10. Chapter 10

It was Tuesday, and the hardware store was deader than a doornail—pun intended. Instead of sitting at the register, staring at the same shit over and over, I straightened out my aisle with magazines, books, candy, and little purse-sized tools that no one would ever buy or use. Once everything was perfectly neat, I worked through each row of hardware and tools, making sure everything was tidy, and the bins were fully stocked.

“You realize that we have people to do that,” said my manager, Barry. He was shorter than me, instantly bringing my mind to Blaze, except Barry was twenty years older and had a halo of ash-brown hair, completely bald on top.

Stop thinking about Blaze. He won’t be back , I reminded myself. I’d done a great job of making him feel like shit, and I kept asking myself why I even gave a fuck.

“I know. It’s just dead, and I’m kinda bored,” I said.

Barry chuckled and clapped my back. “Well, I appreciate the extra effort, Jaxon. I love the motivation.”

It wasn’t motivation as much as it was a need to keep moving and doing shit. I just couldn’t sit still.

I shrugged. “Just trying to stay busy.”

“Hey, if you like to clean and organize, you can always come over to my place.” He laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

I mentally eye-rolled at his ‘ dad joke ,’ while I pretended to laugh.

He finally walked off, allowing me to get lost in organizing.

I didn’t know how long I’d been working in the section, which held door hardware, squatting on the floor to work on the lower shelf when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

My eyes widened when I looked up to see Cueball towering over me.

“Take your lunch break. Let’s go.”

I stood and folded my arms. He may be big, too, but he didn’t intimidate me like he did the others. “You may boss Blaze around, but you don’t get to do that to me.”

His face was expressionless, and his amber eyes never left mine. I swear it was impossible to read shit on him. He could’ve been a psychopath, ready to murder me for all I knew.

“Lunch. Now. We need to talk.”

“Whatever,” I sighed. I was hungry, anyway.

I went in search of Barry and found him eating a sandwich in the employee lounge, which was really a small room with cracked linoleum tiles, one cabinet, a small fridge, a coffee maker, and a broken microwave on top of the counter.

“Hey, can I take my lunch break a few minutes early? A friend stopped by.”

“Sure, the floor’s covered.”

“Thanks.”

I tossed my apron on my stool by the register and stepped outside on the warm spring day, the sun nearly blinding me after being pent up in fluorescent lighting all morning. I lit a smoke and looked around until I found Cueball leaning against the large store window .

When he saw me, he jerked his head toward the street. “There’s a good ramen place nearby. My treat.”

“Hey, free lunch. Awesome.”

But my little conscience, which had been bitching at me lately because I hadn’t been listening to it, told me that lunch wasn’t going to be free, not monetarily, anyway.

I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets and followed him two blocks away. We said nothing as we entered the small, busy restaurant, waited in line, and then gave our orders at the register.

We brought our food to a long table with stools facing out at a window with a view of the city. Cueball and I still hadn’t said a word as I dug into my noodles, mixing up the onions, bok choy, roasted chicken, mushrooms, and marinated eggs with my chopsticks.

I dug in and took a large bite of the noodles and a sip of the delicious broth with a large plastic spoon.

“Well, are you going to tell me why you’ve ordered me to have lunch with you?” I asked with my mouth full.

“Clearly, this is about Blaze.”

“What about him?”

“You and Blaze have a thing.”

“We don’t have a ‘ thing .’ He wants me to fuck him. Nothing more. Nothing less.” But even as I said that, I knew that wasn’t quite the truth. This whole situation was a clusterfuck with a lot of emotions on Blaze’s side.

Cueball took a bite of his pork, not looking at me. “Did he tell you why he went to you?”

“Blaze does what Blaze wants. He didn’t tell me shit, not that I didn’t ask him fifty fucking times.”

“Yet you still fucked him.”

I choked on my bite of egg. When I recovered, I took a sip of my ice water. “Yeah, well, he’s a pushy asshole.”

Cueball gave me a hard stare that made me want to shrink. “Can you stop being a prick for five seconds? I’ve watched you for months now, all of you. You may hate him, but you’re not as… volatile as Blaze. You can’t tell me for a second that you didn’t have doubts about agreeing to this? ”

“I didn’t agree to shit.” I wiped my mouth and sighed. “Fine, I had a lot of doubts, but I don’t owe you the reasons I said yes to him. Blaze is a big boy. He can make his own decisions, as I can.”

Cueball wrapped the noodles around his chopsticks and took a bite, along with some broth, with his spoon. “There’s more to Blaze than what meets the eye. He’s got… issues.”

“Yeah? Well, we’ve all got goddamn issues.”

“True, but most of us understand our issues. Blaze doesn’t, or he’s in denial. You’re the last thing he needs.”

Fine, Blaze and I didn’t get along at all, but for some reason, I took offense to that. “How would you know what he needs or not?”

“I know him. You do not. Not really. If you’d get your head out of your ass, maybe you’d see what’s really behind his black eyes. He needs therapy, not sex.”

“Whatever, man,” I huffed and took another bite of noodles. Despite my defiance, I definitely saw something hurting in Blaze, but I didn’t want to.

“Look, it’s not my place to tell you his story, and even then, I only know a little, but the picture is getting clearer. I’m telling you this because he’s going to seek you out again.”

I shook my head and ate some chicken. “Nope. He’s done with me. I upset him, and honestly, I don’t even know what I did wrong, except showing concern about his cut-up hand and him getting all pissy with me about it.”

Cueball wiped his mouth with a napkin and swiveled on his stool to face me. “He will because he wants and needs to be put in his place, to give up his control for someone. Unfortunately, it’s not for good reasons. He sees you as that provider. Blaze needs someone dominant in his life. I think you can do that for him, but not with the way things are going now. You’re clearly clueless.”

I huffed and shook my head again, not wanting to feel any sort of compassion for Blaze, but it’d been steadily growing since the last time I saw him. “I’m not into some Dom/sub shit, if that’s what you mean.”

“No shit, but you could be. Blaze thinks you can, and it’s why he keeps going to you.”

“And why would I do that for him?”

Cueball shrugged. “That’s for you to figure out. Or don’t. If you don’t, then when he comes back to you, and he will, I’m asking you to turn him away in the nicest way possible. Please. If you decide to pursue this, it needs to be done healthily and honestly.”

And there went my regrets. Deep down, I felt like I’d been doing something wrong by Blaze. I tried not to care because I couldn’t stand the guy, but I wasn’t a monster, either.

I dug into my soup again, and suddenly it tasted like shit, so I shoved it away. “What do you want from me?” I asked him.

“He was upset when he came home the other night—angry as hell… more than usual. Did you show him any aftercare, or did you just roughly fuck him, give him a praise or two, and leave him to go on his merry way?”

I sagged on my stool and said nothing, riddled with guilt.

“That’s what I thought.”

I still said nothing, staring out at the city, processing what Cueball was telling me, and what had happened between Blaze and me the last time he came over. He’d definitely been upset, and I’d been too much of a dick to care, pissed because he wouldn’t let me help him with his hand.

Cueball touched my arm, bringing my attention back to him. “As I said, I’d rather you leave him the hell alone, but he’ll just find someone else at this point. He’s growing desperate. At least he knows you. I know you. So, I highly recommend you do this right if you take him on. Blaze is a fuckup, no doubt, and a lot of it’s of his own doing, but not all of it. He doesn’t need anyone else hurting him. He’s worth redemption and patience.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. Blaze was a colossal prick on the best of days. Selfish. Arrogant…

Cueball gently gripped my shoulder to get my attention again, and I looked at him. “Whatever your reasons for accepting him into your bed, just be sure you do it the right way. Research it. Find out what you’re willing to do. Ask him what he’s willing to do. Understand your boundaries and his. Create safe words and have a safe space. And no matter how you feel about Blaze, if you two do this, you have to take care of him at the end of it. Do not skip that step. If you don’t, he’s going to break. And don’t think he won’t. I saw it on him the other night. He’s already teetering.”

“Jesus. Okay, okay… I got it. I fucked up. But to be fair, Blaze does not communicate. He demands. ”

For the first time today, Cueball smiled. It was small, but it was there. “I’m well aware of how he can be.”

“You know, you look like you’re in your twenties, but you act like you’re fucking fifty.”

“And I’m not as young as you think I am, but we’re talking about you and Blaze. Not me. So, do you understand what I’ve told you?”

“Yeah, yeah… I’ll do my best.”

He wiped his mouth with his napkin again, stood, and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Eat some more. You’re losing weight.”

With that, he walked out of the restaurant.

“I swear to god, that man is an enigma,” I said to myself.

I grabbed my bowl, which I had shoved away, and finished it, even though it was cold and tasted like cardboard now.

I turned on my shitty computer and opened the browser to search for Dom/sub shit. While I loved having control over Blaze during sex, I wasn’t sure this was for me. I didn’t want to be some fucking master. Maybe I could find a middle ground where we both got what we wanted.

God, why was I even considering this? I didn’t like Blaze. I didn’t want Blaze. So why was I willing to help him?

Because the sex was fucking phenomenal and because you’re curious as hell about what’s going on with him, my stupid brain said .

Admittedly, a little part of my ego was boosted by all this. Despite all our shit, Blaze chose me to help him when he could’ve found anyone else. There had to be a level of trust somewhere in that stubborn brain of his, right? Or maybe it was just familiarity.

I clicked a link to a beginner’s guide for dominance and submission. The more I read, the more I regretted how Blaze and I ended the last time, making the guilt tear at me. I just took without really giving him what he needed. It had been more than words—more than me telling him how good he’d been. I had to show that as well in my interactions with him .

There was a part that stated being a Dominant wasn’t a self-proclaimed title, but one given by the submissive. They trust you to take care of them, protect them, and communicate with them. I didn’t do the first two, but how could I communicate if Blaze didn’t? Even worse, we didn’t trust each other, right? So, how could he communicate if he didn’t trust me? I was so confused. He trusted me to use his body, but not with his words. This was all a fucking mess.

I kept on reading and stopped at what it meant to be a submissive. I suddenly understood Blaze just a little bit more when I read that submissives hold the true power in the dynamic. They’re generally strong people. But I didn’t get that vibe from Blaze. He came across only as strong because he tried to project that to hide his issues. Maybe he used submission to find his strength.

I wouldn’t know since he refused to tell me shit.

The article also stated that no matter the role, it required you to be vulnerable. Ugh. That part was hard for me. After Mom died and my sister took off, it took forever to get my strength back… sort of.

I wasn’t sure I could do all this for him. Maybe I could have sex and dominate him, but having a full-blown relationship with him and doing this? No way.

Regardless, I had a lot to think about, which would be moot if he never came back.