16. Olivia

Olivia

I don't ever wanna wake?up

F or years, the only feelings I’ve had were those of guilt and remorse over what I did to Camila. Whatever was done to me in the clinic made me numb. Combined with the drugs and the alcohol, I was like a living corpse. I ate and drank, talked when allowed, but I was dead inside.

When I decided to help Rueben, I didn’t think that small act would open the gates to every fucking feeling out there. Love, hate, compassion, grief, disgust, anger, longing, loneliness, sadness, shame—everything hit me at once, making it so hard to think and breathe.

I thought I didn’t need anyone in my life, that a hug or kind words were only ways to manipulate me, but I was wrong. The only person who has shown me kindness in years turned his back on me the moment he learned I couldn’t have children.

What did Jasper expect? That we could play the happy family and have children together? Rueben and Tyson would rather torture me to death than contemplate the idea of having anything to do with me.

“Take a deep breath,” Maddox instructs me as he places the stethoscope between my tits.

I do as asked and I end up coughing. My lungs feel like they are on fire. Maybe Maddox will finally give me some good news and tell me I have only a few days left to live. A girl can only hope. But hoping is just bullshit. Once I had hopes and dreams and he ended up smashing all of them. The day he broke my heart, I promised myself never to think of him as the one I gave my entire heart to. That day, I erased his name from my memory, his face becoming a blur. It doesn’t help that he is one of Jasper’s blood-brothers, but I feel relieved he didn’t mention anything about our past. Besides, what I once felt for him is gone. He is Camila’s brother and nothing more.

Once, he had been everything to me, now he is only my tormentor.

Maddox finishes listening to my lungs. “You can put your shirt back on,” he says before turning his attention to Jasper. “She is healing fast. At this rate, she will be fine in a week or two.”

The shirt is pooled around my waist and I pull it around my shoulders.

“Good. How about Ansel?”

Jasper’s voice sounds different from before. Funny how I can now spot the difference. I need to find a way to numb my feelings once more, or else I will go insane.

Maddox puts his stethoscope back in his bag. “I took out the bullet and gave him a few stitches. He will be sore for a few days, but the bullet didn’t hit any organs.” Grabbing his bag, he goes to Jasper. “Let me show you how the heart monitor works.”

Jasper and Maddox leave and I lay in bed, trying to sort out my emotions. There are so many of them… I feel so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed. I don’t think I can live like this. There is so much pain inside of me, I sob into my pillow. I don’t want anyone to hear me. Especially Jasper. He will probably barge in and sweep me into his arms and kiss me…. I can’t allow that to happen, not when I am so vulnerable.

When he left me, calling me every name under the sun, I put a wall around my heart. If I am not careful, Jasper will break it. But… he left the moment he learned I am barren. I don’t have to worry about him anymore.

I cry until I pass out from exhaustion, but I wake up due to nightmares.

The room is dark, letting me know it’s dinner time. Jasper, who always makes sure I eat, drink, or take my meds, hasn’t even bothered to check up on me. Maybe he will forget all about me and I will starve to death. I think dehydration will kill me faster.

Loud voices and laughter can be heard in the living room, letting me know the guys are having a fucking amazing time, while I am drowning in my own pity.

I lay in bed, listening to the guys becoming louder and louder, while the pain in my soul becomes more and more unbearable. When I can’t take it anymore, I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom. Since I tried to cut open my wrists, Jasper has removed any objects that I can use to harm myself.

I return to bed and pray to God to end my suffering. As always, my prayers are met with silence.

Hours later, the house finally falls silent. Jasper doesn’t come to the bedroom and I know I am going to spend the night utterly alone. Even Miss Teapot abandoned me when Maddox came to check up on me. It doesn’t matter. Loneliness has been my companion for a long time. Just because Jasper slept in the same bed as me doesn’t mean anything. He probably wants things I can’t give him.

I am here only to make some sex tapes, then maybe Rueben will give me what I most want. Or he will return me to Jason so I can get high and drunk and forget everything.

The night passes agonizingly slowly and the morning is as lively as the night. The following days, as well. It seems like all of them have moved into this house. I try to ignore them just as they are doing to me, putting a pillow over my ears, not wanting to listen to their conversations.

The few times I leave the room, I find trays of food in front of the door. I take them in, throw the food down the drain, or if Diva is around, give it to her. The medicine is discarded as well. I only drink the juice because I can’t stand a dry throat.

Jasper still doesn’t come to see how I am. He is like all the other men who seek women only when they want to fuck. Sure, Jasper never wanted to fuck me, but the moment he learned I was damaged goods, he discarded me just like everyone before him. I didn’t expect anything different; while I knew it would happen, it still hurts. Maybe because I was slowly getting used to him. He had given me a glimmer of hope and I didn’t recognize it until it was ripped away without a word. Now I know better.

On the fourth morning after Rueben was shot, when the guys finally leave the house, I get out of bed. With a bit of luck, I might find a knife in the kitchen and finish what I started several nights ago.

Ignoring the jolts of pain coming from my toes, I make my way into the kitchen. Empty beer bottles are on the table, together with ashtrays that need to be cleaned. Ignoring the mess, I open the drawers, but no matter how long I search, I don’t find what I am looking for.

Frustrated, I go to the living room. Miss Teapot is sleeping on the couch and I sit next to her. Wanting to distract myself, I grab the remote control when I notice a half-empty bottle of tequila on the coffee table. My heart suddenly beats faster. After looking around, making sure I am truly alone in the house, I grab it and go to the bedroom.

I prefer drugs over alcohol but tequila might get me drunk enough to forget about the pain for a few hours. Jasper might get angry once he learns I drank, but since he no longer wants me, I am sure he won’t care what I am doing.

Just to be sure, I go into the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and take a sip from the bottle. The tequila is stronger than I expected and it feels like it is burning my throat and then my stomach. Good. Maybe I will have a sudden internal combustion and fucking die.

I don’t know how long I stay in the bathroom drinking when I hear Rueben’s voice coming from the next room. “I need help!”

Why is he here?

I ignore him, not wanting to hear how he insults me, but then he screams, “I am going to fucking piss myself!”

My head is spinning and I am sure I am tipsy but over the years, I built a high resistance to alcohol. It would take an entire bottle to get me fully drunk.

Rueben yells again.

Remembering Tyson’s reaction to when I couldn’t contain my bladder and the shame I felt after I wet the bed, I decide to help him.

Swigging from the bottle and drinking the remainder of the tequila, I go to help him after I put the bottle back where I found it.

He is sitting on the bed, trying to yank the IV from his arm. He looks better than the last time I saw him. Being a vessel to a demon has its advantages. Jason always healed fast with the help of his angel. I guess it’s the same for the Lords.

“You shouldn’t do that,” I say. “Let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help, Diseased Cunt,” he snarls. He tries to get up but falls back on the bed. “Fuck!” Glaring daggers at me, he yells, “This is all your fucking fault!”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

The guilt I feel is worse than all the torture I received while I was in the Celestial Heaven or any of the beatings Jason doled out to me. The guilt that lives in my chest and consumes me little by little is my personal hell.

Rueben laughs bitterly. “You ruined my entire life and I will ruin yours.”

I don’t know if he realizes my life is already a living nightmare. Nothing he can do will make it worse than it already is.

“I curse the day Camila let you into our lives.” He tries to stand and I go to help him. “Don’t touch me!”

I don’t want to, but he gets dizzy, and I put my shoulder under his arm, supporting him. My knees bend under his weight but he doesn’t push me away. I keep my face away from him, not wanting him to smell the alcohol on my breath. He either doesn’t notice it, or the hate he feels for me makes him oblivious.

“You should have put that pistol at your temple and blown your brain out instead of shooting my sweet sister right in the heart.”

Grabbing the IV stand pole, I direct him to the bathroom.

“I should have,” I agree.

We make it to the bathroom and I leave him to do his thing before I help him back into the bed.

“I am hungry, bring me something to eat,” he orders me.

It’s been years since I’ve cooked but nevertheless, I go to the kitchen. Remembering that Rueben likes omelet and toast, I look for ingredients in the fridge. Out of sheer luck, I find eggs, butter, shredded cheese, and green onions. In the cupboards, I find a bowl and other things I need and get to work. I rip the green part of the onion with my hands and add it to the cheese and the eggs before I mix everything and put it in the pan. The finished product looks awful, but it shouldn’t taste bad. Maybe.

I put the omelet on the tray together with a few slices of toast, and a glass of juice and take it to Rueben.

“What the fuck is this!?” he sneers when I put the tray on the nightstand next to him.

I should have guessed he wouldn’t like it. “I tried to make your favorite breakfast.”

He knocks everything to the floor. The plate and the glass break, my eyes fixing on the shards. A way out of this misery.

“Except for fucking men and killing innocent people, are you even good at anything?”

“I am sorry,” I whisper and get on my knees to clean the mess.

After I clean the shards, cutting my fingers in the process, Rueben gets out of bed and stands in front of me.

“I was out of my mind when I decided to bring you here. I would rather rip off my cock than stick it inside that nasty cunt of yours to make sex tapes with you.” He sounds cold and full of hate. I look up at him, and he spits on my face. “My parents took their lives because of you and I will make sure you pay for everything you did before I kill you. Finish cleaning and get the fuck out of here!”

I rush to do as he orders, and when the floor is clean, I grab the tray and leave. Before throwing the glass shards in the bin, I put one in my shirt pocket. I wash my hands, wrap a towel around my fingers, and return to my room. Miss Teapot follows me. I pet her, feeling relieved that I’ve finally found a way to end myself. She purrs and I lay on the bed and take the shard out. For a moment, I contemplate going inside the bathroom, not wanting Jasper to have to deal with a mattress soaked with blood, but fuck it.

I roll up my sleeve.

Imagining Camila, her lovely smile, and that sweet boy with turquoise eyes, I put the shard against my wrist. It doesn’t even hurt when I make the first cut. This time, it is along my arm, following a vein that goes from my wrist to the crook of my elbow.

Blood bubbles to the surface almost immediately, and I watch it, transfixed. I switch the shard from one hand to the other and I am about to make another cut when the sound of the front door opening and closing breaks my trance, and I rush to hide the shard in the bathroom.

“Olivia?” Ansel calls my name.

Panicking, I throw the shard inside the toilet tank before I turn on the shower and look for something to stop the bleeding. “Just a moment,” I yell, hoping he won’t enter.

Of course, the opposite happens. “I saw blood on the—” he stops mid-sentence as he looks at my arm. “What the fuck happened?” he growls and closes the distance that separates us in one long step.

Now he pretends he cares? Hypocrite.

“I had an accident in the kitchen while I tried to make breakfast for Rueben,” I lie.

He grabs my arm to take a better look at it. “Accident, my ass. On top of having to protect the farm from Jason and his men, I have to babysit you as well.”

Jason is here?

Ansel takes a towel from the rack and wraps it around my arm.

Knowing I missed my chance, a new plan comes to mind: sneak out of here and find Jason.

“I swear it was an accident. I dropped the tray with food for Rueben, and when I threw the shards away, I cut myself.” Showing him my fingers, I add, “This is from when I cleaned the floor. I didn’t want anyone to get injured, so I tried to push the shards at the bottom of the bin but,” jerking my eyes to my arm, “this happened.”

Ansel turns on the lights around the mirror—Jasper replaced the one I broke with an unbreakable one—and carefully inspects my fingers. It is clear he is unhappy that I cut myself. When he finds some shards stuck in the pads of my fingers, he pulls them out.

After days of being ignored, his reaction makes no sense to me.

Wanting to know more about Jason, I ask, “Why do you think my brother is attacking the farm?”

“A few nights ago, he left the carcass of a dead animal in the pasture with a note. It’s been snowing for several days, and we didn’t see when he snuck onto our property.”

I shouldn’t ask, yet…. “What did the note say?”

“If we don’t hand you over, he will kill our horses.” He snorts. “If he touches any of our animals or you, he is a dead man. He is dead as we are speaking but he doesn’t know it yet. Jasper went nuts. Mose went to the restaurant today to give instructions to his employees. He is taking time off until we deal with Jason.”

After he finishes inspecting my fingers, he helps me wash the blood off myself. “You shouldn’t have cleaned the shards with your hands. In fact, you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. If Rueben wanted to eat, he could have moved his ass to the kitchen.”

I need to find Jason before things escalate. “I got bored. And I don’t mind helping. Besides, Rueben is hurt.”

Not entirely a lie. When living with Jason, I had my radio and TV to distract myself when the voices in my head became too loud. But for the past few days, it had been only my thoughts and me. Without my drugs to keep my mind and soul numb, every passing second was and is a living hell.

“So are you,” Ansel points out.

“I’ve endured far worse,” I say.

Ansel clenches his jaw. “Let’s get you cleaned and bandaged. Mose will take a look at your arm when he returns home.” He turns off the shower. From the other room, Rueben yells for Ansel—who ignores him. “The first aid kit is in the kitchen.”

We walk out of the bathroom and I suddenly get dizzy. It could be the lack of food combined with the loss of blood. I press my hand against the wall, my fingers leaving streaks of blood on it.

“I am sorry,” I whisper as I get even dizzier and am about to fall.

Ansel grabs me and lifts me up in his arms before I hit the floor. “Woah. Are you alright?” I shake my head. “Change of plans. You will stay here while I go to the kitchen.” He puts me on the bed and kisses me. “You taste like alcohol. Have you been drinking?”

“No,” I quickly deny it.

“Jasper won’t be happy with you. Neither am I. We will talk about this later.”

My blood turns cold with fear.

I slowly nod my head.

If Ansel and Jasper are as vicious as Tyson and Rueben, I won’t need to worry about finding a way back to Jason. What if they break my legs and leave me to agonize like that for weeks? I shudder. It is hard to walk around with broken toes. I mostly hobble my way around the house. But having my legs broken? I would rather take my chances and run away from here. Jason might beat me and whore me around, but at least he gives me drugs.

Ansel goes to the kitchen, leaving the door open and I can hear Rueben cursing me out through his door that I left open.

“I can’t believe you give more importance to that Diseased Cunt than to your blood-brother,” Rueben complains. “She fucking killed Camila!”

In the kitchen, cupboards are being opened and closed. “I know,” Ansel says. “I was by your side when we buried her.”

Rueben gets even more angry. “If you are so desperate to get your dick wet, go to the Blood Lodge. There are plenty of pornai to choose from.”

Ansel returns to the room with the first aid kit and a soda can. After putting the kit on the bed beside me, he pops open the soda and helps me drink from it since my hands are trembling. The sugar hits me almost immediately, helping with my dizziness.

“Why go to the Blood Lodge when we have Olivia?” Ansel finally replies.

“Have you seen what her cunt looks like?” Rueben questions Ansel. “There is no way you won’t end up with an STI. Or worse.”

Does he think I am poisonous? Maybe radioactive?

Ansel removes the towel from my arm. “You might need stitches. I will only clean your wound and put on a bandage for you. Does it hurt?”

“A little,” I say.

He puts Betadine on my cuts before bandaging my arm and putting bandaids on my fingers while talking to Rueben. “That’s why Maddox took some blood samples from Olivia.”

He did? I don’t remember him doing that. Maybe it happened when I was in and out of conscience.

“The results should be ready in a few days. The only thing we need to worry about is getting her pregnant.” In a low voice, he tells me, “Not that I would mind knocking you up. Several. Times,” and winks at me.

First Jasper. Now Ansel.

I have never encountered men who are so eager to get a woman pregnant. When Carlos trained me to be a sex slave he mentioned that when a woman gets pregnant, men lose all interest in her, believing her body is ruined.

I didn’t believe him, not in the beginning at least, but when married Dukes started visiting me and complimenting my body and telling me how tight my pussy was compared to their wives, I knew Carlos was right about men losing interest in their bondeds after they gave birth.

So why does Ansel seem happy when talking about getting me pregnant?

Knowing he will abandon me just like Jasper, I still tell him, “I can’t have children.”

Rueben probably hears me because my ears start to ring when he yells, “Good! The only thing that will come out of you is the spawn of the devil. Evil and twisted just like you!”

I feel like I am gut-punched so hard I can’t breathe. I jerk my gaze to the window and watch the snow falling.

Ansel goes to the door and there is an exchange between him and Rueben, but the ringing in my ears is so loud I can’t hear what they are saying. I try to focus on the pain inside of me as it feels like my heart is being shredded apart.

After closing the door and putting the first aid kit and soda can on the table, Ansel sits on the bed and pulls me into his lap. I bury my face in his chest as I try to gain my composure. “I got you,” he says as he strokes my hair. “I got you,” he repeats.

No one has my back. I am all alone. Ansel keeps talking, but I no longer hear him.

Rueben was right. I should have put that pistol to my temple and killed myself instead of Camila. Then I wouldn’t have to be here and suffer like this.

How much longer must I endure this hell I put myself into?

I don’t even remember how many times I’ve implored God to forgive me, but there is no redemption for me.

Ansel has me lay in bed and cuddles with me, his arm under my head, spooning me. My face is to the window and I watch the snow. Ansel whispers something into my ear but I still can’t hear him. My thoughts are miles away from here, in that orchard where, for a time, I had been the happiest girl alive. When did everything between him and me change? I never learned why he first started hating me. It wasn’t about me killing Camila. He became cold with me soon after Camila and I started learning more about hellstars. Even when I begged him to tell me what was wrong, he wouldn’t. Did he know what Camila and I were doing?

Snow keeps falling from the sky. The wind blows strongly.

It was snowing when Camila died.

When that boy with turquoise eyes broke whatever was left of me, it also snowed.

I was seventeen back then. Alone. Scared. And in so much pain.

I loved him with all my being and he abandoned me.

Soon after that, I was forced to take part in the gatherings at the Celestial Heaven and fuck Dukes and guests. If I made mistakes, I was punished in front of everyone. When Jason came to take me out of that hell hole, I cried out of relief, which upset him. I ended up with a black eye.

Ansel’s voice finally registers when he asks, “You always liked winter, right? Camila too, especially snowy days like this one.”

Camila and I shared so many interests and hobbies. We even dressed the same or matched our outfits. We liked the same flavors, movies, books, songs, colors. She was my twin flame. We had so many plans and things we wanted to do.

All that is gone now.

The hole in the fabric of my soul grows bigger, the pain turning my blood to ice, hundreds of hot iron rods touching my skin at the same time. I scream in agony but no one ever hears me.

I still hope to be reunited with Camila soon. Not having her in my life, not speaking to her…. There is no one I can trust with my secrets, to tell about things that have happened….

A door slams, probably from Rueben’s room. Whatever Ansel told him made him angry.

Instead of replying to what Ansel asked, I say, “A snowstorm is quickly approaching.”

Ansel looks out the window. “You think so?”

“Do you hear the roof creaking and cracking with the howling wind?”

“Yes,” Ansel replies.

“Roofs always sound like that when blizzards come.”

His free hand slips beneath my shirt, his fingers drawing circles on my skin. “I never noticed it.” His hand travels up until it reaches the underside of my tit, his thumb brushing against my nipple. “Maybe the cold will force Jason to back off.”

“He won’t leave without me.”

Ansel cups my tit. His hard erection pokes my ass. “Then I will have to kill him.” Tilting my head to the side so he can look at my face, he adds, “I have been a coward before but not anymore. My… demon wants you. So do I.”

Ansel’s words mean nothing. Just pretty lies. Many women fall for them, but I learned that sweet promises are only empty words to lure women into well crafted traps.

“I thought you wanted children. That is something I can’t give you.”

“There is always adoption,” Ansel points out. Grinding his cock against me, he growls in my ear, “If you weren’t hurt…” his hand moves from my tit to my bare pussy, “the things I would do to you.”

A finger slips between my folds and he licks the shell of my ear. I am still sore from the scorpion’s stings, but I am sure I can give Ansel what he wants. I turn around and, keeping my gaze on his lips, I ask, “How can I please you?” as I rub my palm up and down his erection.

Ansel groans. “God. That feels amazing.” He grabs the back of my neck and brings my face so close to him that our lips are touching. “I am dying to fuck your ass until it is red, gaping, and sore. Then I will do the same to your pussy.”

I should have known he likes anal. All men do. Even if I showered this morning, I say, “It will take me a few minutes to prepare myself.”

Ansel kisses me hard, his tongue exploring my mouth. I return the kiss as I start to retreat deep inside my head. It is easier to do with drugs but when Carlos began my training, I had to figure out how not to break the hard way. Men can harm my body and use it as they want, but as long as I have my mind, I am safe from them.

“Jasper will kill me if I fuck you while you are still recovering.” His lips trail down my skin, kissing and nipping along my jawline, his fingers unbuttoning my shirt. “I am not even talking about the cut on your arm or that you drank what was left of the tequila, but,” he peppers kisses on my neck, “I might play with your tits a bit,” and opens my shirt. Lifting his head, he studies me. I lower my gaze. “Look at me!” My eyes find his and he smiles. “You are still skinny and by the dark circles under your eyes, you need more rest, but you are so beautiful, Honey.”

“So are you.”

I said the same to many men before Ansel, but I don’t have to lie this time. Ansel is a handsome man.

He chuckles before he takes in the fading bruises, his eyes narrowing. “How are your ribs?”

“Healing.”

He puts his mouth on my tits, slowly kissing them. “I should have never kicked you,” he murmurs as his lips reach my broken ribs. “Hurting you….” His mouth finds mine. “It wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s alright. You are not the first one nor the last.”

“You said the same thing in the barn. Regardless of what happened in the forest, I am not anything like Carlos or Jason.”

Despite being beaten repeatedly for not being able to keep my mouth closed, I say, “You surely hate me as much as Tyson and Rueben do.”

Rolling a nipple between his fingers, he says, “As much as I loved Camila, I never hated you.”

“It doesn’t matter if you do. Everyone hates me anyway. Rueben wants me dead, not that I blame him. Tyson hates my very existence….”

It would take me forever to finish naming everyone who hates or wishes to see me dead.

Still rolling my nipple between his fingers, Ansel takes the other one in his mouth and sucks it hard. I close my eyes, bracing myself for pain. Ansel keeps sucking and licking, his tongue swirling around my nipple, his fingers grabbing my tit, squeezing it. Pain never reaches me, only an odd sensation running across my body.

Despite how rough he plays with my tits, he makes me feel… strange. Like I wouldn’t mind if he kept sucking and licking my nipples for a little longer.

He gently bites my nipple before doing the same to the other. The wind blows stronger, and I glance out the window, looking at how fast the snow is falling. Should I take my chances with the snowstorm and try to escape then? The cold will probably kill me before I find Jason. Spending my last moments free is more than I deserve.

Ansel stops what he is doing and looks at me. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

I blink several times, his question taking me by surprise. Then I realize I forgot to moan. “Yes,” I say quickly. “Don’t stop,” I try to invite him back but he buttons my shirt.

Will he punish me for not reciprocating? In the beginning, I used to pretend that I loved fucking pretty well, but most men sought me for a quick release or to make me cry or scream in pain, not to hear my fake moans, so I stopped bothering. Jason’s friends were turned on by my screams, but what does Ansel prefer? I need to learn fast about his and the others’ preferences. Especially since they are going to record me while they fuck me. It’s always easier when I give men what they want. They tend to hurt me less… sometimes.

“When you are better, we will finish what we started. I am hungry. Do you want to eat with me?”

He doesn’t want to continue? It’s not like I am complaining, but men usually don’t hold back once they have an erection. “I don’t want to bother you.”

Laughing, he says, “You never bother me.” Lifting me up in his arms, he adds, “In case you get dizzy again,” and takes me to the kitchen, where he puts me on a chair, then goes to the fridge and looks inside. Seconds later, he closes it. “I have to run to the main house to grab some ingredients. Stay right here!”

“I understand.” I sound so robotic, but there is nothing I can do about it unless I am high or drunk. Unless I forget about everything.

Before Ansel leaves, he brings me the soda can. “Finish that before I return.”

I nod, letting him know that I will and I take a sip. Ansel kisses the top of my head and goes out in the cold.

A minute later, the front door opens.

“You returned sooner than I—”

I stop speaking because it is not Ansel who enters the kitchen, but Roy, one of Jason’s friends. He has a gun in his hands.

“Get your ass up!” he barks at me, pointing at me.

I stand.

Rueben comes out of his room.

Roy turns his attention to the hallway.

My mouth turns dry.