7. Chapter 7

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I muttered to myself, lighting up a smoke with trembling fingers.

The only time I’d ever been this filled with regret and self-hatred was when I got caught with someone I shouldn’t have been with. It had changed the course of my life forever, and I’d only regretted it because I lost him that day, too. I should’ve regretted him, but I couldn’t. Strangely, my Dom healed me in a way and made me feel whole, even for a little while.

For the second time in my life, I hated myself for sitting on my knees for Ajax and then sucking his cock. He was the worst. Why did it have to be fucking Ajax who was the one I willingly dropped to my knees for? Surprisingly, he gave in and did it. It didn’t nearly meet my needs, but it would have to do. Never again. I couldn’t go back there. The humiliation and self-loathing were overwhelming.

Fuck, but I had to face him all the time. Now, he’d always see me as someone who needed to be told he was a fucking good boy.

My face burned, and my eyes watered as I walked home, needing to walk off the edge and irritation at myself. My humiliation was toxic and suffocating.

I swiped at my eyes when a couple of tears fell. The weakness that consumed me made it hard for me to breathe. I tried to be strong, to show the world that nothing fazed me. Instead, I was powerless, weak, pathetic.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I hissed.

Ajax didn’t get everything right because I hadn’t told him shit about anything, but… for a moment, I was at peace, at home. Sitting on my knees, giving in to complete servitude…

Fuck, when Ajax shoved me against the window, making me show the world who I really was… I didn’t know if I loved it or hated it. It was freeing. It was fucking mortifying.

No!

I hated it. I hated him.

Never again.

For most of my life, I’d been waited on hand and foot, with no direction or goals. Everything had been handed to me and then ignored. I’d been so lost, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and having a mother who was completely indifferent to me and neglectful. She didn’t have any plans for me, either. I simply existed; no more important to her than one of her fixtures that decorated the mansion.

Not until him.

Goddamn fucking memories! I wish they’d shut the hell up, but they were getting worse. It was like I had an addiction, and Ajax gave me my fix, but like all addictions, it wasn’t enough. I needed more. If I didn’t get my fix, my memories would consume me.

“You’re a brat, Aiden,” he says, standing so much taller, looking down at me, unsmiling.

“Yes, sir,” I agree, because I would do anything for him. He gives me the structure and attention I so desperately need. I may be young, but I’ve always known I needed this. He makes me feel wanted, like I matter. He never ignores me. Sometimes I’m a brat intentionally to get his focus on me.

He’s so beautiful with his wavy salt-and-pepper hair, groomed beard, and kind but stern blue eyes. He’s the epitome of confidence, power, and control. He’s everything I’m not and everything I want. I’ve had a crush on him for months now.

“This is how it’s going to go from now on. When you misbehave, don’t do as you’re told, or if you show any sort of attitude, you’ll be punished. If you’re good, you’ll be rewarded. How does that sound?”

“I want that so much, sir.”

“Excellent. You’re going to be such a good boy.”

I forced the memory out of my fucking head. He didn’t deserve to be in there. He’d abandoned me like everyone else. It was all a fucking lie!

I felt myself spiraling again. Ever since the day I’d kissed Ajax, I’d been slipping. I’d done just fine until him! Why couldn’t he have left me alone?

I dropped my half-finished smoke on the ground, stepped on it, and tightened the scarf around my neck, wishing it was summer again.

When I finally reached my apartment building, I opened the door that was supposed to have a code—but had been busted since before I moved in—and headed up the stairs. The elevator was busted, too… Piece of shit building.

Part of me missed the life of luxury. The other part couldn’t give two fucks. Still, this place was better than the streets.

I stepped into the apartment and inwardly groaned at seeing Cueball reading a book on the couch. He was always reading.

He’d see it. He always saw. Cueball was a goddamn mind guru or some shit. He didn’t talk much, but he watched everything .

When he looked up after I shut the door, his amber eyes narrowed. Dark hair ghosted his bald head, which he would shave off soon.

What did he look like with hair?

What the fuck does it matter?

“Something’s happened,” he said, jutting his chin at me.

No shit, Sherlock , I thought, keeping it to myself. “Nothing’s happened,” I said out loud .

He walked over to me as I removed my jacket and scarf to hang up, crowding my damn space. The bastard always knew what would get me to comply because I was weak.

Cueball stood so close that I could smell the coconut on his skin. It was such a sweet and simple smell for a hard and complicated person.

I tried to shove my way past him, but he stood his ground. “You need to talk.”

I huffed. “I don’t need shit.”

“You’ve been crying, and you never cry. Sit down on the couch and talk.”

“No, and I’m not fucking crying!”

“Sit!”

Cueball never raised his voice, so I jumped, making my heart beat too fast.

I huffed again and sat with folded arms like some damn petulant child. If I hadn’t been such a pussy, I’d tell him to fuck off.

Who was I kidding? I’d always been responsive to strong men.

He headed to the kitchen, rummaged around in the refrigerator, and came back with a can of beer. He handed it to me while he drank a glass of water.

I opened the tab and chugged back half of it, belching the bitter hops. I set the can on the old table, leaned forward, and ran my hands through my hair.

“Something’s going on with me. Ever since Ajax and I kissed…”

“You like him?”

I scoffed. “No, but… I’m fucked up, okay? The last thing I want to do is go into all the details, but years ago, there was someone in my life who, I believed, gave me back my power. I was his… sub. He controlled me through sex, and I fed off it. Looking back… I felt betrayed by his abandonment, realizing he never really cared. It had only been about the sex. Whatever. He doesn’t matter. But…”

“How old were you? You’re only twenty-four, and I’ve known you for years, so you must’ve been pretty young.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Look, I said it doesn’t matter.”

I squirmed on the couch, unable to hide my discomfort, and drank back the rest of my beer .

“How. Old. Were. You?” Cueball’s voice was calm but stern, always pulling the damn truth out of me.

“Sixteen, okay?! Fuck!”

I grabbed my can, stood, tossed it into the kitchen garbage, and grabbed another beer.

“How old was he?”

I sighed. “Fifty-one.”

“You’re right,” he said.

“About?”

I opened the can and took another sip of beer.

“He didn’t love you. He groomed you.”

I stared down at my feet, unable to meet his scrutinizing eyes because deep down, I knew Cueball was right.

“Maybe he did,” I admitted, shrugging. “But the damage is done. I was his sub for three years. I can’t even get into regular sex unless I’m giving in… submitting. Whatever. Being this way makes me feel… whole and oddly normal. I need to find that again.”

Cueball leaned over the back of the couch and looked at me. “You found that in Ajax.” It wasn’t a question.

I nodded and finished off my beer, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Yep, and I’m fucking pissed about it.”

“Are you, though?”

“Yes! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to find that person for me and have him be the very person I can’t stand? And let’s be real. He hates me, too.”

“I’m not going to tell you what to do—”

I scoffed. “Well, thank fuck for small favors.”

He continued as if I hadn’t said a word. “But you need therapy to talk about what happened between you and that man.”

“Fuck therapy. I need… Ajax.” I stared up at the cracked ceiling and sighed again. “God, I didn’t just say that.”

“If you pursue this with him, make sure he’s doing this consensually. He needs to be aware of what you need and why. Give him the choice.”

Not likely. The last person I wanted to know my story was fucking Ajax .

When I said nothing, Cueball stood and sauntered toward me. He quickly grabbed me, fisting my hair from the top of my head, knowing he could control me and get me to listen. God, I’d drop to my knees for him if he’d let me, but he wouldn’t. His face was calm as he made me look at him.

“There’s a good person somewhere inside those black eyes of yours. I wouldn’t have put up with your ass if you hadn’t. You need to find the person you could be. Once you do, your world will forever change and you’ll find that strength and control you so crave. Stop warring with yourself and everyone else around you, Aiden.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat at his words, feeling the stinging in my eyes. Not only had he used my birth name, which he never did, but he saw right through to my soul. It was a tough pill to swallow, being so raw and vulnerable in front of someone. Yet, being vulnerable also set me free.

God, I was so fucked up.

I rested my forehead on the cracked tiles and let the hot water from the shower wash over my skin, relishing in the warmth, tired of being cold, inside and out.

My mind drifted unhindered toward Ajax, replaying what had gone down earlier today. He was intense and a little scary, but he’d given me a taste of what I’d craved.

Since it wouldn’t happen again, I recalled all the details, making my cock swell. Instead of focusing on the shit I hated about him, I focused on what I liked. Ajax was so tall and lean but muscular from skateboarding. He had a good-sized dick, large enough to choke me. He had smelled fucking good, too.

His skin was so smooth and pale, nearly hairless like mine. He had a couple of small moles next to his cock, and there were a few spread across his stomach and chest.

But the best part was triggering him and pissing him off, so he took full control of me. No doubt he used restraint on me. Ajax could’ve beaten the shit out of me if he wanted, but he hadn’t. Instead, he gave in to my needs.

Fuck, but it wasn’t enough. Ajax was capable of so much more, but that would require me to tell him what I needed and wanted… and why.

As much as I wanted to rub one out, I didn’t. I was surprisingly satiated after today.

Once I got out of the shower, I dried myself off, and sat in bed with my phone, scrolling through social media, no longer hard and needy.

Bored, I put my phone on the charger, climbed under my covers, and closed my eyes.

For the first time in months, I slept like a baby.