CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

Releasing my death grip on the porcelain sides of the toilet, I rocked back.

By some miracle, I'd made it—barely—to the bathing chamber before what felt like everything I'd eaten at breakfast made a reappearance.

Thankfully, Attes and Ash were at the Black Bay, speaking with Lailah. Ash hadn't wanted to leave my side since…well, since everything. But as soon as we'd finished speaking with Attes , my stomach had started churning. I was supposed to be downstairs with Rhain, but right now, my thoughts were on whatever the hell was going on with my body.

I'd felt fine one moment and not the very next second. Was it a lingering consequence of my fight with Kolis? Or did it have more to do with all the mental and emotional stuff? The grief? Like what I'd finally shared with Ash and the promise I'd made him make? Trauma did weird things to the body. Or was it seeing the raw emotion Attes struggled to control when speaking of both Sotoria and his brother?

Honestly, I didn't think it was any of those things. Or even my anxiety. I had been nauseous off and on since I Ascended, but I was past the point where I should be feeling any lasting effects.

Come to think of it, I had been nauseous while in Dalos . Granted, there was a realm of reasons to explain that, but…

Muscles in my sides aching and my throat stinging, I rose and went to the vanity. I rinsed my mouth and splashed cool water on my face. My temples throbbed, likely from the retching. It had been quite…vigorous. I winced, really regretting the extra helping of spiced sausage. Another wave of nausea swelled. Squeezing my eyes shut, I gripped the edges of the vanity. Skin clammy and stomach in knots, I focused on breathing through my nose until the sensation passed. I still didn't move for several minutes, half-afraid I would find myself on my knees once again. Though I wasn't sure what was left inside me at this point.

I pried my fingers from the vanity and stepped back gingerly. My reflection stared back at me. The bruises on my neck were faint, a gross bluish-green shade, but they were still there.

Shouldn't they have completely healed by now? The answer was yes, and I knew I wasn't the only one thinking that. I'd caught Ash staring at my throat several times this morning, his jaw clenched and ticking.

Pressing a palm to my unsettled stomach, I shuffled into the bedchamber and made a beeline for the bed. I lay down on my back and closed my eyes. Hopefully, whatever this was would pass in a few minutes. We had things to do today.

A war to start and end.

And our first move was summoning the Primals .

I swallowed, grateful the sour bitterness was gone and the pounding in my temples had begun to ease.

Gods, I felt like a mess.

A gross, tired mess.

Why was I still so damn tired? I had fallen back to sleep, and we'd slept in. Despite all that had led up to it, it had been a deep, restful sleep…

The corners of my lips turned down. The fatigue wasn't anything new. Before the attack on Lasania , I had been really tired in the evenings, and I'd slept deep and long. Even with the nightmares, that was something new for me. In the past, I'd rarely reach a level of sleep deep enough to dream. And if I did, I didn't remember them.

That sensation came again. Like I was forgetting something. But this time, I didn't. It had to do with dreams. Or a dream. Like the one I'd had while in stasis. The one where I'd been in my lake, and there had been a large feline on the bank, her coat the color of moonlight. She had been me. My nota . And she hadn't been alone, had she? She hadn't. In the shadows of the Dark Elms, there had been movement.

Two smaller…cubs.

I jerked upright so fast my stomach cramped. I started to stand, but the connection between my brain and limbs appeared to be severed as my thoughts raced, landing on one question.

When had I menstruated last?

I started to think back, week after week, before losing the ability to count joined my inability to move. All I knew was that it had been weeks. Like a lot of weeks. Enough that more than a month had passed. Enough for the on-again-off-again nausea to make sense—

Oh, gods.

"No," I stated, my voice hoarse but loud. "I'm freaking out for no reason."

And I was, because what I was thinking couldn't be possible. For the very shaky timeline to add up—for me to even feel some of the telltale signs of a…pregnancy—it would mean that I conceived weeks ago. A month. Maybe even two. Perhaps even the first time Ash and I had sex. But that didn't make sense. A child could not be born of a Primal and a mortal—

But had I ever really been mortal?

"Oh, fuck," I whispered.

That was a damn good question because when exactly had those embers of life truly become a part of me, changing what I was on such a fundamental level that they couldn't be removed? The night I'd recklessly bitten Ash's thumb and tasted that tiny drop of blood? The very same night we'd first had sex? My heart started pounding. If that one drop of blood had irrevocably changed the biology of my body, making me a little bit more Primal than mortal, could that also mean that a child could be created?

Wait.

I'd seen more than one.

I'd seen two.

Twins.

I thought of the prophecy. A first daughter… And a second daughter. But that didn't sound like twins—

"But I saw cubs ," I said out loud. "Cute, little, fluffy cave cats. I didn't see two toddlers frolicking in the fucking weeds. I'm not…"

My throat tightened, and my legs suddenly worked again. Shooting to my feet, I raced into the bathing chamber. Not to vomit. My stomach was settled. Mostly. I went to the mirror and yanked up the bottom of my tunic. I held the royal blue material beneath my breasts and stared at my lower abdomen. My head cocked to the side.

It looked the same. Soft. Concave at the naval and then slightly rounded. I turned sideways, seeing nothing—

"What am I doing?" I asked, a shrill giggle parting my lips. Would I even see a difference in my body at this point?

I didn't know a whole lot about pregnancy, but I'd been around enough pregnant maids at Wayfair. The answer was no. I wouldn't. My fingers tightened around the soft material. But could I really be far enough along that I would…what had Odetta called it when we'd happened upon the young, rosy-cheeked Emmeline, one of the chambermaids in the hall, clasping a bucket as she heaved?

" Pay her no mind ," Odetta had warbled, urging me along when I stopped. " She's just having a bit of the morning qualms ."

I hadn't any idea what that meant. I couldn't have been more than ten or so at the time. Curious child that I was, I'd asked. Odetta had said that she was with child, and as sure as the sun rose each morning in Lasania , roughly seven or so months later, she had given birth.

Emmeline hadn't looked pregnant, but she had also been of a willowy frame. However, there had been others with body types similar to mine who hadn't appeared as if they were with child for many months. So, that meant nothing.

Which wasn't exactly a relief because, in this situation, nothing could mean everything.

I couldn't be pregnant. Not after everything I'd gone through in Dalos . Not after being struck with eather , and the Fates only knew how many arrows. Not after the fight with Kolis. He'd broken bones. He'd tossed me around like I was that doll Jadis played with.

Not after what I'd done.

I stared down at my stomach, remembering how nearly every part of my body had been bruised…except for my lower abdomen, almost as if that part of me had been shielded. That sounded ridiculous.

"I can't be." I jerked my head to my reflection.

I didn't really see myself. I saw those cubs . I saw them as clearly as I had during stasis, except they changed in my mind now, becoming two mahogany-haired little boys with golden-bronze skin, one silver-eyed and the other…with eyes of silvery-gold—

What in the fuck?

I sucked in a shallow breath that went nowhere. Why in all the realms was I seeing little boys ? It was official. I was losing my mind. Either way, I needed to know if I was…if I was pregnant, and I needed to know now. Right this fucking second. Or I would definitely go insane, and Ash would have to put me into stasis. But how could I find out? In Lasania , there were people, usually older women in Croft's Cross, to whom many went. Even the nobility. But I wasn't exactly sure how they could tell anyone anything. Then again, many went there for the teas that ensured there wouldn't be a fruitful union, too. Regardless, there was no way I was going to shadowstep my ass into Lasania .

I didn't think I could ever return there.

My mind raced. Those women people sought, wasn't it said they worshipped at Temples of the Primal Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Fertility ? There was no way I would ask Maia, but could Aios somehow—?

"Sera?"

I was so caught up in my panic, I didn't feel Ash's approach. I squeaked, dropping my tunic and whirling toward the entrance.

A second later, he filled the doorway. His dark, reddish-brown hair—his mahogany-hued hair—was swept back in a knot at the nape of his neck. Several strands were loose and tousled, though.

"Are you all right?" he asked, concern filling his voice. "I felt your…panic."

"Uh…"

His gaze swept over me as if he were checking for injuries. The only one he'd find was to my brain. "It was so thick it nearly choked me," he continued.

I could only stare at him.

He walked in, eyeing the tub and then the space around us. "What happened?"

"Nothing." Clasping my hands together, I turned as he brushed past me, checking behind the short wall where the privy was. "No one is in here."

He faced me. "Then what caused you to feel this?"

"Why is your hair so messy?" I asked instead, willing my heart to slow.

"I was on the Rise near the Black Bay." He paused. "As you know."

I did know that.

Godsdamnit .

His eyes narrowed. "What's going on, Sera?"

A laugh crawled its way up my throat. One I knew would sound crazed if I allowed it any sort of freedom. I clamped my mouth shut.

"I'm starting to become worried." Ash crossed the distance between us, cupping my cheek. His forehead creased. "Why is your face damp and cold?"

"I just washed it." I forced my voice to be light, knowing I needed to calm down. There was no way I was telling him what I was thinking, causing him to—oh, gods, how would he even react? He'd likely be as panicked as me.

Maybe he'd vomit, too. I would if I were him.

" Liessa ?" His thumb swept across my cheek. "I hoped we were beyond this."

"We are."

"Then talk to me."

Fuck . Shit . Damn .

None of that was helping. "I don't know why you felt that," I blurted out, thoughts racing. "I might have had a nightmare."

His brows shot up. "A nightmare?"

I nodded. I didn't want to lie, not after finally opening my dumb mouth and talking, but I also didn't want to say anything until I knew. And especially not right before I summoned the freaking Primals to basically tell them to join us or die.

What in the fuck kind of bad timing was this?

"Do you often have them while awake?" Ash asked.

"Not normally." Realizing that had been the stupidest excuse, I quickly added, "But I dozed off pretty quickly after you and Attes left. And before you ask, no, I don't know what I was dreaming about, but I do have a distinctive feeling I was having a nightmare."

His brow furrowed. A moment passed, and then another.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Are you okay?"

"I was," he stated, lowering his hand.

I started to ask what he meant, but then it occurred to me that he likely believed I'd had a nightmare about Kolis and that I was keeping it from him. Again.

Shit. Damn. Fuuuck .

"It wasn't that," I assured him. "I wasn't having a nightmare about Kolis." My hands curled at my sides. "I swear, Ash. I'm fine, and I'm sorry I worried you."

"You don't have to apologize." He exhaled heavily. Some of the tension eased from his jaw.

"And you don't have to worry." I turned, making my way from the bathing chamber. "Did you speak to Lailah?"

He followed me. "Yes. She is a little shocked but on board."

"Good." I smoothed my hands down my thighs. I needed to pull it together. Even though it didn't feel like it at the moment, what we needed to discuss with the others was far more important. "Is it almost time?"

Ash eyed me closely and then nodded. "I need to change my shirt."

I glanced down at myself and figured I'd do the same. It took Ash two seconds to pull a dark gray tunic from a hanger. My gaze fell on the clothing hanging there, and for some reason, I reached for a black gown with silver ivy stitched along the waist and sides. I stared at it for a moment and then tugged it free. I didn't even know why. I'd blame the shocking possible revelation. Or maybe it was because, deep down, I didn't hate gowns.

I just hated being told to wear one.

"Can you help me?" I asked Ash.

He'd already donned the tunic, ready in less than a minute. It took me a little longer. Not because I had to undress and then shimmy my ass into the brocade gown—thank the gods it wasn't skintight where I had to fight my possibly growing sto —

Nope.

Not thinking about that.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Ash's calloused fingers lingered on the skin of my back as he clasped the row of hooks, sending tight shivers cascading down my spine. That was why it took longer. That and his insistence on being the one to secure the bone dagger beneath the skirt. His hands really lingered on the clasp of the thigh sheath he had replaced for me, causing my skin to flush and heat to pool low in my core.

Ash looked up at me through thick lashes as he fixed the gown. Then, he rose. "You look so beautiful."

"Thank you," I whispered. He ran a finger over the silver ivy encircling the waist of the gown that climbed the valley between my breasts.

"I really need to thank Erlina for her expert hand," he murmured, tracing the stitching that spread across the top of the bodice.

My skin tingled through the gown, and I looked up at him. "If you keep doing that, we will have to delay summoning the Primals ."

A wolfish grin appeared as he ducked his head and kissed me so deeply that if I'd feared at all that his passion for me was diminished by everything that had happened and what I had shared with him, I had no doubts now.

But those doubts were gone anyway.

"Later," he promised, taking my hand.

We walked to the main floor, and I suspected that Ash had chosen to go this way to give me time instead of shadowstepping , just as he had before my public speech.

And I used every second of that to file the possibility of me being pregnant in the farthest recesses of my mind, tucking it in along with the thoughts of what I had done to the mortal realm. I had to do that so I could do this. If not, there was a good chance I would start running through the halls screaming.

Several guards lined the foyer—a new sight. They bowed their heads as we passed.

"Rhain is waiting for us in the crown room. He thinks you should definitely wear it now," Ash said, and I glanced at that damn empty pedestal. "Once you're ready, we'll summon the Primals ."

I nodded, tightening my grip on his hand. There were guards everywhere I looked, even in the narrow hall that led to the chamber connected to the war room.

Rhain stood inside, between the empty pedestal that should've held Ash's crown and mine. When he saw me, his brows nearly climbed into his hair.

"You didn't have to change," he said, drawing a curious look from Ash.

"I know," I said. "I wanted to."

He swallowed, glancing at Ash. "You both look like the King and Queen you are."

Ash's hand slipped free of mine as he went to the crown and lifted it, the suns and diamonds glinting in the sunlight. He carefully placed it on my head and smiled as he lowered his hands.

I reached up, touching one of the spires. "I will never get over the fact that it doesn't weigh as much as it looks."

"Heavy is the head that wears the wrong crown," Ash said, smoothing a curl under the headpiece. "You now look even more beautiful."

"The most beautiful Queen who has ever lived," Kars said, entering the room with Saion and Rhahar .

Ash's gaze slid to the godling, and a low rumble of warning radiated from him.

I smacked his chest, and Kars fought a grin. "Thank you," I said, taking a deep breath and refusing to allow my thoughts to wander.

The door to the war room opened, revealing Nektas .

Ash took my hand, leading us to the interior door where the draken waited. As the others followed, my gaze swept over the numerous weapons lining the walls of the war room and the wooden table with far too many nicks and grooves in it to count as we entered.

Usually, I would love this space and all its stabby things, but this was the place where Ash had first learned of my betrayal. It was in the past and no longer mattered, but I still hated the room.

I looked over my shoulder at Nektas as we passed the oval table. "You're staying in this form?" I'd expected him to shift.

"I'm scarier in this form," he said.

Now that he'd mentioned it, he really was.

"Remember how to summon the Primals ?" Ash asked, and I nodded. " Attes is here. You will not need to think of him."

"I know." Closing my eyes, I cleared my racing thoughts and first focused on Keella . Eather swelled inside. The sensation was strange, almost like a cord had formed and stretched across the realm. I could almost see it in my mind, and it reminded me of when Kolis had come out of stasis. I knew the moment I reached the Primal goddess, and as Ash had instructed before, I projected my summons to the throne room.

A moment later, I felt the throb of a Primal.

"That's my Queen," Ash murmured, his thumb stroking my side as I repeated it for Maia and then Penellaphe .

I felt them arrive and focused on Phanos . The appearance of another Primal throbbed through me. My breath caught a little, but I wasn't done.

I took another deep breath and closed my eyes once more. I felt the moment my compulsion reached the two Primals .

I compelled Veses and Kyn to appear before me.