30. Jamie

I'm still on a high by the time I get back to the campaign office.

Tonight went better than I ever could have hoped. Last night, I'd basically given up all hope that I'd sound any more competent than my opponent. But after the way Adrian talked me through some of my panic, then thoroughly took me apart until I was basically a pile of goo, it was like a switch flipped. I woke up feeling like a new man.

I'm not delusional enough to think that sex fixed my brain. During our pre-sex talk, Adrian finally made me realize that nothing can just fix it—that my anxiety and burnout aren't something I can wave a magic wand over to make it disappear. Also, that it comes and goes like waves, and like waves, when it recedes, it can still come back. It's nice to know that being bossed around and made to come so hard I can't string two words together for ten minutes can reset my brain like that, though.

I'm taking tonight as a win. I felt good. Confident. It was like I was back in my high school debate classroom. I loved being up there, firing back against the bullshit leaving my opponent's mouth. Not even Mina scolding me for going off-script in my closing statement can take that from me. Especially since I feel like I killed it, even though I was figuring out what to say as I was saying it. It felt like my very own Leslie Knope moment. And there was no way in hell I was going to let Mitchell get away with explicitly calling Adrian out.

But I'm especially taking it as a win because I didn't choke when I saw Mitchell. I think Adrian was absolutely right—Mitchell is a trigger for me. But somehow, just knowing that helped me get power over him. I've always operated better when I have as much information about something as I can, so the insight into why I might be feeling the way I am helped immensely.

When Mina and I step into the conference room, everyone has mostly cleared out. My parents had texted me their congratulations as soon as the debate was over, saying they needed to get home since it's a school night. Riley and Daniel also seem to have left, so it's only Ben and Adrian left.

Ben stands and gives me a curt nod. "Good job, sir."

"You're not going to yell at me for going off-book?" I joke, although I have to admit his approval means a lot.

"Not tonight," he says.

Yup, there it is.

"Go home," he continues. "We'll debrief in the morning."

"What time? I have to take Adrian to the train station in the morning." I look at Adrian as I say it, and almost frown when I see the crease between his brows and the way he's folded in on himself in the desk chair.

"Ten," he replies. He grabs his briefcase and rounds the table to head for the door. "But really, good job tonight, sir."

"Thank you, Ben. Good night," I say, my focus still on Adrian.

He was fine when I left for the debate. A little quiet, but he's an introvert by nature, and there were a lot of people he barely knows. When we were alone, though, he was smiling, mostly relaxed. Now he looks like Molly when a loud noise on the television spooks her—like he's about to bolt.

Mina turns to me, dragging my attention away from Adrian. "I'm going to walk out with Ben. But great job," she says before giving me a hug. "Adrian—"

He blinks for a moment, then seems to come back to himself and stands. "It was good to see you, Mina," he says.

"You, too." She gives him a quick hug. "Thank you for coming down to get our boy to relax. Clearly, whatever you did last night worked."

He chuckles, but it sounds forced.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow," she says to me before turning on her heel and heading out.

Once she's gone, I turn back to him and grin. "Hey."

"You did great," he says with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

I close the distance between us and pull him in for a hug. "Thanks, darlin'."

His arms circle my waist, but when he doesn't melt against me like he usually does, I can't help leaning back to inspect his face.

"Is everything okay? Is something wrong?"

He shakes his head, and his shoulders relax a little. Although it seems like a conscious effort. "I'm just tired."

I sigh and give him a serious look. This isn't just him being tired. "Talk to me."

He bites his lip. "I'm having a bad anxiety day. I didn't want to say anything and distract you before the debate."

I frown a little. That sounds exactly like him, but it also doesn't sound like the whole of it. I don't want to push it too much, though. So I force the worried voice in my head away, lean forward, and press a kiss on the crease between his eyebrows. "I'm sorry. You still could have said something, but I appreciate you thinking about me like that."

He hums noncommittally, and I kiss his brow again.

"Would tea and cuddling help?" I ask.

"It wouldn't hurt," he replies.

"I'll take it," I say with a chuckle. "Come on, let's go home."

He's quiet the entire drive home, but not as withdrawn as he was before. And while we sit on the couch with our tea, he seems to calm even further, so it probably is exactly as he said—just a bad anxiety day. But as we're getting into bed, and he settles on his side facing away from me, I can't shake the feeling like there's something he's not saying.

Adrian Wilks 3

Oct 12, 6:03 PM

Home yet?

About an hour ago

Okay good. You didn't text so I got a little worried

Sorry Joseph and Molly were demanding food. I also figured you were busy with campaigning

Not too busy to know if my wonderful boyfriend died in a fiery train crash or not

I'm pretty sure if there'd been a fiery crash on Amtrak you would have heard about it before now

Okay fair. But still

And actually now that the debate is done we're pretty much focused on GOTV stuff which is more my volunteers than me

Although I do actually have a meeting I need to run to. But I'll call you tonight before I go to bed?

Sure

Cool

Miss you already 3

Oct 17, 6:40 PM

I saw my doctor today

What did they say?

She gave me a prescription to manage the reflux. It should be better than what I've been taking. But she's also referring me to a specialist to get an endoscopy because she is also worried about potential esophagus damage.

Is it a PPI?

Yup so I have to take that daily now instead of as needed

I also mentioned the anxiety and burnout stuff and she gave me something to help with it for the short term

She didn't refer you to a psychiatrist first?

She was going to but I knew I wasn't going to be able to get in before the election so she gave me something short term. It's technically some sort of antihistamine but it helps with anxiety

But if things are still bad in a month I'm gonna have to make a psych appointment

Hydroxyzine?

Yeah that"s it

Yeah I've prescribed it to dogs for motion sickness and as a mild tranquilizer

So I probably shouldn't take it if I can't afford to be really sleepy

I wouldn't recommend it

I would suggest starting to take a calcium supplement though. PPIs can reduce calcium absorption and since you already avoid dairy it puts you at a higher risk for bone density problems later on

See this is one of the reasons why having a doctor as a boyfriend is amazing

Thanks darlin' 3

Oct 21, 6:45 PM

Hey darlin' can we push our call back half an hour?

I got caught up at the office and I'm leaving now but I know I won't be able to make it home in fifteen minutes

Sure

Thanks. You're the best