12. Olivia

Olivia

I? had no other?choice.

T here is a hole, a bleeding hole in my chest, a gaping hole in the fabric of my soul and no matter how much time passes, it never heals. It will never heal. It keeps growing and stretching until one day, my suffering will end, and I will be reunited with that boy I love so much.

All my life, I stood on the edge of a precipice, and then I fell, and I kept falling and falling until I reached murky waters and drowned, and I keep drowning, but I never die, no matter how much I crave the peace that death promises.

Blood stains the bandage around my wrist, and it rushes through my veins; my heart is still beating, and my lungs still fill with air, but I feel nothing except the never-ending pain in my chest.

How long will I be forced to endure this hell called life?

If only I had been faster, I would not be here right now, but free.

I scream, but no one hears me.

I cry, but no one sees me.

I suffer, but no one notices.

I exist, and yet, I don’t.

I am here, and yet, I am not.

The angel with bright white wings has destroyed me, and a demon with wings black as the night came to my rescue, but it is too late for me. He sits with me in the dark, his eyes glowing red, his hands touching me, his lips whispering into my ear things only I know, his power forcing me to keep existing.

I don’t trust him, nor his power.

What will happen when he guesses my darkest secret?

Flashback 15 years old

It’s been a few months since he asked me for the first time to meet up with him in the orchard, and since then, we have been texting daily. We even made up a cipher of our own, not wanting to be discovered by Jason or my parents by accident, as they have a habit of checking my phone once every few days. Not only that, but I also delete the texts as soon as our conversation is over.

He cares for me. I can see it in his eyes every time I visit Camila and we hang out playing video games or making small talk. We decided not to tell anyone about our friendship because not only is he older than me and legally an adult, but he is also a Lord, and many won’t agree with us and whatever is happening between us. I suspect Camila will disapprove as well, not because she has something against me being with him, but because she knows how strict my parents are, and she would probably be worried if they were to find out. We are being careful, though. Besides, we are not hurting anyone by talking and trying to figure out where we see ourselves in the future, no matter if we will be together or not.

My phone buzzes with an incoming text, and I put the book I am reading next to me on the bed before I lean over to the nightstand. The message is from Turquoise—this is how I have his number saved in my phone—and my heart beats a little faster. I have him listed like that because of those beautiful eyes of his.

Him: “Reading porn again, Little Bunny?”

I straighten my back and look around the room before I reply to his text. “Did you hide cameras around my room?”

Him: I hacked into the one Jason installed a few months ago.

It doesn’t come as a surprise that Jason is spying on me. Ever since Camila visited me here for the first time, he has been asking me stuff about her almost nonstop. He knows she is a Lady, but I don’t understand why he is suddenly so obsessed with her when he has girls fawning over him at school just because it is expected of him to be a future Pathriact. “You should stop with the spying, it’s creepy as fuck.”

Him: “I just wanted to see you. Do you think we can meet today? Just the two of us in the orchard.”

I grin like a fool because it’s been a while since we last went to the orchard. “Give me half an hour, and I will be there.”

“I will wait for you at our spot.”

Luckily, my parents and Jason are not home since every Saturday they visit my grandparents, my father’s parents. They have a bison farm with lots of land where they can hunt as well. I am seldom invited since I get too emotional when animals are killed.

I change my comfy pajamas for a dress, and after I pass a brush through my hair a few times and check my makeup, I leave my room and go get my bike. I pedal fast, eager to see him.

It doesn’t take long for the orchard behind his house to come into view. The red and yellow colors of the leaves remind me that Summer is over. Soon, I will be sixteen, and I will finally be able to drive a car.

I lean the bike against the fence and slowly walk to where he is waiting for me.

When he comes into view, my pulse quickens. Despite wanting to believe I am more mature than most teens, I am just like them because I have fallen for my BFF’s big brother.

He sits on a rock and is smoking, his eyes fixed on me. “You will get cancer and die,” I tease him.

“And you will catch pneumonia and die.” I hoped he wouldn’t notice I am cold. He takes off his jacket and hands it over to me. I put it on, and it smells just like him. “Sit next to me.”

I do as he asks. We sit in silence as he takes a few drags of his cigarette, and I ask, “Have you been spying on me for a long time?”

The idea of him spying on me doesn’t sit well with me.

“A few times when I missed seeing your smile, but I always ended up seeing you frowning and reading porn books,” he chuckles before taking a long drag from his cigarette. “I am going to university on Monday.” My heart drops to my stomach because I know he will forget all about me when he meets girls his age. “The others have everything ready and are waiting for me to join them.” He is talking about his friends. The University he will be attending is a few states away.

“Oh,” is all I manage to say because what else can I do?

He finishes his cigarette and puts it out on the rock. Then pops a few caramels into his mouth. “Will you wait for me?”

I blink a few times, not sure if I heard him right. “You will meet new people at University and forget all about me.”

“If that’s what you think, you are mistaken, Little Rabbit.” He takes my hand into his, interlacing our fingers. “There is something about you, something so beautiful and pure that I want it only for myself.” He dips his head, his warm breath dancing on my skin. “I am jealous and possessive, and I will never share you with anyone else, ever! As soon as you turn eighteen, you will be my Lady. Only mine, Olly. I will never have blood-brothers. Mine and mine alone.”

Blood-brothers. He has explained to me what that means.

“Yes,” I breathe because I want to be only his wife.

His free hand comes to my hair, and he grabs my ponytail and brings my mouth close to his. “I love you, Olly,” he says before sealing my lips with his, and I give him not only my first kiss but my heart as well.

He tastes like tobacco and peppermint caramels.

He tastes like the first and the last kiss. Like true love and sunshine.

Crazy as it sounds, I will never love someone as much as I love him.

End of flashback

“Little Love, time for your medicine,” Jasper’s voice pulls me away from the orchard, dragging me all the way back to the present.

It’s been a few days since I tried to end myself, and since then, Jasper has barely left my side. Even if he is not in the room with me, I still hear him around the house, working. At least that’s what I think he is doing, as most of the time, I drift in and out of consciousness.

I barely have the energy necessary to keep my eyes open, but Jasper, despite being all muscles, is gentle with me. It confuses me to no end, as I don’t know what his endgame is. Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than what Tyson and Rueben did to me. I mean, what is next, death? But for some reason, Jasper wants me to live.

After I swallow the pills Jasper gives me, he kisses my brow before helping me lay back on the pillows. “Your fever is finally gone.” The shirt I am wearing has the top button undone, and he runs a finger along my collarbone. “The bruises are healing nicely.” Popping open a few more buttons until my breasts come into view, he palms the left one, his thumb circling my nipple. It still hurts, but not like the day after Tyson first tortured me. “The swelling is almost gone.”

I don’t understand why he pretends to care. “Tyson and Rueben will add new cuts and bruises soon.”

My body is a canvas, fists and boots are the brushes that cover my skin in black, purple, red, or yellow.

His cat, a little black ball of energy, jumps on the bed, gets on my stomach, curls up, and starts purring. I gently stroke her fur.

“No one will hurt you again,” Jasper says, and I don’t believe him. One day, he will hurt me as well. I am cursed to a life of suffering—my punishment for killing Camila. “I bought you, Olivia, you belong to me.”

I don’t want to contradict Jasper, but I am sure he is aware of the truth. “I belong to Jason. Malaky didn’t have the right to make me part of the hunt.”

“Who is Jason, your brother?”

I nod.

“What does he have to do with Malaky?” Jasper inquiries.

“I am not sure since Jason only tells me who I have to fuck. Malaky mentioned to me that Jason owed him money, and they settled for a night with me, but Malaky had other plans. After he sedated Jason, Malaky took me to the forest where you and your blood-brothers found me. It won’t take long before Jason comes here looking for me. He won’t stop until he gets me back.”

Talking so much makes me more tired, but I want Jasper to understand how dangerous Jason is. He might be a Lord and one of Rueben’s blood-brothers, but he is the only one who hasn’t tried to harm me. Yet.

I want to repay his kindness somehow.

“Unbelievable. Jason is your pimp.”

I shrug.

“He can come, but his bones will rot here forever. You are mine!” Jasper insists.

“Jason is my master,” I try to explain again.

Jasper’s eyes flash red. “I am your new master! Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Master,” I give him what he wants. He lets out a low rumble, making me think he likes to be called that. Soon, he will learn how fucked up Jason is. Between Jason and Jasper, I prefer the latter to be my Master.

Will he be a cruel master, like Jason and Carlos were, or will he be… less cruel? My experience in the Celestial Heaven has taught me that Masters are always cruel, the tears and pain of the sex slaves getting them off. What does Jasper get off on? Pain? Tears? Begging? Something else entirely?

“I am going to heat up the spaghetti and bring you a portion.”

“I am not hungry.” I never am. Before, because of the drugs, and now because my body feels too weak. I don’t crave anything, not even air.

Jasper narrows his eyes. “Did I ask if you are hungry?”

I shake my head.

“You need more meat on your bones. Besides, it’s my mama’s recipe, and I am sure you will love the meatballs.”

He goes to the kitchen and leaves the door to the room open. He is right in not trusting me because the first chance I get, I will—my eyes fall on my bandaged wrist—finish what I started.

The sound of the front door opening is followed by Mose’s voice. “Juniper broke free and tried to run to the highway. Before you ask, I caught her just in time, since I was returning from the restaurant, and she is back in the stable. I put a chain around her neck. Hope that will teach her not to run away again.”

Poor woman. They have her chained?

Jasper curses out loud. “I swear, she will be the end of me one day. I will have to hobble her later.”

Hobble her?

Mose chuckles, then in a more serious tone, he asks, “How is Olivia?”

My fingers are still stroking the cat’s fur—I think her name is Miss Teacup or some other silly-cute name—and pause for a moment.

“She is—” I don’t hear the rest of what Jasper says as he turns on the water.

My gaze goes to the window.

Jasper told me about the farm and how he and his blood-brothers love to work with abused animals, and yet they bring women here and abuse them. I haven’t tried to understand them because, frankly, I don’t care about them or their life, but horses, on the other hand, have always been my favorite animals.

My paternal grandparents have racehorses on their farm. On the rare occasions my parents took me to the ranch, I would sneak out to see the horses. I always got yelled at when I was found in the stable.

Jasper returns to the room carrying a tray. Mose follows him, a plate of food in his hands.

“You have to share this recipe with me,” Mose says as he shoves a meatball in his mouth.

“So you can add that spicy shit you put over everything to it and destroy my mama’s famous meatball spaghetti? I don’t think so.”

Jasper puts the tray on the nightstand and helps me lean on the pillows in a sitting position.

“It’s called gochujang.” Mose eats another meatball. “I bet this spaghetti would be a hit at the restaurant.”

Jasper takes the plate of food from the tray and turns the fork through the spaghetti, bringing it to my mouth. Mose raises his eyebrows when I obediently accept the food from Jasper. After what Tyson and Rueben did to me, I refused food or water, so Jasper had to force me to eat and drink.

“I will share the recipe only with family,” Jasper says.

“But I am family!” Mose points out.

I don't know why all the hype about the spaghetti. It tastes like nothing to me.

Jasper cleans some sauce from the corner of my mouth with his thumb and sucks it while looking at me. “You are like Uncle Roger, who couldn’t keep a secret even if his life depended on it.”

“I am not,” Mose snorts.

Jasper feeds me a meatball. “The moment you hear something ‘spicy’, you spill the beans with everyone.”

“That’s not true,” Mose denies it. “Well, not entirely true.”

Jasper rolls his eyes.

One meatball later, and I am full.

“No more,” I say when Jasper tries to give me more food.

“You barely ate,” he huffs.

“It’s more than I ate yesterday,” I try to convince him. When that doesn’t work, I try with, “I will drink the orange juice. All of it.”

“Fine,” he says and wolfs down the rest of the food in a matter of seconds before giving me a peck on the lips, taking me by surprise, as I haven’t been kissed in… years.

I resist the urge to touch my mouth or ask him why he kissed me.

Even Mose seems surprised.

“The sauce tastes sweeter on your lips,” Jasper winks before handing me the glass of juice.

Jasper is the strangest man I have ever met, and I have met many. I have yet to understand his motives for treating me well. Or why he keeps talking to me so much. I feel like I have said more words in the past few hours than in the last year.

“I will go start dinner for the others,” Mose says as he finishes his food. Looking at Jasper, he adds, “Rueben and Tyson are stubborn, and they won’t admit it, but we miss you. Ansel and I were wondering if we will still do the same shit for New Year’s as last year.”

Jasper stands. “You mean eating pizza, jerking off to porn, and drinking until we pass out? Nah, I will stay here with Olivia. Would you like that?” he asks me.

Knowing what answer he wants to hear, I reply, “Yes, Master,” when in reality, I couldn’t care less.

“Master?” Mose scoffs. “See you later then.”

Mose leaves, and when I finish the juice, Jasper takes the tray to the kitchen, helps me take a shower and brush my teeth and hair, before tucking me back in bed.

“I will go check on the horses real quick. I expect to find you here. Understood?” he asks. I don’t reply because I know what I will do the moment he leaves. “Let me make something clear to you: if I am your Master, you must obey everything I tell you. Right?”

The training sessions with Carlos come to my mind. I used to be so strong-willed before everything turned into a nightmare, but Carlos took his time and broke me more than I already was broken until it was cemented into my brain that I must do everything my Master tells me.

“Yes, Master.”

“You are to stay in bed until I return. Also, you can’t harm yourself. Ever. Fail to listen, and I will have to punish you.”

While I don’t like the order, I nod, letting him know I will obey, not wanting to be punished. “Good girl,” he murmurs before giving me another peck.

“Happy New Year,” Jasper wishes me before kissing me. He has been doing it a lot since yesterday when he kissed me for the first time. “Don’t forget to make a wish.”

I already know what I want. It is the same thing I’ve wanted since I lost that boy with turquoise eyes. I want to simply cease to exist.

We are sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching a series on the TV. Miss Teapot sits on Jasper’s lap, purring softly.

“Happy New Year,” I wish him back. Loud music and cheering come from the main house. “You should be with your blood-brothers.”

Jasper looks over at the window, the main house is visible from here. “I don’t want to leave you alone. My demon doesn’t like to be away from you.”

He doesn’t want to leave me alone because he knows that I haven’t changed my mind about ending myself. I wonder if he will stop caring once the sex videos they want to use to end my father’s political career are finally done. There are other ways to do that, but my words won’t matter to them, so I will keep quiet and take my family secrets to the grave with me.

“I have been alone since… Camila,” I say.

Jasper pulls my feet onto his lap, next to Miss Teapot, and removes my socks. “Why did you kill Camila?” he asks as he inspects my toes.

My blood chills in my veins, and I start to feel nauseated. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

I can still feel the weight of the handgun in my hand, my palm sweating, my finger trembling on the trigger, Camila’s face as the bullet hit her in the chest.

“From my understanding, you and she were like sisters. What went wrong?” Jasper keeps prodding.

“Accepting her as a friend when I knew Lords and Dukes can never be friends,” I say.

Like my ribs, my toes hurt all the time, but I don’t complain about it. Jasper checks the bandages. “That’s what you think, that Lords and Dukes can’t be friends?”

“Angels and demons will never get along.”

He puts back the socks, grabs the pack of ice from the table, and puts it on my feet. Mose said ice should help with the healing. “Angels and demons might be forced to work together soon.”

“I don’t think that will end well.”

“Why is that?” Jasper asks.

I shrug, but I say nothing else. Talking has always gotten me into trouble, that’s why now I prefer to be quiet and speak only when necessary.

Jasper doesn’t insist on me answering him, and we go back to watching TV while he feeds me some grapes.

Hours later, when he can barely keep his eyes open, Jasper turns off the TV, picks me up in his arms, and takes me to the bedroom. Miss Teapot follows us.

Once I am under the duvet, he takes off his clothes, only keeping his boxers on, and crawls in bed next to me. The cat curls at our feet.

Jasper is fast asleep, but I am wide awake, memories of Camila and me haunting me.

When I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, my heart throbbing painfully, I slowly get out of bed. Jasper hasn’t told me I can’t leave the room or the house, only that I can’t hurt myself.

My toes touch the floor, excruciating pain shooting through my feet and legs. I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other until I reach the front door. I crack it open and listen for any noise coming from the main house or any part of the farm. When I am sure the only thing I hear out there is the wind blowing, I step out on the snow, the cold whipping my bare thighs, and I keep walking until I reach the barn.

I’ve wanted to see the horses since I learned about them, but Jasper told me I was too sick to get out of the house. I also want to check on the woman Jasper keeps in the barn, as I fear Tyson and Rueben might have tortured her for trying to escape. Besides, I haven’t had a fever in more than a day, and I can breathe more easily.

I slip inside the barn.

It is dark inside, and I search for a switch, hoping there are some inside lights, as I’ve gotten used to Jasper always leaving a lamp or two on. It doesn’t take long to find what I am looking for, and a buttery light comes on.

The barn isn’t very big, with only six stalls, two of which are occupied with horses. One is a chestnut horse, while the other one is an appaloosa horse with black fur and white spots all over its back. It looks familiar to me like I have seen it before.

While I know better than to go into the stall of a horse that doesn’t know me, there is something about this horse that calls to me. I walk up to it and observe it for a few minutes. Initially, I thought the white spots were part of the color pattern, but they are marks of the abuse it endured.

Poor baby.

I enter the stall, and the horse gets nervous, its ears pricked forward, muscles tensed up, and breathing heavily. I reach out my hand, hoping the horse will see I mean no harm.

“Easy,” I say.

It stamps a front leg against the wooden floor, the white of its eyes showing.

Jasper said the horses on the farm have been abused, and while I know nothing about animals with trauma, I do know how it is to be abused.

“Easy,” I repeat, keeping my voice low, not wanting to frighten the poor animal even more.

I take a step closer, the horse getting more agitated.

“I know,” I whisper, “I know.”

The horse keeps watching as I get closer and closer until the tips of my fingers touch its nose. The horse pulls back its head, and I don’t move, waiting for it to decide if I am allowed to touch it again or not.

It feels like forever until the horse sniffs my hand, and sensing I have its permission, I pat its head a few times before leaning my forehead against it.

“I understand,” I whisper as I stroke the left side of its head.

The door lets out a squeaking sound as it opens, and I know I am in more shit than ever.

I get out of the stall and hobble my way to the entrance. It’s not one of the guys that greets me but an angry-looking rottweiler. The dog bares its teeth at me, growling low and menacingly before running toward me.

All I can do is wait since I can’t run.

My heart pounds fast.

Dogs can kill humans.

I have seen it before.

With a bit of luck, the dog will end me. I won’t even put up a fight.