13. Clarissa

13

CLARISSA

P anic flooded my system. I couldn't believe I was staring at Kyle Love. Damn, he looked good. His eyes were the same beautiful clear blue. I couldn't forget them, even if I wanted to. He looked a little older, more rugged. His hair was a little longer, and there was creasing next to his eyes. It suited him.

He was even more handsome than the man I had fallen in love with so many years ago. It took every ounce of self-restraint I clutched onto to not burst into tears and become hysterical. I couldn't react the way my gut wanted me to react.

I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to laugh. I had to fight the urge to throw things at him while at the same time, I needed to launch myself over the desk and into his arms and pepper his face with kisses. I wanted to forgive him for having abandoned me.

How was it possible to have so many emotions all at once? I wanted to strangle him for not even telling me he was leaving the country. I was nothing more than confused emotions and anger and joy all wrapped up in a skin suit.

I bit down every single conflicting emotion that fought to take hold and smiled at the man.

"You're Kyle Love and you're here to see James," I managed to say.

He smiled, the little lines crinkling at his eyes. His brows drew together ever so slightly. I could tell he was trying to remember my name. That was a blow to my already fragile sanity that barely hung by a thread.

I needed to get rid of Kyle, and get rid of him fast, so that I could lock myself in the bathroom and hyperventilate or maybe throw up. Fortunately, James unknowingly rescued me.

In his excitement to meet and discuss selling the business to Kyle, James was by my desk before I could press the intercom. If a sixty-five-year-old man could look like an excited puppy, it was James. They introduced themselves and shook hands and went off to the conference room. I was spared the indignity of having to walk next to Kyle Love and pretend that I was okay with it.

I left my desk and went to the office manager's office.

"Hey, Jenna," I said. "I need to step out. Can you watch the front?"

"Of course. Are you getting coffee?"

"I might." I didn't know what I was going to do. I just needed to leave.

"Will you bring me something back?" She didn't need to give me her order. I knew exactly what she wanted. She ordered the same thing every time, a large, iced mocha double-pump vanilla.

Of course, I didn't think walking down the block to the coffee shop was going to be enough to ease the boiling in my mind and my gut. Kyle Love walked into my job, and he didn't recognize me.

I focused on that for a few moments too many. He didn't recognize me.

Maybe it was just as well. I could go about my life. He could go about his. And I never would have to tell him about Leo. That was a conversation I didn't know whether I could have. It had been hard enough to try to tell him when I first found out I was pregnant. And even though that conversation never occurred, I still fought through the stress and the tears to prepare myself to tell him. How was I supposed to tell him now, all this time later?

As if on autopilot, I found myself walking into the coffee shop and ordering. My stomach still wanted to twist in on itself by the time I got back to the office with Jenna's coffee and another one for myself.

"Are they going to want lunch?" I asked Jenna before crossing from her office to look in the conference room through the large glass wall.

James and Kyle were intently discussing something. They both had those little smiles on their faces. I remembered that expression on Kyle's face when he became manic about an idea. James always had a similar expression when he got really into a project. He didn't display the same level of obsessive intensity that Kyle did. Seeing them together like that, it was obvious they were definitely excited about what they were discussing.

"I should go ahead and just order them lunch," I said, returning to Jenna's office.

"That's not a bad idea," she said. "I know what James would get, but I haven't a clue what the other guy would eat," she admitted.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I'll give his assistant a call and find out." I didn't need to call Alayna to find out what Kyle wanted. He was a classic club sandwich guy. He always commented something whenever sandwiches had been brought in. I stopped and shook my head. Funny how I remembered what he liked to eat, and weird that I just assumed Alayna would still be working for him.

"While I'm at it, do you want me to order you anything?" I asked.

"I would kill for a turkey with avocado," Jenna said.

"I can do that."

"Are you gonna order something for yourself?"

I shrugged. "I'm tempted to order everybody lunch."

If James was in a good mood, he'd pay for everyone's food. And from the look I saw on his face, it was a safe bet that he was in a good mood. I headed into the back to get Phillip's and Michelle's orders. If I was gonna order delivery for two, I might as well order delivery for six.

I spent the rest of my day anticipating having to talk to Kyle again. Just the thought of having to say ‘Goodbye' or ‘Have a nice day' was eating me up inside. How was I going to face him on a daily basis if he's the one who took over?

I was almost through with my master's program, and I was going to have to start my final internship soon. It had simply been too long and drawn out of a process to finish my education that my time in Kyle's office all those years ago barely counted anymore.

I had options. I didn't have to keep working for the Stone Group. I could get another job in Chicago, at least through graduation, and then I could leave if I wanted to.

It wasn't as if there weren't other architectural firms. Just because Kyle Love was back in Chicago, that didn't mean that our paths had to cross again. After all, Chicago was a pretty big city. It was huge, and if he could leave the country to work, there was no reason I couldn't leave the state.

There were other places in this country that I could go. I had always thought about moving to the Pacific Northwest, Portland or Seattle. They always looked like fun, interesting places. Or maybe I'd even go south to Atlanta. There were places I would be able to get a job. I didn't have to stay here. I didn't have to stay where Kyle Love was, especially if he didn't remember me.

I needed to calm down. This was just an introductory meeting. It wasn't as if he were actually gonna buy out James Stone.

My stomach and my nerves were a mess the rest of the day. They didn't settle down until after Kyle actually had recognized me and he left the office. That had been minutes of torture. I might have hated it that he hadn't recognized me, but having to pretend to be nice to his face after he figured out who I was… it sucked.

I wasn't sure how I felt about it, either. Didn't it just prove that I hadn't been important to him? After all, he managed to leave me without even saying goodbye. And when he came back, he didn't recognize me right away.

I had accepted what the reality was a long time ago. Kyle Love changed everything about my life. He would always be more important to me and have a greater impact on me than he would ever know. It didn't matter that he could walk back into my life, smile the way he smiled, and my toes would curl. None of that mattered because he made it very clear that I was not a priority to him.

I remembered everything I had tried to forget over the past six years. And I remembered all of the little moments since that were so important to me, that I thought should have been so important to him. And that he would never know about what he had missed. There was no way I would tell Kyle now about his son. I couldn't for my own sanity, and not for Leo's. I had to keep my little boy safe.

I left work early. The train didn't go fast enough, and I practically ran all the way to the school to pick Leo up. He was happy to see me, but maybe not as happy as I was to see him. I hugged him tight until he squirmed.

"You're squishing me," he complained.

"I missed you today," I said. I rubbed my face against his dark hair, mostly so he wouldn't see that I had tears in my eyes. "What do you want for dinner tonight?" I asked.

I decided I would buy him whatever he wanted. Leo didn't need to know anything about his father. Or that I was feeling guilty over the entire situation, and that a special dinner was my silent way of saying I was sorry for this whole mess.