20. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

Devon

Though he’s shirtless and has been in the water for a while, the scent that is just him is stronger than that of the chlorine.

I hate it.

I wish he smelled like pool water rather than the musky scent that I remember all too well as Tatum. It reminds me of nights we cuddled on the couch. Or when we’d sleep in our sleeping bags in the theatre so we could watch movies on the big screen. Or when we sat on the bus together heading to whatever field trip we were on in school. Tatum was always there. He was always so close.

His smell has been the same for as long as I can remember, and I hate how it brings me back to the times I was vulnerable with him. When I gave everything I had. Laid it all out on the table for him to take. And he took it. Of course he took it. Why wouldn’t he? He’s always been starved for attention, and it isn’t even his fault. I never blamed him for everything he needed. I was happy to give it to him because no one else needed a damn thing from me. I wanted him to need me .

His mother left when he was barely a day old. His father has never been around, and eventually he left him too. I’m not sure which would hurt worse. Having a parent who wouldn’t give you a chance or having one leave after they already know you.

Tatum has always thought he’s not worthy of love, not worthy of someone sticking around for. Though he’s never spoken those words out loud, and maybe doesn’t realize it himself, I know it’s what’s going on with him.

Even though I couldn’t put words to it when I was younger, I always knew he needed me in a way my brother didn’t. In a way my friends didn’t. He needed me in a way he didn’t need Dane. It took Tatum to stop talking to me, for me to mature, to realize why he’s like this. All the little things he did to keep me close suddenly made sense, but it made his leaving all the more confusing. Tatum had me. He had my whole heart. We had our life planned. We were together. He was mine; I was his. Why would he give that up when I gave him what he needed, no questions asked?

Was he not aware of it? All too aware of it? Was he scared? Afraid I’d leave him too? But I’m still here. After all the crap he’s put me through, I’m still here. Not in the way I wanted to be, but I am.

If Tatum were scared, he’d want nothing to do with me, right? Want to get as far away as possible? But he stuck around even when he made it seem like he didn’t want to be near me.

Maybe that’s what this is now. Maybe whatever he was angry about, he’s putting it aside. He’s allowing himself to be vulnerable. He’s allowing me to be here for him when no one else has been. It makes sense for him to run in the face of pain. He’s worried if he lets me too close that I’ll leave him too. Is this his way of fixing that? Of realizing the mistake he made, and now he’s trying to fix it? But what changed? Seeing me up on stage couldn’t have given him that sort of epiphany, could it?

Is Summer right? Does he still love me?

Nothing makes sense…

When Tatum ran from me, he didn’t run from my brother. They’re still friends. Still close. Isn’t he worried about Dane hurting him? Or does he keep him at arm’s length too? I don’t hang around them to know how their relationship is. I see small parts of it. But with Tatum always being around, basically living at our house, you’d think they were close. Maybe this is just the norm they settled into…

I just don’t know.

For now, I need to let things play out. It feels good to have someone hold me and touch me for a reason other than controlling me. Tate never controlled me before he broke up with me. He was the one who supported everything I wanted to do. Seeing that change in him hurt in so many ways because he was the only one I could truly be myself with. I’m not strong enough to fight him off when he’s being like this. I just have to remember this is temporary because I have plans to leave. Tate being nice isn’t a reason to stay.

I can’t remember the last time I got a hug from my father. He kisses my head when he’s leaving for a trip. Usually I’m half asleep. He travels a lot for work, and when he’s home, he’s working. I don’t see him much. Dane hugs me a lot. We’ve always been affectionate towards one another, but that’s how twins are. For us, it’s more of a habit. We do it because it’s what we’ve always done, not because it means something. Certainly not because it’s needed. You can always tell the difference in a hug. Feel the difference. You know when someone wants that hug versus when they need it.

Tate isn’t holding me now because he needs it, he’s doing it because he wants to. He’s comfortable, relaxed. It’s almost as if we’ve done this thousands of times, yet we haven’t. And that strikes me as odd. He’s hugging me because he wants to, meaning he is choosing to do this. He isn’t losing himself in me. He’s clearheaded. I sigh internally because it’s just one more thing that doesn’t make any damn sense.

It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him why he bought me. Why he spent so much money on me just to spend a weekend with me when I’ve been right in front of his face this whole time. All these years, I’ve been right here, and he chose to run. He could have gotten me back at any moment, so why now? Why when I have plans to leave, does he take me? Why, when it isn’t free, does he take me? The answers to those questions hurt… which is what his intention may be.

But I don’t want to ruin this because it feels good.

Being held by Tate feels better than anything else has in my entire life and I remember all too well why it was so easy to love him. And why I can’t remember the moment things changed between us. Because they never changed at all. It was always like this. I loved him from the very first day I saw him, and that’s why I didn’t notice when things flipped with us. Because it never did. It just grew into something better… until it turned sour.

Do I give in completely and allow us to have this weekend together, knowing things will go back to the way they were before? Or do I keep my walls up, knowing it’s going to hurt too much later?

Is there a third option? Maybe things don’t have to go back to the way they were after this weekend. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe he wants things to stay like this. He could be trying to fix us the only way he knows how to. I’ll only know if I ask, but I’m afraid of the answer. Afraid of ruining any good part of him that he’ll let me have this weekend.

So, I don’t ask. I’ll give this to myself to get it out of my system. I’ll do my best to fix things with Tatum before I leave. Knowing I tried my best is all I can do, and it’ll have to be enough to get past whatever all this is. Tatum and I aren’t meant to have our happily ever after like we once thought. We can’t go back to that… he’s caused too much damage. But I can pretend for a weekend. Get it out of my system before I go. Maybe even give him the one part of me I’ve saved for so long—my virginity.

Could be fate that put us together this weekend, letting me know it was always his to take. Or maybe it’s just some weird coincidence. Either way, I don’t trust Tate enough to think he’s changed for good, but that doesn’t matter because I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for me. For my conscience.

If he has an ulterior motive—fine. Because I do too. I’m putting all these feelings to rest. I’ll allow myself to give into him until Sunday at midnight, when he has to drop me off. Then it’s goodbye forever.

No, there is no third option for me and Tate. There isn’t even a second one. There never was. For us, there’s only one way this can end—and it’s with us going our separate ways.