Chapter 1

"A FLESHLIGHT? Are you serious, Landric?" I shout as I step out of Milo and Charlee's guest bathroom. "You have a fucking FLESHLIGHT sitting out in your guest shower?"

"What are you doing peeking in their shower, Miller?" Dex challenges from the dining room table where the rest of the group is seated for game night. Looks of surprise and snorts of laughter fill the room as I gesture inside the bathroom trying my best to rein in my own humored shock to no avail.

"Dude, the shower curtain was wide open when I went in there and Milo's got his fleshlight standing tall on the shower shelf like it's a statue on a goddamn living room mantle!"

Rory pulls an Uno card from the ones in her hand and places it on the discard pile. "Who keeps a flashlight in the shower?" She glances with a narrowed eye at a blushing tight-lipped Charlee. "Does Milo shower in the dark?"

Tatum leans over and whispers to her, "Not a flashlight, Ror. A fleshlight."

Rory's brows pinch. "What's a—"

Hawken clears his throat, covering his mouth to hide his smirk as he performs a quick hand gesture for Rory.

She finally catches on and nearly chokes on a laugh. "Oooh. Fleshlight…"

Colby shakes his head. "Poor Milo. Not even in the room to defend himself."

"Where'd he go?" I ask.

Charlee squeaks. "Changing Amelia's diaper."

Still horrified and amused I take my seat at the table next to Charlee. "My poor eyes. He could've fuckin' warned a man before leaving something like that around."

"Why? You want to give it a whirl, Zeke?" Dex laughs.

"Shut up, Asshole." I turn to Charlee. "What the hell does he even need that for? Do you not let the poor guy in or what?"

She bursts out a laugh, shaking her head as she plays a yellow SKIP card. "What can I say? That last trimester was a bitch so I bought it to keep him occupied while my baby factory was working overtime." She stands from her seat. "Plus, he showers in there when he gets home late at night and I'm already asleep, though I wasn't aware he had it on display. Sorry Zeke. I'll go get it. Oh, and you're skipped by the way."

"I got it, Goldilocks." Milo comes down the hall with a tiny bundle of joy clothed in pink footed pajamas on his shoulder, his large hand practically palming her entire body. "Don't get up." Charlee watches him lovingly as he holds their precious little girl against his body.

"It's perfectly normal for guys to have toys too." Kinsley pulls a yellow six from her hand and the play continues around the table. "Guys aren't exempt from having a little pleasured fun once in a while."

Charlee smirks. "Why do you think none of the other guys at this table have said a thing about Milo's fleshlight?"

Tatum snickers. "Because they all have their own fleshlights just like that one in their own homes." She bumps Dex's shoulder with her own. "Dexter included."

"Oooh!" Kinsley sits back in her seat, glancing at Carissa, Charlee, and Tatum. "Did you three—"

"Yep." Carissa pops her P as she tosses a blue six onto the discard pile.

My brows furrow as I look around the table making the realization myself. "Wait. Hold up. You guys all got your own toys?" I gesture to the ladies. "From them?"

Colby and Dex try to hide their embarrassment much to Milo's amusement.

"We went shopping together and bought them at the same time," Carissa explains, playing a blue nine when it's her turn. "Sex is great and all, but when you're the size of a whale and your ankles are swollen larger than your forearms…"

"And all you want to do is sleep," Tatum adds, tossing a WILD card onto the pile. "Green."

Charlee adds, "Yeah. And you horny lot have a good game and need to fuck the energy and adrenaline away so you can sleep at night when you get home…"

Kinsley's jaw drops and she turns to Quinton. "So that's the secret! Sounds like I need to go shopping!"

"Wait." Quinton's eyes grow and his cheeks pinken. "What's that supposed to mean? You trying to tell me you don't like when I—"

"Uht, duht, duht, duht, duht." Kinsley silences Quinton with a finger against his lips. "Let's stop you right there because yes I always love it but good Lord you guys are horny as hell at two in the morning and my body does not need to be bending that way between the hours of about midnight and six A.M."

Everyone at the table laughs, including me, though deep down I know I'm not nearly as happy for my friends as I am jealous. The guys all found their happy-ever-afters. They're all with the women of their dreams, and deservedly so, but me? I'm the loser whose wife left him—unexpectedly leaving me to raise Elsie on my own.

I should've been first. It should be me living a happy life. I was with Lori before Colby ever met Carissa. Before Charlee knocked on Milo's door several years ago. We were happy and starting our own family, but she was gone before our Key West trip that year. She was gone by the time Dex found Tatum. She was gone before Hawken and Rory finally fell in love. She was gone before Kinsley and Quinton got together. Now, instead of being a happily married man and world's best father I'm the guy who skips the hang outs at Pringle's after our home games so I can say good night to my kid who hasn't seen me in two or three days. I'm the guy who's waking up at the ass crack of dawn to get everything ready for the day before dropping Elsie off with my parents for God knows how long. I'm the guy who has to take his daughter to her grandparents several nights a week in order to do my job because there's no mom at home to help me.

I'm the guy who wonders if I'll ever get to be genuinely happy the way the rest of these guys are now. The one who wishes he had time to even consider meeting another woman let alone fall in love with her.

"Listen, I'm just going to say this once and then I promise I'll shut up and stop being a Debbie Downer. But you guys all have it incredibly lucky. You have each other to come home to. You have each other to help out with parenting woes." The play finally gets back around the table to me so I play a card and hold up the only other one in my hand. "Uno. Just…I don't know…" I shake my head. "When things get tough, and I promise they'll get tough, remember how blessed you all are. Talk to each other. Yell it out if you have to, though not in front of the kids, of course. Do whatever you have to do to keep the spark alive and remember why you love each other, because it"s no fun when the spark snuffs out and you're alone."

Silence falls over the table.

"Uh…Miller?" Hawken cringes.

"Yeah?"

"You alright over there? You haven't said something that deep since…uh…"

"Ever." Quinton finishes Hawken's statement.

"Yeah." Hawk nods. "What he said."

Slouching in my chair, I look around the table at everyone's pitying and concerned faces. "Yeah. Sorry guys. I promise I'm fine. I really am."

"You know you're allowed to not be fine, right?" Colby throws a Draw Four card onto the pile and calls out, "Red."

"It's not that I'm not fine. I am. Truly. Elsie is fine. She's a happy kid who doesn't know any different than the life she has, but…" I sigh. "I'm not going to lie. It sucks having to take her to my parents all the time. It's like they're raising her and I'm the fun uncle that shows up from time to time. I love my parents. I do. And I very much appreciate that they've stepped up and been willing and able to help out, but let's be honest here, they should be enjoying retirement. They should be enjoying being the grandparents that get to come over and spoil their granddaughter from time to time. Not the ones putting her in time out or making sure she eats a balanced meal several times a day. That's my job."

"But you can't always be there." Charlee shrugs. "It's the nature of the career. Everybody knows that. Certainly, all of us. Nobody blames you at all for the way you parent your kid, Zeke. You're doing the absolute best you can. We love Elsie to pieces."

"Am I though? Am I really doing what's best for her? She barely lives in her own home for Pete's sake. How is that good for her? And she starts preschool. Someone has to be available to pick her up mid-day."

"What do you want to do?" Colby asks me. "What does the perfect life with Elsie look like to you right now?"

I scoff lightly. "I'm not sure the perfect life can exist for us right now. To her, the perfect life is one where both of her parents are around every moment of every day. I mean this summer has been magical because I've been home with her more often than not. We've spent so much time together these last couple of months, but the regular season is about to get into full swing and that means we're back to several days and nights a week away from each other. I just want to be able to come home at the end of the day and be a dad, you know?"

"And maybe date again?"

"Hmph." I roll my eyes. "That'll be the day. With our schedule? Who's going to want to date me when I can't commit to anything for a good nine to ten months out of the year?"

"There are good women out there, Zeke," Rory states. "Women who understand the business and would support it. I mean look at all of us."

"Is there a list out there or something?" I tease. "A list of promising hockey wives and girlfriends? That might make things a hell of a lot easier."

Rory smiles. "That's an innovative idea. I'll have to do some internet research."

"What about a nanny?" Carissa suggests. "Someone who could help with Elsie in your home so when your workday is done, you don't have to spend time traveling to the opposite side of town to pick her up only to bring her home and put her to bed and do it all again the next day? If you had someone at the house with her, you could be home in fifteen minutes and have more time to spend with her."

"I've thought about a nanny." I nod. "But you're talking like, a full-time live-in kind of deal?"

She shrugs. "Yeah."

"And that isn't weird? Asking some random person to pick up their lives and move into my house?"

"It's not like you don't have the space," Quinton reminds me. "You have more than enough bedrooms in your house. The nanny would have plenty of space so it's not like you would be on top of each other all the time."

"I mean…unless he wants to be on top of her," Dex jokes. Hawken shakes his head at the absurdity of Dex, but he laughs just the same.

I roll my eyes. "Dude, that's gross. I'm not going to fuck the goddamn nanny."

"You say that now," he smirks, "but have you met the nanny yet? I mean, maybe she'll be hot. You could add that as a requirement." He gestures up in the air as he calls out his headline. "Full time nanny for hire. Hot as fuck is a must."

"Fuck you, Dexter." I finally laugh. "I can only imagine the kind of people that would be lined up for that interview."

"Right? It's genius if you ask me. And they'd all be lucky as hell. Man or woman, cause you're a catch, Zeke." He winks.

"Thanks, I think."

"Think about it." Carissa smiles. "If you want some help coming up with a job posting or a list of responsibilities, we're happy to help any way we can. You deserve to be happy just as much as the rest of us."

"Yeah. Thanks." I nod. "I'll definitely give it some thought."

A full-time live-in nanny. I gave some thought to the idea of a part-time nanny as a glorified babysitter before, but never the idea of having someone in my home full-time. That could take some getting used to.

But if it's in Elsie's best interest…

There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

She's my world.

___

"Missessss…" Dex looks down at the resume in front of him. "Fahrtinga? Did I pronounce that right?" He makes a guttural noise with his mouth trying not to laugh out loud at this poor woman's name. As annoyed as I might be at Dex's immaturity, I'd be lying if I said I was taking any part of this interview seriously. I should've just said thanks but no thanks, but Tatum and Carissa thought her resume looked good and that I should overlook the odd last name.

Seriously though, am I really going to live with a woman whose last name is Fahrtinga?

Please let someone else's interview be better than this.

For the love of God.

"Yes, that's correct." The stout older woman nods with a stern scowl.

I give her a polite smile and shake her hand, taking notice of her firm, confident handshake. "Thanks for coming in today, Mrs. Fahrtinga. It's lovely to meet you. Please allow me to introduce you to a few of my colleagues." I gesture down the table. "This is Dex Foster, Milo Landric, and Colby Nelson. They, like me, have children so they know the rigors of the job and what might be needed for my daughter, Elsie, so I asked them to help me out with the interview process."

"Fair enough," she answers.

I spend a few minutes explaining what I'm looking for from a full-time nanny and then give the guys a few moments to ask questions so that I can sit, listen, and watch. More than anything I really want to get a good feel of who these potential hires are and what their personalities might be like when they're around my kid all day.

"Mrs. Fahrtinga," Colby starts. "Do you have children of your own?"

"Four grown children, yes." She nods without as much as a smile. "Two of my daughters work at the Color Me Happy salon on the southeast side of town. And one of my sons works for the sanitation department."

That's three…she said four.

"And the fourth child?"

Her face remains neutral as she answers curtly. "Incarcerated."

Jesus.

What the hell for?

Drug possession?

Theft?

Murder?

Rather than ask further questions about it, Colby continues on. "And what was your parenting style as they were growing up? Did you have strict schedules for them to follow or were they free to do a lot of whatever they wanted?"

But more importantly, why the hell is your son in jail?

Mrs. Fahrtinga opens her mouth to answer Colby but I interrupt her because my gut won't let me not ask. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Fahrtinga. I don't mean to interrupt with such a personal question but would you be comfortable telling us why your son is incarcerated?"

She rolls her eyes slightly and I can't tell if she's annoyed with me for asking or her son for getting himself into trouble.

"They accused him of taking part in a child pornography ring online."

"Oookay." I stand with force almost knocking over my chair and step to the door. "Thank you for coming in Mrs. Fahrtinga but I won't be needing anymore of your time. I'm certain this job is not going to be the right fit."

She pops up from her chair, her eyes wide. "But—"

"There are no buts, Ma'am."

Like hell if I'm going to let anything like that even remotely close to my child.

"We're done here, Mrs. Fahrtinga. Have a lovely day."

___

"So, you said you have kids of your own Ms. Silverman?"

"Yes," she answers with a smile. "Six kids. Three different fathers. Will they each be getting their own bedrooms when we move in? I'll especially need to make sure Nico and Nash are separated. They don't always get along and tend to end up fighting. And Jennica, she sleepwalks a lot so she'll need to be on the main floor so she doesn't fall down the stairs."

Next.

___

"Oh, I do have a list of allergies I should go over with you if I'm going to be in your home," our next interviewer adds after our round of questioning. She's a middle-aged woman, petite, with long brown hair and silver wire-rimmed glasses she pushes back from the bridge of her nose. So far, her interview has been great and her disposition completely opposite that of Mrs. Fahrtinga. Thank God. The more I get to know her, the more I think Elsie might like her.

"Absolutely. I want you to be as comfortable as possible in my home."

She hands me her list of allergies and I read down through the extensive file.

Carrots

Beets

Watermelon

Green grapes

Wheat bread

Flour

Milk

Feathers

Cats

Dogs

Goats

Gerbils

Hamsters

Grass

Maple trees

Pine trees

Oak trees

Ragweed

Marigolds

Dandelions

Garlic

Pesto

Rosemary

Cotton

Dust

Mold

Mildew

I'm also sensitive to most scented soaps, perfumes, and candles.

I hand the paper back to her and nod kindly. "Thank you for your time, but I don't think this will be the right fit."

___

"Ms. Bendit," Milo begins, glancing down at our next applicant. "Can you explain the three-year gap in your resume between your last job and now? Did you go back to school…or…"

"Uh…" Her face pinkens and she shifts in her seat. "No. I didn't go back to school. I've actually been gainfully employed these past three years making a very solid income."

"Oh, great." Milo clicks his pen. "Can I ask what you do for a living currently then?"

"I sell my panties."

What. The. Fuck?

All of us look up from the table, speechless.

Milo clears his throat, his brows furrowed. "I'm sorry?"

"My panties," she repeats. "I sell my panties online."

"Do you design underwear or something?" I ask her with morbid curiosity.

She shakes her head. "Oh no. I wear them for the day and then I package them up and send them out to the next buyer."

Dex leans forward in his chair. "You sell…used panties?"

She nods. "Yes."

He cocks his head. "How does that work exactly?"

Oh my God, I can't believe he's asking this.

What am I saying? It's Dex, of course I believe it.

"It just depends on what clients want. Sometimes they'll ask for one day of wear. Sometimes they'll ask me to wear them for two or three days. I've had a guy ask me to masturbate wearing a pair and I even had one who asked that I pee on them before sending."

She cannot be serious.

Dex smiles like a goofy teenager. "Fascinating. And what do they do with—"

"Thank you for your time, Ms. Bendit," Colby says for me as I'm still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor. "But I think we're going to go in another direction."

___

"I apologize for my frankness here, Ms. Wiltzer, but before we get any further into this interview, I need to ask if you sell pictures of child pornography online or if you send out used panties to willing buyers?"

The young woman, who can't be a day over twenty, laughs. "Good Lord, no."

"Thank Christ." Dex sighs with relief. "It's been a day around here."

"But I do run a podcast called Orgasmic ASMR."

The fuck?

Milo chuckles, shaking his head. "Aaaand thank you for your time."

When the last applicant walks out of the room, Carissa and Kinsley walk in with our lunch delivery.

"Lunch time gentlemen." Carissa smiles, lifting several bags filled with pasta and breadsticks from one of our favorite Italian restaurants. Time to carb-load before afternoon practice. "Any luck? Did you find someone good for Elsie?"

"That's a huge negative." I scoff, exhausted already and it's just barely noon. "Are there seriously no good people in Chicago who love kids and are, I don't know, normal?"

"Uh oh." Kinsley cringes. "That doesn't sound good."

Colby chuckles, his face half cringing, half smiling. "I would've never believed it myself if I hadn't been here listening to some of these whack jobs."

I slump down in my seat, opening my container of pasta. "Something tells me this is going to be harder than I thought. I won't let just anybody around my daughter twenty-four-seven. I have to find the right person, or I have to figure out a plan B…and C…and D."

Kinsley tips her head to the side, chewing on the inside of her mouth. "You know, I might know someone."

"Really?"

I would trust Kinsley's taste in people. She's fun. Energetic. Nice. Friendly. She's been a great fit for Quinton.

She nods. "Yeah. Great girl. She works at the animal shelter. She's the one who introduced me to Nutsack, and we kind of clicked right away. Her story is…well, I should let her tell it. But I know she's been looking for something a little more full-time than what she's currently doing. And she actually used to be an elementary school teacher."

"Well that sounds promising," Milo says, taking in a huge mouthful of his spaghetti.

"Yeah. Maybe."

"I'll call her and see what she thinks. If she's interested, is it okay if I pass along your contact information?"

"She doesn't sell feet pictures online does she?"

Kinsley smirks. "Not unless they're the boudoir pictures I took of her last year."

"So, she's married?"

"Uh, no." Kinsley shakes her head. "Not married. Again, I should let her tell her story. It's not mine to tell. But trust me, she's as normal as normal can be and has a great personality. Aaaaand she's hot."

Dex sits up, his brows peaked in interest. "Oh yeah? How hot are we talking?"

"Uh, like I'd do her if she swung that way. Her boudoir shoot was fire."

Dex claps me on the shoulder. "Just what our man Zeke needs! A hot nanny! Let's bring her in."

I roll my eyes at Dex but give a nod to Kinsley. "Alright. I trust you. Thanks Kinsley."

"Sure. Anything I can do to help."