CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

The hem of the velvety robe swished around my slippered feet as I paced the bedroom. Holland hadn't returned by late evening, and I kept telling myself that I didn't need to be worried about that. Kolis was the type to purposely delay agreeing to meet with us just to convince himself he had the upper hand. I was nervous about how things would go down, but it wasn't the only thing that eventually drove me from the bedchamber.

Ash had left after dinner to check in with Theon. I'd felt him return a bit ago, but he hadn't come back to our rooms.

I was worried about him.

Learning that your mother's soul wasn't completely destroyed was good news—happy news—but it was also a lot to take in. To process. And he'd been quiet ever since Holland left.

I willed my heart to slow as I went down the staircase. It had been pounding on and off all evening, and I didn't think that was good for the babes.

As I neared the second floor, I decided to check in on Lailah really quick. Aios had awakened this afternoon and immediately wanted to go to Kithreia to inspect its current state, but it wasn't safe for her to do so yet. Phanos's ships had moved toward Dalos , but that was still too close, and our forces wouldn't have arrived yet. Instead, she had left for Sirta, and despite knowing that Bele would keep her safe while she was in a vulnerable state, I hadn't wanted her to go. Bele's Court was also at risk if Phanos went after her .

Our armies were rapidly thinning as we attempted to protect the Courts. Which meant we would have a battle on our hands if Kolis brought Phanos's armies to the Bonelands , along with those who'd fled to Dalos —which he most likely would. We could lose more people.

No wonder my heart kept racing.

Exhaling roughly, I walked the second-floor hall, picking up on Attes's presence. I stopped for a moment and then forged on. Quietly, I cracked open the door.

Lailah rested on the bed, her mass of tight braids lying on a chest that rose and fell steadily. My gaze shifted to the Primal sitting at her side.

Attes sat with his feet resting on the edge of the bed, slumped a little in the armchair, sandy-brown waves tumbling over his forehead and cheeks. He looked asleep. I started to close the door.

"You're not going to say hello?" Attes said without looking up, the tone of his voice flatter than it had been when I saw him earlier.

I stopped. "I thought you were sleeping."

"Nah." Attes lifted his head then. His scar stood out starkly against his paler-than-normal skin. "I'm just meditating. Never tried it before. Thought now was as good a time as ever."

I arched a brow. "How's that working out for you?"

"Not particularly well." One side of his lips curved up. There was no hint of a dimple. The grin was empty. "The whiskey I tried to take from your husband's office would've probably helped, but instead, I was lectured by a Primal significantly younger than me that the last thing I needed was to drink myself into a stupor."

I probably wouldn't have stopped Attes , but then again, I had a history of not making the greatest life choices. "Have you slept at all?"

He shifted in the chair, draping an arm over the back. "Yeah."

I had a feeling he was lying. "Have you eaten? Fed?"

A soft laugh rumbled from him. "I'm fine, Sera."

"No, you're not," I said, and his gaze finally met mine. "I don't expect you to be. No one would."

He stared at me for a long moment. "You sound like Nyktos ."

"If he said something like that, he was speaking the truth." I leaned against the doorframe. "I'm sorry, Attes ."

Thick lashes lowered. "So am I."

Neither of us said anything for several moments. We both just watched Lailah, which I doubted she would be too happy to discover if she woke up. It was Attes who ended the silence.

"It's not like I didn't know what he had become." There was a roughness to his voice now, and as much as hearing that made my chest ache, it was better than the flatness. "Or that I held on to any hope that he could be saved. I accepted he couldn't. Knew the Kyn I grew up with and loved was long gone. But you know what I saw in the seconds before I…before I ended him?"

"What?" I whispered.

"I saw the Kyn who sat beside me after my children were killed. Who was there for me when I felt like my world had been destroyed." His head tipped back, and his gaze went to the ceiling. "That's the Kyn I keep seeing."

"Maybe…maybe that's the Kyn you should remember and mourn," I said.

"But is that right? Considering everything he's done?"

"He was still your brother, and you still had good times with him." I lifted a shoulder, searching for something that felt like the right thing to say. "How he turned out doesn't erase who he once was."

Now, it was Attes who raised a brow as he looked at me. "You really believe the shit you're saying?"

"Well, not for me. I only knew him as the asshole he was," I admitted, and a wry grin tugged at his lips. "But regarding you and what you know? Yeah, I believe it."

Attes seemed to consider that, then nodded. "I guess I should be thankful for his attack. Because of him, we now have enough Ancient bones."

Ash, Nektas , Aurelia, and apparently Attes , had raided Kyn's palace last night with success. "We do."

"I'm guessing your Fate hasn't returned yet?"

"No." I straightened, feeling the ball of anxiety growing.

" Phanos will try to talk Kolis out of it. So will Varus," Attes said, referencing the once-entombed god I had yet to see. A muscle ticked in his jaw. "But Kolis won't listen to them. He will agree. Sotoria is his weakness. He'll risk anything while ignoring common sense and every red flag to get her."

"That's what we're counting on." I thought of something as my gaze moved from him to Lailah. "If Sotoria chooses to be reborn, will you still go into stasis?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation. "I have to, Sera. If I don't, I wouldn't be in a good headspace to even be around her. If she retains her memories, I wouldn't be the Attes she remembers. And that's…" He sighed heavily. "That's the last thing she'd need. And if she chooses to be reborn, I want her life to be happy. To be good. She deserves that."

"But you love her," I whispered.

Attes nodded. "And that is why I will be in stasis."

Heart twisting, I drew in a breath that stung. To give up the possibility of being with someone just to make sure there was no chance you would disappoint or cause them harm? And he would be giving up that opportunity. I doubted a mortal's lifespan was enough time in stasis for it to be of any real help. That was true love.

My gaze shifted back to the sleeping Primal goddess. "Do you love Lailah?"

Attes was quiet for so long, I didn't think he'd answer. When he did, he did so with a question. "Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?"

I thought about it. "I think it depends on the person. Not everyone would be able to, but some could. And probably do."

His gaze flickered to mine before returning to Lailah. "I agree with that."

That wasn't an answer.

But it also was.

Saying goodnight, I closed the door. As I started down the hall, I wished I could've said something to help Attes with his grief, but I knew there really wasn't anything I could say that would heal those deep wounds. They were like mine. Only time would mend them, I supposed. At least, I hoped.

My heart was even heavier, those emotions mixing with the agitation as my pace quickened in my search for Ash, my slippers whispering over the stone. I could've just waited for him to return to our chambers. Or, at the very least, put on something other than a robe since I wore nothing but a thin nightgown underneath. But I wanted to make sure he was okay, and, well, I was feeling rather…needy.

I hoped he was alone. I wanted some time with him before we barreled forward with our plans. A few moments where I could be Sera and not a Queen. Or the Primal of Life. Or even a fighter. Where we weren't on the verge of coming face-to-face with Kolis. I wanted time where I didn't have to be strong.

Luckily, the foyer was empty. I let my instincts guide me past the hall leading to his office and to the guarded doors of the throne room. What was he doing in there? The guards bowed as they opened the door for me.

"Thank you," I said, stepping into the dimly lit space.

Only a few of the candles on the walls burned, and it was too overcast for much starlight to come in through the open ceiling, but I immediately saw Ash. He stood on the dais near the thrones. A flutter erupted in my chest, easing the heaviness there as his gaze locked with mine.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked, starting toward him.

"Thinking," he said, crossing his arms. "Has Lailah awakened yet?"

"No." I passed the empty benches. "But I imagine she will soon."

His gaze tracked my approach with a predatory glint that brought a flush to my skin.

"I saw Attes ," I told him. "Since he wasn't allowed to have whiskey, he's with her."

Ash snorted. "If he had the whiskey, the only difference would be that he'd be drunk off his ass while in her chambers."

I climbed the steps. "Probably."

"It will do him some good," he said after a moment. "Being near her, that is."

I raised a brow, thinking that was the first time he didn't have something caustic to say about Attes's interest in Lailah. "Hopefully Theon feels the same."

A half-grin pulled at his lips. "I think he will, just this once."

"So, what were you thinking about?" I asked as he opened his arms to me. I stepped into his embrace, resting my hands on his dark-gray tunic. The moment one of his arms came around me, the racing of my heart slowed, and that anxious knot of energy loosened. The effect he had on me was nothing short of magical.

He buried his hand in the hair above my braid. "Our children."

My brows flew up. I had thought he'd say something about his mother. "I wasn't expecting that answer."

Another grin appeared, but this one was almost… shy . "I wasn't really expecting to be thinking about that myself. It didn't start off that way. When I wandered in here, I was thinking about my mother and how she is now with my father. I still can't believe it."

"It's hard to believe," I said, rubbing his chest.

"I didn't know the Fates could do something like that." He gave a short laugh. "Obviously, I forgot how powerful they are."

If he only knew…

"Learning about your mom is a lot to process," I told him.

"It is," he said. "Don't get me wrong. I'm so godsdamn relieved. It's just that I spent my entire life believing she was really gone, and that I wouldn't even get to see her when I finally entered Arcadia. It's like having to rework my brain. It will take a while."

His gaze moved around the empty space. "And while I was in here, I started to think about how I never got to witness both of them in here. See them sit on the thrones. I only saw my father."

I quieted, waiting for him to continue.

"When I was old enough, I was allowed to watch any meetings he had with other gods or people who came from Lethe," he said after a couple of moments. "As we waited for those meetings to begin, I would crawl all over the benches. Run from one to the other. Crawl under them. Only the Fates know why. Ehthawn was younger then, too. Not as young as Reaver, but small enough that he could easily move through the room with me."

Gods, my heart squeezed as I pictured Ash as a little boy, playing with a draken . And it wasn't hard to imagine it because I had a feeling our sons would be the spitting image of him as a child.

Our sons?

Look at me, thinking as if I knew for sure they would be boys. But I kind of felt like I did know for sure. I grinned as I pressed my cheek to his chest.

"Anyway, I got to thinking about our children and how they will one day be doing the same thing. Maybe in this throne room or perhaps wherever we decide to stay when this is over," he said, and my breath caught. "Except there will be two of them, and Jadis and Reaver to chase after them. And…" His voice thickened with emotion, drawing my gaze to his. His eyes shone brightly. "And there will be us. We will be sitting in those thrones, watching them."

Oh, gods, I didn't know what to say to that. What he had been thinking about was so unexpected, so perfect, that emotion swelled fiercely.

"Ash," I whispered, my fingers curling into his stiff tunic.

He smiled, a small upward tilt of his lips. "I love what I feel from you right now." His hand swept down my back. "It is… everything ."

" You are everything." I rose onto my tiptoes, shuddering as his cool breath fanned across my cheek.

The touch of his mouth against mine had the same reaction it always did. As our lips met, the realms condensed to just us. There was no one else. No other expectations or duties. No looming battles where one mistake could cause us to lose it all. It would always be like that, and that was a fact I would never be uncertain of.

One hand slipped under my braid to curl around the nape of my neck. He tilted my head, deepening the kiss. A crescendo of need quickly swelled between us as his other hand traced the curve of my spine, charting a path over the velvet of my robe. It ignited a fire as he pressed his hand against my lower back, drawing me closer and leaving no room between our bodies. I could feel him, hard and insistent against my belly, a pressure that sent a cascade of desire pooling at my core.

A certain type of madness urged me on. We were nowhere near anywhere private. Anyone could walk in on us. A draken could fly over and get an eyeful. But I was breathless with desire—with want—for him and only him.

I guided him backward until the backs of his legs met the throne. He sat without protest, looking up at me with heavy-lidded eyes and parted lips. Holding his gaze, I positioned myself atop him, straddling the man who was and would always be my entire world.

The coolness of the stone beneath my bare knees caused my breath to catch as our lips came together once more. It was as fierce as the hold he had on my heart and soul. He kissed me with a hunger that mirrored my own, sipping from my lips as his fingers made quick work of the buttons on my robe. The sides parted, and then, I felt his cold fingers through the thin silk of my nightgown. I moaned into his mouth, and before I could even take another breath, the bodice of the nightgown gave way beneath his touch, tugged down to bare me to his gaze. A shiver ran through me as the cooler air of the room met my heated flesh.

"Beautiful," he murmured roughly, cupping my breasts in his hands. He dragged a thumb over one rosy peek, groaning as the nipple puckered. "These are so fucking beautiful."

Ash lowered his head, taking the nipple into his mouth. His fangs scraped my skin, and the sensation was sharp, a wicked sting that spiraled throughout my entire body. His tongue swirled, drawing a gasp from my lips, the sound lost in the vastness of the throne room. He drew the sensitive flesh into his mouth, and my hips jerked, rubbing at the hard ridge of him.

With my heart racing, my hands moved to the flap of his breeches. I wasn't nearly as nimble as him, and what he was doing with his fingers as he took my other breast into his mouth didn't help. Still, I managed to free him.

His mouth left my breast, and his head fell back. My fingers brushed the cool hardness, tracing the line of his desire before I closed my hand around him.

His hips punched up, and his hands slipped beneath the robe and gown to close around mine. "I need in you," he rasped. "Now."

Dropping my forehead to his, I guided his cock with an urgency that bordered on desperation. The feeling of his cool tip against my heated dampness nearly undid both of us.

He pulled me down hard as he thrust up. The moment he entered me, I cried out, a riot of raw sensations pounding through me.

Neither of us moved for several seconds, our breaths coming in short, shallow pants. I felt him trembling, the same need building in me. I began to rock slowly, wanting to savor the small bite of pain as I stretched to accommodate every thick inch. The fullness was addictive.

Ash's lips danced across my collarbone, each kiss igniting trails of fire on my skin as his grip tightened even more on my hips, fingers digging in with a possessiveness that sent tingles racing all over my skin. We moved in sync on the throne, thrusting and grinding, our mouths coming together.

The throne room echoed with the sounds of our breaths mingling in the charged air. I rode him, clutching at his shoulder with one hand, the fingers of my other tugging on his silken strands. Every rise and fall of my hips drew me closer to the precipice. One of his hands slid to my ass, his fingers pressing into the softness there with an intensity that matched the mounting pressure within me. The other slipped free of the robe to find my braid. He gripped it hard, tugging my head back so he could see me.

Heat spiraled, coiling tighter, an invisible force pulling at the very core of my being. The striking lines of Ash's face were etched with concentration. His eyes were locked on mine, witnessing the moment my body tensed. And then, with his name a cry on my lips that filled the vastness of the chamber, pleasure shattered me. It was a starburst, radiating out from the place we were joined, sending shockwaves through every nerve ending.

I shuddered, waves of ecstasy rolling over me as his release swiftly followed. His hold on me became a vise, holding me still as he found his escape. Ash's head tipped back against the throne, a low groan reverberating off the cold stone walls, filling the room with the echoes of his pleasure.

As the last tremors of our passion ebbed, I collapsed against him. We remained entwined upon the throne as our breathing and hearts slowed.

"I don't think I will ever think of this throne the same way again," he said.

I laughed against his neck. "Me, neither."

His hand smoothed over the braid. "I assume all of that was a pretty good indicator that you liked what I was thinking about?"

"That would be a safe assumption."

Ash's chuckle brought a wide smile to my lips. I loved that sound.

Tugging on the braid, he guided me back so there was some space between our bodies. "Are you nervous about facing Kolis?"

"I'm surprised you haven't sensed my anxiety."

"You must be getting better at shielding," he said. "I guess that's a yes?"

I nodded, biting my lip. His cool fingers grazed my breasts.

One side of his lips curled up as he tugged the nightgown's bodice into place. "It's okay to be nervous."

"I know."

His gaze met mine when he pulled the two halves of the robe together. "And scared."

"I'm not scared. I mean, I'm not scared of seeing Kolis. I don't fear him anymore," I said, holding still as he buttoned the robe. "I fear losing people we care about. I…I fear failing."

"I wish I could promise that we won't lose anyone else, but I can't." Eather pierced his eyes. "I can promise we will not fail. We will trap and entomb that bastard. We will give Sotoria her choice. We will ensure that Iliseeum and the mortal realm are taken care of." Dipping his head, he pressed a kiss to my temple. "And we will have a near eternity of moments like this. You and me. Our children chasing each other around the throne room. We will get to watch them grow and find love. We will become grandparents, and then we will watch them grow." He cupped my cheek. "All the while, Kolis will be where we put him, and he will stay there."

I fought back tears. "That sounds…beautiful and perfect."

"It will be a beautiful and perfect reality, liessa ."

But would it be a reality?

My heart skipped, but I shut those thoughts down and tipped forward, kissing Ash. We would make this our reality.

We had to.