8. Emma

8

Emma

“ M om.” Kai stood next to Emma’s bed, shaking her shoulder. “Mom!”

“What is it, baby?”

“Teddy can’t stop crying.”

She sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Outside, the sky was just starting to fade from black to gray. Teddy’s disconsolate cries drifted up the stairs and through the open door.

“Sometimes babies cry, kiddo. Uncle Ethan’s got him.”

“But he’s been crying for hours .” Kai held up his surfer alarm clock, a recent transfer station find. Pointing at the neon-colored longboard and shortboard that were the hands of the clock, he said, “He’s been crying since the red board was here, and now it’s all the way here !”

“That’s twenty minutes.”

“Oh.” He looked at the clock for a moment, then back up at her with a scowl. “That’s still a long time.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Also I’m hungry.”

“Okay, okay, I’m up.” Emma pulled Adam’s old robe on against the morning chill and followed Kai down the stairs.

Juniper was pacing in the kitchen with her baby brother, trying unsuccessfully to hush his cries.

“Auntie Em, I don’t know what’s wrong with him!” At the sound of Juniper’s distressed voice in her ear, Teddy scrunched up his little face and wailed. “His diaper’s dry, and Dad just gave him a bottle a couple hours ago!”

“Sometimes babies cry,” Emma said for the second time that day. She held out her arms, and Juniper relinquished the screaming baby with relief. His whole body went tight with indignation at the handoff, and he wailed even louder. Emma cradled him in one arm, moving the screaming down away from her ear.

“I want waffles,” Kai whined.

“I can whip up some waffles,” Juniper volunteered.

“We still have some of Tara’s ‘ulu wafflers in the freezer,” Emma told her.

“Perfect.”

Emma grabbed a fuzzy blanket that was hanging over the back of one of the kitchen chairs, wrapped it around Teddy, and stepped outside.

The sky was bright behind a thin layer of clouds that looked as though they might actually burn off when the sun got a bit higher. The air was full of birdsong.

She rocked from side to side, humming and rubbing her nephew’s back.

Gradually, he quieted.

“Rough week, huh?” She smiled down at Teddy as she looked into his hazel-gray eyes. “First your mama disappears, and then your dad brings you to a whole new place full of new faces. You’re safe here, baby boy. I promise.”

Teddy’s breathing hiccuped and juddered, then slowly smoothed out as she continued to rock him and hum. Eventually, even the scowl above his owlish eyes relaxed.

“There you go, sweetheart. You’re okay.”

Slowly, his eyelids began to droop. A few minutes later, he was asleep. His body was warm and relaxed in Emma’s arms. She stood outside a while longer, watching a charm of saffron finches hop across the lawn and relishing the feeling of a baby in her arms.

She and Adam had always planned on having at least one more.

Now, she had accepted the fact that she never would.

Babies were so easy to love. Emma loved each of her nieces – and now her nephew – as dearly as her own son. Taking care of Teddy would be a joy.

But he wasn’t her baby. He was Ethan’s. And if anything could pull her brother back to the land of the living, it was his son.

She walked back up the steps and into the kitchen, where she was greeted by the warm smell of breadfruit waffles and the tang of lilikoi syrup. One of Juniper’s teas simmered on the stove, adding spiced steam to the air.

Kai and Juniper were at the table, their plates piled high.

“There’s more if you want it,” Jun said.

“Thank you.” Emma shifted Teddy’s weight in her arms. “Where’s your dad?”

Jun shrugged. “In his room, I think.”

Emma walked through the open door to the guest room and found her brother sitting in the dark. She paused for a second, then crossed to the window and opened the curtains. Weak morning sunlight filtered through, pushing back the recalcitrant gloom.

The curtains were old and musty, and she made a mental note to run them through the wash and hang them outside as soon as the sun broke through the clouds. Nearly everything in the house had been there for decades, and a stubborn mildew had settled into half of it. Emma had put most of her efforts into saving the garden, but now that she had decided to stay for good, it was time to give the inside of the house some love and attention too.

In all my free time, she thought wryly.

The garden and goats alone were a full-time job. Between that and homeschooling Kai and serving the community where she could, her days were full.

She settled Teddy in the hand-me-down crib she’d brought in and then turned to look at Ethan. He sat on the edge of the bed, staring into space, insensible of anything going on around him.

“Hey, little brother.” Emma was Twin A, born ten minutes first, and it was something she had lorded over him their entire childhood. At some point, it had become a term of endearment instead of a taunt. “How are you holding up?”

Ethan straightened and blinked. It was a few seconds before his eyes finally focused on her.

“Oh. Hi, Em.” He glanced at the open curtains. “Good morning?”

She sat down next to him and asked, “Did you sleep at all?”

“Yeah, I slept hard. That’s the easy part. It’s waking up that’s tough.”

Emma patted his back and looked out the window. Dio walked by with his nose to the ground, tail wagging behind him. The yard was turning from gray to gold as the sun climbed higher.

“The memorial’s today,” she said.

“Yup.” Ethan cleared his throat. “Her dad organized it. That’s half the reason I’m here, I think. Couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face him.”

“I get it. Going to Adam’s was awful. It felt like having my skin flayed off.”

“But would skipping it have been even worse?”

Emma watched through the window as Dio ran at a pair of doves, who took to the air with their usual dramatic racket.

“I don’t know.” She took a breath and stood. “We’ve got waffles in the kitchen. Come and eat while Teddy’s asleep.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I know.” She squeezed his shoulder. “Come and eat anyway.”

He sighed heavily, but he rose to his feet and followed her through to the kitchen.

“Mom, I’m done eating!” Kai shouted. “I even put my plate in the sink? Can I go next door? I’ll go the fence way. Piper said she’d show me the new bunnies.”

Emma glanced at the clock. In California, she never would have let Kai bother the neighbors before seven in the morning – not that they’d ever had kids next door to bother. But they lived in rural Hawaii, she knew that Tara’s whole household had been up since first light.

“Sure, that’s fine.”

“Thank you!” Kai raced out the kitchen door, and she closed it behind him.

“I’m headed out too.” Juniper stood by the stove, filling a travel mug with tea. “Cody and I are headed up to Nate’s place to pick lychee for a few hours, and then I’m meeting up with Lani.”

“Have fun.” Emma squeezed her arm in passing and put waffles into the toaster oven.

“I want you to come straight home after work,” Ethan said.

Juniper gave him a blank look. “What?”

“I think you should spend some time with me and your brother.”

“I just spent the whole morning with Teddy while you stared at a wall!”

“What ‘whole morning’, Jun? It’s not even seven o’clock.”

“I have to go,” she muttered and started for the door.

“Tell that Cody kid that he can bring you straight back here after work.”

She stopped to look at him, nostrils flared in irritation. “No.”

His whole body tensed. “Excuse me?”

“I said no! I have plans with Lani! I’m not flaking on her to babysit Teddy while you mope in your room.”

“I just wanted to spend some time together,” Ethan said, but his tone was hard. “I don’t know how much longer I can stay.”

“I thought you were staying indefinitely!”

“There’s nothing for rent in Pualena. It’s nothing but moldy hovels or insane vacation prices. It’s bad enough that one of us is mooching off of your aunt. I can’t stay here forever.”

Juniper’s face paled, her freckles standing as stark as they had before she’d picked up an island tan. Emma met her eyes, trying to tell her with a look that she wasn’t mooching, that she wasn’t a burden. They loved having her there.

“I’ll see you later,” she said quietly. Without glancing at her dad, she turned and opened the kitchen door.

“Juniper May Flores!” he shouted.

She just slammed the door behind her in reply.

In the guest bedroom, Teddy wailed. Emma started forward, but Ethan held up a hand to stop her.

“No.” He stood so quickly that his chair clattered into the wall behind it. “I’ll get it.”

She left him alone for a few minutes, long enough to drink a cup of the tea that Jun had made. It was a warming blend, spiced with ginger and turmeric.

It hurt to watch him snap and snarl at Jun, but who was she to judge? In the months following Adam’s death, she had barely crawled out of bed. Her mother and sisters – and Ethan – had kept her fridge stocked and looked after Kai. When they weren’t around, her son had spent his days watching Minecraft videos and subsisting off of yogurt packs from the fridge.

At least Ethan was showing up for his kids… or trying to.

Once Teddy had been quiet for a while, Emma walked back into the guestroom. The baby was asleep in his crib, and Ethan stood looking out the window.

“Are you ready for some food?” she asked.

“No. Thank you.”

“How about a cup of tea?”

Ethan turned to look at her, his eyes full of pain. “She looks just like her mom.”

“Does she?”

“Just like Laurel at that age.”

Emma felt her face pull into a frown, and she tried to smooth it out.

When she looked at Juniper, she saw the Flores side of the family. Her hazel eyes were just like Ethan’s – and their green-and-gold irises were the one place that Emma and her twin brother were identical.

Jun’s high cheekbones were the same as Toni’s, and she had Liz’s nose. The freckles that speckled both her nose and her cheeks were all her own. Sometimes, when she shot Ethan a dirty look, she looked just like her grandmother.

But Laurel? Emma didn’t see it.

“Don’t you think she looks just like her mom?” he pressed.

“She’s grown into a beautiful young woman,” she said. “Laurel was stunning.”

Ethan sank onto the bed and buried his face in his hands. “God, Em. What if she never gets over this?”

“I don’t know if anyone ever gets over a loss like this.” Emma sat next to her brother and put a hand on his back. “Grief doesn’t work that way. But I do know that she’ll get through it. I have faith that she’ll be okay.”

“I feel like I’m failing her.”

“You’re not. You’ve done an amazing job. She’s an extraordinary kid.”

He took a long, shaky breath. “I thought it was a fresh start. For all of us. I thought Jun could finally get her mom back. She seemed different.” He raised his head and looked her in the eye, then asked in a desperate tone, “Don’t you think she seemed different?”

“I remember she was glowing.”

“She was so excited about Teddy. She wanted so badly to reconnect with Jun. Maybe if she had stayed–”

“No,” Emma cut him off. “Don’t do that. Not to her, and not to yourself. What-ifs can drive you crazy if you let them.”

His shoulders slumped. “I thought she was really recovered this time.”

“I know.”

“You must think I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot.”

“A smart man wouldn’t have given her so many second chances.”

“You’re not stupid, Ethan. Loyal to a fault, maybe.”

He made a harsh sound, somewhere between a laugh and a cough.

Emma sighed and rubbed her brother’s shoulder. He had just loved Laurel so much – with everything he had, and everything he was. He had devoted his entire adult life to her care… to his detriment, and Jun’s.

Maybe now, he could finally find some peace. Not overnight, but eventually.

Bit by bit, piece by piece, he could start to figure out who he was without her.

Teddy started to wail again, and Ethan jumped to his feet.

“You get him,” Emma said. “I’ll make a bottle.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ethan told her, already reaching into the crib.

“It’s okay. I want to.”

She went into the kitchen and started some water warming on the stove, then opened the can of expensive formula that Ethan had brought with him.

Given free reign, she would have given Teddy fresh milk from the goats in the backyard. But Ethan had about pitched a fit when she had suggested it, and he was the parent.

As she mixed the formula, her eyes went to the yoga schedule on the fridge.

“I’m going to head to a yoga class,” she told Ethan when she handed the bottle over.

“Okay.” He propped his son up against his chest and tested the formula on the inside of his wrist. “I’m sorry, Em. I’ll find a place soon. Or we can head back to Redwood Grove.”

“You don’t need to do that. You being here isn’t a burden, and neither is Jun.”

“Yeah, you say that.” His smile was brittle. “But you deserve some peace and quiet.”

“You can stay as long as you’d like.”

“Us boys could use some space of our own, I think. You go ahead. I’m going to step out on the porch, get some fresh air and sunshine.”

Emma stood for a minute, watching him walk away, wishing that there was something more she could do for him… but she had to start by taking care of herself.

She ran upstairs, changed her clothes, and texted Tara.

Okay if Kai hangs with you guys for a couple hours while I go to a yoga class?

Of course, Tara responded a minute later.

And then, Stop by after class if you want to taste test my new lilikoi tarts. They’re not quite ready for meal delivery, but I can’t figure out what they need.

Sounds like a plan , Emma said. Thanks!

Teddy was crying again when Emma walked through the living room and out to the car. She wondered if his little belly was having trouble adjusting to the formula – it seemed that he cried after feedings more often than not. Poor guy.

A big part of her wanted to go back inside, but she forced herself to keep walking.

There was helping, and then there was being an overbearing nuisance.

Her family’s help had kept her afloat after Adam died, but eventually their overbearing concern had sent her fleeing across the ocean in search of some peace. There was a balance to be found there, and her family – her mother in particular – had leaned in a bit too far.

She was still figuring out the balance when it came to Ethan and his infant son. She wanted to help her brother, but she also didn’t want to overwhelm him or take over Teddy’s care so completely that Ethan was left without anything to anchor him.

Anxiety moved through Emma’s body in tremors as she drove the few minutes over to Fern’s yoga class. It was more than confusion over how best to help her family through this, though that was a big part of it.

It was incredibly difficult trying to support Ethan through his grief when her own was still so raw. She had only just found some stability in her life and in her heart; it hadn’t even been a full year since she’d lost Adam. There was a bitterness beneath her sympathy that frightened her.

Yes, Ethan had loved his wife. But the woman had been in and out of rehab for over a decade; the sweet girl he’d married had disappeared a long time ago.

Adam was Emma’s whole life. They had done everything together, been everything to each other, and their relationship had only grown stronger and deeper over the years.

She hated herself for comparing the two, for thinking that her brother felt his loss any less deeply than she did. But that bitterness was still there, simmering away beneath all of her soft words, no matter how much she tried to quash it.

When the two-story building came into view, she remembered the yoga teacher’s plea from the week before in a sudden flash of inspiration.

The yoga teacher was outside already, graceful and statuesque as she set out props for class. Somehow she looked even taller without her dreads.

“Good morning, Fern.”

“Hi!” Her smile was warm. “Emma, right? It’s good to see you again.”

“You too. Hey, is that apartment still available?”

“Yeah! Two bedrooms on the second floor. Why, are you looking?”

“Not for me, but I think I know the perfect tenant…”