12. The Songbird

Moonlight fades with the night sky as I sit, unmoving, on a boulder that should give me an excellent view of the sunrise. Facing East, I think about my life. About everything I wanted to do and never will. I will never run my own project for a massive campaign for a company. I will never get married. I will never have kids. In a while, after they are done trying to find me in the lake and resign themselves to the fact that the car being there means I am dead, they’ll be right. My parents will mourn, but with no body to bury.

Where are you?

Words seem to whisper across my mind, but they sound like Oz. I shake my head and listen. That can’t be right. I must hear him calling, looking for me.

I have no desire to see him. To speak to him.

He lied.

He knows more than he’s letting on. I always had a feeling that he was keeping something from me. They all are. Never did I think it would be this huge. Did he stage all of this? Was he behind my accident? Trusting he could save me in time to turn me into a vampire like him?

So many questions, not enough answers, and not enough time. I can sense dawn’s approach. An hour, though it seems like weeks, has passed since I returned to our home in the mountains. One more to go by the looks of things.

“WREN!”

I definitely hear him now. He is close, too close. I instinctively want to call back, so he can comfort me, tell me this is all in my head, and mean it. I focus my thoughts on the sun to restrain myself, and I give nothing away. I will not give in to desire and reveal myself.

“Damn it, Wren! Where the fuck are you?” He sounds more scared than angry.

Scared that I discovered his plot, and that I know he betrayed me.

Just like Spence.

“Wren, please, it was a mistake. We all know you didn’t mean to kill him. It was just an accident. Please, let me help you.” More excuses for my behavior. More ignoring the fact that this whole thing is a setup. He doesn’t know I remember. I know he will find me. His voice is getting closer still. I can leave, but I don’t want to abandon the spot I’ve chosen to die. It’s so beautiful here.

It was a mistake. I scoff. How naive does he think I am?

Crashing to my left tells me he is here and has finally found me.

“Little bird.” He runs to me, hugging me, kissing my unmoving lips still covered in Spencer’s blood. “I was so worried. Please, come with me. The sun will rise soon, and you need your rest.”

He tries to tug my arm, but I don’t move.

The joy of finding me evaporates from his face.

“Wren?” He crouches before me, his eyes searching mine. “Wren, talk to me, beautiful. What’s going on?”

Beautiful?

Me?

The murderer.

I close my eyes in pain.

It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fucking fair.

I am a good person. I don’t deserve this. Tears stream down my cheeks, and my voice finally finds purchase in my throat.

“You lied.” I let acid sizzle on the words. “You told me all this, finding me, saving me. It was an accident.”

“It wa-”

“QUIT FUCKING LYING TO ME!” I scream at him, standing in my righteous anger.

His mouth stops moving, eyes wide as he rises to stand with me. Good, he is afraid I can hurt him. I want to hurt him.

No, I don’t.

I only want to hurt myself.

“You knew. You knew I was vulnerable and that you could save me. You made us crash. So that you can play the hero.” I accuse him of it all. Every last bit of it is an orchestrated part of his master plan. I don’t care how ridiculous it sounds. “And then, what joy you must’ve felt that I had no memory. Fear of me leaving to go back to my life was gone.”

Silence falls. He doesn’t deny it. Oh, I can see the cogs turning. He is trying to figure out how to lie his way out of this one.

Oz kneels on the forest floor before me, reaching for my hand, but I pull it out of his reach, relishing the hurt look on his face.

Suffer. I think.

He flinches.

“Wren,” his voice is cautious. “I swear to you, none of this was planned. Nothing was set up. I never even saw you until I met you at the store.” Sincerity is woven through each word as it falls from his mouth. He’s good, I’ll give him that. “I chased after you because I saw Spencer was driving recklessly. I could hear you begging him to slow down, I could hear his rage at you, and I worried for your safety. When I heard the crash, I rushed to the lake and saw Spencer pulling himself from the water.”

I don’t believe him.

It’s all too convenient.

Too coincidental.

I don’t believe in coincidences.

“That was when I heard you. I didn’t just hear you shouting. I heard you in my mind. You were desperate, panicked. I hurried to you as fast as I could, and I was almost too late. Your heart stopped. You were dead. I was drawn to you, and I belonged to you already. I loved you the moment we met in the store. I couldn’t just let you die so I saved you, knowing it could make you hate me one day.”

“What do you mean you heard me in your head?” More lies?

“Some vampires… can communicate through a bond between them. Emotions mainly, but sometimes direct thoughts. I’ve never heard of it happening with a human, but it did.” I can tell he wants to look away from me. He doesn’t want me to see his guilt, his shame. This is something he’s been holding back from me. Instead, he maintains eye contact. I enjoy his discomfort.

“You’ve heard me since then?” Spying on my thoughts?

Oz nods and I am disgusted with him.

“I don’t try to listen on purpose. I keep out of your head as much as I can. I only heard a few things that you were practically shouting.” He is almost begging me to hear him out, forgive him, and understand him. “I didn’t tell you because, in my world, this would mean we are mates. You were already trying to figure out your past, and I didn’t want to put that on you.”

Well, what a fucking gentleman.

Rising from the boulder, I pull away.

I am so tired of his bullshit.

Exasperated at his constant need to protect me from what, love? I glare at him. I’m not some delicate flower that needs saving all the time.

Pacing, the crunch of old fallen leaves beneath my feet, I try to make it make sense.

Okay, he didn’t want to push the relationship on me. Fine.

That tracks with his behavior. The cave. He avoided me at first.

It explains why he saved me. I had wanted to die, I had wanted to disappear into nothing. I stopped fighting and let it have me. It called to me then, like it calls to me now.

Oz rises and takes my hand with such speed that he won’t let go even as I jerk it back. His other hand grasps my chin and forces me to look at him. “I would rather you hate me forever than let you slip away into nothingness.”

My eyes narrow at him. He’s listening again, my thoughts aren’t safe. “Even if that part is true, that doesn’t explain Spencer!”

Confusion colors his expression as he regards me. “I didn’t know it was your ex until I found you. I didn’t know who died tonight. He was just some human passing by the bar Charlee frequents. Terrible luck.”

I yank myself away from him. I can’t take the lying anymore, and it’s tearing me apart.

Wren… Oz’s thoughts are pleading with me.

“Get out of my fucking head!” I demand.

Wren, please, listen to my thoughts. You’ll find the truth here.

So this thing works both ways. I can get in his head as well. I stare at him. I still feel such rage, like my blood is boiling. Layers and layers down, beneath that, is desperation. Desperate that I can believe him.

“Fine.” I concede and close the distance between us. I don’t know how this works, but I will try. I figure eye contact and maybe physical touch can’t hurt. I take Oz’s face in my hands and stare into his piercing blue eyes. How can I be this mad and still want to get lost in there?

It turns out that slipping into his mind is incredibly easy.

I was intentionally keeping you out before.

His voice is a whisper that dances in my head. I can feel him. I can sense his pain as he sees how tortured I am by what has happened. I can feel his love for me, deeper and more profound than I imagined. I can tell how difficult it was for him to maintain his distance initially. Above all, I can feel the absolute pure truth in his mind now that he has given me his final secret—the mate bond.

Oz has been fighting it for so long, doing everything he could to make sure it didn’t influence our time together. He is powerless against the physical draw it has on us both. The bond calls to be sealed, and the only way it can is if…

Oh.

That’swhy he took sex off the table but was content with other sexual acts. He didn’t want to seal it until I was aware of it.

It isn’t just sex that is needed. We both have to acknowledge it and share our blood and our bodies. Our minds will see every single part of each other. We would know every aspect of our mate, the bad with the good. He didn’t want to risk that happening until I was truly prepared for it.

Until I chose it.

Until I chose him.

So damn noble all the time. It’s incredibly annoying.

And I can’t help but fucking love him for it.

Bonding isn’t especially common, and Oz has been around for seven centuries, only having seen it a handful of times. When it happens, it’s just once, just the one time. It’s a pull you feel to the other person. A desire for closeness, for love. It’s like finding another piece of your soul you didn’t know was missing. You can function without it, sure, but it feels so much better to have it.

It is pure, it is true.

And it hurts me so much.

Tears blur my vision, and he pulls me to him. “I will never lie to you again, Wren. I swear it on everything.” I believe him. I believe him, and that makes it worse. I can’t stand feeling how much he loves me right now. How he sees me, not when I’m disgusting. I push our minds apart, withdrawing into my own, and my turmoil welcomes me.

“I’m a monster,” I whisper against him. He rocks me back and forth, shushing me, muttering about accidents and intentions again. It is getting so close to sunrise. “I want to die.” My voice sounds small and far away. Oz stiffens.

“No, Wren.” As if I had asked his permission.

“You can’t make me live,” I said, pulling back. “You chose this life for me, and it’s my decision if I keep it.”

He looks like I hit him.

“No, love.” His voice is calming. “I can’t make you live, but I will die trying.” I roll my eyes at him. “I’m serious, we’re in this together.”

“We aren’t doing anything. I am going to sit here and let the sun rise.” My eyes are on the horizon. It’s almost time. “You should get back.”

Oz settles himself on my rock, eying the pink beginning to form in the distance. “I think I’ll stay with you.” His voice is gentle and soothing, and he takes my hand and pulls me onto his lap. I should resist, but there is nowhere I’d rather be than in his arms.

“Oz, please, I don’t want you to die. You’re not the monster here. I believe you now, but I’m a murderer. I deserve this, not you.” My words are coming quickly, panicked. I don’t want Oz to go with me. This is supposed to be something I do alone.

He has to live.

I love him.

Brushing his fingers against my cheek, he pulls me close. “Forever is worthless if you aren’t with me.” His lips graze mine ever so lightly.

“Please,” my voice is hushed and breathy. How am I getting aroused as we sit here contemplating suicide? While I am covered with the blood of my ex? “Please go.”

“Not without you.” I can feel the determination he has. He won’t leave me. I have to go with him.

“Why?” Why will he sacrifice himself alongside me?

Because I love you. He traces the words across my mind.

“Because what happened back there has happened to almost every vampire.” Lips lead soft kisses down my neck.

“Because the blood lust wins out sometimes, and it doesn’t make you evil, it doesn’t make you bad. It makes you try to do better next time.” He brings my hand to his lips and kisses the tips of my fingers.

“Because you don’t want to die, Wren. You tried to get out of the water. You fought like hell to live. I’m asking you to do the same thing one more time.” His exploring hands brush against the curve of my breasts, and I moan.

My eyes widen, and he presses his lips against mine. I can feel his yearning. His agony. I can tell he never wants to be without me. My heart bursts with longing, desire, and the need to be whole. His lips move to my neck as he pins me to the rock beneath us. He moans as I arch my back into him. He tastes me and the remnants of my atrocity.

The fire he ignites in me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt, and I realize how fucking stupid I’ve been. What would be the point in staging this when just speaking to me would’ve guaranteed I’d fall for him? Why would Charlee trick me into eating my ex when it could freak me out like it did? She wouldn’t. But more importantly…

Why die?

I am back in the car again, upside down, water rising.

Like a spectator, I watch myself struggle to escape the car. I see my feeble attempts to swim to the surface. I hadn’t given in to the nothing. I fought against it until I couldn’t anymore. I see the mistake that cost me everything, and I die. Oz gave that back to me. He saved me.

He killed me and made me a vampire to keep me alive.

My head is spinning.

He saved me from being nothing, he saved me again from dark terror. Now he’s trying to save me from the sun.

I am going to let him.

“Let’s go back,” I breathe, wanting to run from this place. “Quickly, before the sun comes up.”

Still panting from our kisses, Oz looks to the East. “It’s too late, my love.”

I am terrified, but he lets me drown in him even as my fear claws its way to the surface. Lips bruise mine, and he forces his tongue against mine. We will go out together in a flame of passion. I can tell when the sun breaks over the horizon. I can feel the light creep toward us faster than I imagined possible. Suddenly, it washes over us, and I tremble, clutching onto Oz like he is my life raft.

Nothing happens.

Oz and I pull apart as I open my eyes and take in the world around me. The sun shines, and birds and other animals stir for the day, while the evening creatures slumber. I look up at Oz, my eyes searching, only to find him smiling and staring back at me.

I frown.

I want to slap that damn smirk off his face.