17. Jackson

The harsh winter air and snow beneath my skis were exactly the kinds of things I needed after the intensity of my week.

I'd flown into the Colchester Resort this morning by helicopter after deciding that I'd had enough time away from my closest friend. He ran the resort and skiing had always been his deepest passion, but he had an accident that unfortunately caused him to stop competing. Owning and running a resort was the next best thing in his eyes and luckily I got first dibs on the freshly snow-ridden mountains with him.

"I need to know every single in and out of what the hell is going on with you," he laughed as he greeted me, clunking his way up to my side while we waited for the ski lift seat to scoop us up. "I know you've been texting me but man, I know that isn't telling the full story. How's Mandy?"

I grunted as metal hit the back of my knee, forcing it to buckle. I fell back onto the seat, the swaying throwing me off kilter. "Uh, yeah, she's good. I mean, she's changed a lot since NYU."

Wade boarded much more gracefully, unsurprisingly. He pulled the bar above us down over our heads, locking us in place. "That's not surprising. You have, too, Jack."

The ground below moved farther and farther away as the lift ascended up the mountain. I'd never been one to be afraid of heights, but every time I got on a damn ski lift with Wade and he moved around rocking the damn thing, I thought I might die. "Jesus, can you stop moving?" I snapped, my knuckles tightening around the bar. "I might have changed but not nearly as drastically. She's become a stubborn, angry shell of herself. It's frustrating trying to dig her back out."

"It's been ten years," he sighed, one gloved hand clasping my shoulder. "She's not going to just naturally open back up to you. She's not the same bubbly, pinball-obsessed girl she was and that's okay, man. That shit takes time. She was really hurt when you left."

My goddamn balls felt like they were in my stomach as we lifted even higher, the chair creaking under our asses. "Is this thing safe?"

"Yeah, man."

I gave him a skeptical look. "Okay. I know she was hurt, but I'm trying to make up for that now. She has to see that and assuming she does, she could open up at least a little. There have been moments where I'm like, oh my God, there she is. But then she withdraws within the blink of a fucking eye."

The wind howled around us as we climbed ever higher toward the top of the mountain. As I noticed the fresh air, the cloudy sky, the dense and snow-covered forest beyond the resort, I could understand why Mandy loved this state so much. It made me miss the only trip we'd had here together, the one where I'd finally worked up the nerve to kiss her. My palms had been so sweaty in the frigid winter air and I'd worried about touching her skin, about whether she'd think I was gross for sweating so badly from my nerves.

She didn't, though.

"You really broke her by leaving, Jack. I don't think you realize how much," Wade said, his voice quiet. "You weren't there, man. She called me almost every day. I don't know if she knew for sure that I knew where you were, but she at least had an inkling. She cried over the phone; daily turned into weekly and weekly turned into monthly until it slowly fizzled out, but that took almost a year."

Wade knew where I was. In fact, I think he might have been one of the only people that did. My family knew I was gone and that I was safe, but Wade was the only person I kept in contact with. But it was infrequent. He'd been sworn to secrecy even to this day. "I didn't have a choice," I muttered through a steeled jaw, the words hurting as they left my mouth.

The hump of snow hitting my skis warned me that it was time to get off. Wade lifted the bar, sliding effortlessly into a standing position, poles on either side of him. I, on the other hand, barely managed to stay on my feet.

I followed him to where the course began, little yellow flags lining the basic route and red ones lining the harder track. I already knew which one Wade would be going down on. "Jack."

I turned, my poles stuck firmly in the ground, my skis slipping a little under me. "Yeah?"

"You should tell her what happened," he said, his eyes solid as they stared at me, not a hint of joking around in his expression. "It's the only thing that will help her to trust you again."

No. It was the only word that ran through my head, echoed over and over again. Revisiting that time of my life, having to explain it, having to feel it again… I wasn't sure I could do that. "I don't think it'd change anything," I replied. "She's determined to hate me no matter what."

"She'll always wonder about it, man. It'll hang over her head until you tell her." He placed his ski goggles on his face, twisting into his starting position and holding himself in place with the poles. "Just think about it."

Within a second he was gone, expertly skiing down the hard lane. Clumsily, I pulled my own goggles down, pushing off the top of the mountain and aiming straight toward Wade. I knew my chances of catching up with him were slim to none but I had to try. I had to prove to myself that I wasn't so far removed from skiing as well as with Mandy. I needed one thing I could latch on to.

Turns out that trying to keep up with an ex-professional skier is harder than I thought. He was flying down the mountain, deep between turns in the trees, avoiding every obstacle that popped up along the route. That left me alone, soloing down the mountain with nothing but my thoughts, trying not to fall.

"Jack."

I turned my head, the sound of my name echoing in my mind catching me off guard. There wasn't anybody around me.

"Jack. Fuck, oh my God, Jack, yes."

Mandy. I could hear her voice as clear as if she were standing right next to me but it was only in my head. Ten years ago back to that night.

"I think you're going to make me come. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, Jackson."

Mandy's eyes rolled back as her fingers dug into my shoulders, her nails biting, and one by one, her muscles tensed as she cried out. Her body shook, little aftershocks rolling through her. I coached her through every single one.

"Fuck, princess," I chuckled, kissing her lips, her cheeks, her chin. "You handled this like a champ."

She giggled as she caught her breath. I'd already found my release inside of her, buried so deep that I thought I'd never come out. She deserved to get hers, too. "Thank you," she breathed. Her unruly hair was fanned out across the pillow, and I swept it to one side as I laid down beside her, careful not to lay on a single strand.

"You're welcome." I tucked myself in closer to her, the sheets pooling around her waist as she breathed heavily on her back. I traced little circles with my fingertips in the center of her chest, over and over, my eyes growing heavy. I could tell her, I thought, the idea of confessing even more of my wants with her pinging around in my head. I wanted her, I loved her, and I could keep her forever.

Before a word was able to cross my lips I was too far gone into sleep, too calm with her next to me.

When my eyes opened again, they were trained on the soft glow of my phone screen. It buzzed softly, a number that I recognized far too well. Against my back, Mandy's warmth clung to me, her soft breaths telling me she was still fast asleep. Hesitantly, I lifted the phone to my ear.

"What? It's three in the fucking morning," I whispered harshly. Phone calls from them were never good, and I'd never received one this untimely.

"Ten-twelve-eighteen-two," the person recited. It was a passcode, a notifier that this was an important call, indeed from the people I suspected.

"Eight-six-fourteen-twenty," I said quietly, irritation dripping off every word. "Now what the fuck do you want?"

"Stay where you are."

Goosebumps prickled my skin.

"We will be there soon to collect you."

"How long?" I dug my fingers into the pillow as Mandy breathed against my back, her warmth spreading.

"Five minutes."

I hung up the phone and set it gently on the bedside table. The temptation to slam it instead was raw and unhinged, but I didn't want to scare her.

Slowly, I rolled, pulling her into my arms as softly as I could. I wanted to wake her, wanted to tell her I had to leave but that I'd be back soon. I didn't want her to wake up alone, not after what we'd done tonight. She was mine, my girlfriend, my everything, and I didn't want her to doubt that for a moment.

But at the same time, she was exhausted and she had class in the morning. I likely wouldn't be gone more than a day; I could text her that something had come up and that I'd be back as soon as possible. I would make up an excuse, one that would be believable. I knew if I told her that I was leaving she'd want to come with me.

I planted a kiss on her forehead, just above her brow line before gently moving her arms and crawling from the bed. I found my clothes in the mess of her floor—scattered textbooks and sketchpads strewn everywhere. I wanted to kiss her, to fall back asleep holding her, to tell them to fuck off and let me have one night. But I knew I couldn't.

A small knock at the bedroom door nearly sent me flying to the floor out of sheer fright. They could move silently, I knew that, but getting in the dorm without a single sound was impressive. The door opened as I pulled on my second sock.

Four of them. They'd sent four men, armed to the teeth.

"What's happening?" I hissed, my eyes going wide as I watched them form a line between me and Mandy. Thankfully, she slept. "What's with the fucking guns?"

"We don't have time for questions," one of them whispered, his finger resting on the trigger. This wasn't normal. This wasn't what usually happened—it had always been just one guy that came to collect me. Not four and definitely not with assault rifles. "Get your shoes on, Jackson."

"Where are you taking me?" I breathed, slipping my shoes on one after the other. "How long will I be gone?"

"We can't say. You're going somewhere secure. It'll be for a while," the one on the far right answered. "We need to go now."

"Can I leave a note?" I asked, my panic rising as I realized this wasn't going to be like all the other times. I wouldn't be gone for just a couple of hours, a day at most. This was serious. Something had happened. "Can I text her? I can't just leave?—"

"There's no time." He replied before grabbing my phone from the bedside table and cracking it in half in his gloved hands. "You can't be tracked."

I was going to be fucking sick. I could buy a new phone, no problem, but what the fuck did that mean? "What about my family?"

"Your family is being informed now and are being taken to separate locations."

"I don't want to do this." I stood my ground, my gaze caught on Mandy still sleeping soundly behind them, her hands resting where I had been. "I don't want to go. Tell them to go fuck themselves."

"That's not an option, Jackson. We leave now."

A face full of snow and an aching on my side brought me back to reality, the harsh glow of the sun reflecting off the white powder ground and blinding me temporarily. My goggles were somewhere off behind me, likely buried in my little crash site.

Pulling myself out of the trench I'd unintentionally made for myself, I shook my head, trying to forget. I hated that night. I hated it so much that I wished it had never happened, even with all of the good. I wished I'd woken her up. I wished I'd told her I loved her. At least then it would have been out in the open before my life changed for the worse.

My heart belonged to her. It always had, it always would. I had to win her back. I had to fight for this.

I had nothingwithout her.