9. Clarissa

9

CLARISSA

I knocked on the open door to Kyle's office. I was already nervous, but when he looked up at me and smiled with those beautiful blue eyes of his, the nerves in my stomach started flipping. It felt like I hadn't seen him for weeks, and honestly, I hadn't. The last time I spent with him was the weekend when I started to feel sick. After that, the internship suddenly was crazy busy, and then the next thing I knew, Steve and I were working on refining Kyle's drawings. We ended up working directly with more senior illustrators to take Kyle's concepts into workable, usable drawings. I had barely seen him at all.

"How are you, Clarissa?" he asked as if he were only my employer and there was nothing going on between us. Maybe there wasn't an us anymore.

I glanced over my shoulder before stepping into his office and walking up to his desk. "Are you mad at me?" I blurted out. "We haven't been together for a couple of weeks. You haven't taken me out to dinner. I barely see you."

"I wasn't planning on saying what I was thinking while we were at the office. We had a rule."

"There are questions I can't ask while I stand on this side of your desk in your office," I said.

I watched as realization crossed his face. He dropped his jaw and made an O shape.

"Right," he said, slowly and drawn out. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just very busy. This project has suddenly taken off. It's like an avalanche that we need to keep up with. You understand. My weekends have been taken over completely by this project. I've got a lot to prepare for, and I don't have time for distractions."

I had thought I was more than a distraction for him between big projects. Like a sad puppy, I tucked my proverbial tail between my legs. "Have a good weekend. I hope you get a lot done," I said.

I wasn't able to do much the rest of the day, my focus completely shot. I had completely misread his intentions. I pouted the rest of the day at work and the entire commute home.

I was still pouting and sitting in the dark when Marci came home.

She flicked on the light and jumped before she started giggling nervously. "What the hell are you doing here? Oh, sweetie, why are you sitting here in the dark?"

I slumped to the side, my head resting on the couch and my arms folded in front of me. "I am sitting on the couch in the dark wondering where I went wrong with my life."

Marci sat next to me and patted my hip like she was petting the sad puppy I was. "It's okay, we all go through it."

"You don't understand," I whined.

"I know heartbreak when I see it. I'm sorry," she said.

"How did you get so smart?" I asked as I sat up.

"Wisdom comes with heartache. I've been through more breakups than you have."

"How am I supposed to continue working with him?"

"Well, at least you know your new number-one rule."

I looked at her, waiting to be taught my new rules.

"Never date anyone from work, especially not your boss."

She was right. It was one thing to have a crush on him while I worked for him and something very different to have let him seduce me.

"How am I supposed to survive the next couple of weeks of seeing him every day, knowing that I'm not a priority to him, knowing that I was just something to do before he had something else to occupy his mind?"

"I thought you said you barely see him these days," she said.

She was right. I had barely seen Kyle over the past two weeks, and I no longer shadowed him. I was working with the drafting department. Okay, I could do this. I got to my feet and shuffled over to the tiny kitchen. I opened the fridge and pulled out an energy drink. It was one of the few things I felt like I could actually keep down these days. I had been feeling really woozy for a while.

"Since you're home this weekend, let's get pizza."

The thought of pizza made my stomach grumble, and not in a good ‘I'm hungry' way. I set my drink down on the counter, slapped my hand over my mouth, and ran for the bathroom. I didn't know what it was that I had eaten that had my stomach so upset, but this has been going on for a couple of weeks. I rinsed out my mouth and slapped cold water over my face before returning to our tiny living room.

"Are you okay?"

I slowly shook my head. "I've been really woozy lately, and the thought of pizza was too much."

"Oh, God, no." Marci stopped what she was doing, put her hands on her hips, and stared at me. "You're not pregnant, are you?"

"What makes you say that?" Ice cold panic covered my body.

"Well, are you? Have you been using protection?"

My jaw dropped as I tried to remember whether Kyle used condoms. "I think so."

"Oh, shit, Clarissa, you think so?" Marci's tone was laced with concern and judgment.

Oh, shit was right.

We ended up going for a pregnancy test at the drugstore before stopping for Greek food for dinner. I don't know why the thought of lamb smothered in cucumber yogurt sauce didn't make my stomach upset when the thought of cheese pizza made me want to puke. Marci was great and tried to talk about absolutely anything other than the fact that there was a pregnancy test sitting in the shopping bag. All I could focus on was the fact that there was a pregnancy test waiting for me to take it.

"Let's go to a movie tonight," she said.

"Now?" How had she forgotten that I still had to take that test?

"Yes, now. The semester starts in a couple of weeks, and as soon as classes begin, neither of us is going to have time for random movies. It's gonna be study, study, study. You've got your portfolio to develop, and I've got to work on my capstone classes. Senior year is gonna be a real bitch."

I just looked at her, unable to really think about anything. How could I worry about taking capstone classes and building my portfolio when there was a pregnancy test I needed to take and fail? I was terrified. I felt deep in my gut that I was going to pass it with flying colors.

"I don't know, Marci," I said. "I'm just so…"

"I know you're preoccupied. Why do you think I'm trying to take your mind off it? Come on, you can pee on that stick in the morning just as easily as you can tonight. I'll buy popcorn."

I gave in and we went to the movies. I spent the entire movie wondering if the characters up on the screen were as dumb as me. Did they use protection? Of course, they did. None of them were pregnant, or were they? The action and comedy on screen couldn't take my mind away from being preoccupied over the pregnancy test.

For Marci's sake, I pretended that I was paying attention. I pretended to eat a handful of popcorn when I could barely choke down one kernel at a time

Back in the apartment, I let Marci take the bathroom first and get ready for bed before I went in there. I stared at the instructions, knowing what they were telling me, but I still stared at them as if I could find out whether I was pregnant or not by reading them. I watched as the purple lines slowly showed up. Definitely purple lines, and they grew darker, two of them. There shouldn't have been two of them. I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to accept the truth.

"Are you okay in there?"

I didn't say anything.

"Clarissa, it's gonna be okay," Marci said softly through the door.

"No, it's not." I opened the door and continued to stand in front of the sink and stare down at the positive test.

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "We'll figure this out. You're not alone."

"What am I supposed to tell him? He has barely spoken to me. When I asked if I was gonna get to see him this weekend, he told me he was really busy."

I spent the rest of my weekend trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell Kyle he was going to be a father. I took long walks and I practiced my words. There had to be a better way to get the words that I needed without feeling like an idiot.

Monday came around, and I was so nervous. I couldn't have eaten even if my stomach was behaving and letting me keep anything down. I planned on immediately going to Kyle and getting this over with. Why drag it out? Why torture myself? But as soon as I got to the office, Alayna had me and Steve leave with her to an offsite facility that would take Kyle's drawings and build models.

Every time I went to go see Kyle, Alayna had another project for me to work on and managed to send me in a different direction so that I didn't see him. I knew he had a busy week, that he had meetings with his client. But I also wanted to let him know what was going on.

I hated the fact that when I finally did manage to get to his office on Friday, he was already gone for the day.

I didn't bother to try to find him the following week. It was the last week of the internship. I had to see him. I went to his office. The door was locked and the lights were off.

"Can I help you with something?" Alayna asked.

"I was looking for Kyle," I said.

"Well, he's not here."

"I noticed. Do you know when he's getting back? I wanted to tell him something."

"He flew to Hong Kong."

"Hong Kong?" I could barely fathom what she was saying.

"Didn't he mention that to you? I guess he was too busy. What did you want to tell him? Maybe I could pass it along for you?"

"I wanted to thank him for the internship," I said, trying to think of something to say that wasn't blurting out the way I'd let him knock me up. "I wanted to tell him personally. Do you know when he'll be back?"

"He's not planning on coming back for a while. He bought a one-way ticket."