Chapter 20

TWENTY

Claudia

I want to spend the night with Anders, but there’s a part of me that feels guilty. Hana is going through a lot, and I want to try to be there for her, especially since she’s going back to Slovakia on Sunday, and it’ll be a while before we see each other again. I’m going to talk to my boss about her next week, but she has to get home for the time being. So even though I hate doing it, I have Anders bring me back to the hotel around midnight. He’s not thrilled about it either, but he’s understanding when I explain.

I think a night apart is a good thing regardless because I’m battling some disparate emotions in the aftermath of our newfound intimacy, and I need to both think about it and maybe talk about it too.

Luckily, Hana practically pounces on me the moment I walk in.

“Did you do it?” she demands.

I smirk. “Not that . But a bunch of other naughty things.”

“Did you blow him?” Her eyes twinkle with mischief as she sits cross-legged on her bed in obvious anticipation of girl talk.

“I did.” I kick off my shoes. “And then he did me. Well, he did me first.” I throw myself on my bed and let out a dramatic sigh. “It was incredibly intense.”

“But did you enjoy it? Why are you huffing like that?”

“Because he’s literally perfect and it scares the crap out of me.”

“I’m sure he’s not perfect .”

“Well, so far, he is. At least, for me.”

“Well, with that in mind, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. It’s been three days and I’m falling. Hard. This is the kind of nonsense you read about in books or those awful movies you make me watch.”

“They’re not awful!” Hana throws a pillow at me. “And your feelings, no matter what they are, are not nonsense.”

“I’m being a dumb, typical girl who’s falling in love with the first guy to pay attention to her. It’s embarrassing.”

“Technically, he’s the second guy you’ve allowed to pay attention to you.”

I throw the pillow back at her.

“Look.” She leans forward. “Falling in love like this is fun. It’s the kind of thing I usually do, and while it typically doesn’t end well, it feels wonderful while it’s happening. And girlfriend, you definitely haven’t had enough fun in your life. Go with it. Enjoy it. Enjoy him.”

“He has the V,” I say dramatically, fanning myself.

“The abdominal V?” Her eyes round. “Oh, man. He might actually be perfect.”

We burst out laughing.

“What about Felix? You done with him?”

“That ship has sailed.” She waves an impatient hand. “I don’t know what I was thinking. He’s so not my type.”

“But Aiden is.”

She smiles. “He is.”

“Did you call him?”

“Nope.” She says it a little too quickly, and I narrow my gaze at her.

“Did you text him?” I ask slowly.

“Maybe.” She gives me an impish little grin.

“Are you going out with him?”

“I might. He’s cute. And I like his…bike.”

I laugh. “That all you like?”

“Oh, I like the whole package, but you know my luck with guys. So I made sure to friend-zone him. We’ll see if he still wants to hang out since I’ve made it clear I’m not going to sleep with him.”

“How is that fair? To either of you?”

“I’m protecting my heart. That’s what makes it fair. A guy like him could hurt me and I don’t have the time for that right now.”

“What, you think I do?” I shake my head. “But you keep telling me to go for it. I think you need to take your own advice.”

“You’re moving a two-hour flight away. In the same country. I’m going thousands of miles away, without a visa that allows me to come back regularly. This has disaster written all over it. Now, don’t get me wrong—if you manage to get me a job, that could change everything. But until then, I have to be smart. It’s probably time for me to grow up. At least when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“Oh, but I should throw caution to the wind?”

“You’ve never done it,” she says firmly. “And everyone should experience this kind of thing. Meeting a guy who makes your heart go crazy and your insides get all squishy. A vacation fling that might or might not go further. Drinking in that tall, cool, Swedish drink of water until your thirst is quenched.”

“Wow, that was a hell of a metaphor.”

“I know.” She grins. “But seriously, we’re at different places in life. You should be living it up. It’s time for you to experience all these things, even if you get your heart broken.”

“That sounds terrible,” I protest.

“But how can you know when the right guy comes along if you’ve never experienced the wrong ones? And don’t bring up Seth—he wasn’t worth your time or energy.”

“Anders is.”

“Agreed.”

“Maybe Aiden is.”

“If he is, he’ll be willing to wait for me to get my shit together.”

“I want to spend as much time as I can with Anders.”

“Then do it. Don’t worry about me. I have my brother and Sloane, and Aiden, and lots of things to keep me busy. It’s only a few more days.”

“But this is supposed to be our trip.”

“It still is. We can meet up for lunch or breakfast or dinner. You can invite Anders to join us at Johan and Sloane’s place tomorrow night, and we’ll all be together. They’re turning it into more of a party anyway, some kind of unofficial housewarming, so it’s all good. Besides, besties don’t make each other feel bad. You should know me better than that.”

I nod.

She really is the best.

“I do, but I thought it warranted a conversation.”

“You’re always overthinking, girlfriend. You know I wouldn’t want you to miss out on time with someone like Anders.”

We talk for a little while longer, but then she curls up in bed to read and I pull out my phone to text Anders.

CLAUDIA: We’re good for a sleepover tomorrow night.

ANDERS: Yeah? This is great news!

CLAUDIA: You’re also invited to dinner at Johan’s tomorrow night. This is something that’s been planned all along, and I don’t want to miss it, but I’d love it if you came with me.

ANDERS: Of course. It sounds like fun.

CLAUDIA: It was supposed to be just family, but I think it’s going to be more of a mini housewarming party now. So we can have dinner, hang out a while, and then make a break for it.

ANDERS: I like the way you think. Did you make sure everything is good with Hana?

CLAUDIA: Yeah, she’s pretty chill about this kind of thing. Especially since I never do anything like this.

ANDERS: Like what?

CLAUDIA: Date. It’s been years since I went out with anyone.

ANDERS: Well, their loss is my gain, I guess. What time should I pick you up tomorrow?

CLAUDIA: Party starts at six thirty, so around six?

ANDERS: Sounds good. And make sure you bring an overnight bag, if you want to sleep over.

CLAUDIA: I do and I will.

We say good night, and I put my phone in the cordless charger on the nightstand.

I’m going to sleep at Anders’ house tomorrow night.

And in my head, there’s an unspoken expectation that we’re going to push some boundaries in the bedroom.

Not because he’ll force the issue, but because I really, really want to.

I’m still nervous, but less so after everything we’ve done since we met.

I simply have to find a way to let go of the past enough to live in the present.

With Anders.

I want him to make love to me.

I want to know what it feels like when it’s right and there isn’t the barrier of a medical anomaly. When a man who knows what he’s doing makes you feel good. When you like a guy who likes you back and you become as intimate as two people can be.

In my head, there’s something intrinsically important about that kind of mating. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, it means something. And despite the way things had gone down with Seth, I’d known that being with him wasn’t quite right. He was my first and only boyfriend, so it felt like I had to sleep with him because that was what couples did.

Yet the passion was never there. It had mostly felt like a chore, and after my humiliating experience that first and only time, I’d convinced myself it was because sex just wasn’t that big of a deal.

Now I know better but the build up has left me doing what I do best—overthinking every damn thing.

But not anymore.

Tomorrow I’m going to give Anders the green light.

It’s time to take the plunge, no matter how nervous it makes me.

The thing is, I know Anders won’t hurt me. Not physically anyway.

And I want to share this with him before I leave for Philadelphia.

I’m positive what happens in the bedroom is going to tell me everything I need to know about our potential as a couple. It’s not completely rational, because lots of people have great sex and then never see each other again, but this is different. Or maybe I’m the one that’s different.

Either way, I’m ready.

For everything.