20. Secrets

Chapter 20

Secrets

A shes.

The cleanest form of human existence.

Free of sin, of despair, of misery.

I've seen a lot of ashes.

In my family, we don't do caskets. Sure, there are graves to visit, tombstones to sob over, fresh-cut grass on which we can lay flowers that wilt and wither. But we let the deceased go; often into the wind. My father believes that nature is the best resting ground.

We've sprinkled ashes all across the country. California for Grandma; she loved Hollywood. Texas for Pops; he was a big Ranger’s fan. I wanted to scatter Daniel in the ocean. I wanted him to be one with the sea. He loved the sea. He loved the idea of the unexplored. Untapped. The mysterious.

But Daniel wasn't my family.

I run a trembling finger along the raised ridges of Daniel's name on his tombstone, my heart aching with guilt. It's been years. Three years since I've stepped through these gates. Penfield Cemetery isn't where he belongs.

He deserved to be free. We talked about it once.

"When I die," Daniel muses quietly, turning toward me on the couch. "I don't want a funeral, okay? No casket, no big event..." He pauses, studying my distraught expression. "I want something simple... Easy."

"Why are you talking to me about dying?" I whisper. "Are you... Are you sick or something?"

"No, no, nothing like that." He smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Jesus, stop frowning, Cami. I'm okay, I promise. It's just...everyone dies. It's part of life. It shouldn't be such a taboo subject."

"You're not allowed to die, Danny," I say, squeezing his thigh. "At least not before me." I swallow hard. "I don't think I could live without you."

"Okay, Pooh-Bear," Danny jokes, kissing my temple. "You can live to be one hundred minus a day." He pulls away. "But I think you'd be fine, Cami." He smiles. "I'd always be with you, you know? Just...in a different way."

A light breeze sends a cooling ripple down my spine as I shift my weight, my knees digging into the damp grass. I'd always be with you . Tears well up in my eyes, my jaw tensing as my gaze flits across the bouquet of fresh sunflowers on his grave. His mother must have been here recently. My heart clenches. Guilt. So much fucking guilt.

"I know you're disappointed in me," I whisper, shaking my head as tears roll down my cheeks. "If you're really here, Danny, if you're really with me... You must be so fucking disappointed in me." I catch my breath, placing a hand on my chest. "Are you watching me, Danny? Are you seeing what I've become?" I close my eyes, soaking in the grass in a flood of guilt. "God, you must hate me. You must fucking hate me."

I know he does. I'm everything he wanted us to run away from. I'm everything he hated.

His judgment haunts me. It's with me every day. It's with me when I wake up in the morning. It's with me when I fall asleep. I can't escape it. I can't let it go.

But I need to let it go.

I need to let him go.

"Pinto... Pinto's gone, Danny." I open my eyes, vision blurry as I suck in a sharp breath. "He passed away last night." I sniffle, wiping my nose on my sleeve. "I'm… I'm going to set him free, Danny. I'm going to set him free in the ocean..." I let out a slow, controlled breath. "He'd like that, right? I think he'd like that.

"Danny..." Resting my palm against his headstone, I whisper in a wavering tone, "I think I need to set you free too..."

I can't pretend anymore. I can't keep putting flimsy bandaids on the growing cracks of my psyche. Nothing helps. Nothing lasts. They always get bigger. They've been growing for years. I'm ready to shatter. I'm ready to fucking explode. It hurts. It hurts every day. But maybe...fucking maybe if I let go...if I finally explode...the pain will stop. The hurting will stop. The agony will fucking stop.

"I'm tired, Danny. I'm so tired. I... I don't want you to be my ghost anymore." My eyelids flutter shut, each crack expanding. "I don't want a ghost, Danny. I'm so sick and tired of your ghost. "

My heart aches in my chest as it pumps him out of my blood, as my heart pushes him through each and every crack.

"I'm so sorry, Danny, but I can't hold on anymore, okay? I..." I ball my hand up into a fist, gripping the hem of my jacket. "I need to say goodbye..." My pulse slows down as the words leave my quivering lips, the taste of salt on my tongue. "I need to move on, Daniel." I swallow. "Please let me."

"He doesn't need to be your ghost, Mils. He can be your angel instead."

My posture stiffens as I jerk my head toward the voice. "What are you doing here?" I ask, clearing my throat as I abruptly stand up, scanning Leo up and down. "Did you follow me here?"

"Frankie said you gave him the day off." Leo scratches the back of his head, looking away sheepishly. "I was worried about you." He pauses, meeting my eyes with hesitation before adding, "He also said Pinto died... Last time someone died you..." He glances at Daniel's grave. "You tried to?—"

"I just wanted to sleep," I state, gritting my teeth. "That's all."

"We both know that's not true, Mils." Leo takes a step toward me, the genuine concern in his stare making me uncomfortable. "You didn't need a full bottle." Pain flashes across his face. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I need you to stop, Leo," I whisper, wiping the drying tears on my cheeks. "Stop acting like you care about me. "

"No, you need to stop, Mils." Leo expels a labored sigh as he cups my chin, his gaze flicking across my frowning face. "Stop pushing me away. Stop…" He shakes his head. "I do care about you. I do." He looks over at the grave again. "Daniel was your ghost, Camilla, but you..." He swallows. "You've been mine."

"And now what?" I ask, pushing his hand away as I take a step back. "You want me to be your angel? Is that what you want?"

"I want you to forgive me, Mils," Leo whispers shamefully. "I shouldn't have left you. I know that, but I can't go back and change the past." He reaches for my left hand, dwarfing it between his palms. "Can we forget the past and...and instead focus on the future." Keeping my gaze, he sinks down on one knee. My eyes widen at the disrespect as he produces a ring. Again. "I will never leave you again, Camilla. I will stay with you always. Marry me."

"Jesus fucking Christ," I mutter, shaking my head in utter disbelief. "Are you seriously that delusional?"

"But..." Leo frowns, glancing up at me, his brows marring. "But you said goodbye..."

"Goodbye doesn't always mean hello," I say, scowling at him. "Who... What…?" I blow a gust of incredulous air out my mouth, unable to follow his thought process. I click my tongue. "For fuck's sake, can you please stand up and put that thing away?"

Leo blinks up at me. "You're saying no?'

I flap my hand against my side. "Are you... Did you hit your head on something, Leo? Did you fall?" I tilt my head. "Like, I'm seriously asking you. Did you fall? "

Leo clears his throat as he props himself upright. "You only have a few days left, Camilla," he says in a flat tone, clearly wounded by my rejection. "The Council's getting impatient. You're going to have to make a decision soon."

"I'm aware," I say as my phone vibrates. I smile, reading a text from Hayden.

The Doc

Made reservations at Blue Lagoon. 7 PM. Don't be late.

I type out a quick reply.

Camilla

I like it when you're bossy.

Instant reply.

The Doc

You haven't seen bossy, Miss Bianco.

Camilla

Ooo... I'm shaking in my boots. See you in a couple of hours, Doctor.

"Who was that?" Leo asks with a grunt.

"No one," I say with a shrug, pocketing my phone. "I have to get going now, so I'll see you later, I'm sure." I scowl at him. "And stop following me, okay? It's getting creepy."

Leo's gaze hardens. "Will you be at the club later tonight?"

"No," I say with a sigh. "I have plans tonight. "

"With who?" he asks, raising a brow.

I cross my arms. "None of your business."

"You know..." Leo licks his lips, a contemplative twitch in his eye. "You've been MIA from the club a lot recently. Any reason in particular?"

"Therapy," I say shamelessly, getting tired of this interaction. "I've been going to therapy."

"Therapy? Really?" Leo blinks. "What kind of therapist works nights?"

"The kind that gets paid really, really well," I state, annoyance flaring. "Are we done here now?"

Leo shoots me a suspicious glare. "You're hiding something, Camilla. I can sense it."

"Really?" I let out a low laugh. "And what am I hiding?"

"I don't know..." Leo purses his lips, giving me a careful once over. "But you seem...different."

"Different, huh?" I hum, giving him a shady pat on the shoulder as I head toward the exit of the cemetery. "That's good I guess because you? You look just the same to me."

"Secrets never stay secrets long, Mils," Leo calls out after me. "Whatever you're hiding, I'll find out."

I roll my eyes, flashing him the middle finger as I walk toward the parking lot.

God, what a headache.

I'm well aware that I'm postponing the inevitable. In three days, Malik will need an answer. The Council will need answers. Do I have an answer? Nope. But I'm the boss. Me. And honestly? I don't want to partner with Malik. I don't want to run guns. It's dangerous, and it's risky. The Council wants more power. More power means more enemies. We have plenty of enemies. Our enemies are everywhere. We grow and they grow.

It's the circle of crime.

I don't want more ashes.

I don't need any more ghosts.

But this is tomorrow's problem. Tonight? Tonight I'll pretend that the fate of my world is in someone else's hands. Tonight, I'm playing dress-up. I'm dressing up as a woman. A normal girl. A girl who has a date. A date with destiny.

"Cami! Are you here?" Zoey hollers from my living room as I slip into a black cocktail dress. "Cami!"

"Bedroom," I shout back, adjusting the spaghetti straps. Zoey peeks her head through the door, and I grin at her. "How do I look?"

"Amazing," she says, chewing on her bottom lip as she taps the tablet in her hand. "What's the special occasion?"

"I have a date," I say, taking a deep breath. It doesn't hurt to breathe right now. Odd.

"With, umm..." Zoey swallows. "With Hayden?"

"Yes," I say, grabbing a compact and patting the soft plush pad on my chin. "With Hayden."

"Cami..." Zoey takes a tentative step toward me, meeting my eyes in the reflection of the mirror. "You need to see this."

"What? "

"Well, remember that facial recognition software I've been working on?" she asks and I nod warily. "Well, it's finished. I, uh, well, I managed to piggyback off a few government servers and..." She hands me her tablet slowly, almost afraid to pass it off. "Here, just look..."

"What is it?" I ask, unlocking the screen.

My heart stops as I stare at the picture on the screen.

No.

"Is that..." I trail off, zooming into the professional headshot.

"It's Hayden," Zoey confirms. "He's a..."

I guess Leo was right.

Secrets don't stay secret for long.

He's a fucking fed?