Chapter 39

THIRTY-NINE

Claudia

Once my gynecologist verified that I was pregnant, I went into a minor tailspin. It’s been a week and I’m still reeling, but I’m a tiny bit calmer now. The only problem is finding a way to end things with Anders. The more I think about it, the less I want to put him in the position of having a child forced on him. More than that, I don’t want to be with a man not knowing if he wants to be with me because of me or because I got knocked up less than two months into our relationship.

I hate everything about this, but the practical part of my brain knows I have to come up with plans A, B and C.

I don’t want to tell anyone—not my parents, not Hana, and certainly not anyone at work—until I’m past the first trimester and I know everything is going to be okay. I’m only six weeks at this point, and even though the morning sickness is getting worse, I’ve been able to manage it. Dry toast first thing in the morning seems to help, and as long as I avoid anything greasy, it’s not too bad the rest of the day.

I’ve been craving Whoppers like they’re going out of style, but as soon as I take the first bite my stomach turns, and I can’t eat anymore. I can’t eat much of anything other than dry toast, so I’ve already lost a couple of pounds.

My doctor gave me a bunch of nutritional information, along with a prescription for prenatal vitamins, but so far, I’ve been too tired, stressed, and emotional to sit down and concentrate on the information.

I know I have to but there’s a part of me that keeps hoping this will go away. That the tests and the doctor are both wrong. That I can go back to making plans with my hot hockey player boyfriend and thinking about the new car I want to buy. That’s going to have to be a priority, the new car, because I can’t keep driving my mom’s. And I’m going to need a bunch of things for the baby.

But not yet.

Right now, I’m trying to manage morning sickness while working crazy hours.

Work is an excellent distraction, but I’m tired.

And Hana will be in town next week so I’m going to have to come up with a believable excuse for breaking up with Anders. I can say I’m just too focused on work to think about a guy. That tracks for me because I can be extremely single-minded when it comes to work. I’d been that way in college, so she might expect me to do something stupid like break up with the perfect man so I can focus on my new job.

Of course, I haven’t actually broken up with him yet.

Instead, I’m playing this passive-aggressive game of ignoring most of his texts and calls, but not all of them, and making excuses about how busy I’ve been. He’s starting to get suspicious, and I figure we’re going to fight about it soon, but I don’t want to just randomly sit him down and say we’re through. If I can show him I’m too busy to be in a relationship, maybe he’ll believe it?

It’s ridiculous.

I know it is.

But the idea of forcing him to become a father doesn’t sit well with me either.

I have to dig deep and do the right thing.

Because it’s better for him .

Because it’s probably my fault that this happened, so I need to take responsibility for it.

And give him the freedom to do all the things he still wants to do.

Without me.

That’s the part I hate.

I’m pregnant. This baby is already growing inside me, and I can’t change the trajectory of my life.

I’ve tried to convince myself that an abortion would be the easiest thing to do, but I just can’t do it. Not this baby. Anders’ baby. I already love it. I’m frustrated at the timing and the situation in general, but there’s no universe where I don’t have this baby.

So that means giving Anders his freedom.

I know he’ll provide financial support, which will make my life easier. Even if he just pays for daycare, I can handle the rest. My parents will help. Hana and Johan will be the best auntie, uncle, and godparents ever, and Anders will have options.

In my head, I’ve got all the answers.

It’s just putting them into practice that’s hard.

Anders has called and texted me four times today, and I still haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say.

Hi. I’m pregnant. I know you’re going to be mad so let’s just end things before it turns ugly.

Hi. Look, I’m busy. I think we need to slow down. I don’t have time for a relationship.

Hey, I think I need to date other people. I can’t just marry my first real boyfriend.

Ugh.

All of those sound awful.

He deserves better.

Better than an inexperienced girlfriend whose long nails nicked a condom and ruined both of our lives.

Better than someone who’s not strong enough to do the right thing.

But I am.

I will be.

I’m at the office, but I pull out my phone and start typing before I chicken out.

CLAUDIA: Hey. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. Things are crazy at work, and it doesn’t look like they’re going to slow down any time soon. I think maybe we overestimated how well we could manage a long-distance relationship. I’m struggling with it. And I’m sure it’s been hard for you too.

Of course, he sees the message and responds by calling me.

Fuck.

This isn’t the right time or place, but I have to do this.

For him.

I take a deep breath and answer the phone, walking into the stairwell for some privacy.

“Hey.”

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Like I said, work is just…a lot. And I’m not…happy… being in a relationship that’s constantly pulling me in the opposite direction I want to go.”

“What does that mean?” He sounds hurt and confused, and I hate myself for it.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I just don’t think… I’m not… I’ve got too much on my plate and this thing with us is a distraction.”

Fuck, that sounds terrible.

“A distraction.” He sounds really hurt now.

“Yes. I know. I suck. It’s just that I worked so hard to get this job, and if the company goes public, there could be millions of dollars on the line. I can’t fuck this up.”

“So this is about money?”

“And time. And distance. We have so much going against us, Anders. You know? It’s burned so hot, so fast…” What does that even mean?

“You want to break up.”

“I don’t want to, but I think it’s best. I don’t know when I’m going to see you. I’ve got to start traveling, and it’s going to be a lot more than the ten or fifteen percent they first told me about. You have to focus on hockey. You’re free to travel all summer and I won’t be able to. I feel like I’m going to hold you back.”

He’s quiet for a long time.

Like he can’t believe what’s happening.

I’m certainly having a tough time with it.

Hell, the words are pouring out of my mouth, and I can barely believe it.

“Is this what you want, Claudia?”

“I… think so.”

That might be the biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life.

“I’m not sure what changed in the last two weeks, but it feels like there’s something you’re not telling me.” He pauses. “Have you met someone else?”

There it is.

The lie that could make this somewhat believable.

Eventually, he’ll find out that I’m not involved with anyone, but by then he’ll have moved on.

“Someone at work,” I blurt out. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I didn’t cheat—I would never—but I’m starting to realize that maybe I should date a little before I get serious with someone. You were essentially my first everything, and I need to…explore, see what’s out there. Make sure I know what I want.”

Wow, that’s so much bullshit my eyes have probably turned brown.

“I see. Then I guess we don’t have much more to say.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, trying to stay in control. “I really did love the time we spent together.”

“Apparently not as much as I thought. Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Take care of yourself, Claudia.”

He disconnects and I press my fist to my mouth to keep the tears from pouring out.

What have I done?

I don’t think anything has ever hurt this much and it takes all my self-control to regain my composure before walking back into the office.

“Claudia! There you are!” Randy is calling out to me, and I take in a shaky breath as I turn to face him.

“Hi. What do you need?” I ask as politely as I can manage.

“I have someone for you to say hello to.” He looks incredibly pleased with himself. “I think you two might have known each other at MIT.” He grins and motions to a man I hadn’t noticed standing behind him. “Claudia, say hello to Seth Crandall, our new pre-sales manager.”