4. Emma

4

Emma

W hile Juniper was still next door, Emma washed her face and pulled herself together.

She filled Nell in on the phone call, and Kai was playing with Cassie at the ‘ohana house so that Emma and Juniper could talk without interruption.

She considered going next door and breaking the news to Juniper there but dismissed it almost immediately.

If Juniper wanted to lean on her friend – boyfriend? – that was her prerogative, but Emma would tell her alone. There in the house, where it was safe to break down, where she could cry or rage or retreat to her room or whatever it was that she needed to do.

Grief was such an individual thing; people froze in shock as often as they broke down. Emma didn’t know how to break the news, didn’t know how to hold her niece through such a sudden and devastating loss, but she would try her best.

Juniper had devised dozens of different tea blends since moving to Hawaii, and Emma had learned a lot simply through osmosis. She walked out to the garden and gathered a pot full of calming herbs: chamomile, catnip, lavender, and passionflower.

Back in the kitchen, just the aroma of the steam rising up from the tea as it simmered was enough to smooth the frazzled edges of her nerves.

She turned the water off and let it cool for a few minutes before adding lemon balm, saving the delicately flavored leaves for last like she’d seen Juniper do.

Hours passed, and Emma channeled her nervous energy into cleaning.

She didn’t know if Juniper was still cooking with Tara or just hanging out with Cody… either way, she was in no rush to break the news. Beneath her own sorrow and anxiety, she felt grateful that her niece had one last carefree day in which her mother was still, in her reality, alive and well.

A phone call pulled her out of her own head, and she stopped scrubbing the floor long enough to check the screen. Toni again.

“Hi,” she answered.

“Hey. How is she?”

“Not home yet.”

“Where is she?”

“Next door.” Emma put her earbuds in, set her phone on the counter, and continued scrubbing. It was crazy how quickly spaghetti sauce splatters and muddy paw prints accumulated.

“Is she with that neighbor kid?”

“Cody.”

“Yeah, him.”

“She went over to help Tara cook, but it’s been a while. They might still be working, but I don’t know. She might have stayed to hang out with her friend.”

“Is that what he is?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Emma stood to wash the dirty rag out in the sink. “Maybe more.”

“She talks about him all the time. Cody this, Cody that.”

“Does she?” Emma bit her lip. “She hardly talks to me at all. At least, not about stuff like that. Stuff that matters. I’m the wrong aunt to be doing this, Toni.”

“You’re the one who’s there. And she loves you.”

“Meaning that I’ll have to do.”

“Better than a phone call, I think. But if you want me to–”

“No. No, it’s okay. I’m just anxious.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to ask her what’s up with her and Cody. I saw the two of them holding hands, and Tara was talking like they’re a bonafide couple. Cody probably talks to her way more than Jun talks to me. I’ve still been trying to figure out how to even relate to her, like what it means to be her aunt when her parents are thousands of miles away… and now this.”

“She’s more grown up than most of the adults I’ve met.”

“I know she’s brilliant, Toni, but she’s still a kid.”

“Yeah.” Toni sighed. “I know. I wish I could be there. I’m working on finding someone to cover the markets for me so that I can come out for a visit. Summer is just–”

“I know. I get it.” Emma knelt down and started on another section of the floor. It felt good to pour her energy into something that yielded visible results, even if Kai and Dio would just muddy the floors up as soon as they dried.

“He’s a good kid?” Toni asked.

“The best. You’d love him.”

“At least she’s got good taste. I’ve just been feeling anxious about that today, about them.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just worried about him taking advantage while she’s vulnerable, you know?”

“He’s not like that.”

“He’s a teenage boy.”

“He’s a good kid, Toni. He’s responsible. Basically the man of the house since his father ran out on them. He does all of the deliveries for his mom’s business on top of his classes, and now he’s working with Jun and ferrying her all around. Seems like all the kid does is work. But he’s easygoing, super kind to all the younger kids.

“Honestly,” she continued, “I hope that they are together. It would be good for her to have someone to lean on, someone who can hold her together while she falls apart. Like you and Liz and Ethan did for me.”

“She has you, doesn’t she?”

“I’m here for her. Unconditionally. But she doesn’t confide in me. It’s not the same.”

“You didn’t confide in us before Adam died. Not really. It was just the two of you. The dynamic duo. Always.”

“And I met him when I was even younger than Jun. Young love can be the real deal, Toni. It happens.”

“Have you been telling her that?”

“No, we haven’t talked about it. But she knows my story.”

“And she knows her mother’s story,” Toni muttered. “Laurel was her age exactly when she got knocked up, and look how that turned out.”

“It gave us Jun,” Emma protested softly.

Toni was quiet for a moment. “You’re right. God, Em, I’m sorry. I haven’t slept in like three days. I didn’t mean to call and rag on you.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

Toni let out a breath of relief. “Thanks.”

“You should rest.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I’ll try. But my phone’s on. I’m here if you need me. Either of you.”

“I know. Thank you.”

It was another hour before Juniper came home, bright and sparkling as the kitchen that Emma had just scrubbed within an inch of its life.

“Hey Auntie Em! Tara sent you some breadfruit salad. Do you want it now, or should I stick it in the fridge?”

“In the fridge is fine.” Emma went to the stove and poured them two mugs of lukewarm tea.

“Okay if I go away this weekend?” Juniper yanked the fridge open and slotted the plastic container in before closing it again. “Tara and her boyfriend are taking the kids camping Kona side, and Cody invited me to go with them. It’s fine with Tara. Would you mind? We’re just going for two nights.”

Words stuck in Emma’s throat as she handed Juniper one of the mugs.

“Hey, it’s my calming blend,” Juniper said after a sip. “Are you okay, Auntie Em? You look stressed.”

“Would you come sit on the couch with me for a minute?” Emma asked, her voice creaking. She moved towards the living room, but Juniper stayed rooted where she stood.

“You’re scaring me.” Juniper’s whole demeanor changed in a blink from a carefree seventeen year old to a world-weary young woman who knew what it was like to find her mother unconscious on the bathroom floor, barely breathing, lips turning blue.

It was a small mercy that she hadn’t been there to find Laurel this time around.

Emma wondered who had found her sister-in-law’s body. Had she died at home for Ethan to find? Or had she overdosed in a public bathroom somewhere, minutes after getting her fix? Both possibilities were horrible to contemplate.

If Toni had given her those details, Emma hadn’t heard her.

She walked into the living room and around to the front of the sofa, where she perched on the nearest cushion with her mug of tea clutched between two hands. Juniper followed, setting her own drink down on the coffee table with an agitated thunk .

“What’s going on?” Jun demanded.

“Sit down, honey. Please?”

“She overdosed again, didn’t she?”

No words came out when Emma opened her mouth, but Juniper took the look on her face as confirmation. She threw herself onto the couch and put her head in her hands, grabbing two handfuls of hair like she might rip it out. A moment later, she threw her hands down, slapping the cushions with both palms.

“Jun–” Emma reached for her niece, but Juniper didn’t look at her.

“How could she? Teddy is tiny ! He’s so little! At least with me she stayed clean until I was, what, four? She went through this whole freaking spiel about how this time it was real, she was finally sober for good. Even her dad was talking to her again! And my dad was right there with her, all dopey eyed like a new baby would make a difference.”

She growled in frustration and pressed her hands to her eyes. “The worst thing is, I believed her too! I thought she had finally pulled it together. I feel so stupid .”

“It’s not stupid to hope,” Emma said.

“It is,” she insisted. “Sometimes it is. You never thought she’d get clean for good, did you?”

“I hoped she would.”

“Exactly.” Juniper’s tone was savage.

The truth was, Emma hadn’t believed that Laurel would be okay. As much as she tried to be supportive, any real hope that she’d harbored had gone out the window after her sister-in-law’s third or fourth relapse. They had even staged an intervention of sorts for Ethan while his wife was in rehab, begging him to end things for Juniper’s sake… it hadn’t gone well. It was nearly a year before they saw him or Jun again.

She had hoped for recovery, a fervent wish that the woman her brother loved so desperately would finally get her life on track… but after over a decade of mental illness and addiction, she’d never had any real faith in Laurel’s ability to stay clean. When she’d learned about the second pregnancy, she’d felt a deep sense of dread.

Now Laurel was gone, and Emma felt sick with guilt.

What if she had believed in her?

What if she had stayed in Redwood Grove and shown up for them every day?

Those questions would haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Where is she now?” Juniper’s voice was hoarse with unshed tears. “Same rehab place as last time?”

“Sweetheart…” Emma looked her niece in the eyes. “She didn’t make it this time.”

Juniper froze, her hazel eyes wide. She shook her head, almost imperceptibly at first, and then faster. Emma reached for her hand, but she flinched away.

“Your mom passed away last night.”

She squeezed her eyes shut and put her hands up over her ears, curling forward like a child anticipating a beating. Emma ran a hand up and down her hunched back, wishing that there was something she could do to ease her niece’s pain.

“I’m so sorry.”

Juniper went perfectly still. Was she even breathing?

Then she took a sudden breath in, a ragged gasp, and burst into tears. She slid off of the couch and curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around her legs and hiding her face as she sobbed.

Emma joined her on the floor and put both arms around her, as if doing so could somehow hold her together. Her own tears fell silently, dripping down her cheeks and into Juniper’s auburn hair. Just a few weeks of island sunshine had lightened it, bringing out the red undertones beneath the dark brown. It was closer to Emma’s color now than Laurel’s.

They sat there on the floor for a long time before Juniper’s sobs finally subsided. She sat up straight, moping at her face with her shirt, and Emma handed her a box of tissues.

Juniper accepted it and blew her nose, still not meeting her eyes. She stuffed the used tissue in her pocket and picked her tea up off of the table. It had long since gone cold, but she took a long drink anyway.

“What do you want to do?” Emma asked. “Do you want to go home?”

Jun’s eyes went wide. “I am home! Do I have to go?”

“No!” She reached out and patted her back again. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean it that way. You have a home here as long as you want one. I just meant, if you do want to go back and be with your dad, I can get you a ticket.”

“I don’t want to go. Does that make me selfish?”

“No.” Emma scooted closer and put an arm around her shoulders. “You’re not selfish. You’re seventeen. It’s not your job to take care of anyone else.”

“Dad must be wrecked.”

“Yeah.” There was no use denying it. Laurel was his whole heart. “But he’ll find his way through. He’ll do it for you, and for Teddy. Just like I did for Kai.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do. It might take a while, but he has support there. Toni and Liz and your grandma are all taking care of Teddy, and I’m sure they’re looking after your dad too. Just like they did for me.”

“I should be there too. I should be helping.”

“No. Not unless you want to. It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Really?”

“Really, Jun. I know you don’t act like it very often, but you’re still a kid. All you have to do right now is take care of yourself. Grief is hard to navigate, but I’m here for you. Toni’s there too, anytime you need to talk.”

She was quiet for a while. Eventually she said, “I almost feel… relieved. Is that horrible?”

“It’s understandable.” Emma held her niece tighter and kissed the top of her head.

“My mom just… she had these voices in her head that she could never get away from. She tried so hard,” Juniper’s voice broke, and she blew her nose again before continuing, “but she never really got free of whatever it was that had a hold on her. Do you think that all that stuff in her head, it was physical? Like it was health stuff, right? In her brain?

“I mean–” Juniper scrubbed the palms of her hands over her swollen eyes and let out a frustrated breath. “Gah. I sound stupid. I mean, what I’m trying to say is, do you think she found peace? Now that she’s free of her body? Do you think she can finally be okay?”

“Yeah.” Emma wrapped her arms around Jun again, pulling her into a hug. “Yeah, I do.”

Juniper started to cry again, but it was more peaceful this time. More of a summer rain than a hurricane. She was releasing years of pent-up trauma. Emma figured it was the healthiest possible response, and it gave her hope.

“I’m here,” she said quietly, rubbing her niece’s back as she cried. “Let it out. I’ve got you.”

Juniper put her arms around her, crying into her shoulder – letting herself be held and comforted.

She felt a sudden certainty that Jun would be okay.

Healing from this wouldn’t be easy, or pretty, or quick. But it could be done.

And Emma would hold her together, however long it took.