Chapter 18

The lightat the end of the tunnel isn"t as bright as I thought it"d be.

After Bishop made that phone call, everything happened so quickly. He passed out before he could give Wyatt any information, but the general store owner was able to tell him everything he needed to know.

Frank turned out to be a godsend. He got Bishop, April, and me to the clinic where we were given fluids and our injuries were taken care of. When they saw the wounds on Bishop"s back, they couldn"t understand how he was even mobile. They don"t know the willpower that man has. I had a few minor injuries that they were able to take care of too. When they heard what we"d been through, they offered me a psychiatrist to talk things through.

How absurd.

At least, that"s what I thought. It was my gut reaction. I"m a psychiatrist; I can deal with my own problems. The issue is, I"m not dealing with them. My fear and anxiety are at ten. Every bump in the road, every loud noise, I"m sure Shade and the Faceless are right behind us, waiting to pull us back into that hellhole. I"ve been trying to do my best, keep a brave face for April and Bishop, but I"m absolutely terrified.

We didn"t stay in the hospital very long. Within a few hours, Wire and a few other boys from the Nomad Charter of the Wings of Diablo came to get us. The doctors didn"t want to let Bishop go, but he was determined to get us somewhere he knew we"d be safe. According to Bishop, the clubhouse in Ohio where Wire and his family are set up is as safe as we"re going to get aside from being up in Maine with Wyatt and the rest of the Boys of Djinn there.

We"ve been here in the clubhouse for three days now. Three long, uncertain days.

Wire gave April and me our own rooms, and Bishop is set up on the bottom floor so he doesn"t have to walk too far to get anything he needs. Everyone is very nice. Too nice. They"re treating me like I might break at any second.

The truth of it is, I might. Nothing feels normal anymore. Some of the club girls and the refugees that Wire has taken in try to include April and me in their day-to-day activities, but I just don"t have the motivation to participate. April does though. Every time she leaves me on my own, she gets a little sad that I"m not going with her. Maybe she"s not as broken as I am.

"Hey, there"s going to be a party this evening if you want to join in." Keeley smiles softly at me as I walk out of the kitchen with my bottle of water in hand.

Bottled water—I thought I"d never see one of these again in the small cell I was locked up in for so long.

"I don"t know. I"m not really a party person." I shrug my shoulder and bite the corner of my lip.

"Yeah, it gets a little raucous with all the club girls here, but the guys have fun, and if nothing else, it"s entertaining to watch."

Entertaining.

I was once someone"s entertainment. I don"t think I ever want to see another woman being put in a place where they have to put on a show for someone else"s sick sexual desires. I know Keeley didn"t mean any harm, but my chest constricts at the thought of being around that many people and having so many eyes on me.

Taking a deep breath, I reply, "I don"t know. We"ll see."

Her smile falters a little, but she doesn"t press, just nods her head and goes on with what she"s doing in the kitchen.

April is off in the corner talking with Fly. Instead of being happy by how relaxed she is, I feel a twinge of envy.

How is it she can get over this so fast? Why aren"t I strong enough to just get better already?

Pulling my thoughts away from her, I walk over to Bishop"s room and peek in. He"s been sleeping a lot, but he needs a lot of time to recoup from everything that he"s been through.

"Hey, beautiful." He croaks and pushes himself up higher on the bed so he"s sitting up.

"Hey, did I wake you up?"

"Nah, I don"t think I could sleep anymore if I tried. Everything okay? The boys treating you good?" His eyebrows furrow slightly.

I can always count on him to take care of me, even if it"s at the cost of him hurting himself. I don"t know what I did in a past life to ensure I"d be hooked up with someone like him, but I"m grateful.

"Yeah, of course. Everyone here has been more than friendly."

Bishop pats the bed next to him for me to sit, and I slowly walk into his room. My knees buckle with every step I take in his direction. Even out here in the real world, he"s got a power over me that I"ve never experienced before.

The moment I sit on the side of the bed with him, it feels like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders. No more suffocating fear. No more uncertainty about whether or not we"re going to be okay. Bishop is here. I know I"m alright. He must"ve seen how deeply I exhaled because his face turns from pleasant to concerned.

"What"s wrong? Talk to me." He reaches for my hand and pulls me closer to his body. If I were a cat, I"d snuggle right into the crook of his arm and start purring.

"Nothing, I"m fine."

"No, don"t you dare. Don"t do that now. I know you, Gabrielle. Inside and out. Something is bothering you. Tell me what it is so I can fix it. Or try. Let me help."

"It"s not your job to fix it, Bishop. We"re not locked in a cell anymore. You don"t have to do that." I pull my hand away from his, but he snatches it right back.

"Back in the cell? Is that why you think I want to protect you? You think I was only doing that because you were the only person I was locked up with?"

I look into those dark eyes and though I know the normal answer would be "no, of course not," my mind is screaming yes. Instead, I just give him a shrug.

"Gabi, you"re not just my cellmate. You"re...more. I"m going to want to protect you for as long as I"m breathing. What happened there in that place never stopped the fact that I care about you. I think it was a fucked up introduction to our story, but I don"t think it ended just because we"re free now."

"Don"t lie to me, Bishop. There"s no way, knowing all I"ve been through, what I"ve had to do, that you still want to be with me. I"ve accepted that already." Tears prick the back of my eyelids.

"Well, accept this. I do still want to be with you, Gabrielle. I want your smiles and your tears. I want your triumphs and your failures. I want all you are. I know everything that happened, and it doesn"t make me think any less of you. In my eyes, it only makes you stronger." He pulls his hand up and softly scratches the back of my head through the curls there.

I want to believe him. I know how genuine his words are, but I can"t help but believe what he sees is a lie. I"m not stronger. In fact, I"ve never felt weaker than I am now.

"You"re still Gabrielle. You still want to help people even before you help yourself. You"re still smart and driven. Absolutely gorgeous." His voice deepens as his eyes rake over my body.

My eyes capture his gaze as it makes its way back up to my face. His stare is carnal, primal, exciting. A flutter of butterflies ricochet in my belly and my cheeks heat up at the feeling. This is what I need.

So many people believe when it comes to getting over sexual abuse there"s a specific amount of time, but everyone is different. Everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. The last thing I should be thinking about is sex, but right now I"d give anything to have Bishop inside of me.

I lean forward, testing the climate between us. I"m not sure if Bishop is as hot and bothered as I am right now. When he surges forward, closing the remaining distance between us to capture my lips with his, I know he feels the same way I do. His grip in my hair tightens and I crawl up on the bed to get closer. I"m needy and ravenous. I slip my arms around his neck and hold him tight while the both of us nip and suck on each other"s lips. It feels so good, so right, being in his arms.

More. More. More.

A sharp knock on the door breaks the spell, and I pull away from him just as Roth opens the door.

"Oh, my bad, Bishop. I didn"t know... Uh, I can come back." The usually stoic man seems embarrassed, and the redness painting his cheeks confirms it. Like a splash of cold water, my mind reels thinking about what I was about to do. Bishop needs to heal. He doesn"t need me making his recuperation time that much longer by jumping his bones.

"No, it"s okay. I was just going back to my room." I smile at Roth before turning my head to look at Bishop again. He"s pouting, and for the first time, I hear myself chuckle.

"This isn"t funny," Bishop seethes.

"It"s hilarious. You get better. We have time."

"All the time in the world." Bishop"s sour look breaks, and he gives me a smirk.

The second I walk out of his room, I feel the eyes on me again.

Only Bishop can give me what I need. What I want.

To feel again.

***

Keeley wasn"t lying when she told me that things can get crazy at one of these parties. I should"ve known it was going to get rowdy when Keeley escorted her kids over to a friend"s house for a sleepover. This isn"t a child-friendly event in the least. The music is loud, the people are even louder, and as hard as I tried to stay out of my room and enjoy the festivities, I"m just not in the mood to party.

I"m not in the mood for anything I can put my finger on.

All day long, I"ve felt uneasy, like there was something I wanted but just hadn"t been able to get. Now I"m lying in my bed, trying to ignore the deep bass bumping through the foundation of the building to get some sleep.

No matter how many times I close my eyes, rest doesn"t come. I"m not comfortable. I change positions more than a dozen times before I give up and just stare up at the ceiling, waiting for whatever stress my mind is holding onto to wash over me. I can"t get away from it.

Liam, Shade, and those Faceless assholes took more than just my freedom away from me. They took my logic and self-esteem. They took my joy. The only time I ever felt even a twinge of happiness in that place was when Bishop would hold me after we were forced to have sex and at the thought of Skyler coming into the world.

I cringe hard and grip the sheets under my body as my mind drifts to the stillborn child I helped deliver.

"No, stop it!" I hiss into the air and shake my head, knowing if I get stuck in the loop of images of that small baby, I"ll never be able to get it out of my head. Those aren"t the nightmares I"m prepared to deal with right now.

The need for something just out of reach gets stronger until I jump out of the bed and begin to pace in a small circle in the small room.

On one of the turns, I bump my hip into the corner of a small desk, and pain flashes through my system. It"s eye-opening. It"s not until that very moment did I realize how incredibly numb I am. It"s a deep numbness that"s threatening to eat me alive. I just want to feel again. Anything, even if that means pain.

The sounds of people laughing and having a good time drift under the crack of my bedroom door. I want to be out there.

No, not really.

I want happiness. Euphoria.

I"ve never been the type of person to indulge in drugs, but I know that would be a quick way to get the high I"m looking for. Still, even in my nearly crazed state, I know it"s a slippery slope. I"ve seen more than my share of patients start down that road just to feel some happiness, only to find themselves at rock bottom with no way back up.

No, there"s another way for me to get what I need.

Smoothing out my borrowed clothes, I sneak out of my room. I don"t want anyone to see me and ask me to have a drink with them or something. What I need isn"t out there at the party. What I need is in the room downstairs. Taking the steps as quickly as I can, I walk into Bishop"s room.

Surprise fills me as I walk in and see Bishop out of bed. It"s the first time since we"ve been here that I"ve walked in and he wasn"t sleeping or resting.

"Hey, you enjoying the party?" Bishop asks.

He"s wearing dark jeans and a black tank top. He"s smaller than he was from the first time we met, but his muscles still fill out the thin shirt well.

God, this man is hot.

"I"m not really in the mood for a party," I reply.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I"d prefer a good night in with just my brothers, but you know Wire and them. They"ll take any excuse for a good party." He laughs and walks closer to me, waiting for me to make the next move.

"Bishop, I need..." My words come short.

How do I tell him what I need? How do I explain that I need him to make me forget all the bad that"s surrounding us without making it seem like I"m using him? I don"t want to hurt him.

"You can have it," he answers, not even knowing what I"m talking about. This is why I feel so safe around him. His openness, his desire to make me whole even when I don"t know exactly what it is that I need to be complete.

All hesitation rushes out of my body, and I beeline straight for him. Leaning up on my tiptoes as far as I can, I press my mouth to his. It"s sloppy and rushed. I"m too pent up to take my time. Bishop groans and wraps his arms around me.

The butterflies are at it again in my gut, and the sensation is radiating outward, flushing through my entire system. It feels so good. Bishop nips at my bottom lip, and I suck in a tight moan. He"s down to play with me.

I drag my hands down his front, using my nails to scratch along the way until I get to the bottom of his shirt. Sliding my fingers under the hem, I pull upwards, but he doesn"t move back to let me. Instead, he grabs the back of my head and pulls me away so he can look down into my eyes.

"Are you sure? You don"t have to do this. Your choice. Always your choice."

I know what he"s thinking. Any other time he and I have had sex, someone had a camera going, and there were about a dozen people watching us and paying to watch us ravage each other. I don"t care about any of that right now. All I care about is chasing this feeling I"m getting.

"I"m sure. I"m so sure. Only if you"re up for it, though." In the last second, I think to ask him if he"s physically capable.

He presses his hips against me hard, and I feel his strong, thick shaft pressing against my belly.

"Does it feel like I"m up for it?" he jokes before leaning back in and taking my lips with his.

His clothes come off in a flurry, so do mine. My hands tremble as I reach down and grip his shaft. Bishop"s head falls back as I slowly stroke him from root to tip, priming him for me, getting him ready to give me what I need.

"Fuck, Gabi... I love this," he mutters before groaning and pushing his hips up further into my grasp. Before I can get too carried away, Bishop pulls back, and grabbing me under my arms, picks me up, turns, and deposits me on the bed.

"Bishop, fuck, I need you," I whimper and reach out for him.

"I"m here, beautiful. I"m not going anywhere." He climbs on the bed with me but doesn"t come all the way. Just as I"m about to complain, he grabs hold of my legs and pushes them wide apart.

He"s tasted me before. I know how skilled he is, and I"m looking forward to it. He drags his teeth up the sensitive areas on the inside of my thighs, ending each trail with a feather-soft kiss. The small pinch of pain thrills me. I want more.

The heat in the room is nearly unbearable, but I know it"s not the temperature but the fire burning between Bishop and me. I lift my hips, begging without words for him to put his mouth on me.

"I"m starved," he grinds out before darting his eyes up to mine and lowering his mouth to my mound.

The first flick of his tongue has my teeth chattering. He swirls the tip of his tongue.

Again. Again. Again.

My body pulses with the need to release. My breath pants out of my mouth as I moan and whimper his name.

"Bishop, oh God."

Keeping the tempo, Bishop switches from small swirls to longer, broader strokes, keeping me teetering just at the edge. Time slows to a crawl as I hang there perilously on the edge, waiting for what I know comes next. Grabbing hold of the back of his head, I press his face harder against my core, and the long strokes turn to quick flicks against my clit.

Lights flash in back of my eyelids, and I scream loud at the intense explosion that detonates inside of me.

"Mm, yes. God, yes." Sucking in deep breaths, I try to stay riding the wave, but almost as quickly as it washes over me, I begin to feel it recede.

I need more. So much more.

Bishop slows but doesn"t stop licking me. He probably thinks I need time. I don"t. Reaching down, I grab hold of his arm and pull him with all the strength I have left up my body. He doesn"t miss a beat, though.

I don"t want slow. I don"t want to recoup. I want it hard and fast. I want it to hurt.

The growl that leaves his mouth tickles me. We"re good at this dance. I don"t need someone in the corner telling me what this man likes or what I should do next. It"s like my body is made for him. I spread my legs wide, reach down between us, grab his shaft, and line him up with my core.

He pushes in slightly, his eyes rolling back as my tightness engulfs him. "Shit, this feels too good."

"More," I whisper back.

He thrusts in the rest of the way, and those butterflies in my gut turn into a tornado. It takes me higher. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I tilt my hips back and forth, desperate for him to move.

"Shit, hold on, Gabi," he mutters in my ear as he wraps his arms around my back, grabbing hold of my sides to hold me steady. The bed rattles against the wall with each of his powerful thrusts. If there wasn"t a party going on outside the door right now, I"m sure everyone would know what we were doing. I don"t care. In fact, I wouldn"t care if they all walked in the room right now and watched us. Nothing is going to stop me from this.

"Harder, Bishop," I demand, squeezing his shoulders, digging my nails into his skin. He snarls at the feeling but does what I ask.

Another orgasm, nearly double the strength of the first one, builds inside of me. The moment Bishop drops his head and sucks on my neck, I clamp down hard on him and moan his name loud.

"Yes, give me more, Gabi," Bishop leans up. I"m crazed, drifting in and out on the tide of euphoria. Every thrust, every look, keeps me riding that high. But I want to go higher.

Not thinking of any consequences, I reach down, grab his hand, and place it on my neck. A flash of something I don"t recognize flits through his gaze, but he keeps his hand where I placed it.

"Tell me what you want, beautiful. Tell me."

Electricity zings through my body. The neurons in my head no longer fire in the right succession. I can"t sugarcoat what I want from him. I can"t hide my darkest desire.

"Squeeze harder, Bishop. Squeeze. Make it hurt."

His hips falter, but I wrap my legs tighter around him.

"What?" He tries to move his hand from my neck, but I hold it still.

"Hurt me. I want you to hurt me, Bishop."

That look is back again. I know what it is this time. Disappointment. Slowly, Bishop stops moving, and when I try to move my hips to get what I need, he reaches down to stop me.

"Gabrielle, stop this. We can"t be this way."

The euphoria is gone now as he pulls out of my still soaking wet core. Now it"s replaced with anger.

"What? I thought you said you were up for this." I sit up quickly, making him fall back on his haunches.

"I am. I"m down to fuck, have sex, make love, whatever you want to call it, but I"m not going to hurt you. Not now. Not after everything. I"m not going to add on to the shit you"re holding in." He shakes his head and swings his legs over to the side of the bed.

"Bishop, you don"t need to worry about what I"m holding in. This is what I need." Softening my voice, I crawl over to him and lay a sweet kiss on his shoulder. He pulls away and gets to his feet.

"You need me to hurt you? Make you feel more pain?"

I jump to my feet, shouting back at him, "Yes. This is what I am now, Bishop. All I know is pain! Pain drowns all the shit out. All the worry, anxiety... the fucking fear. I thought you said you wanted to help me. You said you"d give me anything."

He puts a hand out, taking a step closer. "I want to help you. I want to be everything you need, but this isn"t something you need. I won"t hurt you just so you can lump me in with everyone else who"s done the same."

The anger I felt moments ago turns to rage. "Fine. I should"ve known. I don"t need you for anything. You can stay the hell away from me too."

He"s still trying to talk to me as I shove my clothes back on but I"m not interested in anything he has to say. I needed him for one thing and he"s already told me that he"s not going to do it.

I want to put my fist through a wall. Want to fight. Want to scream.

I need to do something to get rid of these horrendous emotions raging through me. I run back to my room, tears streaming down my face and my heart pounding in my ears.

Pushing my hands into my hair I pull at the strands. Hard. The pain is a relief and I still want more.

My eyes land on the small desk I bumped into earlier and rush to see what"s inside. I"m not even sure what I"m looking for but when I see the small exacto knife I know what to do.

Sweat pours down my face mixing in with my tears as I press the extra sharp blade to my forearm. Before I make the first cut my mind slingshots to both Uma and Willa. Killing myself now would only sully their memory. No, just the pain not the abyss.

I turn my arm to stay away from any vital veins or arteries and cut along the meaty part of my forearm. The first slice makes my eyes rolls back. It"s only a portion of the feelings I got with Bishop but just a little more and I"ll be back on that high.

Another cut.

One more.

The door to my room flies open and Bishop"s mouth flies open. "What the fuck. No!" He roars at me. I skitter back taking the small blade with me.

"It"s fine, I got it." I try to turn away from him so I can continue cutting myself but Bishop closes the distances between us and grabs hold of my wrists.

"Drop it!" He yells in my ear.

"No! I can"t. Please let me... just let me do this." I pull against him doing everything to get away.

"Let! Go!" He shouts louder, this time squeezing my wrist just hard enough that my fingers open up and the knife drops to the ground.

My eyes follow the small metal item to the floor and I see my blood dripping down with it. I follow the flow up to my arm.

"Oh, my God." The pin drops in my mind. What is happening to me. "Bishop." I cry.

He turns me around and wraps me up in his arms letting me cry all my pain into his chest.

"Don"t worry Baby. I"m here. I"m still here with you." He kisses the top of my head.

He"s being honest. I know he won"t leave me to face this alone. I only hope his support will be enough.