Chapter 9

nine

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

F riends.

We can be friends.

It’s more than I thought was possible after Thanksgiving. More than I know I deserve. If I was a better person, I would insist Tate was my friend and she was just his sister. I would draw the line between us and make it bold so neither one of us could miss it.

But I’ve never claimed to be a good person and I don’t want to be a better man. Not if it means hurting her, not being able to be near her, not able to claim another one of her smiles for myself. Even when they’re at my expense.

I finally got that damn cat in my arms, without any help from Emery. Now, you’d never know what that little demon is capable of by the way she purrs in Baylor’s arms as Torryn’s nurse gives us the room.

Torryn looks somehow better and worse than I expected and it doesn’t surprise anyone when Isla begins to cry and climbs into the bed with her. If I didn’t know Torryn would never let me live it down, I may be crying myself.

A sniffle from behind me makes me look over my shoulder to find Tate wrapping his arms around Emery as her eyes fill with tears. As soon as Tor catches sight of her, she shakes her head, a smile pulling at her lips, before she gestures for Emery to come closer.

Both girls in the bed hold out their hands to Emery who latches onto them with all the guilt and sadness I know she’s trying to hide pouring out of her. The rest of us stand at the foot of her bed and in the free space of the room. It’s definitely not big enough to comfortably fit five hockey players, but we manage it somehow.

Torryn looks out of her realm trying to calm the two crying girls down, and I can’t help but smirk. At least Beau, James, and Wells came with Tate because I’m as clueless as she is on how to break the atmosphere full of regrets and pain that’s encompassing the room around us. But these guys are never serious for long and it only takes a moment for Beau to launch into a story that has everyone laughing in minutes, except for Baylor who flips him off and grumbles through the whole thing. But my eyes stay locked on Emery, the way she seems more comfortable in this room than she was with that guy or even when she was getting out of the car the other night with her friends.

“Oh yeah,” I interrupt, suddenly remembering. “I brought food.”

Emery snorts, a cute little sound that would have me making fun of anyone else. “It’s going to be cold now.”

Brat. “Still better than hospital food,” I defend, grabbing the bags from where I set them down and handing out everyone’s food.

Half of us end up sitting on the floor to eat our food and I keep expecting one of the nurses to come in and yell that there are too many people in here, but they never do. Tate’s knee bumps against mine as he shifts to lean back against the wall and Emery makes a smart ass comment about the boys finally knowing their places which sends Torryn into another coughing fit when she attempts to laugh.

Baylor rushes to her side with more water but she waves him off, taking deep breaths to calm down. She avoids talking after that, not that she’s ever the loudest person in the room. She does give me a smug smirk though when Karma darts out from under the bed and steals my pickle.

“You’re a bigger asshole than that cat,” I tell her, pointing at her with my now pickleless sandwich. It’s not like the cat is even going to eat it anyways.

Her grin only widens but a box of tissues comes flying at the side of my head and I just barely manage to swat it away before it makes contact. “What the fuck?” I glare at Baylor.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” he warns and I can't help but roll my eyes.

“You’re going to be an annoying boyfriend,” I tell him, part of me happy to see them finally figuring their shit out, but another part already missing making fun of them both. “It’s not like I’m hurting her feelings,” I continue. “She doesn’t have feelings to hurt.”

Torryn’s hand flies to her mouth as she tries to stifle her laugh and not descend into another round of coughs. Baylor’s eyes narrow as he chucks his wrapper in my direction this time. “That’s why,” he scolds, rushing back to her side and fussing like a frantic mother hen. Oh, Torryn is going to end up murdering him before the week is out.

I scoff, “No one yelled at Emery for making her laugh.”

“She’s cuter than you,” Baylor responds quickly, making Tate arch a brow.

My hand flies to my chest in offense. “I’m very cute,” I argue, drawing questioning looks from everyone in the room. Rude .

Leave it to Torryn to be the one to put the insult into words. “You’re egotistical,” she deadpans. “The only cute ones are Emery, Isla, and Baylor.”

Now I’m not the only one outraged.

She nods conceding, “Right, and Tate.” Predictably his whole face turns red as Wells, James, and Beau argue at being left out. Meanwhile, Baylor preens at her assessment. Of course he does.

Conversation devolves into petty arguments full of teases and taunts about who is cuter than who. Torryn begins to relax into her bed, her eyes lazily drifting over the room as she smiles at the chaos surrounding her.

We continue to hang out and talk shit, time slipping away without notice until the nurse knocks on the door before coming into the room, a small smile on her face. “Okay guys, I held off as long as I could.” We all sigh, knowing what’s coming and she chuckles. “Visiting hours are over. I’d love to let you stay, but Miss Gray needs to get her rest.”

Torryn’s eyes are already at half mast, despite her trying to keep them open. Isla gave up her spot in the bed to Baylor several hours ago and Torryn is now curled into his side.

The rest of us begin to gather our stuff, and Emery slips the little bag of polaroid pictures she was taking into Torryn’s stuff for her to look at later.

“The cats too,” the nurse warns and Torryn boos from her bed, but it has no real heat behind it.

“We’ll take care of the babies,” Isla promises, kissing Tor’s forehead. Everyone else says their goodbyes, and I linger until I’m the last one in the room with just Torryn and Baylor.

“I owe you both an apology,” I start, my head hanging low as I step up the side of the bed, all of the guilt and regret rearing its ugly head now that the laughter and light has left the room. “I should have never let you go into the locker room by yourself, Tor. I will always regret that I was distracted and didn’t keep you safe like I promised.”

Her eyes flutter open, bruises covering her skin in a painful reminder of my failure. “Don’t do that,” she demands, fire in her tone. “You’re not god and you’re not a hero so don’t act like this is on you.”

Baylor runs his hand gently over her hair. “What Torryn is trying to say is that we don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. The only person who is at fault is now behind bars and there’s nothing you could have done to have prevented this because it wasn’t in your control.”

Torryn nods. “He was always going to find his way to me. One way or another.”

I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “Well, I’m still sorry.” Needing her to understand, to hear the words and forgive me.

Torryn is sharper and softer than anyone gives her credit for or realizes. She rolls her eyes. “Buy me a drink next time we’re out and we’ll call it square.”

I grin at her acceptance. “I’ll buy all your drinks,” I agree, but Baylor shoves me away.

“I will buy all of her drinks. You can buy one.”

Fair enough. I feel lighter as I say my goodbyes to them both and head out to meet the others in the hallway.

The guys come with me and I drop them off at their house first. They’ll need some time before they’re able to clear out the room for me to use, and I’m okay on Tate’s couch for a little while longer. Tate took Emery back to her car and I already miss her. Wishing I hadn’t been the only other one with a car and could have gone with them. Stealing just those few extra minutes to hang out with her, knowing I won’t see her again until the next hockey game.

I get home before he does and fall to the couch, the day spinning through my head as I try to relax and can’t. Wilder and Zac find me staring at the ceiling and I give them an update about how Torryn is doing.

“We’re heading over to Colby’s if you want to take my room for the night,” Zac offers.

I nod my thanks, and watch as they walk out the door. Alone again.

At the sound of the front door shutting, I get up off the couch and make my way into his room, finding it cleaner than I expected. I fall into his bed and my eyes catch on the photo he has next to his bed, reminding me of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about.

But we agreed to be friends.

That whole conversation shook me to my core. So close to admitting what I really wanted, spilling exactly how special she is in my eyes. As so much more than what she sees herself as. More than she could imagine. But I couldn’t ruin what we were barely managing to fix, even if she’s the only thing I seem to think about these days.

My eyes are drawn to the woman with her arms wrapped around Emery in the family photo, twin smiles lighting up their faces. What would she think about all of this? Would she turn her back on me and claim I’m not good enough for her daughter? Or would she laugh and say she always knew I’d be a part of their family one day?

The thought sends daggers of grief into my chest.

I’ll never get answers to those questions, not only because she’s gone but I’ll never admit these feelings to anyone.

Friends.

That’s what we are.

I turn to my side, an idea forming. Maybe a bad idea. A terrible one.

Or maybe a genius one .

I crack my knuckles, staring at my phone on the bed beside me.

Fuck it.

Friends can text.

Xander: You get home okay?

Emery: Yes dad

Xander: I prefer father

Emery: Okay daddy

Fuck me. This girl. She has no idea what she does to me. What dangerous game she’s playing. That I’m playing. And yet, I know I won’t stop. Not when I can have her in this small way. A way that doesn’t betray my best friend. He would be happy to know the two of us are getting along.

Xander: Don’t be a brat

Emery: I think you like it when I’m a brat

Well, she sure as fuck isn’t wrong about that. Her fire, her confidence, her wit, they’re all things that draw me to her. Things that haven’t always been easy for her to embrace about herself. She used to be so shy. Only really relaxing and letting her true hellfire personality shine when it was only us and her family. Now, I see it more and more, even with others around.

Emery: Who else would put you in your place ?

I can’t help but smirk at the screen, remembering how much satisfaction she had over her little barb in the hospital room.

Xander: And where is that?

Xander: At your feet?

Emery: At my beck and call

My thumbs hover over my screen. So many different ways I could respond, some definitely more inappropriate than others, but I’m not trying to push my luck with her. Something safe, but not boring. Something that will make her smile, even if I don’t get to witness it.

Xander: You’d get tired of me too quickly

Emery: You’re probably right

Xander: Oh sorry, I typed that wrong

Xander: I meant I’d get tired of you too quickly

Emery: Rude!

Xander: What you gonna do about it? Punish me?

Emery: Maybe I will

I can’t stop smiling as we go back and forth. Maybe being friends really is enough. We talk into the night, eventually the conversation taking on new directions as we tell each other our plans for the next day. Unfortunately, all it does is confirm our paths won’t cross.

Maybe I’ll head back home and actually pack up my shit now I don’t have to worry about Torryn anymore. I might even be able to kidnap a couple of the guys to help me out .

When we finally say goodnight I can’t help but look forward to texting her again in the morning.

Being the last person she speaks to at night and the first one in the morning.

Yeah, I’m fucked, but I’m going to keep lying to myself and say it’s cause we’re friends.