19. Clarissa

19

CLARISSA

I can't believe I agreed to go out for coffee with Kyle. Nerves in my stomach rioted in an entirely too familiar way. It would be so easy to slip back into our old habits. He was funny and charming, and I spent entirely too much time giggling.

"You really did well in the meeting today," he said.

It had felt good when James had said that, but when Kyle said it… somehow, it meant more. I tried and failed at not blushing. I knew this couldn't be anything more than colleagues wrapping up the end of a long work week. I reminded myself that this was all this was allowed to be. But I was too wound up, too nervous. Relief flooded my body when the alarm on my phone went off.

"I've got to go," I announced as I scrambled to pull my things together.

"Are you sure?" He placed his hand over the top of mine. "Stay a little bit longer."

"I really can't. I had a nice time," I admitted.

"Have dinner with me this weekend," he demanded.

I cast my gaze to the side. I bit my lip and looked anywhere but at him. "Maybe."

I should've said no. But part of me wanted to have a nice adult conversation that didn't involve work, and part of me just wanted to see Kyle again. "I'll see if I can figure something out," I said. "I'll text you tomorrow?"

As much as I was going to be late picking up Leo, it felt like I was running away from Kyle. I didn't wanna run away from Kyle, and that was problematic.

I knew it was.

"How's my big boy?" I asked as soon as I walked into the daycare.

"Mommy!" Leo already had his jacket on, and his bag was packed and waiting by the door. I knew it was because I was almost too late.

Miss Franny looked at her wall clock and then at me. "You just barely made it."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I got stuck at work." A drink with my boss counted as work, right?

I helped Leo with his backpack and held his hand as he walked next to me.

"We're having spaghetti for dinner," I told him as we walked home.

"Spaghetti is my favorite food!" Leo exclaimed.

I was glad to hear he still liked it. That was one of the reasons we had it practically every Friday. He would eat it.

If I had said we were having chicken nuggets, he would've said chicken nuggets were his favorite food. With Leo, something was either his favorite or he hated it and it was gross. He didn't seem to be a fussy eater, but I still tried to work within his preferences. It was one less thing I had to stress about. And I wasn't exactly heartbroken to not have to fight him over eating broccoli when he was just as happy to eat a bowl full of salad.

Once home, we settled in for our Friday night routine. I made spaghetti. I wasn't a fancy cook, and I used sauce out of a jar. It was good, filling, and cheap. After dinner, Leo played in the tub, and I got almost as wet as he did. He put his pajamas on, and then we cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.

Friday night movies meant we were going to watch mutant turtles, talking shape shifting robots, or dinosaurs breaking out of their enclosures. We rarely watched anything else. They were Leo's comfort movies after a week at school. Tonight, he wanted robots.

He curled up against me, and while the robots on TV turned into airplanes and plotted to save the planet, I was on my phone texting Marci.

Can you babysit???? I needed all of the question marks. This was a very important question.

What's up?

Dinner with Kyle .

She responded with a series of emojis that ranged from exploding heads to smiley faces with hearts for eyes, followed by several eggplants and several peaches. I didn't know if I could take her less than subtle innuendo. I didn't even know if this was a date. I didn't plan on sleeping with the man.

I doubt it , I replied.

She wrote back, I have condoms. I'll bring them over. What time?

I guess that meant I was available for dinner with Kyle.

Completely oblivious to the turmoil I was going through, Leo fell asleep about halfway through the movie. I was a bad mother because it was at least thirty minutes before I realized that he was asleep. I was so preoccupied with texting Marci and setting up a time to meet Kyle that I hadn't even noticed. Leo was comfortable and I wasn't bothering him, so I let him sleep as I continued to plan for my dinner out.

Where is he taking you? Marci asked.

I don't know'

You need to so you know how to dress. She had a point.

I'll just dress normally , I responded.

No, you will not!!!!!!! The extra exclamation points only emphasized her intensity.

You're going on a date with the father of your son, who you haven't seen in years .

I don't know if it's a date.

It's a date! she responded.

As I was reading Marci's message, another text message popped up. I'm glad to hear you're available. Should I pick you up or do you wanna meet at the restaurant?

My stomach flipped when I saw Kyle's message.

I thought I was still responding to Marci when I typed and sent, I don't think it's a date.

Only to have Kyle respond with, I don't plan on talking business with you. Yes, it's a date.

I dropped my phone on my lap and covered my eyes, wanting to die of embarrassment. After a long moment to regain my composure, I very carefully typed out to Kyle. Thank you for clarifying. This is a date. I will meet you at the restaurant. Will seven thirty be good?

Then I switched to the message thread with Marci . OMG, he just said yes it's a date. I sent a message meant for you to him.

Dying, yay .

The next afternoon, Marci sat on my bed with Leo while I paraded around in another outfit.

I put together a basic black, understated outfit. I was trying to look somewhat classy and not like somebody who was tired and worn out.

"You can't wear that," Marci said.

"Why not? It's a classic, basic black."

"Oh, sweetie, black makes you look washed out and really brings out the bags under your eyes. It makes you look tired."

"I am tired," I confessed.

"You should take a nap," Leo said from where he played in the middle of the bed among all the discarded clothes I had already pulled out of my closet. He was right, I needed a nap. But I had needed a nap for the past six years. I didn't have any time to catch up on sleep now.

Marci started going through the pile on my bed. She held up a blouse I hadn't even bothered to try on. "How about this yellow blouse and a pair of jeans?"

"I can't wear that on a date," I said.

"What's the date?" Leo asked.

My insides clenched. I didn't want him to know about Kyle. And it wasn't as if I had gone on any dates since the last time I had been with him.

"A date is a number on a calendar," Marci said.

Leo seemed to accept that as an answer.

"Kids are so easy at this age." She giggled.

"The yellow is nice, but isn't that too summery?"

"Just because it's fall doesn't mean you can't wear something bright and like sunshine." She held it up against my chest. "You look rested with this color."

She pulled the blouse away, leaving me in the black one. She did this a few times. "You can keep the skirt, just go put this one on."

I finished getting dressed in the bathroom.

"Don't forget to curl your hair!" she called out through the bathroom door.

I took the time to flat iron and curl my hair, something I hadn't done for years. By the time I stepped out of the bathroom, I felt like I looked pretty.

"What do you think?" I twirled back and forth in the middle of the living room.

"Mommy, you look like a girl," Leo said. The way he said it made me think that maybe he didn't think girls were a good thing.

"I am a girl," I said. "So I guess it's a good thing I look like one."

Marci scrambled off the couch and grabbed her purse. "Wait, I have something for you."

She pulled a blue box from her purse and slid it into my bag.

I closed my eyes and tried not to blush as she slipped me the condoms.

"Have fun, stay out late!" She pushed me out the door.

I was so nervous, I thought I might be sick. But all of my nerves evaporated when I arrived at the restaurant. Kyle was waiting for me, and when he saw me, his entire expression changed. I forgot everything I had been stressing over and felt a sense of belonging.

"You look beautiful," he said, stepping up and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I placed my hand over the spot, holding it for a moment.

We followed the hostess to our table. Unlike the brightly lit, family friendly Italian place we had dinner at a few weeks earlier, this place was dimly lit, with tables tucked into dark, secluded alcoves. This place was dangerous. After a glass of wine, I was feeling dangerous as well.