself to him, like an obedient dog, but I force myself to walk past Ansel and sit on a chair at the table. If I want to be respected, I need to respect myself first. The bond lets me know Ansel is not pleased with me right now. He can suck it up, I guess. “I’m all ears.”

“We treated you like shit,” Tyson says.

“No, you didn’t.” My breath is even. “It was more than that.” My gaze goes to Jasper. “You made me think my only worth was my womb. The moment you learned I can’t have children, you forgot about me, until Mose said there are still ways for me to get pregnant.”

To Ansel, I say, “You broke my ribs and forced a bond on me.”

Mose is next. “Being spanked by you caused me more pain than any punishment I’ve received before that.”

I exhale loudly before saying to Tyson, “You are not worth my time.”

Rueben is last. “Your word means nothing to me. You promised— promised —me that you would kill me. But you are forcing me to live with all this pain….” I take a deep breath. “Fair enough, I suppose. But I can’t live like before, because I will end up taking my own life or losing my mind. Something has to change.”

Everyone is silent. I guess they didn’t expect me to say all those things. Hell, I didn’t expect it either. Not only that, but they didn’t even interrupt me or punish me. I guess I can say what’s on my mind whenever I want…? Maybe I should not push my luck but they need to know what I really think about them.

“What can I do to help?” Ansel asks.

My first instinct is to say I can do this on my own, but not for what I have in my mind. “I need you to take me…shopping. But after breakfast.”

Mose puts the mug with hot cocoa and marshmallows in front of me. “Is there a way to make it up to you?”

I take a sip from the mug. “Maybe there is.”

“How can I show you that I care more about you than having children?” Jasper asks me next.

“By accepting the fact that I’ll never have children,” I say flatly. “I don’t want any.”

A heartbroken expression appears on Jasper’s face, but instead of commenting something about IVF, he nods resignedly.

Tyson puts the bowl with ice cream next to the mug. “I know I have no right to tell you this, especially after what I did to you, but I love you, Olivia. I know you hate me. Rightfully so. But how do I love you, Olivia? How can I love you the right way?”

“You are wrong, Tyson. I don’t hate you. You mean nothing to me. If you love me, that’s your problem, not mine. Also, it’s not my job to teach you how to love someone. But what I do know is that when you love someone, you don’t call them whore and bitch or torture them for hours.”

Luckily, Rueben keeps quiet so I can enjoy my ice cream and hot cocoa without having to keep throwing in their face how horrible they are. Does it make me feel better calling them out? Not really. But it’s satisfying as fuck to see their faces. When I’m done eating, I stand. “Ansel? Shopping?”

A crease forms between Ansel’s brows. “Whatever you need, Honey.”

A coat is on the back of a chair, and I grab it. “Don’t wait for us,” I say to the others. “Oh, and Rueben. We are taking Diva with us.”