Chapter 13: QUIN

Thirteen

QUIN

T his dinner with my boss is the first time I have ever gone out with a man. I know it's not a date. I'm not stupid. Actually, after eight weeks, I think I understand Tanner Hollingsworth quite well and he is in no way shape or form attracted to me. He stares at me like I'm a curiosity because like most of the cruel, tall, and dangerously attractive men I've met, he finds my plus-sized body to be some type of freak show. He likes having me around because I'm safe. There's no one I'll go to with his secret, so all my appeal to him centers around that — my ability to shut up and stay out of trouble.

Attraction doesn't factor into it at all.

Eliminating any chance of attraction between me and Tanner should make it easier when he opens the door to his GMC Sierra and offers his hand to help me up. I glance at his hand like it's a foreign object because I've never actually been in that situation before. I've had more doors intentionally slammed in my face than held open. If you're not a plus-sized black woman, it's hard to believe how fucking badly random people will treat you in public.

"Take my hand," Tanner says gently. "It's pretty high up."

I just keep gawking at his hand like a shelter dog who's never experienced kindness before. Shame rushes through me and I feel self-conscious about my reaction. Tanner has rough hands that still have engine grease beneath the nails, but are otherwise clean. He has a tattoo around his wrist — barbed wire — and then a date printed beneath that.

I wonder if he's spent time behind bars or if he knows someone who has. He has a black spade tattooed on one of his fingers and a knife tattooed on his forearm. I wish I wasn't noticing his tattoos. Nervously, I reach for his hand and he helps me up into the truck.

I'm surprised by how strong he is, although I shouldn't be surprised by that. He knocked me out and had to carry me somehow to get me here. I don't know the details.

"One day, I'll take you on the bike. But you look too pretty for a dirty ride."

Did my boss just call me pretty? He shuts the door to the truck and climbs in the driver's side before his words hit me. Tanner looks over at me and smiles. I quickly look away.

"Honestly. I haven't been out in a while either. If you enjoy dinner… We could make this some type of ritual. You get a break from cooking and get some real food in you and… I don't have to worry about your safety."

"Are you really worried about that?"

I scrutinize his face for the truth because I was pretty sure Tanner brought me here for his own selfish reasons. By now, I'm sure those reasons aren't sexual, but they are definitely still selfish.

"Yes," he says. "It would be a lot of trouble to find another nanny I trust. You are great with Avery."

I nod, pretending that I don't notice how he smuggled me out of the house without his Aunt Deb meeting me. I don't know if that's for his safety or another reason. I'm just the nanny, so it's not like he would be ashamed to be seen with me.

"Do you have a preference for food? I could use a rack of ribs," he says. "I miss Texas barbecue. Arizona barbecue isn't all bad or anything, but you can't beat Texas."

I don't know enough about barbecue varieties to compare and I'm simultaneously nervous as hell and unclear why Tanner is even doing any of this. I thought this would be a simple trip to the drive thru. Now, I have to eat steak in front of my boss. Is he going to fire me? My mind can't relax. But Tanner seems thrilled.

"Barbecue sounds fine."

"Great," he says. "Mind if I play some Luke Combs?"

"Not at all."

He turns up the music and I'm glad that for the next twenty minutes, I don't have to talk. Although it's not like thinking makes my situation here any better…

Everything in Arizona is so spread out, so it shouldn't surprise me that it takes that long to get to the steakhouse or that there are no other buildings around. It's like an oasis in the desert, decked out in lights outside and neon signs that hearken to that touristy Route 66 All-American aesthetic.

Tanner parks the truck in the front next to three other motorcycles. He notices my nervous glance over at the bikes.

"The only folks out here will be club affiliates. Family friends own this place."

He seems sure of himself, but I'm not sure I share his confidence. He comes around to help me out of the truck and again, I have to touch his hand to get out. He squeezes my hand with a strange firmness that sends an unfamiliar warmth shooting straight through me. It's a feeling I've never had before, probably because I've never had a man who looks like Tanner this close to me.

"I hope you have an appetite," he says. "Because I'm hungry."

He puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me towards the door. The flush of warmth spreads everywhere and I move as fast as I can to get away from his hand. He's just my boss and most likely doing this is a protective and fatherly way… So I don't want to mess it up by getting myself all confused.

"Table for two," he says to the hostess, who stares at me the entire time he talks to her. I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I can't help but feel self conscious. What exactly is she judging about me? I look away, but I can still feel her eyes on me and I hate how self-conscious I am. Tanner appears blissfully unaware and totally confident. We get a booth in the back of the restaurant, glasses of water and then order.

He leans back and a cheeky grin crosses his face once the waitress brings our order to the kitchen.

"It's nice to be out," he says. "I needed a break from Avery."

"Your daughter?"

"Alleged daughter."

Now that I know Avery, it's getting harder for me to deny the truth about her. She has to be his. The girl has red hair. She has his blue eyes. His chubby cheeks. If she isn't his baby… Why would someone drop her on his doorstep making that claim? A guy with a firm, ripped body like Tanner Hollingsworth must lose track of all the women he sleeps with.

It would be downright unrealistic for him to keep track. One of those women has done the humane thing and left the child with him instead of with the system. Well, it would be humane if Tanner had the slightest bit of empathy. He barely spends any time with Avery at all.

It's like he hates her.

"She has red hair."

"So?" He says. "Lots of people have red hair."

"Statistically, that's not true."

"She's just as likely to be your daughter as mine," he responds gruffly and that placid grin on his face vanishes. I don't mean to push him, but it's hard not to defend Avery from his coldness.

"Are you any closer to getting test results?" I ask him.

"This discussion is over," he says firmly. I open my mouth to say something else, but his expression darkens so severely that I think better of it and sip my water. The waitress returns with drinks and I feel relieved when Tanner chugs half his Michelo in half a minute.

I stay quiet because I have nothing else to discuss aside from Avery. It's not like I'm going to tell him about my nightmares or about the dark shadow I see hovering in the corner of my room sometimes at night when I'm trying to sleep. My adopted brother's ghost is haunting me. Or maybe it's just anxiety. PTSD. Something.

Either way, Avery has been my only source of light since the incident and Tanner's coldness towards her doesn't impress me.

"Do you like football?"

"Not really."

"I thought we could go to a game. College. Arizona State."

"With Avery?"

His auburn eyebrows get all furrowed and frustrated.

"Football will be too loud for Avery. I'll get Aunt Deb to babysit again."

"Can we do something that includes Avery?"

He exhales impatiently. I know I'm pushing his buttons but… I don't care. She's his daughter. He might not want to accept it, but it's the truth and I don't want to spend time buddying up to some man who won't claim his own child.

That's just not who I am.