13. Kellen

Chapter 13

Kellen

After Noella left, Kellen sat in his shower for an hour, letting the frigid water pelt his chest, to cool off from Noella’s dream and their confrontation, trying to deal with his unwanted erection. He hadn’t lied to her—he’d played no part in contributing to her erotic fantasy of them in the hallway. He’d been sucked into the reverie against his will, though she was right that he could have easily left the dream if he wanted to, which he didn’t. He felt every single moment of that fantasy as if it were truly happening, every touch, every graze of her nails on his flesh. He devoured every moan of hers that tasted like the sweetest honey. The flavor of her lingered in his mouth and became a permanent stain, a savor he hadn’t been able to remove even with toothpaste, though his toothbrush scrubbed his tongue raw. As much as he tried to pretend the vision hadn’t affected him, his body insisted on remaining connected to the parts of her left within him.

She’d been right in the dream. Noella hadn’t surrendered. Kellen had been the one to submit to her, to drop to his knees and worship her as though she were the only Goddess he would ever believe in. It left him with a feeling like he’d been cursed by the Gods, that he would forever find himself in this cycle of fighting and yielding to her, that her existence would continue to plague him and fester inside him until he rotted from the inside out. He couldn’t tell anymore if she was meant to be his savior or his executioner.

Finally, somehow, Kellen found the strength to drag himself out of the shower, making peace with the fact that he might never be able to wash the feel of Noella off him. He reached for one of his crisp white button downs—he’d laughed in his head when Noella asked him the night of The Dow if he wore the same shirt everyday—then found himself deserting the shirt he would normally wear to work, reaching instead for a reddish-purple crewneck sweater. He’d just buttoned his grey slacks and was slipping his feet into loafers when a knock pounded against his door.

Noella? was where his brain flew first.

She left for work thirty minutes ago. You heard her lock her door. Weak. You’re fucking weak, he chastised himself, yet found his hands wiping against his slacks to sluice the sweat accumulating there. He may have even checked his hair in the mirror before approaching the door.

The face he met was not the human who’d been occupying his thoughts—it was Daniel Madix.

“What are you—”

Kellen wasn’t allotted time to finish his sentence before Daniel’s fist came barreling into Kellen’s face.

Kellen’s shock prevented him from dodging the blow, so the ball of crunched fingers slammed into his eye and clouted him to the ground, the blow reverberating through his skull where it collided with the wooden floorboards. He was just about to stand when Daniel’s shoe swung between his legs, directly into his already sensitive dick. It felt like a muscle spasm combined with having the wind knocked out of his gut combined with a million broken bones shattering at once.

“ Dude ,” Kellen groaned in agony, rolling onto his side. He squeezed his thighs together to prevent Daniel from repeating the gesture. “What the fuck?”

“How could you do that to Oliviana?” Daniel growled, face flushed with ire.

“You’re going to have to be specific about what it is you think I did, so I know exactly what she told you.”

“You dumped her after she came back from Terminus! Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? She spent three days being tortured beyond compare by the Gods, only to come home and be dumped by you. You’re a fucking asshole, Kellen.”

“ That’s what you’re so upset about?” Once the crippling pain between his legs subsided, Kellen could finally press up off the floor and rise, his legs a little shaky. “What? Would you have rather me continue seeing her even when my heart wasn’t in it? How would that have been fair to Oliviana?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have fucked her at all ,” Daniel snarled.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have. I own that. And alright, maybe my timing wasn’t stellar, but I couldn’t keep pretending with her, Dan. She deserves better. She deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her, like you. I did you a favor, so I don’t know why the fuck you’re coming in here, gun’s blazing.”

“Because you’re supposed to be my friend, and this whole time, you’ve been fucking her!”

“You knew I was fucking her! This isn’t news to you!” This is why Kellen rejected friendship. This is why he was content to spend all his time with Jarion and Laya and never work to develop any connections beyond that. The act of caring about someone was too fucking dramatic for his limited patience.

Don’t be an asshole, Noella’s voice warned in his thoughts.

Will you ever leave my head? he asked the voice. Kellen exhaled a conceding breath after receiving no response.

“I’m sorry for hurting her, Dan. I’m sorry for hurting you. I fucked up, and I’ll admit that. Don’t waste your time fighting me. Go be there for her. I’ve given you a chance here, so don’t blow it.”

“Fuck you,” Daniel spat, a clump of spittle soaring into Kellen’s now damaged eye. “Don’t act like a fucking martyr or like you did any of this to help me. I don’t need you, Kellen. I don’t want you. As far as I’m concerned, you and I are no longer friends. You’re fucking dead to me.”

Kellen opened his mouth to respond, but Daniel spun on his heel and stormed out of the apartment.

He left Kellen’s door ajar just to fuck with him.

Kellen shouldn’t have cared. He’d never cared before. He’d always thought he simply tolerated Daniel for the sake of getting through the day, but maybe, somewhere deeply submerged in his subconscious, there was some genuine affection there. Maybe, when he’d stopped Daniel from attacking Noella, he really had acted in defense of a friend, not just a colleague. Daniel and Kellen grew up together, stuck by each other through their studies at Delmarth, attended Nosrerry together and climbed the ranks of Delmarth as instructors to become department heads together. That history wasn’t entirely insignificant, despite what Kellen told himself most days. This was a rude reminder that he wasn't completely unfeeling, which became impossible to deny with the way his heart was squirming in his chest, stinging from the loss of someone he may’ve actually cared for.

Tuck it away, he told himself, catching a glimpse of his swollen eye in the mirror, his blood settling near the wound in preparation for a bruise to mar his brown skin. He doesn’t matter. This feeling will pass. Focus on Jarion and Laya. They’re all that matters.

For some reason, Kellen’s eyes wandered to the still open door, landing on Noella’s door across the hall.

He shook off whatever feeling twitched in his gut and headed out for the day.

Ella: I need your help with something. Can you come to my office?

Akio: On my way.

Five minutes later, Akio sauntered into Ella’s office, blue-black hair gelled off his forehead. The lack of hair framing his features somehow made him appear more harsh, the lines of his face resembling razor blades.

His smile, however, was pure sugar and kindness.

“Good morning, Rosie,” he crooned in a cheerful melody, employing the nickname he’d taken to calling her.

“Too loud,” she groaned, rubbing her temples with the tips of her fingers. “I haven’t fully woken up yet.”

“Awe, did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”

“You have no idea,” Ella muttered, her words fractured in the middle by a yawn. She leaned her backside against the edge of her desk. “How do you always have such a good attitude in the morning?”

“It helps to have a wife who insists on being thoroughly fucked before she leaves for work in the morning.”

“Damn. I feel bad for your neighbors.” Akio laughed.

“What did you call me down for?”

Ella toyed with a loose thread at the end of her cream white sweater. “I need you to put up a mental shield in my mind so Kellen Kilic can’t peek around in my head anymore.” The smile vanished from Akio’s face.

“What did he do?” he growled, brown eyes clouded with indignation. “Did he do something to you?” Ella twisted the strand of cashmere between her fingers so she didn’t have to make eye contact with Akio.

“Yes. And no. It’s…I don’t really know how to explain what happened.” Akio looked her over, searching for signs of external and internal wounds. “He didn’t hurt me. I just don’t want him to have the ability to enter my head anymore. Can you do that?”

“I can try, though that’s not really what my powers are.”

Ella was curious about the details of Akio’s Cerebri gifts, but she didn’t know if he’d share them. Akio surprised and delighted her by going on to say, “My Cerebri abilities manifest as extrasensory perception, essentially perceiving information without gaining it through physical senses. Could be through telepathy and reading thoughts, but mostly I receive information in the form of a vision, either about future events or events at remote locations.”

“So you’re clairvoyant?” Akio nodded. “Do you receive visions at random?”

“No. I receive them if I concentrate on a certain person or place. I need to be seeking that information out, but even then, the answers I receive are never a full picture, probably the Gods intercepting in some form.”

“So no one can gain enough power to rival them,” Ella extrapolated, remembering their conversation about the Gods from The Dow. Ella’s nose wrinkled. “You already know what I think about that.”

“Yes, you’ve been very vocal about your disdain for the Gods, Rosie. Subtlety is not your strong suit.”

She stuck her tongue out at him.

“Could you use your extrasensory perception to see if there’s any way to shut Kellen out of my head permanently?”

“I can definitely try.” Akio slid his hands out of his pockets and stepped towards her, his fingers hovering near her face, silently asking for permission to touch her. Ella smiled at the respectful gesture, then bobbed her head in agreement. Akio pressed the pads of his fingers into her temples and shut his eyes, his features scrunching up in deep contemplation. He then winced. “That’s weird,” Akio muttered to himself.

“What’s weird?” Ella squeaked.

“I sense Kellen inside your head. Curdles of his magical imprint are entrenched within the tissue of your brain. It’s like he’s left a trace of his power to leave the doorway to your mind open.”

Ella shuddered. “That is not a comforting mental image.”

“He shouldn’t be able to do that when he’s not in your direct vicinity. His Cerebri abilities must be far more potent then he lets on.” Akio sounded like he was analyzing evidence before coming to a conclusion about something.

“Can you remove whatever trace of him is there?” Akio’s lips twisted in an odd shape.

“No. I’m sorry, Ella, but his powers are different than mine. I can try to gain a vision about how you might be able to remove it, but I can’t remove it myself. Would you like me to try that?”

“Yes, please. Thank you for doing this.”

“Of course. I want my friend to be protected.” Ella’s chest warmed as she watched Akio’s eyes flutter shut, his lashes dancing across his cheeks and sending soft shadows over his creamy complexion. He was silent for a long moment, wrinkles crinkling his flesh from the way his brows pulled together, rippling with concentration.

All of a sudden, Akio gasped, yanking his hands away from her forehead and stumbling back from her. His expression was wild, a maelstrom of surprise and fear as he stared at Ella like he didn’t recognize her.

“Akio? What’s wrong? What did you see?”

“I…I’m sorry. I need to go.” Akio turned on his heel and stalked to the door, throwing sloppily over his shoulder, “I’ll catch you later, El.”

Ella was left alone in her office with her hands extended towards her friend, who was no longer there.

“O…Okay?” she spoke to the nothingness now filling her office. What the fuck just happened?

The door to her office creaked open before Jarion poked his head through the crack. She quickly schooled her facial features into one of welcoming warmth, shoving her confusion over Akio’s actions into a box she could reopen later. She beckoned Jarion into her office with a wave of her hand. A female straggled in after him, long black hair embracing small shoulders, those same emerald eyes that belonged to both Jarion and Kellen twinkling at her as the young Primordial lifted her hand in a tiny wave at Ella. Jarion tossed his backpack onto Ella’s couch, then shed his jacket.

He swiveled so his back faced her and pulled the collar of his t-shirt down, allowing Ella to see his spotless back—well, unblemished of staples. It was certainly not an untarnished back, with a constellation of faded scars sketching a swirled pattern across the fragile brown flesh, disappearing into the parts of his back still concealed by his shirt. Once she’d gotten a good look, he fixed his shirt to cover himself.

“Can I go now?” Jarion spat.

“How’re you feeling today, Jarion?” Ella knew her promise to Kellen, but that wouldn’t stop her from asking a probing question masqueraded as a polite pleasantry. If Jarion deigned to answer her and it sparked an actual conversation about what was troubling him, Kellen couldn’t blame her for that.

“Like I’m walking on a fucking cloud.” Jarion flashed a sardonic, toothy smile that revealed a hint of fangs, then let the artificial grin fade into the gloomy frown he perpetually wore. “Can I go now?” Ella sighed. She’d get through to him eventually. She wouldn’t give up that easily.

“Yes, you can go. Be back here first thing tomorrow.”

Jarion started for the door, then paused when he realized his sister hadn’t moved with him.

“Laya?” he asked, signaling with his head for them to exit. Laya dithered, her eyes swinging between Jarion and Ella.

“I’m going to stay a moment,” she decided, receiving a wide-eyed look from her brother.

“Are you sure?” he whispered. Laya nodded, then shooed him away with a swipe of her hand through the air. “Alright. Your funeral, Laylie,” Jarion shot at her, then shut the door behind him.

Once alone, Laya rotated to face Ella. “You must be Ms. Rose.”

“And you must be Laya. Would you like to sit down?” Laya hesitated, then nodded, sinking onto the mustard yellow cushions of Ella’s couch. Ella hauled her office chair around the circumference of her desk, positioned it across from Laya, and took a seat in the plush leather, arranging her legs off to the side. “What can I do for you?” Laya stared down at her tangled fingers in her lap.

“I don’t know what my brother told you…my big brother. Well, both my brothers, actually.” Laya loosed a shaky laugh, pulling at her fingers. She must’ve felt Ella’s eyes on her because she raised her head, cautious green meeting hospitable grey, their gazes clashing in the center of the room. “My brother would kill me if he knew I was here…well, not really. It’s Kell. He wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

Yeah right! Ella screamed in her head. Externally, her expression was one of serene empathy.

“He told us not to talk to you.” Ella worked overtime to control her reaction. Don’t let your anger show on your face, Ella. “I would trust Kellen with my life…I have trusted him with my life, but I just don’t think he’s right about this one. I’m watching the person I love most in the world disappear before my eyes, and there’s nothing I can do to help him. The only person who possibly could is you.” Laya’s eyes overflowed with tears. “ Please, Ms. Rose. Please. I need you to help my brother. I need you to help Jarion. I don’t care what Kellen said to you. I need you to help him.”

“I have every intention of helping your brother,” Ella assured Laya, the young Primordial choking on a sob, dissolving into a river of tears on Ella’s couch. Ella extended to Laya a box of tissues, which the female grabbed with eager fingers. Ella inclined her head to the side, then said gently, “I’d like to help you too, Laya.”

“I’m fine,” Laya insisted, smudging her tears with the tissue. “I don’t need anything.”

“I hear you say that, but I’m seeing something different in front of me. There are a lot of emotions in your eyes.”

Laya gulped. “What do you see when you look at me?” Ella took a moment to craft her words with care.

“A lot of pain you’re holding in.” Laya’s bottom lip trembled, a tiny whimper leaking free along with a stream of tears. “Your dragon is beginning to emerge too, right? What have you experienced so far?”

“I think I’m starting to taste fire.” Laya sniffled, blowing her nose into the tissue. “It’s been making me sick. I can’t eat anything without throwing it up. The only thing that works is liquids, but not so much.”

“I can imagine you’d feel very weak if you’re not taking in enough nutrients.” Laya crumpled her tissue into a ball as she nodded.

“There’s not really much I can do about that, though. Once my fire fully emerges, I’ll be able to control it so it won’t affect the taste of food, but while it’s sparking, I’ve got to get used to the soot in my mouth. I just miss food. I miss chocolate. I miss mashed potatoes. I could eat mashed potatoes for every meal.”

“Me too,” Ella agreed, earning a tiny smile from Laya. “Is it just when you eat that you taste the fire, or have there been any other indications of your fire emerging?”

“I felt flames in the back of my throat last night.” Laya swallowed at the memory, then fidgeted on the couch.

“Tell me what happened last night.”

“Kellen barged into our dorm room to confront Jarion about the staples. I haven’t seen him that upset in years. Not since the night he got me and Jare away from our parents.” A haunted look annexed her face, but she shook it off, literally shook her shoulders to shake off the memory, then continued speaking. “He told Jarion that he didn’t want him speaking to you. I felt this rush of something hot shoot up my throat. It felt like heartburn, but in my mouth, if that makes sense.” Laya snickered at her own description. Very quickly, Laya tempered the laughter and returned to her original thought. “I had to clamp my teeth together to keep the fire from coming out.”

“What were you feeling when that fire sparked?” Laya’s fingers squeezed into a fist, shredding the tissue in her grip.

“Angry,” she answered. “It didn’t make sense to me why he was cutting Jarion off from speaking to someone who could help him. Jarion may be going through some shit, but he idolizes Kellen. If Kellen told him to jump, he’d ask how high, even if he hates himself for it. Kellen has devoted his entire life to ensuring mine and Jarion’s safety, even at his own expense. He doesn’t talk about it, but I know what he’s given up to be there for us, to raise us. The way he was acting last night was so different from my big brother. He was so…unsympathetic. But after Jarion left, I talked to him more, so I understand now. He’s scared. He’s scared our mother will try to take us from him if either of us work with you in any capacity. He knows you’re the only person who could help Jarion. He said it last night. He knows you’re great at your job. He’s just so scared of our mom that it’s blinding him from seeing what could be best for Jare.”

He said I was great at my job?

Ella, that’s the least important thing she just said. You’re being ridiculous. Snap out of it and focus.

“How did it feel for you to see your brother scared like that?” Laya pouted.

“It made me sad. Kellen has always been the pillar of strength for me and Jare. When I was younger, I thought Kell was a God. He was so perfect. So loving. So strong. He’s been my savior all my life, even before he was my literal savior. It never occurred to me that he has his own feelings under all that strength and power.”

“Seeing him scared brought him closer to your level,” Ella paraphrased. Laya’s eyes twinkled in agreement.

“Yeah! It reminded me that he’s not a God. He’s not perfect.”

“Does that change the way you view him?” Laya considered the question carefully before answering.

“Yes and no. No in the sense that it doesn’t make me love him less. Yes in the sense that it makes me question now if his way of doing things is the right way. Before this, I’ve always just followed his lead. I’ve always trusted that he knew best. Now…now, I don’t know.” Laya squirmed as if the thought made her uneasy.

“You’re entering a time in your life that’s meant for you to discover your identity,” Ella said, leaning back in her chair. “You’re coming into your own, in both an emotional sense and in a literal sense, through your Varmin form emerging. That should come with a certain amount of independence and exploration. This questioning of right and wrong that you’re experiencing is normal at your age.”

“I don’t like it. I want to go back.” Ella smiled at the diminutive, playful smirk curling up the corner of Laya’s mouth.

“What is it you want to go back to?” Ella questioned.

“The protection of having someone take care of everything and always trusting that they know best.” Laya fidgeted. “My parents never provided that for me. It was always Kellen. I don’t like sitting with the thought that he might not be able to provide that either, cause then who does? How do you feel safe in the world?”

“It doesn’t mean he can’t provide that. It doesn’t mean he’s always wrong. You’re just beginning to see that you can participate in your own protection.”

“Huh.” Laya leaned back on the couch. She beamed, her beautiful visage illuminated in a wide grin. “I like that! I can be my own protection. I never thought of it that way.” Ella gifted Laya a moment to let the thought marinade inside her before propelling the conversation in a different direction.

“You said Kellen is afraid your mother will try to take you and Jarion away from him. Are you scared of that happening?”

“Until last night, I didn’t even know that was possible. I knew she tried to come on campus at the start of the year, but Kellen never told us why, just that security didn’t allow her access and he’d been working with an attorney to issue a restraining order against her. She finished her probation last year, so technically, there’s nothing barring her from coming for us now, though Kellen won’t let that happen. I know if I ask him to tell me more, he won’t. He tries so hard to protect us, to his own detriment.” It was hard for Ella to remember that the girl in front of her was only twelve-years-old. She spoke way beyond her years, with a maturity that Ella knew far too intimately, the kind that accompanies unparalleled hardship. “Jare doesn’t know what Kellen told me last night. He was so angry at Kellen that if he even heard a mention of our mother, it would’ve been his final straw. I’ve been trying to keep Jarion’s environment as calm as possible to help encourage him to release his wings. Maybe if he feels safe enough, he won’t hold back.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility for you to take on.” Laya shrugged.

“It’s what we do,” she said with finality. “It’s what we’ve always done. We learned it from Kellen. Kellen gave his life for us. He surrendered his dream future to take on the mantle of being our legal guardian. I can’t let that sacrifice be in vain. We owe each other the same devotion in return.”

Ella’s thoughts temporarily wandered to Rylee. That same feeling drenched her bones. She would spend her entire life attempting to recompense Rylee for all she did to save her, and it would never be enough.

“I think there’s a universe where you can hold all of what your brothers feel, while also making space for what you need,” Ella encouraged. “It doesn’t mean abandoning your family. It doesn’t mean you need to lose that empathetic side of you that makes you such a good sister. There is nothing wrong with being there for your brother, for both your brothers. It just means holding room for yourself too, giving yourself the same love and attention that you give to your brothers. That may mean following your instincts and going against what your big brother says if you believe that’s the right thing to do. That may mean figuring out who you and accepting it may differ from what you’ve always thought you wanted. It means making space to listen to your needs just as much as you attend to theirs.”

Laya frowned. “That sounds so selfish.”

“Selfishness is defined as concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. Taking care of yourself is different than putting yourself above someone else. It doesn’t mean you don’t care for others to care for yourself. In both our dimensions, apparently, we have all been conditioned to think that prioritizing our needs or setting boundaries is a selfish thing to do, but it’s not. Putting yourself first is not selfish, Laya. It’s necessary, and it can help you be more selfless to others.” Laya’s eyes glimmered before she let her lips form a small smile.

“I want to keep seeing you,” Laya said in a nervous voice, as if she feared being rejected by Ella.

“You are absolutely welcome to begin counseling with me, Laya. I would love to work with you.”

Laya’s smile was outlined by tears. “My brother will hate it.”

“We have confidentiality here. Everything you say here stays here. He doesn’t have to know if you don’t want him to.”

“Good.” The two females simpered at each other, their secret stretching between them.

Ella and Laya discussed a time to meet for counseling. They agreed to meet on Fridays during lunch so the Varmin department head – her brother – wouldn’t have to sanction a change in her schedule.

“Kellen can’t know,” Laya said on her way to the exit, Ella following her there. “No one can know.”

Ella opened the door for Laya before she swore, in a muffled, gentle voice, “Then no one will know.”