13. Twelve

The grocery store's fluorescent lights were harsh and glaring. The candy aisle stretched before me, tidy rows of brightly colored sweets crammed into plastic packaging. My hand gripped a package of Jolly Ranchers, Eli's favorite.

I had no idea where I was, how I’d gotten there, or even what day it was.

Gavin glanced over, his gray eyes searching my face. “Keres? Are you alright?”

Exhaling, I shook my head slightly. “It's me, Gavin. Shepherd.” My voice sounded distant, echoing down a long tunnel. “What day is it?” I asked.

“Wednesday,” he replied.

Four days trapped in the dark while my other self wreaked havoc. I set the candy back on the shelf, fingers trembling. “And Keres? Has he…?”

“Behaved himself?” Gavin snorted. “Well enough for him. Want the update here or in the car? I was keeping Keres busy while Eli finished his shift.”

Glancing around, paranoia crept in. “Let’s wait until we're in the car.”

Gavin nodded, taking the basket from my hand. “I'll check out. Meet you at the car in five.”

I made my way out to the SUV, still feeling dazed, and slumped against the leather seat. I closed my eyes against the dull throb in my temples, and I rubbed my forehead. It was no use.

As Gavin slid into the driver’s seat, his expression neutral, I cracked one eye open. “Headache?” he asked.

I nodded, wincing as pain shot through my skull, the dull throb intensifying with each movement. “It's always like this after someone else has been in control.”

He made a sympathetic noise and started the car. The familiar streets of Columbus slid by, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows.

“So,” I said after a moment, “what's the damage?”

Gavin tightened his grip on the wheel. “Nothing catastrophic. Eli has moved in, settling into a routine. He’s taken on cleaning duties without being asked and responds well to clear instructions.”

“Good. How has he been with Keres?”

Gavin hesitated, his lips pressing into a thin line. “Keres has claimed him. Marked him as his own.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, a wave of dizziness crashing over me. My darker impulses had clawed their way into an innocent life, just as I had feared.

“I walked in on them the first day,” Gavin continued, voice tight. “Keres had Eli pinned against the wall, and Eli was… Well, it was compromising.”

My mouth went dry. “Did Eli seem…willing?”

Gavin met my gaze evenly. “From what I saw, it appeared consensual. Eli didn’t fight back and seemed to respond quite…enthusiastically.”

I leaned back, a tangle of emotions swirling through me. Relief that Keres hadn't forced himself on Eli clashed with simmering jealousy. I had no claim on Eli; he was free to choose, even if that choice embodied my darkest urges.

“Was it just the one time?” I asked.

Gavin shrugged. “As far as I know. Keres knows better than to try anything when I’m around, but I have to go home. I talked to Eli, though. He doesn’t seem hurt or traumatized. He’s quite…submissive with Keres. You should train him sooner rather than later; he craves guidance. Honestly, it’s better that it’s you rather than Keres.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, the headache intensifying. Gavin was right. Eli needed me to guide him, to keep him safe from Keres and myself. “I’ll talk to Eli tonight. Set some ground rules.”

Gavin nodded, relief flickering across his face. “That’s good. It will be better for everyone involved.”

As we pulled onto the street by the tattoo shop, Gavin said, “He’s a smart kid, eager to please. He’ll take to your training well.”

I hummed in agreement, thoughts racing ahead to our tasks. I needed to take things slowly, to build trust. The last thing I wanted was to push him away.

Gavin parked outside the shop, the neon sign casting a red glow. I spotted Eli working, brow furrowed in concentration.

Eli emerged moments later, the late afternoon sun highlighting his platinum hair. He wore a fitted black t-shirt and dark jeans.

“New clothes?” I noted.

Gavin nodded. “I took him shopping.”

Eli slid into the back seat, a shy smile on his lips. “Hey, Keres. Gavin,” he said softly.

I cleared my throat. “It's Shepherd, actually.”

Eli's eyes widened, a blush staining his pale cheeks. “Oh. Sorry, I assumed...”

As he shifted in his seat, I caught a glimpse of deep purple bruises marring his throat—hickeys, livid against his skin.

Irritation welled up, mixed with jealousy. I wanted to be the only one who marked his skin like that. I met Eli's eyes in the rearview mirror, his nervousness radiating off him as he attempted to cover the bruises.

“It's all right,” I said, injecting warmth into my tone. “You haven't done anything wrong. I know this situation is complicated, but you're safe here. With me.”

Eli swallowed hard. “You’re not mad?”

I exhaled slowly. “Not at you. More frustrated with the situation…with myself, I suppose.”

Confusion crossed Eli's face. “With yourself? But you didn't do anything wrong either.”

I waved a hand dismissively. “We’ll discuss my psyche later. I want to focus on you, Eli. Gavin mentioned you’ve been a tremendous help around the house, and that’s important. But it’s crucial we establish some boundaries too.”

Gavin pulled into the apartment parking lot, turning to face me. “You have two appointments tomorrow morning at ten and eleven. If you can’t make them, have Eli text me. I trust you two will be alright until tomorrow night?”

I nodded, understanding the unspoken question. He was giving me the chance to begin Eli's training, to establish the dynamic we needed.

“We'll be fine,” I assured him, glancing at Eli. “Is that all right with you, Eli?”

Eli’s gaze darted between us, uncertainty flickering in his eyes. He nodded, a jerky motion. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Gavin seemed satisfied. “I’ll leave you to it. Call if you need anything.”

With that, he shut off the car and handed me the keys before exiting. I watched him stride to his car nearby.

Eli followed me to the apartment, his movements tentative as we approached the building. The setting sun painted the sky in streaks of orange and pink.

Inside, the air was cool against my skin until we made it to the elevator, where it was stuffier. We rode up to my floor in charged silence.

I unlocked the door to my apartment, gesturing for Eli to enter. He hesitated, then stepped over the threshold, grocery bags in hand.

The living room was as I had left it—spartan and tidy. Eli toed off his shoes, lining them up against the wall, then began unloading the groceries with careful efficiency.

Watching him work was soothing. The anxiety from earlier faded as he focused on his task, reminding me how important it was to set boundaries and expectations.

“Eli, come sit with me.” I gestured to the couch.

He hesitated, then perched on the edge, clearly uncertain.

I took a slow breath. “I want to talk about how you’re settling in and what you might need from me going forward.”

Eli's brow furrowed. “Did I do something wrong? If it’s about the hickeys, I’m sorry—”

“No, not at all. You’ve done nothing wrong. I wanted to talk about how much happier you seem when you have a task to focus on. It’s like you come alive in those moments.”

Eli ducked his head, a faint blush staining his cheeks. “I like feeling useful.”

“But it’s more than that, isn’t it?” I urged. Leaning forward, I regarded Eli intently. “It's the structure, isn’t it? The clear expectations and guidance settle something in you, giving you purpose and belonging. You probably felt it even before the cult. It’s likely what drove you to it in the first place—a need to serve someone more dominant.”

Eli bit his bottom lip, avoiding my gaze. But he nodded, a jerky motion. “I... yeah. Ever since I was a teenager.”

I hummed, choosing my words carefully. “Have you heard of a service submissive, Eli?”

His brow furrowed, and he shook his head, platinum hair falling into his eyes.

“It’s a type of power exchange dynamic,” I explained, my voice softening. “In this dynamic, the submissive finds fulfillment in serving their dominant through assigned tasks. Those can be anything from household chores to personal care.”

Eli’s eyes widened as realization dawned. “That sounds a lot like what I’ve been doing here.”

I nodded. “Partially. But true service submission involves trust and communication beyond chores. It’s about me understanding your needs while respecting your limits.”

Eli swallowed hard, fingers twisting in his lap. “And what would that look like?”

“It can vary,” I replied gently. “Custom rules and protocols, regular check-ins to ensure we both feel fulfilled, and a clear system of rewards for good behavior.”

At the mention of rewards, Eli’s gaze shot up, interest sparking in his eyes. “Rewards?”

I smiled. “Absolutely. I believe in positive reinforcement. When you follow the rules and meet my expectations, you’ll be rewarded—whether with praise or something more tangible.”

Eli licked his lips, a nervous gesture. “And if I break a rule? Will there be… punishment?”

I met his gaze, my expression serious. “I prefer to call them consequences. They’ll be clearly defined beforehand, and we’ll agree on them together. They won’t necessarily be physical or painful; some submissives prefer writing lines or losing privileges.”

Eli nodded slowly, the tension easing from his frame. “And what if I sometimes want the pain? The punishment?” His voice was barely a whisper, cheeks flushing.

Heat stirred low in my belly at his confession, but I suppressed it. I studied his face, noting the flush of his cheeks and the way he bit his lip.

“Is that what you need, Eli?” I asked softly, my voice rougher than intended. “Do you need me to punish you?”

His breath hitched, fists clenching on his thighs. He nodded, gaze averted. “I think so. Sometimes I punish myself when I fail. It’s like a compulsion, a need to atone. And I thought maybe if you did it instead…”

A pang shot through me. The thought of Eli hurting himself made my heart ache. I wanted to soothe away his pain, but I knew that wasn’t what he needed right now.

“How do you punish yourself?” I asked gently.

Eli fidgeted, unable to meet my eyes. “I… sometimes I let people hurt me. I hook up with people online and let them do whatever. Spit on me. Slap me. I feel like I deserve it.”

Nausea washed over me. The idea of faceless men degrading Eli filled me with rage and sorrow for the boy who believed he deserved such cruelty.

I took a steadying breath, forcing calm. Eli needed guidance, not my anger. I reached out and gently grasped his chin, tilting his face up to mine.

“Eli, look at me. You are not broken or unworthy. You’re a beautiful, resilient person who has survived trauma. Your coping mechanisms don’t define you. You don’t deserve to be abused—no one does.”

Tears glistened in his eyes as he met my gaze. The tension in his body spoke of his desperate need for absolution, conflicting with his belief in his unworthiness.

“I want you to do something for me,” I said firmly. “Take out your phone and delete Grindr. Right now.”

His eyes widened, panic flickering across his features. “But I need it. Sometimes I—”

“No, Eli. You think you do, but it feeds into your cycle of self-destruction.” I released his chin, resting my hand on his knee. “If you feel that urge to hurt yourself, come to me instead. We’ll find a healthier way to cope together.”

Eli's breath hitched, trembling fingers fumbling for his phone. I watched as he navigated to the app, thumb hovering over the delete button. He hesitated only briefly before pressing it.

As the app uninstalled, he let out a shuddering breath, shoulders sagging as if a weight had lifted.

I squeezed his knee. “Good boy, Eli. I’m proud of you. Letting go of something that felt like a lifeline was brave.”

Eli flushed at my praise, a tentative smile curving his lips. “Thank you, sir.”

The honorific sent heat through me, but I focused on providing Eli with the structure he needed to heal. I released his knee and leaned back, the apartment quiet except for the hum of the refrigerator and the slanting light of the setting sun.

Eli shifted, worrying his lip ring. I sensed a new anxiety taking root.

“What is it, Eli?” I prompted gently. “We need to be open with each other.”

He took a shaky breath, twisting his shirt hem. “If I can’t hook up anymore, how will I... I have needs.” A deep flush crept up his neck.

Sympathy mixed with possessiveness surged in me. The thought of Eli beneath me sent a bolt of heat through my groin, but I suppressed the urge. Our dynamic couldn’t be about sex—not yet. Eli needed to learn to value himself apart from his body.

“I understand you have physical needs,” I said seriously. “But mixing sex with our dynamic isn’t wise right now.”

Eli’s face fell, shoulders hunching as if bracing for a blow. “So you don’t want me like that,” he said flatly.

“I didn’t say that. I said not yet.” I held his gaze, willing him to understand. “This isn’t rejection. I want you to listen. You are incredibly attractive, and I’m drawn to you. But right now, you need to separate your self-worth from your sexuality.”

Eli frowned, confusion knitting his brow. “What do you mean?”

“For too long, you’ve used sex to self-harm, letting people use your body as punishment. Introducing a sexual element now might reinforce that pattern.”

His eyes widened, tears glistening. “I... never thought about it like that.”

“I know,” I said gently. “You’re learning. But trust me. I’m not rejecting you; I’m helping you see your value beyond your body.”

A single tear fell, tracking down his cheek. I brushed it away, my thumb lingering too long. Eli froze, breath catching but not pulling away. The air between us thickened with unspoken tension.

“I’m trying to help you,” I said, voice low. He met my gaze, wide and uncertain. The air felt charged.

But clarity was needed, and I wouldn’t let anything happen without terms.

“Come with me,” I said, stepping back to break the tension.

He hesitated before following me down the hall into my office. I switched on the desk lamp, casting a soft glow over the polished surface.

I sat at my desk and motioned for him to take the chair beside me. “Before we go any further, we need to go over the contract. At the end, you can decide to sign it or not and we’ll go from there.”

Eli sat slowly, glancing around before taking the tablet I offered. I got out my own and logged into a blank contract template, sharing it between our screens.

“Let’s go through it together,” I said, and Eli nodded.