15. Chapter 15

I definitely wanted to get to know Blaze more. He was so wrong. While I didn’t understand why he was afraid or why he needed to be controlled through sex, since he still refused to talk about it, I understood the fear of commitment all too well.

As he stared out at the city, I stood, pressed my body against him, and put my hands on top of his, which were resting on the concrete barrier. I felt this need to be his shield. He craned his head to look back at me before turning away.

“I really do want to know both Aiden and Blaze,” I whispered in his ear, making his skin sprinkle with goosebumps. “Something tells me they are quite different from each other.”

“Nah. Blaze and Aiden are both fuckups. Losers.”

“I think it’s time I was introduced to them. I want to understand you, Aiden.”

He shook his head rapidly, as if he could shake out the thoughts from his head. “You’ll hate me even more than you already do. You’ll be disgusted.”

I turned him to face me. “That’s the thing. I don’t hate you anymore. And you fully trust me with your body. I think it’s time you trusted me with who you are and your fears.”

He tried to look away, but I wouldn’t let him, holding onto his chin as I loved to do because he always responded so well to it. He always held still for me when I did.

“I like what we’re doing, and I don’t want this to end,” he admitted.

“Who says it’s going to end?”

“You will.”

I let his face go and trailed my fingers along his throat and chest, tracing all his tattoos. None had color. They were all contour lines, but they were tasteful. Each one looked like they belonged on his smooth and pale skin. My index finger trailed along the large rose inked on his throat.

“Trust me,” I said.

His black eyes, looking up at me, were filled with worry and pain. “I’m afraid.”

That had to be a painful admission for Blaze to tell someone like me. All the more reason he could trust me. Nothing he could’ve done would sway me… unless he was some murderer, which I was certain he wasn’t. My friends and I all had our issues and brushes with immorality. We weren’t fucking saints, but we were good people—even Blaze. That goodness was in there and showed more each time we were together.

“The fact you just said that is enough to prove you trust me.”

“I need a smoke for this. Or some hard fucking liquor.”

I handed him my pack of cigarettes and lighter. He lit up and blew smoke upward into the sky. “Cueball knows a little, but he doesn’t know everything. The only one who knows all of it is Storm, my old friend from high school, but we don’t talk about it.”

I read between the lines. He was going to tell me, and only I would learn the full extent of his story. It made me feel a bit honored, but his fear rubbed off on me, and I worried it would affect our dynamic. Regardless, I would do my best to empathize and keep an open mind.

Blaze sat on the edge of the barrier, and I sat next to him to give him some space.

“I grew up wealthy. Well, not me, but my mom and her family. I’m not talking upper middle class. I’m talking about growing up in a house with eight bedrooms and six bathrooms. We had people who cooked, served… They waited on us, hand and foot. I even had a nanny. I went to private school… shit like that.”

Holy fuck. I did not see that coming.

“My nanny practically raised me, but it was my mom that I needed. I saw my dad about three times in my youth after they divorced when I was around four. He’s never really been in the picture.”

How’d he end up here with barely a dime to himself?

“Of course you needed your mom. All kids do.”

He nodded, staring at his feet, his long bangs falling in his face that I itched to brush away. Blaze took another drag from his smoke before continuing.

“As I got older, I started acting out. Maybe I did when I was younger, but I don’t remember. I could’ve been a hellion of a toddler, for all I know, not that my mom ever told me stories about my childhood.”

I smiled at that. He probably was a hellion.

“Mom was always doing shit and rarely at home, whether it was away for some long weekend with her friends in the Caribbean or wine tasting in Tuscany.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his ringed fingers. “Even then, I understood how much I needed guidance and affection. My nanny was okay, but even she got tired of me acting out. I screamed for attention, but no one could hear me. I was just in my mom’s fucking way.”

It wasn’t hard to empathize with Blaze. Just because you grew up with wealth didn’t mean you had all your needs met. Humans needed love and compassion, not cash and dismissal.

When he tossed his smoke over the side of the building, I took his hand and led him to the blanket. I sat down and pulled him onto my lap, resting my chin on his shoulder. He needed to know he deserved some affection.

“What about your grandparents? ”

Blaze shrugged. “They live in California. I’d hardly ever seen them. Anyway, Mom eventually married when I was fifteen. His name was Howard Decker.”

“He sounds like a pussy.”

Blaze scoffed. “God, if you only knew. Anyway, I instantly liked him. Finally, I had a father figure living in the house, and he was so nice. He’d talk to me, ask me questions… he just…”

“Fucking paid attention to you.”

“Yeah.”

“Did he abandon you, too?”

Blaze said nothing for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, but not in the way you think. Anyway, the attention he gave me hadn’t been enough. Soon, I grew more reckless, doing anything to get Mom to notice me. Even married, she was still too busy for her only fucking child. Why’d she bother even having kids if she didn’t want them?”

I had no answers for him, and I didn’t think he expected me to.

“One night, I’d snuck out of the house to go to a party some seniors from my school were having. Mom had just gotten me a car, an Audi R8 in red.”

I had no idea what one looked like. All I had was a 2017 Kawasaki motorcycle I’d scrimped and saved for.

“I got drunk, of course. I was only sixteen and didn’t drink much, so I ended up pretty wasted. When the party ended, I stupidly drove home.”

I could already tell where this story was going.

“I ended up crashing into a deep ditch. Honestly, it was a miracle that I hadn’t done worse, like die or kill someone. My car was totaled, though. After a visit to the hospital, the police arrested me for driving while intoxicated.

Instead of my mom coming to get me, it was my stepfather. He was a lawyer, so it made sense he’d come. When we got home, I rested my bruised body and had expected my mother to come bitch me out, but she never talked to me about it. I couldn’t even get in trouble with her after totaling a car. It didn’t matter how hard I tried.”

“Jesus. It’s like you were crying out just for any sort of attention, even if it was negative.”

Blaze nodded. “You get it. ”

He ran a hand through his hair and rested his head on my shoulder. “Look, I know I was privileged. There are people out there who have nothing. Hell, I’ve got nothing, but still, it fucking hurt that she couldn’t even check to see if I was okay.”

I wrapped my arms around him, feeling more and more for this broken man, and a little protective. “What did you do?”

“Here’s where it gets even more fucked up. My stepfather offered me a way toward some sort of salvation to give me the order and attention that I desperately craved, especially when I was spiraling and suffocating because, no doubt, I was on the road toward destruction. He promised me he would set me on the right path and would bring me stability and happiness.”

It didn’t take a genius to know where this story was going as the puzzle pieces clicked together. I swallowed back the growing bile, wishing I had a drink myself.

“I readily agreed. But as soon as he told me to drop my pants for my punishment, deep down, I knew it was going to be more than just guiding me. That didn’t stop me, though. I wanted it. I needed it. Cueball knows the gist of my story, but not who did it. He said I was groomed, and I suppose I was.”

“Yes, it was fucking wrong. Your stepfather, someone who was supposed to protect you, took advantage of an underaged kid desperate for attention, and exploited him.” My body was tight, and I suddenly wanted to hurt something, imagining a young Blaze, desperate to be loved and have someone take advantage of that.

Blaze lit another smoke and moved away from me. When I stood to be close to him, he held out his hand for me to stop and shook his head.

“You don’t understand. I knew it was wrong, and I never asked him to stop. Not only was I a minor, but he was my mother’s fucking husband! He gave me all that I craved. He gave me stability, direction, attention, affection, and fucking touch, even if it all came with a hefty emotional and mental price tag… my complete obedience.”

He paced and smoked, running a hand through his hair over and over. “I loved him! Don’t you get it? He was mine . Not hers! He was my Dom. He brought me into this Dom/sub world, and I didn’t regret it. Do you understand now why I’m such a fuckup? I was with him for three years. I destroyed a marriage, and even to this day, I don’t care! She didn’t deserve him. I did! If I could have a do-over, the only thing I would change was not getting caught.”

That wasn’t Blaze’s fault. His stepfather shaped him into who he was—tricked him into loving him, pretending to care about the boy so desperate to be loved. That man was a fucking monster, not Blaze. Couldn’t he see that? It was clear as day for me.

“Aiden…”

“Stop calling me that! Fuck!” He tapped his fingers on his temple, still holding the cigarette. “I’m fucked up. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t bring myself to care.”

“Why do they call you Blaze?” I asked, trying to keep my tone calm for him, though I was burning and vibrating with violence, wanting to take it out on his stepfather’s fucking face. Every negative feeling I’d ever held for Blaze completely washed away, filled with this need to protect him. He thought I would hate him more? How wrong he was.

He scoffed and took a drag off of his smoke. “ They don’t. He called me his fire. He told me I set his heart ablaze. It’s why I can’t have you call me Blaze when we’re doing our thing. I need to be Aiden for you because I was Blaze for him. But… every other time, I’m Blaze because I don’t want people to know Aiden.”

He dropped his cigarette, and his hands went straight to his face, suddenly crying.

Fuck. Who knew Blaze was so emotional? He’d been that way around me a lot lately. I rushed to him and pulled him to me. He tried to fight me off, pushing, shoving, and hitting my chest, but I wasn’t about to let go. He finally relaxed against me and rested his head on my chest as he released all his pent-up pain.

“I’m a fucking disaster, Jaxon,” he sobbed. “I can’t even hold a damn job like I’m just doing it out of spite of him and my mother. Then, I’m too chickenshit to get my ID and shit from her. I sell drugs to make ends meet, for fuck’s sake! So you see? I’m a loser. A fucking loser. And now that you know, you’ll just be as disgusted with me as she was.”

I held him tighter to prove to him otherwise. “Don’t count on it. Do I like knowing you sell drugs and hurt others when you do? Fuck no. That shit pisses me off. I used to think I knew a good soul when I saw one, like Stix, Nacho, or Alpha. But sometimes good souls are hiding away, afraid to come out. God, I get that now. I didn’t see it in you before because you hid it so well behind your scowls, but I do now. You just need to accept it and break away from the ugliness.”

He shook his head on my chest, now wrapping his arms around me, clinging to my back, not believing me. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You definitely can.”

Blaze stood straight, pulling away from me to wipe his face. “God, I feel fucking ridiculous. I’ve cried more around you than I have my entire life.”

“That’s trust.”

He wrapped his arms around himself and huffed a humorless laugh, but I wouldn’t let him pull away again, so I yanked him back to me.

“What happened when you got caught?” I asked when he seemed calm enough.

“Howard and I were in his office. He was spanking me pretty hard that day because I’d been mouthing off after getting in trouble for getting a bad grade on my chemistry test. Mom had been out with her girlfriends at some day spa and came home early. She heard the noise and, for the first time in her life, seemed concerned, or figured out what was going on. She grabbed the spare key to the office, opened it, and found me naked, sprawled over her husband’s lap, who was also naked.”

Fuck me. I supposed it was inevitable.

“She kicked us both out of the house. While she let Howard grab his things, I was only allowed to take the clothes lying on the floor. I quickly got dressed as she told him to leave, but she ignored me. Howard was strangely quiet, not coming to my defense, even when I told Mom I loved him and he loved me. Such a childish thing to say and believe.”

“You were a fucking child, Aiden.”

“I was nineteen at the time, and a fucking adult.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter. Your stepfather was a grown-ass man who manipulated you. Then what happened?”

“After he left, I started yelling at her, saying she’d never loved me, and why did she give a shit now? It was only her ego, not me. But I left, believing I had a place with Howard. The next day, I headed to his office and begged him to take me in, explaining that I had no money or anywhere to go, but he told me no. He told me we were finished. That right there crushed my fucking world. I knew right then he’d never loved me. I died a little that day. I ended up crashing on friends’ couches for a short time, but no one wanted to take care of me, and eventually I ended up on the streets.”

Blaze took a shuddered breath and dug blunt nails into my back. “I met up with an old friend in high school. He works at a pharmacy, and we… sell drugs whenever he can snag some. I’ve made enough money to cover my expenses. It got me off the streets along with Cueball’s help.”

I definitely hated the drug selling, and if we continued as we were, that had to stop.

He looked up at me with begging black eyes. “Still like me?”

I breathed out a laugh and pulled a lock of hair away from his face. “Even more so.”

His eyes grew wide. “What?”

“Thanks for telling me your story. It’s nice to meet you, Aiden.”

He shook his head, unbelieving. “How? I’m a fucking disaster.”

I chuckled. “That you are. But we all are.”

I leaned down and kissed him to prove my point. “Do you want my honest take?” I asked when we broke apart.

He swallowed and nodded.

“This Dom/sub thing makes more sense, but I am not your stepfather. Got it? I better not be his fucking replacement.”

Blaze shook his head so hard and fast that his hair fell back into his face. “No, I’m not trying to replace him, but… I need this. I’ve really enjoyed this, and you’re… kinder, even when I don’t deserve it. He took care of me, too, but looking back on it, it was always cold and calculated.”

“Good. I also want you to stop selling drugs if we’re to continue this strange relationship thing we’ve got going on. You need to learn to fend for yourself legitimately. I don’t want my guy going to jail or causing someone to overdose.”

His face was so desperate to be accepted and wanted. I could be that person for him. I wanted to be that person.

“Your guy?” he asked.

“Yeah, my guy. You belong to me now. ”

I kissed him again, giving him extra tongue to prove my point.

“Let’s go for a ride,” I said when we came up for air.

“Ride?”

“Yep, I have a pretty cool motorcycle I cruise around in sometimes… generally when it’s not cold out.”

“Okay.”

I bent down to pick up the blanket, shook it out, and grabbed his hand to lead him back to my apartment to get dressed. “Oh, and I belong to you, too. Understood?”

“Yes,” he breathed, finally smiling.