22. Fern

22

Fern

“ H ow much farther?” Ethan huffed, out of breath.

“You’re tired already?” She turned around with a grin, putting her hands on her hips.

“Honestly?” His answering grin was bashful and boyish. “Yeah.”

“How is that possible? You never stop moving!”

“I’m used to working all day, but I can’t remember the last time I went for a real hike.”

“Is this a real hike?” she teased, walking backwards now. “Pretty sure the elevation gain is, like, negative twenty feet.

“From start to finish, sure. But it’s up and down the whole way.”

“Do you want me to carry Theodore for a while?”

“No. Thank you.” He stood straighter and tightened the straps on the oversized baby carrier he’d found at the transfer station. It was basically a baby-sized tent, and Theo was snoozing on his dad’s back beneath a zipped-up structure of mosquito netting.

“Are you sure? We’ve got another mile or two.”

“I’ve got him.”

“Onward, then.” Fern’s long legs ate up the narrow trail as she stepped over errant tree roots and leapt over muddy puddles. They had started out on the coast, walking along the black rock of the cliffs, and then cut into the jungle when the back of Ethan’s neck turned red.

When the trail widened enough for two, he moved up to walk by her side.

“It’s good to get out,” he said after a while. “I haven’t explored at all since I got here.”

“There’s so much to see.”

“I know. I’ve done the tourist thing a few times… a lifetime ago, now.”

“It’s easy to get complacent when you actually live here. No end date, no racing against the clock.”

“Island time.”

Fern laughed. “Exactly. I crossed some big things off my bucket list when I first got here. But then, once I settled in, I just sort of stopped exploring. Which is silly, really, when proximity to all those new adventures is the reason I moved here.”

“What were the top things on your list?”

“Oh, the basics. I saw the lava at night, snorkeled the reefs, that kind of stuff.”

“And what, it didn’t meet your expectations?”

“The opposite! It was amazing.”

“So why did you stop?”

“Honestly? My ex lost interest, and I really hate driving places alone. It’s lame, but it gives me anxiety. I can hike for hours, fly to a foreign country on my own, whatever. There’s just something about driving.”

“Well, there’s an easy solution to that.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll be your driver.”

“Yeah,” she scoffed. “Sure.”

“I mean it! Lord knows I need to get out more, and Theo’s easy.”

“He is.”

“With Juniper, car rides were a nightmare. The poor kid would scream bloody murder any time we put her in the car seat. Couldn’t take her anywhere. But this one just passes out as soon as the car’s moving.”

“He’s a good little traveler.”

“So. I’ll be your driver, and you’ll be my guide.”

“I’ll be a pretty poor guide if we’re going to places I’ve never seen before.”

He grinned at her. “Good company, though.”

Fern’s cheeks blazed in a way that went beyond the heat of the day and the miles they’d covered. She looked ahead and saw the trail glowing brighter as the deep shade of the jungle gave way to a break in the trees.

“Nearly there,” she said, lengthening her stride.

A few minutes later, they emerged onto the dazzling brightness of a white-sand beach. It was the closest beach to Pualena as the crow flies, but no roads went anywhere near it. It was a long, hot walk along the cliffs or a twisting trek through the jungle to get there, and most tourists didn’t even know that it existed.

“The place is gorgeous,” Ethan said, panting slightly from the clip at which they’d finished their hike, “and we have it all to ourselves.”

“Just us and the honu.” She pointed at the sea turtles that were basking in the sunshine at the other end of the little beach.

“Oh, wow,” he breathed. “Look at that.”

Up on his back, Theo squealed in protest.

“Sorry, bud. Let’s get you out of there.”

Theodore was sweaty and grumpy inside of his little tent, and Fern had to laugh at his scowl. She unclipped him and lifted him out, then retreated into the shade of the trees before the sun could burn his fair skin.

Ethan set the backpack down with a sigh of relief.

“I’d like to jump in for just a minute to cool off, if that’s okay?”

“That’s what we’re here for,” she said.

He peeled off his sweaty t-shirt and tossed it onto the rocks beside the pack.

Fern watched shamelessly as he jogged down to the water. His broad shoulders were the same lightly toasted color as the sand underfoot, and she couldn’t help but admire the strong lines of his back.

Theo grumbled in a way that said he was about thirty seconds from a full-blown meltdown, and Fern gave him her full attention. She settled cross-legged in the sand, held him in her lap, and pulled a silicone spoon from her backpack. Theo grabbed at it with both hands.

They had started him on solid food recently, and he’d taken to it like a starving man. His favorite was a beef and sweet potato puree, and Fern had packed a jar of that for his lunch.

Ethan wasn’t gone long, but Theo had finished a full serving by the time his dad strode back onto dry land.

“I feel like a new man,” he said as he joined them in the shade. “That was amazing.”

“Worth the hike?”

“Every bit of it.” He pulled a travel towel from the pack and scrubbed the saltwater out of his hair. His eyes met hers when he brought the towel down to his chest. She’d been staring again.

Quickly, she turned her face away and fixed her eyes on the turtles down the beach.

“You should jump in.” Ethan bent down and picked Theodore up off of her lap. “The water’s perfect.”

Fern unfolded her legs and rose to her feet in one motion.

She might be awkward, but at least she wasn’t clumsy.

The hot sand burned the bottoms of her feet as she walked down to the waves, where the water provided instant relief. She waded in carefully, weaving around the rocks that littered the shore, until it was deep enough to swim. Then she dove under, letting the Pacific cleanse the heat and sweat from her skin.

She stayed out in the little bay for a long time, floating in the cool water as gentle waves rolled beneath her. The sky was impossibly blue, dotted here and there with fluffy white clouds. When she let her legs drop again to tread water, she noticed that a baby fish the size of her thumbnail was circling her.

She stayed out a while longer, kicking her legs in a leisurely way and watching the tiny fish disappear beneath the glare of the water and reappear on her other side.

Finally, when her body temperature started to drop despite the summer sun warming her head and neck, she swam back to shore.

“Enjoy your swim?” Ethan asked when her feet hit the sand.

“It was delicious.”

“That’s what Theo said about the squash puree.”

“Oh yeah?”

“He ate it all.”

“Man, that was a big lunch!”

“He’s a growing boy.”

“I swear he’s twice as big as he was when you moved in.”

“It’s crazy how fast they grow.”

She sat down next to them in the sand. Ethan knelt in shallow water, holding Theodore out in front of him so that his bare feet could splash in the ocean.

“We should leave sooner than later, if he’s out of food.”

“Sorry,” Ethan said. “I should have packed more.”

“No big deal. Better to hike back before the day gets too hot anyway.”

“It’s already blazing.”

“Want to jump in and cool off before we start back?”

“Definitely. Would you take him?”

“Of course.” Her hands brushed his as she reached for the baby, and she felt a warmth that had nothing to do with the summer sunshine.

“Thank you.” He stood looking at her for a moment, just inches away – and then he turned and splashed into the water.

“Look at that, Theo,” she said, holding him on one hip. “Daddy’s going for a swim.”

Theo reached his arm out, frowning.

“He’ll be back soon,” she assured him.

“Dadada,” he said, still reaching for Ethan. “Dadadada.”

She was silent for a moment, shocked. Then she turned her face away from Theo’s ear and shouted, “Ethan! He said Dada!”

“What?” He put a hand over his eyes, shielding them against the glare as he turned to look back at them.

“He said Dada!” she shouted again.

Ethan ran back so fast that he tripped over a rock and stumbled. He cursed and kept running.

“Dadada!” Theo reached for him with both arms.

“That’s me!” Ethan put his hands around Theo’s chest and held him up over his face.

“Say it again,” Fern encouraged him, standing at Ethan’s shoulder.

“Dadadada!” he babbled, smiling.

“He’s a genius,” Ethan declared. “Just like his big sister. Juniper talked early too. She was speaking in sentences by the time she was one.”

“You hear that, Theodore? You’re a baby genius.”

He handed Theo back to her like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Do you want to hike back? Or did you want to swim again first?”

“I’m good to head back,” she said.

“Okay.” Ethan sighed and took one last look around the beach. “We’ll have to bring more food next time – for Theo and for us. Make a day of it.”

“Sounds good to me.”

He smiled and held her eyes again – for one heartbeat, two – and this time she was the one to look away first.

She turned towards the shade and said, “We should get Theo out of the sun.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. He started to walk, then ran until his feet found the cool sand at the upper edge of the beach.

Fern danced across the hot sand, her feet barely making contact with each leap, and Theodore giggled as he bounced in her arms.

As long as the hike back was, it felt like it took them no time at all to get back to the car. And by the time they got home – just a five-minute drive from the trailhead – Theo was sound asleep.

Fern eased him out of his car seat without waking him, and she walked upstairs with his warm, sweaty little body cradled in her arms. She stood for a moment in his room, rocking him, making sure that he was deeply asleep. When she heard Ethan walk through the front door, she reluctantly lowered Theo into his crib.

In that moment she felt a visceral understanding of all the baby-wearing, co-sleeping mamas. If Theo were hers, she would never want to put him down either.

He wasn’t hers, and it still hurt to be away from him.

Walking away from Ethan was getting harder and harder too.

She was in way over her head, and she knew that she was headed for heartbreak… but in that moment, she didn’t care. This was enough – it had to be enough. She would take what time she could get and deal with the emotional fallout when it happened.

“He’s out,” she said as she walked into the living room.

“What a little trooper. He must be exhausted.”

“He loves being outside, though. Especially up in that pack! I think he loves the view from up there.”

“Thank you for showing me that trail. I never would have known it was there – or even gone looking.”

“Thanks for coming with me.” Feeling like she had overstayed her welcome, Fern moved towards the door.

“Stay a while?” The words came out in a rush, and there was such vulnerability in his eyes, all she could do was nod. “I can make some lunch.”

“I’m not really hungry. I can stay a while, though.”

“Want to come through to the balcony?”

“Sure.”

They walked through Ethan’s room – the master bedroom Fern had shared with Chad. That felt like a lifetime ago, even though Ethan and Theo had just moved in earlier that summer.

He had done so much to the house in that time that it felt like a completely different apartment. The view was the same, though.

“I love it out here.” The breeze off of the ocean cooled her neck the moment she walked outside, and she took a deep breath of the fresh air.

“I feel bad that I took it from you.”

“I had to move out either way. I’m glad it was you and Theo that moved in.”

“Me too.”

She had been looking out towards the horizon, but he was looking at her, standing close enough to touch. When she turned to look at him, he didn’t step back or look away.

“Fern, when I’m with you,” Ethan faltered, took a breath, and pressed forward, “it’s the only time I feel okay.”

He frowned and ran a hand through his hair. It was twice as long as it had been when they met. Time in the sun had tanned his skin and turned his brown hair auburn.

“Those aren’t the right words,” he muttered, looking down into the yard. “It makes it sound like you’re a distraction, and that’s not what I’m trying to say.”

“What are you trying to say?” she asked softly.

“Construction projects, TV shows, those are distractions. And I’ve been doing plenty of distracting myself, believe me. But you and me… that’s something else. When I’m with you, that’s the only time I feel like I’m really here . I hate being away from you, even when you’re just downstairs.”

He looked at her with something like fear in his eyes.

“I’m not totally off base, am I? If I’m crossing a line, tell me to shut up.”

Fern didn’t say a word. Instead, she reached out and wove her fingers through his.

Ethan let out a breath of relief.

“Maybe it’s too soon, and maybe it doesn’t make sense from the outside, but me and you and Theo… it feels right. When I’m with you, that’s the only time I feel like myself.” He looked at her with complete vulnerability in his hazel-green eyes. “You make me feel whole again.”

She put a hand up to his face and let herself feel the texture of his reddish-brown beard. She’d been wondering for weeks what it would feel like beneath her hand, on her neck… but she hadn’t really thought that he saw her that way. Even in that moment, she wasn’t sure.

Then he leaned in with a kiss that vanquished any lingering doubt.

She’d had her share of first kisses, but this … this was something else entirely.

She forgot everything outside that moment, anything beyond the smell of sunshine in his hair and the salt that still clung to his skin.

Then reality came crashing back in.

“Dad,” Juniper called out, closing the front door behind her. “You home?”

Ethan cursed under his breath and then smiled apologetically as he pulled away. Fern gave him a dopey smile of her own as she took a step back.

“Sorry,” he murmured.

“It’s okay. We have time.”

He closed the distance between them with one last, fierce kiss that made her head spin.

“There’s my Teddy Bear!” Juniper said inside.

By the time Fern opened her eyes again, she was alone on the balcony.

“What are you doing in here all alone?” Jun cooed.

“He was taking a nap,” Ethan said, but there was no reprimand in his tone.

“Well, he’s wide awake now. Look how happy he is to see me!”

“We’re always happy to see you, Jun.”

“Yeah right,” she said playfully.

“Where are you going?”

“I want to get his favorite book, that one with the birds. Is it still in your room?”

Fern moved to the far corner of the balcony, but there was nowhere to hide. Ethan had taken down the heavy curtains that used to hang in the master bedroom, and there was nothing between her and his daughter but wide planes of glass.

“Hey Jun.” She waved awkwardly.

Juniper’s expression went blank. She looked between Fern’s guilty expression and the apprehension on her dad’s face.

“Seriously?” Her tone was scathing as she shoved Theo into Ethan’s arms. “Mom’s been dead for, like, two minutes.”

“Jun.” He started after her, but the whole house shook when she slammed the front door.

She ran inside and held her arms out for Theo.

“I have to talk to her,” Ethan said.

“I know. Go. I’ve got Theodore.”

Theo went to her happily, and Ethan kissed them both before running out the door and down the stairs after his daughter.

Fern sank onto the couch, too overwhelmed to put her thoughts into words.

In spite of everything – and everything was a bit of a mess – she felt a warm, unshakable happiness growing in her chest.

She wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t young or naive.

This – whatever this was – would take work. His family might be slow to adjust, and they both had plenty of baggage to unpack. But she wanted to do that work with him.

As messy as it was, it felt right .

Theodore grumbled, pulling her back into the present moment.

“Hungry?” she asked.

“Bababababa,” he said seriously.

“Got it,” she confirmed with a grin.

She wasn’t sure if he was actually asking for a bottle or if that was just baby babble, but he must be hungry. He was overdue for a fresh diaper, too.

“Come on, Theo,” she said as she stood. “I’ve got you.”