17. Zack Dashes Through the Snow

SEVENTEEN

ZACK DASHES THROUGH THE SNOW

I burst through the back door, and wince as the cold slaps me in the face. "Josie!" The snow is coming down so thick and fast that the air is a curtain of white. Panic gnaws at my gut — she's out here without a coat, running off into a Christmas blizzard.

Quickly I turn around and grab two coats hanging by the door. I’m sure Tank and Emma won’t mind if we borrow theirs. I shrug into the larger one and then fold the other under my arm. Then I open the back door again and step out into the storm.

“Josie!” I call her name again but the only response is the hushed whispers of falling snow.

Behind me, there is a sudden muffled cheer. Probably the group toasting Gabe and Sasha’s good news. My eyes close briefly as I bend my head and set off into the snow. The last thing Josie would ever want is to make a scene so I’m sure she’ll be horribly embarrassed about this later. Right now, I just need to find her.

As I walk, I finally see indentations in the snow—a trail of footprints leading away from the house.

It’s cold so I walk as fast as possible, tucking the other coat under my arm so it hopefully won’t get too wet. We were down at the guesthouse earlier since it’s where my mom and Gabe’s mom are staying. Josie probably figured she could go there for some privacy.

Once I get closer, I see her silhouette against the soft glow of the guesthouse lights. My heart breaks at how small she looks, hunched over with her face tucked against the wind.

“Josie, wait!”

She turns at the sound of my voice which gives me a chance to catch up. I immediately settle the coat I’m carrying over her shoulders. She shrugs into it, smiling up at me gratefully.

"Thank you," she whispers. "I ruined Sasha's announcement."

"No one's thinking about that, Josie. We're just worried about you."

Her eyes shimmer with tears as she looks up at me. "Why can't I just be happy with what I have?"

I cup her face with my hands, brushing away the frost that clings to the wisps of hair around her face. "You are happy with what you have. You want to share it, because you're generous, and kind. One of the many reasons I love you."

A bitter laugh escapes her, and she steps back, looking up at the relentless snow. "This isn't the life we envisioned, is it?"

As I stand here with Josie, her hand in mine, the soft crunch of snow under our feet, I think back to all the years when she was a beautiful, unreachable dream. I pushed her away again and again. In my mind, she was Gabe’s girl, a guilty obsession that I planned to carry to my grave.

The day I realized she loved me my heart opened up for the first time.

Now, she’s a dream come to life but everything is falling apart. Despite everything we’ve been through to be together, happiness is still just over the horizon, moving further away every time we get close.

“I wasted years avoiding you. Every time you would come over to see Gabe, it felt like a knife to the heart watching you together.”

Her face softens. “You know nothing ever happened between us.”

“I know. Back then I thought that if I could just show you how much I loved you, that everything would be perfect. We would be together. We would be happy. But nothing is working out like we thought it would.”

She shivers and I grab her hand to lead her toward the porch of the guest house. The cold is biting, but what truly chills me is the fear that maybe our love won't be enough.

"Let’s hope that Deb left the door open, the same way she does at home.” I turn the knob and then sigh in relief when it turns easily.

Inside, the air is fragrant with the lingering scent of chocolate. My mom, Paula, loves to make cookies so I’m sure if we look we can find some treats. We shrug off our coats and hang them on the hooks next to the door. It's quiet, a stark contrast to the chaos of the main house.

“Maybe we should go back,” Josie says. “I should apologize.”

“There will be plenty of time for that later. They're probably in the middle of dinner. Plus, I’m hoping Mom made cookies.”

She laughs. “Cookies for dinner? Sounds like a plan.”

We toe off our shoes before venturing into the living room. The guest house is decorated with the same cozy style as the main cabin, with deep plush sofas and mounds of pillows. I walk through the living room and into the small kitchen. Immediately I see a tin on the counter. When I open it, I grin.

“Snickerdoodles!”

Josie appears at my elbow. “She must have known you would end up here sooner rather than later.”

Knowing my mom, this tin is just one of many. She always hides a batch away, to keep me and Gabe from eating them too fast. So I feel no guilt for snatching four cookies at once.

Josie laughs before taking one for herself. “No matter where we go, some things never change.”

We walk back into the living room and sink down into the welcoming cushions of the couch. After hunting around for a bit, I find the remote and turn on the TV. There’s a black and white holiday movie playing so I leave it there. Josie cuddles up against my side.

"When are you going to get tired, Zack? Tired of waiting for something that might never happen? You could have kids with someone else by now, a whole baseball team."

I lean back so I can see her face. "Is that what you think I want? I want kids because I want them with you ."

She shakes her head, a strand of hair falling across her face. “I know. It’s just that we both expected our lives to be in a really different place by now.”

Truthfully, I’m furious that she thinks my love is so fickle that not having kids could change it. Does she not remember what I went through before we were together? How hard it was to watch her so close, knowing I could never have her?

"When I said I loved you, I didn't mean just during the easy times. I've loved you since I was a teenager, I was just too stupid to tell you. I'm not wasting another second, Josie. I'm here for every moment I can get with you. Good or bad.”

She chuckles. “I wish I had realized how you felt sooner. You weren’t the only stupid one.”

"I didn’t want you to know. When we were teenagers, one of my biggest fears was that one of our moms would lose their jobs. That they wouldn’t be able to afford to keep us together. Actually, ever since I was a kid, one of my biggest fears was being split up from Gabe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If our moms hadn’t been so determined to keep us together, things could have been very different. My mom has some family in North Carolina. What if she’d decided to move us there and Debbie hadn’t wanted to follow? I could have grown up separated from Gabe.”

Her arm tightens around my waist in a quick hug. “I can’t imagine you without Gabe. Or him without you. Can you imagine his ego if you weren’t there to bring him back down to earth every once in a while?”

We both laugh. “I can’t. But I know what that fear of loss can do to a child. Maybe we can't have our own kids, but what if we foster? There are kids out there who are facing what I feared most—being torn away from their siblings."

Her eyes widen, a mix of surprise and something deeper. "Zack, that’s beautiful. You really are full of surprises."

"Life's too short to be predictable," I say, leaning in for a kiss.

With a sigh, she drags a throw blanket over our legs. "This is exactly what I needed. But I am sorry for dragging you away from family on Christmas Eve."

I drop a quick kiss on top of her head. "Josie, you are my family. Wherever you are is where I'm supposed to be."