Chapter 18

eighteen

BUTTERFLIES & BUMBLEBEES

N ever in my life have I ever been so bold, but watching the way Xander’s eyes darken as he stares at my lips makes the risk all the more worth it.

“You’re not asking for trouble, you are trouble,” he says, his voice lower and huskier than it was only moments ago.

If I’m trouble, he’s a thrill seeker, because his head dips down to mine and his lips press against mine once more. This time he doesn’t give up control, holding me exactly where he wants me as he explores my mouth with his tongue.

Something about the way he kisses me makes all the endless noise in my head finally go quiet. No more doubts or worries. There’s only Xander and the faint taste of chocolate between us.

It’s a kiss that makes me want more, but that could also consume me all on its own.

When he finally pulls away from me, my breathing is jagged and my chest heaves in between us. He kisses my forehead softly, then my cheek, and then brushes one last kiss over my lips. I tilt my head, desperate for him to continue to trail kisses down my throat and to my body, but he holds himself steady over my body.

I open my eyes to find him studying me carefully and fear pierces my heart once more. Can this really last in the morning light?

Being brave got me another kiss, so maybe just maybe I can be brave one more time.

“You said I was your sunshine,” I say, my hands coming up to hold his face so he can’t look away from me.

“I meant everything I said this morning, Em. Everything.” Relief and something else I don’t know how to describe flows through me with the conviction of his words.

He doesn’t regret them. Doesn’t want to take them back. I take a deep breath, forcing myself to relax as I look up at him. “If I bring light into your life, you bring strength into mine. You make me want to be brave, make me believe in myself. Because even when you’ve been cold and distant, you’ve never once counted me out. Never made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I’ve never had to worry about you not wanting me around.” I cock my head, as the words spill free. “Well, you know, except for that one time you chose to act like I didn’t exist.”

His smile transforms into a smirk as he snorts, shaking his head as he leans forward to press his forehead against mine. “I already said I was sorry for that. You ever gonna let me live it down?”

“Never.” And it doesn’t feel so painful now because I think I can finally understand why he did it. I’ve never been more terrified of my own feelings before. Never had a reason to feel like the one thing that feels so right might be the thing that blows up my entire life.

“I like you, Alexander Channing. A lot. And it terrifies me.”

His dark blue eyes search mine and I could get lost in the depths of his gaze. My fingers itch to capture that look with my camera. The rawness and vulnerability in it shows me how much my words mean to him.

“I like you too, Emery Moore,” he responds, pushing hair off my face. “Maybe too much because you terrify me. And you’re well on your way to ruining me for anyone else.”

Butterflies take off in my stomach and my heart swells in a way that makes it hard to breathe. It all feels almost too good to be true. His arms wrap around my waist and he hugs me, dropping his head into the crook between my neck and shoulder and I can feel the indecision, the hesitation.

“I will never forgive myself if I hurt you again,” he whispers, and I hold my breath waiting for the but I know is coming. “But Tate is my best friend.”

My body tenses without my permission as bees replace the butterflies, leaving me buzzing and bracing for the sting of rejection I know is coming. It always comes back to my brothers. If not one than the other. They always find a way to interfere.

“Right,” I laugh, but it sounds caustic even to my own ears. “I get it. I’ll always just be Tate’s little sister.” I try to pull away from him, but he tightens his grip on me and laughs right back in my face.

“I might love when you’re being a brat, but not right now, Emery. You’re going to hear me out.”

It’s embarrassing how tempting it is to stomp my foot and act like a petulant child but I’m so sick of always living in their shadows. If my heart has one sore spot on it, Xander is tap dancing all over it right now.

“Tate is my best friend and this feels a hell of a lot like betraying him,” he admits and even though I know he’s right, his words send daggers through my heart, nearly erasing every bit of euphoria he had filled me with.

“Despite what Zac and Wilder seem to think, I’m not actually trying to steal anyone’s best friend,” I spit. “So let me go and go be his best friend.” I try again to pull away from him again and he sighs, yanking me back down.

“It’s too late for that.” It should ease my anger, but it only barely manages to soften the sharp corners of it. “How could I possibly let you go after feeling you in my arms?”

Maybe I reacted too fast and this isn’t a rejection, but I still can’t bring myself to look at him.

“Look at me, baby girl.” His tone lined with amusement. I scrunch my nose in protest, but when his hand catches my chin and lifts my gaze to his, I don’t fight him. That damn term of endearment does a lot to ebb my anger. Damn him.

“You are so much more than just Tate’s little sister. You’re so much more than who your family is, Emery. I need you to hear me when I say that. I’m falling for the person you are. But that doesn’t stop you from being my best friend’s little sister. It doesn’t mean I get a free pass to go behind his back when I know he’s going to have my balls for this.”

I roll my eyes. “It shouldn’t be his business,” I argue. “Why is who I kiss up to him? If you met some girl at school or at a party you wouldn’t worry about what her older brother would think.”

He gives me a look, one brow arched. “Because this fictitious woman’s older brother wouldn’t be my best friend,” he answers wryly.

I huff a sigh as he slips his hands under my shirt and starts to draw patterns on my back. “Then what do you want, Xander?”

His lips press against my throat and my heart starts racing. “You, you silly girl. I want you.” I tilt my head, giving him more access and they flutter over my pulse point. “And I want to tell my best friend about what you mean to me.”

Panic grips me even as heat builds in my core .

What happens if Tate hates this? If he flips out and forbids Xander from pursuing me?

Is what Xander feels for me right now strong enough to choose me and fight for us even if Tate throws a fit?

I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to have to beg him to pick me over my brother either. “Can’t we–” I clear my throat when I realize it sounds like a whine. “Can’t we keep it between us for a little bit?” Despite my best efforts to hide it, my insecurity leaks into my voice and I drop my eyes from his.

Maybe if we have a little more time, we could actually be something worth fighting for even if Tate isn’t happy about it. Maybe with enough time I can prove I’m worth picking if it comes to that without having to ask for him to.

He hovers over me, carefully considering my words and I brace myself for the rejection all over again. He sighs. “Em, I want to be all in with you,” he says, brushing his lips over my forehead. “Do you want to be all in with me too? Or is that not what this is?”

I scrunch my brows in confusion. “What else would it be?” I don’t make a habit of making out with random guys on the beach, and I surely wouldn’t risk causing problems for Xander and Tate for some kicks and giggles.

“How are we supposed to be all in if we’re hiding from everyone?”

Okay, he makes a good point. “Not forever,” I counter. Just until I know I have a shot of you choosing me. Until I know Tate won’t be able to scare you off.

Every other guy has always left. Has never given me a second glance after my brothers intervene. I can’t risk that with Xander as well. I can’t lose him when I’m just finally experiencing what it could be like to have him.

“Why?” he asks, but it doesn’t seem like a demand in the same way it often comes across from my older brothers. He really wants to know, wants to understand the way I think.

I chew my lip. I wanted to be brave, but I don’t think I’m brave enough to admit the truth. Not yet. It sounds small and weak and pathetic to admit how scared I am over what might happen if we do tell Tate.

I sigh, looking over Xander’s shoulder as I admit only some of the truth. “For the same reason I didn’t tell anyone about early admission. So much of my life has been in my brothers’ shadows. Always a few steps behind them, never in the spotlight, always behind a lens. I love my brothers and I love being close to them, but sometimes I want things for myself. I needed to know I was choosing the school that was best for me. I needed to make that decision and enjoy the process alone without their influence. And now, I want that with you too.” I close my eyes, trying to fight back the emotion my embarrassment brings up. “You’re so important to me and I don’t want either of my brothers between us when we haven’t even had a chance to figure out if we can be an us.”

He peppers kisses over my cheeks and forehead, pressing a soft one to each closed eye. Apparently I wasn’t able to cover up the bubbling unease. It feels silly, but the affection helps me relax a bit. “If that’s what you need, then that’s what we’ll do.”

His agreement lifts what feels like an anvil off my chest and I can finally breathe again.

Xander rolls over, bringing me with him until I’m sitting in his lap and his arms are wrapped around my waist and his chin rests against my shoulder. I lean back into his chest, taking a deep breath as I look at the stars my dreams started to come true under. Somehow they seem even more beautiful now.

“Can I ask you one more question though?”

I nod instead of answering, uncertainty filling me at the prospect of circling back to the beginning of our conversation .

“Why come to Westbrook if you feel that way about your brothers?” he asks with such a tenderness, it almost makes me feel guilty for voicing my frustrations for always feeling several steps behind. “You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to,” he whispers.

I snuggle deeper into his arms, trying to find the words to explain the tumultuous emotions I’ve experienced the last few months while I agonized over this decision. “Because I love them,” I answer honestly. “We fight and disagree and they’re overbearing and downright annoying.” Xander laughs, but I keep going. “But they’re my brothers and we love each other and I know they really do want what is best for me.” It can be hard to accept that at times, but deep down I know they don’t realize how much some of their actions have hurt me.

“I do want to find myself,” I continue. “But I don’t want to have to sacrifice time and memories with the ones I love in order to do so. I want to be strong enough to be who I am and who I want to be by my family’s side.”

He kisses my temple and it’s all the validation I need. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“Maybe,” I sigh, turning my head back to look at him. “Maybe not.”

Xander playfully bites my ear. “Brat,” he teases. “You really are though. I struggled with that same feeling. After high school when Tate and I were playing for different teams and we had lost your mom. Your guys’ grief seemed all consuming. And don’t get me wrong, mine was too. Losing her felt a lot like losing home. Like losing the safety and comfort I had come to know. But it also felt like my grief could never match yours. Or maybe I felt that I didn’t deserve to because she wasn’t my mom.”

His admission sounds crazy, almost unbelievable if I couldn’t relate to that constant voice in the back of your head that makes you question everything. That makes you feel like you’re not good enough. Like you’re a bother and a nuisance to those around you.

“My mom loved you like you were her own,” I whisper. “And my dad still does.” I find his hand with mine and finger the bracelet I gave him.

“I know,” he sighs, squeezing me in his arms before he relaxes. “But I wasn’t strong enough to try and figure that out surrounded by the love and support I questioned if I deserved. I never should have pulled away from you guys. That’s why you amaze me all the more.”

“Yeah?”

He winks at me as I look over my shoulder at him. The scruff on his face growing longer than I’ve seen it in some time. “Yeah.”

“Then kiss me some more?” His slow smirk makes the butterflies take flight once again, the heat between us growing to ward off the chill of the night all around us.

“Always, baby girl.”