Chapter 18

EIGHTEEN

Will was in unfamiliar territory,and it had nothing to do with being in a part of the country he’d never been to before. The drive up had been pleasant, or so he’d thought. Oakley had been on the quiet side, but Will had assumed that was because of the literal mountain and the proverbial mountain of memories awaiting him in Cumbria. They both knew that Oakley would be facing something momentous that weekend, something that could change everything.

Will just hadn’t expected to be on the outside of those feelings.

Oakley’s massive, old bed was positioned in Brynthwaite House’s main suite so that it faced the bank of windows that looked out across the stunning Cumbrian landscape. Oakley had fought him about it the night before, but Will had insisted on sleeping with the curtains open so that they could wake up to the sunrise shining against the peaks across from the house. He’d gotten the impression that Oakley usually slept with the curtains open, and it wasn’t lost on him why he would want them closed now.

As the first reflections of the sunrise filled the bedroom with pastel, morning light, Will was glad he’d held firm and won the argument. The view took his breath away. The spring greens and earthy browns of the countryside were kissed with warm gold and coral rays from the sun. The sky faded from a darker, mysterious blue to a color filled with freshness and promise.

Will snuggled closer to a still-slumbering Oakley, drawing his lover into his arms and kissing the back of his neck. Oakley stirred, but didn’t wake up. Will fleetingly thought that he would just have to enjoy the magnificent sunrise alone.

That thought started out sweet and peaceful, but something about the heaviness of Oakley’s body against him and the memories of the frustration and awkwardness of the night before robbed Will of his feeling of peace.

A part of him had hoped that as soon as Oakley was back in his country home, all of his self-doubt and depression would resolve itself. That had been an overly hopeful wish. In truth, there was a reason Heath had presented Oakley with plans to renovate Brynthwaite House to make it more accessible. The house most definitely hadn’t been constructed with paraplegics in mind. It was a maze of single steps that led in and out of rooms and connected wings of the house that had obviously been built in different centuries.

He’d had to carry Oakley upstairs, leaving his wheelchair parked at the bottom of the grand staircase, the night before. There was no possible way to get Oakley up to his bedroom in the chair, and once Will had him in his room, Oakley had insisted that he not bother going back for the chair. He wouldn’t let Mrs. Millbeck call for the two young men who worked as combination gardeners, handymen, and footmen in the house to bring it up either. He’d just sat in the chair by the window, deliberately not looking out at the mountain he had hiked a hundred times, watching Will unpack their things.

Will had misjudged the situation. So far, Brynthwaite House was only making Oakley worse. It was a different kind of worse than he’d been dipping in and out of as his recovery progressed in London, too. Something sad and closed off had taken over, and instead of being morose or lashing out, Oakley was just…distant.

Will kissed his neck again, stroking a hand along Oakley’s side. He didn’t mean anything by it other than wanting to touch the man he loved intimately, but Oakley drew in a sharp breath and tensed.

Actually, he’d been tense already, even in his sleep.

Unless he hadn’t really been asleep and had just been pretending so he could avoid talking to Will.

The thought made Will sick at heart. In the nearly five months since the two of them had crashed into each other’s lives, Oakley had been grouchy, angry, frustrated, and cocky, but he’d never shut Will out quite like this.

“You can keep pretending to be asleep,” he said, stroking Oakley’s side as if he were a scared dog that needed comfort. “I’ll just lie here and enjoy this beautiful view.”

Oakley sighed and unclenched, knowing he’d been caught. He muscled himself to his back so he could turn his head and look at Will with tired apology. “I would rather have slept with the curtains closed,” he said.

Will smiled and traced his fingertips over the side of Oakley’s sleepy face. “That’s not the view I was talking about,” he said.

Oakley’s expression melted to a smile, but before it could fully develop, he cut it short, replacing it with a blank look. Will caught his breath at the switch, the feeling that he was about to lose everything growing in his gut.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, frustrated that the words came out tighter than he wanted them to. That made it seem like he didn’t think things would be okay, but they would. They absolutely would.

Even though it felt as though his and Oakley’s relationship was slipping through his fingers like sand.

How? Why? What had changed to put such a wall between them? He didn’t love Oakley any less, that much was certain. If anything, he loved him more. So why did he feel like he was losing him?

He leaned into Oakley, kissing his lips gently, needing the comfort he would find there.

“I have terrible morning breath,” Oakley said, flinching back.

Will’s insides flattened, like Oakley had shoved him away.

“I don’t have to kiss your mouth, then,” he said, trying to sound lighthearted. “You’ve plenty of other kissable parts.”

To prove it, he surged against Oakley and kissed the side of his neck, feeling Oakley’s speeding pulse under his skin. He then kissed his way down to the point where Oakley’s neck met his shoulder and nipped him there.

Oakley let out a noisy breath and relaxed. He shifted his arms around Will and pulled him closer. Will took that as an invitation to spread himself over Oakley and nudge his legs apart. He stroked his hand down Oakley’s side and over his hip to cup his balls and stroke his way up Oakley’s half-hard cock.

The state of Oakley’s dick made Will smile. Oakley could try to put emotional distance between the two of them, but his body, his so-called broken and dysfunctional body, definitely wanted him.

“You’re beautiful in the morning,” he murmured, speaking softly as he rained kisses over Oakley’s shoulder and the top of his chest. “And you smell wonderful.”

Oakley made a sound that was halfway between a grunt and a sigh of pleasure. “I smell rank.”

“You smell like you,” Will said, nuzzling against Oakley’s neck, like he was a cat rubbing against his owner.

I love you. The words were right there, ripe for picking. It was the perfect time, long past the time when he should have said anything. And he did love Oakley. More so in that moment than he had at any point in the past five months.

Because he felt as if he were losing him. As much as he kissed and nuzzled Oakley, as tenderly as he worshiped the man’s body with his hands and lips, teasing his nipples and reaching between them to stroke their cocks together, he felt as if this was it. This was the last time he would ever make love to the love of his life. So he’d better not spoil it with any declarations of undying love that would bring the whole thing to a crashing stop and split them forever.

Whatever hesitance he’d felt in Oakley at first as he worked both of them into a state of acute arousal, it vanished once they really got going. Oakley had learned a lot and adapted to his new capabilities and limitations in the last few months, and he sent shivers of lust racing around Will’s body as he stroked his sides and teased his arse. Morning breath or no morning breath, Will had to kiss him, and once that started, neither could stop.

It was passionate and powerful, even if they weren’t engaged in gymnastic fucking. The fire between them was encompassing. Will knew what Oakley needed and raked his nails over Oakley’s sides and thighs. As the two of them lost themselves to sensation and each other, Will shimmied down Oakley’s body until he could take his hard cock into his mouth.

Oakley let out an unfettered sigh and gripped Will’s hair as Will sucked and swallowed him. There was always a hint of frustration in Oakley when he did this, as if he wanted to thrust and buck. But this time, there was nothing but acceptance, resignation, even. And either despite or because of that, Oakley came relatively quickly.

Will swallowed in surprise, but also softened into a smile as he worked the last drops from Oakley. Yes, Oakley’s mind and emotions could say whatever they wanted, but his body couldn’t lie.

He pushed himself to his knees between Oakley’s thighs and fisted himself so that Oakley could watch. It didn’t take much to bring him off. He was already so consumed with his feelings for Oakley and so close to the edge that he spilled over Oakley’s heaving chest in no time.

Oakley’s pupils were blown as he watched Will come, and when Will sagged a bit as the last of his orgasm smoothed out, Oakley reached for him almost pleadingly. Will flopped to the bed beside him, rolling Oakley into his arms, then kissing him again as much as he could while trying to catch his breath.

It was a moment. Just a moment of perfect communion. Even though they tangled together and dozed, Oakley gradually started to tense again. The wall slowly inched back up, and all the closeness that had grown between them vanished like the morning mist in the glare of the sun.

That was it. That could very well have been the last time he and Oakley would ever make love. It had all the hallmarks of a goodbye fuck.

Will had to swallow the tightness in his throat and the vague sting at the back of his eyes when Oakley rolled away from him as they came out of their doze. The few inches of space he put between them felt like a gulf that would be impossible to bridge.

For all of two minutes, Will lay in bed, feeling bereft. What would he do with his life if it didn’t have Oakley in it? He’d continue on, he’d probably get the promotion, and he’d become someone important and respected. But a part of him would always be missing.

He wasn’t going to have it. If this weekend was the last chance he was going to get to convince the man he loved that they were perfect for each other, that they made each other stronger, and that whatever had convinced Oakley otherwise was rubbish, he was going to take it. And just talking about it wasn’t going to be enough.

“Come on,” he said with energy and excitement in his voice that was completely out of tune with the mood between them. He sat up abruptly and pushed the covers back. “Time to get up and face the day,” he went on, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “We have a mountain to climb.”

Oakley had been lazing somewhat sullenly, but he twisted his upper half to face Will. “What? Are you mad? I’m not climbing any mountains.”

“Yes, you are,” Will said, walking around the foot of the bed and tugging the covers off Oakley even more. “Part of the deal was that you would go for a hike in this place you love if I applied for the promotion at the hospital. I fulfilled my end of the bargain. It’s time for you to fulfill yours.”

Will reached for Oakley, scooping him into his arms and lifting him before Oakley had time to protest and shove him off.

“That was not part of the bargain at all,” Oakley complained as Will carried him to the en suite. “I agreed to come up here for the weekend, that’s it.”

“With the implication that we would revisit all your favorite places in the mountains,” Will said, putting Oakley down on the toilet.

“I don’t want to,” Oakley said as Will stepped over to turn on the shower and fiddle with the water temperature.

“Tough,” Will told him.

Oakley growled a little and said, “At the risk of sounding like my niece, you can’t make me.”

“Eugenie has much better manners than that,” Will said, deciding the water was warm enough, then picking Oakley up again and carrying him into the shower. “And yes, I can make you.”

“No, you can’t,” Oakley insisted.

Someone had thought to put a shower chair in place, even if few other accommodations had been made to the house, so Will sat Oakley on that where he could balance himself by leaning his back against the wall.

“Fine,” he said, stepping back and grabbing the soap so he could wash himself. “Then get out of the shower, go get dressed, get yourself downstairs, and go home.”

Oakley glared up at him. “Fuck you.”

Will just smiled back at him, then handed him the soap once his whole body was sudsy. That was the sort of fire he wanted to see in Oakley. If he was hurling curses, it meant he wasn’t wallowing in self-pity or contemplating whatever it was that had him pushing Will away.

They cleaned up, and Oakley even let him help with dressing and shaving. Someone had brought Oakley’s chair upstairs after all, as it was waiting outside the bedroom door, but as nice as the gesture was, it only made things more complicated and time-consuming as Will took both Oakley and the chair back downstairs.

Complicated and time-consuming was exactly what Oakley needed, though. The more he had to fuss about things and think about practicalities, the less he seemed to be able to focus enough to push Will away. Moving the ramp around the house to get Oakley from room to room so that they could have breakfast and Oakley could take care of some staff business also distracted him away from things.

So much so that when Will strode into the study, where Oakley was meeting with Mrs. Millbeck about the possible renovations, and said, “Right. Everything’s ready. We’re going for a hike,” Oakley was taken completely by surprised.

“I told you, I don’t want to go out,” he said, sending Mrs. Millbeck a wary look.

“Non-negotiable,” Will said, moving to the desk and grabbing the handles of Oakley’s chair. “Sorry for stealing him from you, Mrs. Millbeck,” he added.

“Going outside will do you both a world of good,” Mrs. Millbeck said, getting up and accompanying them as Will took Oakley through to the nearest and most accessible exit, which happened to be through a set of French doors in a ridiculously large conservatory of some sort near the back gardens. “The gardens are looking particularly magnificent this year.”

“I don’t want—” Oakley started. He gave up, sending Mrs. Millbeck another look, as if he didn’t want her to know just how stubborn he could be.

Will had a feeling the woman already knew it. She accompanied them all the way until Will had Oakley outside, then shut the French doors behind them. Will was convinced he heard the snap of a lock as well.

“It’s too far to go to Grisdale Pike,” Oakley groused as Will walked ahead of him, forcing him to keep up on his own power.

“We don’t have to go all the way out there,” Will said, walking faster when he saw Oakley putting in effort to stay close. “You’ve got plenty of lovely hills on your own property. That one, for example.”

He pointed straight ahead to a large hill that framed part of a valley on the other side of the formal gardens.

“There’s no way my chair will make it up the path there,” Oakley sighed.

“You’re going to try,” Will told him, veering onto a narrow path leading toward the hill.

Oakley made a sound, but he didn’t reply, and he didn’t give up and turn around. Will kept walking, wishing he could enjoy the astounding view around him more. He’d had no idea just how extensive Oakley’s country house was. It brought home the fact that Oakley really was an earl and a billionaire. Money hadn’t seemed important to Oakley in the last few months, other than the accessibility issues it solved and the attempted gifts that Will didn’t really want.

Although he was wearing his watch as they marched on, not saying anything. Will closed his hand around the expensive watch, hoping and praying it wouldn’t end up as a touching memento of the one that got away.

Neither of them said anything for half an hour as they made their way out to the hill. Will tried to stay at Oakley’s side in case he needed help, but the determined way Oakley wasn’t looking at him and the increasingly emotional scowl Oakley wore was too much, and he kept walking ahead. He’d stop himself and slow his steps to walk beside Oakley now and again, but his own emotions were racing so viciously through him that he couldn’t settle on what he wanted to do.

He was terrified that this was it, that after this weekend, he and Oakley would part ways. He was angry that Oakley could just shut him out and toss him aside like that, without even giving him a chance. His heart bled for whatever inner struggle was making Oakley so distant, and he ached to work everything out and be the help that Oakley needed. He decided about five times that he would say something first and make it a clean break so that they could just get it over with instead of continuing to go through the motions. And about ten times, he nearly turned back, dropped to his knees, and begged Oakley to forgive him for pushing and to stay by his side.

“I can’t,” Oakley finally snapped once they’d started up the steeper, more rugged part of the hill. The skies had clouded over as well, and Will could smell rain in the air. “I can’t do this.”

Will stopped and turned to find Oakley red-faced and sweating as he leaned back in his chair. He gripped the wheels to stop himself from rolling backwards, but he looked as though he were holding on for dear life.

“Yes, you can do this,” Will insisted. He walked back to Oakley’s chair and leaned down, gripping the arms so that he could bring his face close to Oakley’s. “You are strong and you are capable. You can conquer this hill and anything else that stands in your way.”

“But I can’t,” Oakley shouted, his face contorting with anguish. “It used to be so easy. Everything used to be so simple. Now it’s not. And I can’t face knowing that I can’t do it anymore. I want to go back.”

“You can’t go back,” Will shouted before he could stop himself. “None of us can go back. You’re never going to walk again, Oakley, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go forward. That doesn’t mean you can’t see the world from the top of the hill anymore.”

“But it does,” Oakley shouted just as passionately back at him. “I’m not the man I was before. I’m not some sort of intrepid explorer. I’m not even inspiration porn fodder. I’m not going to climb Everest just to prove I can do anything. I can’t reach the places that were such a part of me such a short time ago, and I don’t want to bring everyone else down with me when I fall.”

“Well, you haven’t fallen yet,” Will said. He made a decision right then and there that he knew he would probably regret, but that he would be proud of. He reached his arms around Oakley and pulled him out of his chair. “If this is the last day we ever spend together, then I’m going to make it count,” he said. “Because whatever you think of me, I refuse to let you give up.”

With a grunt and more strength than he thought he had, he fumbled Oakley into his arms, supporting him as best he could and forcing Oakley to grab hold of him. He then turned toward the top of the hill, snarled as if it were his enemy, and started carrying Oakley up to the summit.