11. Ella

Chapter 11

Ella

“What does it say?” Rylee prodded Ella, holding the phone so close to her face that Ella could see inside her sister’s nostrils.

“I’m still finding it,” Ella said, skimming through the pages of the text for the section on dragon-shifters.

After Jarion left Ella’s office, she couldn’t stop thinking about him and decided to make the trek to Delmarth’s library to find a textbook on the process of Varmin shifters coming into their forms. She wanted to understand the consequences of Jarion denying his wings from emerging, if the refusal to release them could cause permanent damage in any way to his being. Rylee had called Ella on her way to the library for their daily check-in, so she’d taken her sister along with her on the journey; through searching the shelves and procuring the book, to hiking back to her dormitory to begin her investigation. After explaining the situation to Rylee—leaving out names and details to preserve Jarion’s privacy—Rylee was now almost as invested in finding the answer as Ella.

Freya curled up between Ella’s legs, which were extended on the coffee table and submerged beneath a thick blanket. She rested her chin on Ella’s calf and settled one of her paws on Ella’s ankle, as if staking a claim over Ella’s legs as her bed. It was moments like this that Ella wondered if Freya thought of her as her personal climbing structure and mattress, nothing more.

“I found it!” she announced, her exclamation rousing Freya temporarily from her slumber. The dog lifted her head to fling a glance at her owner, then let her head droop back onto Ella’s leg after confirming Ella wasn’t in trouble.

“Tell me what it says.” Rylee hunkered down on her own couch, shaking her brunette bob out of her eyes.

“It says here that for dragon-shifters, they experience two indications that their dragons are emerging,” she read off the page. “They either feel pain in their backs where their wings will come in, or they start tasting fire.”

“What do you think fire tastes like?”

“I’ve been told it tastes like burnt firewood and cigarettes.”

“Can you imagine having that taste in your mouth all the time?” Rylee gagged. “Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.”

“Please don’t,” Ella begged. “You know every time I see someone throw up, it makes me throw up.”

Rylee cackled, “That’s because you have the weakest disposition ever, Ells.”

“Only when it comes to vomit.” Ella traced her finger over the sentences. “More information here about what wings feel like…where is the section on what happens if you don’t release your wings?” Her eyes scraped across the page, searching the sea of tiny black letters for something useful. “Aha! Got it.” She brought the book closer to her face. “It says here that if you don’t release your wings, they will turn inward.”

“What does that mean?” Ella skimmed the image depicted on the next page, her eyes bulging out.

“It means your wings literally will turn inward and try to open inside you rather than break free from you. They cut through your organs and break your bones. Same thing with fire. If you don’t release it, it will burn you from the inside out.”

“So it will kill him?” Ella looked at Rylee, gulping down a harsh breath, and nodded. “ Shit.”

“Shit is right,” Ella mumbled.

“Do you think he already knows this?”

“There’s no way he doesn’t, with the amount they try to prepare the students.” There was no way this hadn’t been communicated to the Primordials during Power Practice. If age twelve was when Varmin forms typically emerged, then Jarion’s class needed to be discussing this in extensive detail in preparation. The thought made Ella’s lunch churn in her stomach. “He comes from a family of dragon-shifters. If the instructors haven’t drilled this into him, his parents must have.”

Or his brother. Ella shoved that thought from her mind. She didn’t want to think about Kellen right now.

“So he’s trying to die?” Rylee’s grey eyes frowned along with her wilting lips.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Or there’s some other reason he doesn’t want to release them and he just doesn’t understand the magnitude of that decision. Either way, if he doesn’t release them soon, he’s looking at maybe two or three months max before his dragon kills him.”

“It’ll happen that fast?!”

“That’s what it says here.” Ella rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers to keep a migraine at bay.

“You need to get him to release his wings, then.”

“How?! I can’t reach inside his back and pull them out myself. His body, his choice.” Ella pinched the bridge of her nose, the corners of her eyes throbbing. “I can’t do this, Ry. Five months ago, I was still in grad school learning how to do this job, and now the fate of a child’s life may be in my hands? I can’t do this!”

“Take a second and breathe.” Rylee breathed in through her nose and let out a loud gush through her mouth, cajoling Ella into joining her. “It’s not going to help anyone if you start spiraling right now.”

“I can’t be responsible for a student dying, Ry,” Ella squeaked, a tear escaping down her cheek.

“You wouldn’t be responsible, Ells. Not if you do everything in your power to try and help him. The only way you’re liable here is if you do nothing at all, but you’ve already begun to do something by speaking with him. If in the end, he makes the choice not to release his wings, that’s his choice, Ella. It would fucking suck, and it’s not your fault if that happens. You of all people know that.”

Freya took notice of Ella’s tears and fully roused from slumber, then shifted her body so she was now facing Ella. She placed her paws on Ella’s shoulders and proceeded to lick away her tears. Ella giggled, like she always did when Freya did this, which was exactly why Freya licked her face every time Ella cried.

“Freya’s got her emotional support role on lock,” Rylee admired with a smile.

“She’s the best.” Ella kissed the top of Freya’s head, then said to Rylee, “So are you, Ryles.”

“So are you, Ells. You’ll find a way to help that kid. I have no doubt.” A sob clogged Ella’s throat.

“I miss you so much.” Rylee’s gaze glimmered.

“I miss you more, Ella. We’ll be reunited soon. Remember to ask Headmistress Dyer if she’ll give you a pass to return to New York for winter break. If she says yes, then it’ll only be nine weeks before we see each other again. We can do nine weeks. And if she says no, we can make it nine months. That’s such a small blip in the grand scheme of our lives. We’ll have forever together after that.”

“Promise?” Ella whimpered.

“I promise we’ll have as much time as all the Gods in this universe will grant us, my honey. And even after that, I will never leave you.” They were both crying now, faces smeared with devotion.

“You’re my favorite person ever, Rylee Hart.”

“And you’re mine, Noella Rose. Always and forever.”

Rylee sat silently on the other end as Ella released all her pent-up emotion, sobbing a river of longing and love and loneliness and grief and exhaustion, all that feeling gushing out of her like a starved torrent. Freya licked away her tears, only for more buckets to spill down her cheeks. She spent so much of the day compartmentalizing her own emotions for the sake of her students, for the sake of needing to be present in their emotions, that sometimes she forgot she had her own feelings that needed to be tended to. In moments like this, she only needed Freya and Rylee.

They were the most secure safety net she could ever ask for.

When she got off the phone with Rylee, she guided Freya off her lap so she could stand, then grabbed Freya’s leash, hitched it to her harness, and shepherded her outside. Ella balked at the chill in the air, a stark difference from October in New York and a nasty glimpse of what she could expect from a Cavale winter. The breeze tickled the dry patches of tears caked on her cheeks. Leaves rustled to create a symphony of susurrous sounds, whispers dancing between the trees, snaking through the grass. With each stride, her mind became clearer, more resolute, as if the distance she’d placed between herself and her worries had now become a gaping chasm. Pausing to close her eyes and take in a deep breath of dewy, glacial air, she gifted herself an hour—just an hour—to be mindful of her surroundings, to separate herself from her work, to not wear the hat of a school counselor for just a short while. She left Ms. Rose behind and slipped back into the skin of Ella, permitting herself to be the flawed, imperfect human who was just doing her best. Just an hour to rest, before she would return to contemplating the best ways to help Jarion.

Unexpected movement flashed in her peripheral vision.

Kellen emerged from within the depths of a tree’s shadow. What appeared like plumes of white smoke wafted out from his parted lips, but was really the cold air capturing his breath. Freya began barking the moment he came into view—not her threatening bark when she sensed danger, but the same excited squeal she let out whenever she saw Rylee, which made no sense to Ella since Freya had never met Kellen before.

Ella yanked Freya’s leash back when she tried to dive towards Kellen, maneuvering the dog to stand behind her legs.

“Look who decided to grow some balls and leave her dormitory for a change,” Kellen taunted, tucking his hands in his pockets.

Ella raised her chin in defiance. “I prefer to think of it as embracing my vagina. Balls are far less sturdy.” Kellen choked on a laugh before he could stop himself, then immediately fixed his facial features into a frown. “Did you just laugh? ” she gasped. “I didn’t even know you knew how to do that.”

The longer he scowled at her, the larger her smile grew.

“I need to talk to you,” he said, eyeing Freya nervously before he dared to take a step forward.

“Alright. But you’ll have to walk and talk, because she hasn’t gone to the bathroom yet and I’m freezing.”

Kellen’s jaw fell open. “You’re kidding.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” The two glared each other down before eventually, Ella burst out, “Figure out if whatever you have to say is worth joining my walk. It’s far too cold for a stare-down.”

Ella stomped over the cracked branches and pulled Freya along with her. Kellen huffed, then traipsed after her.

“You met a twelve-year-old dragon-shifter today,” he stated. His shoulder brushed against her temple due to their height difference.

“I did,” she confirmed. “Jarion.” Silence stretched between them before she admitted, “I know he’s your brother.”

“Good. That will make this quicker.” Kellen cut into her path, forcing her to stop. “You should know that I’m Jarion’s legal guardian, and I do not consent for him to begin counseling with you.”

Ella braced herself for the argument that was about to ensue. “Good thing I learned today that in Cavale, I don’t need parental consent to counsel someone. I just need the student’s consent.”

“ROSE—”

“How much do you know about what happened today?” She didn’t want to say anything to Kellen that he hadn’t already been told, so as not to break confidentiality and her promise to Jarion.

“My sister filled me in. Apparently, he’s been stapling his back to stop his wings from coming in.”

Good, she thought to herself.

Ella was privately thrilled his sister filled him in. He deserved to know what was happening with his brother, even if the truth came from his sister and not from his brother’s mouth directly.

“Your brother is suffering greatly. I saw it today. I know you know what will happen if he doesn’t release his wings. He needs someone to talk to, Kilic. Don’t prevent him from using me as a resource.”

“He talks to me,” Kellen argued. “He doesn’t need you.”

“Does he talk to you about his anxiety?” Nothing about her voice was accusatory or judgmental. She worked very hard in this moment to treat Kellen like she would any parent of a student, not allowing her personal sentiments to bleed into how she handled this conversation. “There are therapeutic techniques I can use to get him to open up, to share what’s causing him to reject his Varmin form so he can join the other dragon-shifters and release his wings. Give me a chance to—”

“Absolutely the fuck not.” Ella jumped back at his volume. He lowered his face so it was an inch apart from hers and snarled, “You will go nowhere near Jarion, do you understand me? If I see you near him again, I swear to you, I will rip you apart, limb from limb, and happily walk to Terminus on my own accord.”

Ella’s lashes fluttered. Where normally, she would have fought back at the aggression in his tone, something stopped her from rivaling his antagonism—the fact that beneath his vehemence, she sensed panic there.

“Why don’t you want me speaking to Jarion?” she asked with gentle curiosity.

“Don’t you dare speak to me like I’m one of your students, earthborn. It’s fucking insulting.”

“I’m not. I’m speaking to you as a person with feelings to another person with feelings, who’s sensing that there’s more to this than you’re letting on.” Kellen clicked his teeth, looking away. Thoughtlessly, Ella reached for his hand, yanking on his arm to intreat his eyes to meet hers. “Forget for a second that I’m me, and you’re you. Pretend I’m someone you can shed your walls with. Talk to me, Kellen, and maybe, I’ll listen.”

She wasn’t sure what got through to him—the soft tone of voice, the proposition to forget that she was someone he was supposed to despise, his hand still held in hers, or maybe the fact that she called him Kellen for the first time—but he exhaled a sigh that resounded to her like he was conceding a victory.

“My mother has been working to regain custody of Jarion and Laya since she was released from Terminus. She tried to have Jarion and Laya removed from Delmarth when she heard a human had been hired to the faculty. If she finds out that I allowed him to work with you—” His words tapered off, melting into the wind, but the implication hung between them. “If my mother finds out, she will petition the courts to deem me an unfit parent. I will lose him and my sister.”

Ella didn’t know what to say. “They would really deem you an unfit parent for letting him near a human?”

“Yes,” Kellen answered without hesitation. “You underestimate our kind’s hatred for your kind.”

“I certainly don’t underestimate that, Kilic. The phantom of many broken bones in my body reminds me every single day.” The corner of his mouth twitched in his effort to repress a smile, as if the thought of her broken bones thrilled him. “You don’t think the Gods would be on your side? They’ve allowed me to be here, after all.”

“I’m not willing to take the risk that they won’t be, or that they won’t care enough to meddle in the court proceedings to rule in my favor. Not where the twins’ lives are concerned.” Ella’s heart stung.

This version of Kellen fractured the picture of him she’d painted in her head, a hard-hearted man incapable of human emotion. The man standing before her now was almost a mirror image of the person she loved most in this world, the person who’d saved her life the way it seemed Kellen had saved Jarion’s—her big sister, Rylee. Through this light, he was someone she could almost respect.

Kellen grew tired of her resistance and barked impatiently, “I’m asking nicely here, Rose.”

“I haven’t heard you ask for anything nicely, Kilic,” she objected, folding her arms across her chest.

Kellen sighed, then stunned her and actually begged , in a broken voice, “I’m asking you, as nicely as I’m capable of asking, to please not speak to him anymore. Please, Noella.”

Noella.

No one called her Noella. Only Rylee on rare, rare occasions, usually when she was scolding her. Ella had always preferred to go by her nickname, since Noella was a variation of her mother’s middle name, Noelle, and she wanted no association with that woman. On Kellen’s tongue, the name sounded like poetry. She could almost rework the name to remove the previous meaning, letting his voice recreate it into something she would feel comfortable claiming as her own.

“Alright,” Ella conceded, the shock apparent in Kellen’s widened eyes. “Here’s what I’ll promise you. Apart from his daily check-ins with me so I can keep him accountable about the staples, I will stay away from him. I’ll have Mr. Park keep a close eye on him in class and report back to me. I’ll trust that you will be doing everything in your power to independently encourage him to release his wings, but the second he starts to show signs of internal or outward damage, which I now know is inevitable if his wings are not released, I will not only not stay away, but I will insist he begins formal counseling with me. This is not to punish you or Jarion. This is to help him. ”

Kellen’s eyes traced the way her lips pinched, then spat out, “Fine.”

“Fine,” she retorted on instinct.

“Good.”

“Good!” They both shifted on the balls of their feet in unison. Kellen scratched the back of his neck.

“I don’t like agreeing with you,” he mumbled.

“I know,” she agreed. “It feels wrong.”

“Then stop agreeing with me.”

“I’ll stop agreeing with you when you stop making sense and go back to saying stupid shit. It’s bound to happen eventually.” Kellen’s dimples made their highly anticipated appearance in his cheeks.

“There’s the Ms. Rose I know and loathe,” he crooned in a way that almost sounded like a compliment.

Ella twisted Freya’s leash around her hand, unsure why she felt such a strong urge to stay here with him, why the thought of walking away right now made the corners of her eyes burn with some unidentified emotion.

“You called me Noella,” she blurted out weakly in the end, searching for anything to say to keep him here longer.

“You called me Kellen,” he replied as his explanation.

“Would you rather I didn’t?” Kellen sucked in a large gulp of frigid air, trapping it in his chest.

When he released it in an exhale, spirals of white fog blowing in her face, he confessed, “No,” then shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and began his trek back to the faculty housing.