Chapter 28

28

Earlier the same day…

“Spence?” Calliope rose on her elbow from the cushions of the settee.

As Spencer entered the shabby sitting room in Roxburgh Place, Calliope and Nathaniel’s London house, his heart broke all over again at the sight of his sister’s big blue eyes. They seemed especially large against her pale face just a shade off-green.

The rest of the family—including Preston, Penelope, Richard, Nathaniel, and Grandmama—all stared at him with various degrees of astonishment, save Jane, who stood up and walked to stand by his side.

“I told him we’d all be here,” she said, and Spencer gave a polite smile to everyone.

“Well done, Jane,” said Grandmama.

“I couldn’t miss your name day,” he said to her. “Many happy returns.”

He felt guilty, knowing he’d been pushing them away when they’d been trying to reach out, to get him back.

He supposed he still wasn’t really back. Not entirely. Perhaps he never would be.

He went farther into the room and kissed Grandmama on her soft, papery cheek, then finally put down his hat on the sideboard and handed her a wrapped box. “For you.”

“Ah, thank you, darling,” she said and kissed him back. “I knew you wouldn’t miss your old grandmama’s birthday.”

“Spencer…” Preston stood up from his seat next to Penelope, once again astonishing Spencer with the soft, domestic look on his face…a face that Spencer was so used to being angular and fierce and cold. “Come in.”

“Would you like some tea, brother?” asked Calliope, who, despite her clearly poor condition, leaned over the table, ready to pour him a cup.

“I would, yes,” he said as he clenched his hands, wishing for something to occupy them.

“Let me do it, love,” said Nathaniel, but she shook her head.

“I’m fine,” she insisted as she poured. “I’m afraid we’re all here because of me. Although Penelope’s ginger buscuits are helping, and I’m not that nauseated today.”

“That’s good,” said Spencer, accepting the cup with a saucer from her hands.

He stood between her and Preston, and as Jane returned to her seat next to Grandmama, a silence fell on the room. They were tense, looking around at one another, stealing uncomfortable glances…and all because of him. He should never have come. He missed them, but now that he was here, he felt lonelier than ever.

He took a sip of milky tea, and the clink of the cup against the saucer was the loudest sound in the room.

This was a mistake. He’d just stay a little longer and make his excuses.

Blackmore had delivered. Last night, two very handsome twin brothers had arrived at his door, one dressed in black and the other in white, and handed him a leather roll.

Spencer wondered who they were and how they had gotten a hold of the documents, but the two mysterious men had disappeared before he could ask.

There it all was. Black ink on white paper. The deeds of lands. Financial reports. Names of clients and managers.

And yet, instead of the triumph of victory, Spencer was filled with a nagging, aching, prickling loss. He’d lost himself. His family. His body. His title.

But most importantly, he’d lost Joanna.

“Is Miss Joanna Digby all right?” asked Grandmama, as if reading his thoughts, and Spencer’s teacup rattled as he squeezed the handle too hard.

The mention of the woman he loved was like a knife cutting straight into his heart. He glanced at Preston and Penelope, both sitting on the settee. He could see his brother’s hand touching hers, as though no one would notice, his pinkie finger caressing his wife’s. And there was a healthy blush on her cheeks and the expression of absolute love and happiness in Preston’s eyes.

And, unlike about two weeks ago, when Spencer thought he’d drown from sorrow as he knew Penelope would never be his, there was nothing in Spencer’s heart but contentment and joy for them and their happiness.

All he wanted was to sit like this with Joanna and put a healthy, happy blush on her cheeks, as he would covertly caress her hand when he thought no one would notice.

“I do not know, Grandmama,” he replied, his voice strange and tense. “I don’t know how she is.”

“Who is Miss Joanna Digby?” asked Calliope as she reached out to take a ginger cookie.

“Spencer bought her a building in Cheapside,” said Grandmama treacherously.

Spencer’s jaw worked as all pairs of eyes settled on him again.

“Grandmama,” he said. “You promised you wouldn’t say anything!”

“Oh, did I?” she asked innocently. “I beg your pardon, darling. I suppose it’s my old, forgetful mind.”

She gave a sweet but satisfied smile to him and everyone.

“Is she not the Duke of Ashton’s niece?” asked Preston. “The one you caught falling from the balcony?”

Gasps came from around the room.

“You caught her falling from a balcony?” demanded Richard. “Well, who’s romantic now?”

Spencer shook his head. “Definitely not I.”

They wouldn’t think him romantic if they knew of the wager he had proposed to Joanna…and won.

“Well, what is going on between you and her?” asked Calliope. “And how is she connected to the Duke of Ashton? Is she really his niece?”

Spencer considered denying everything, pushing them all away, just like he had in the beginning. He considered running away once more. From them. From pain. From looking at himself in the mirror.

But he glanced around the room. His eyes landed on his happy sister, who was now the duchess of the poorest duke in England and lived in a grand, but decrepit mansion. He knew she hadn’t wanted to get married, that she had always seemed too strong, too independent to have a husband. And yet, she had given up her independence and agreed to a marriage of convenience to gain Nathaniel’s help—for Spencer.

And not just her. He looked at Richard, who’d agreed to marry the sister of the most dangerous criminal lord in London to get information he’d hoped would help to locate Spencer. His youngest brother had almost been shot for his troubles.

And finally…he looked at Preston. His brother, who was so grief-stricken and filled with rage that he had married the daughter of his enemy—Lord Neville Beckett, who had hired Thorne to give Spencer a beating that Preston believed had killed his brother—to avenge Spencer’s death.

They had all changed their lives, had all sacrificed something, for him.

Did they not deserve for him to do the same for them? To give up the walls he’d built to protect the new, empty, vulnerable self who came back from the war? To drop his defenses and become vulnerable for his family as they had for him?

“What is it, Spencer?” asked Preston.

Spencer retrieved the leather roll with all the evidence, all the hard work gained through his rivalry with Joanna, and held it out before him.

“It’s all here,” said Spencer. “All the evidence against the man who robbed me of my life. And I think you deserve to know who that is.”

“It’s Miss Digby’s uncle,” said Calliope. “The Duke of Ashton.”

Spencer’s mouth fell open. “How do you know?”

She shrugged one shoulder. “We had to keep an eye on you, even if you didn’t want to see us. We knew the vile man might not stop. Would not stop. So we had someone follow you.”

“Wait… The man with the scar who followed me in Whitechapel? And the three men who came to my rescue three days ago?”

“Indeed,” said Calliope. “We planted several agents. A piece of information here,” she said casually. “A piece of gossip there. Several people had seen the duke and Admiral Langden in tense conversation on multiple occasions, which is what first got our attention. Then Sebastian mentioned Ashton’s letter to his mama when Ashton was visiting America. And then Nathaniel saw Ashton’s walking stick when he went to the House of Lords…the one with a walrus-ivory head…and that brought all of it together.”

Spencer watched her in astonishment. “How could I ever think that you would keep your distance from this danger, that there was any way to keep you from learning the truth?” He chuckled, his heart warming with the love he had for his sister.

She smiled at him. “You just forgot a little… and you have every right to, with everything that’s happened to you.’”

He nodded and sighed.

“May I read those documents?” asked Calliope. “Just so that I can see the evidence?”

He nodded and handed the leather roll to his sister. The rest of the family gathered around her, and every one of them received a letter or a document to examine.

But as Penelope stood up to walk over and take a document, Spencer stopped her. “Penelope,” he said and then, “Preston. May I have a word with you both?”

Penelope licked her lips, and she and Preston exchanged a glance and nodded. “Of course.”

The two of them followed Spencer towards the windows with cracked glass panes and chipped paint on the wooden frames. Spencer looked out of the window onto the poor state of the outer garden. He was grateful to have learned that Nathaniel would inherit a vast and wealthy estate upon the birth of their child, which would fulfill the terms of his father’s will. He saw repairs were started and was certain that soon this home would be returned to its former glory at his sister’s hands. But he imagined Calliope had experienced a shock on entering her crumbling new home on her wedding day. His heart filled with gratitude.

Could he imagine ever making a sacrifice like that for those he loved? Had he not been selfish enough? And what about Joanna? All she’d done her whole life was make sacrifices for others. All he’d done his whole life was live selfishly, being the heir to a rich dukedom, and then a duke himself.

He’d taken everything from her—her virginity, her honor, and now the last chance she had to save her family—for his selfish drive for revenge.

Well, at least he could release his brother and his new wife from obligation.

As Penelope and Preston stood before him, he cleared his throat. Here they were, a perfect example of happiness. It made him ache so much for what he’d almost had, but could never have again, with Joanna.

What he truly wanted was a lifetime of happiness with the woman he loved.

“I just wanted to offer my sincere apologies for making you uncomfortable,” he said, “with my behavior.”

“There’s no need—” began Penelope, but Spencer interrupted.

“Please, Penelope. There is. I just want to make sure there is no more bad blood between us. I loved you once,” he said, and strangely, those words didn’t bring the anguish they would have brought before. “But I don’t anymore.”

He saw relief flooding her eyes and a strange sort of tension being released from Preston’s body.

“I think I have not loved you for many months…perhaps I never really did. I confused true love with an idea of love for the right woman. With the will to live. And the nostalgia for my lost life. Now that I have fallen in love with someone else, I know the difference.”

Preston and Penelope looked at each other with relief and curiosity.

“It’s all right, Spencer,” said Penelope softly. “The most important thing is that you’re safe and you’re back home alive. I hope we can be friends again like we used to be. I always loved you like a friend and will love you even more like a brother now that we’re family.”

He felt a genuine, warm smile form on his lips. “I would like that very much.” He looked at Preston and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “I am very happy for you, brother. Be happy. Both of you. I mean it.”

And he did. The realization that he was setting these two people free from his wrath, from the guilt, from the constant uncertainty of his intentions was like opening up a dam to let the stream run free.

Preston grinned and scooped Spencer into a bear hug, and Spencer wrapped his own arms around his brother, and something began to grow together again in Spencer’s soul.

When they came apart, Penelope had tears of joy in her eyes and a soft smile on her lips.

“Thank you for saying that, Spencer,” she said. “It truly means a lot.”

“Now tell me,” said Preston thoughtfully. “Is Miss Joanna Digby the woman you said you’ve fallen in love with?”

Spencer took in a deep breath. It was one thing to admit something like this to himself. It was another to admit it to others. But he had nothing more to lose now that he had lost her.

“Yes,” he said, and there it was again, that crack in his heart. “Yes, she is the one.”

“And why are you not introducing her to us? Why are you not proposing? Is it because she’s Ashton’s niece?”

“No,” he said. “It’s because I ruined everything.”

And just like that stream breaking through the dam, he kept talking, telling the two of them of everything that had transpired between him and Joanna. His desperate hunger for revenge, their rivalry, and how they had begun working together—and how he had betrayed her.

“So even though I love her, and I did it to protect her. I did take away her chance of saving her sister from ruination and her brother from losing everything he was owed. She wants me to marry her. And I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?” asked Penelope.

“Because…because I have nothing much to offer her. I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost so much. I lost everything.”

“And yet,” said Preston, “you gained her.”

Spencer looked at him, frowning.

“I understand the feeling of loss, brother,” Preston said. “We lost you. But you’re back. You’re not the old version of you. Perhaps you feel empty. But maybe it means you’re different. Like, the old you died, and that’s what you feel. But there’s the new you, the one that came back. The one that needs to find himself in this new life.”

Spencer’s heart beat fast in his chest. The truth of Preston’s words rang deep in his soul. He wanted it to be true.

“I wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for Ashton,” he growled stubbornly. “And he has harmed so many others. He needs to be punished.”

“I agree. What are you planning to do?”

“I’ll start a criminal case. With your power as the Duke of Grandhampton and Sebastian’s support, we will hire the best solicitors in England and ensure he hangs.”

Preston cocked his head. “I understand and agree Ashton must be stopped. But is it justice you’re after or revenge? If it’s revenge, you will not get the woman you love. Because if he hangs, her brother can forget about his inheritance and the title. Her family will be deprived of what they’re owed. And she’ll never forgive you.”

Spencer frowned at him, seething. He hated Ashton, nothing would change that. Ashton deserved to be hanged—not just for Spencer’s sake. For thousands of men and the women and families who had lost them. For England.

“I’ve been where you are now,” said Preston. “I was pressing for revenge at the expense of the love of this wonderful woman. And I had to forgive my enemy, because one day, I knew love was more important. Because I knew by holding on to the hatred and to my desire for vengeance, I was losing the only thing that mattered. Penelope. The love of my life. Forgiveness is not excusing the duke’s actions and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring him to justice, just that you do it with a clear mind, not a mind overcome with rage. Then you can finally be whole. And be happy.”

Spencer was silent for a few moments at that. “Happy? Not everyone gets a happy-ever-after, brother.”

He had never promised Joanna a happy ending, had never imagined such a possibility for himself after losing everything he cared about.

And yet, he had been missing her. He had been miserable without her. So sad, his heart was being wrenched out of his body. He had a taste of what his life would be like without her.

Preston was right. Spencer would be boiling in his hatred and selfishness. Alone.

And then what? After Ashton would hang?

Nothing. Emptiness. Loneliness.

He’d die alone, full of regret, thinking about her.

Spencer was about to achieve his goal, but he had lost the love of his life due to his own actions. He didn’t need to betray her. They had a common goal and they worked as a team.

Love was more important, just as Preston had said. Joanna was more important.

For once in his life, it was time to be selfless for her. To show her she didn’t need to be the one making all the sacrifices. He loved her, and it was time someone put her first.

Like she’d always deserved.

It was time to give up his vengeance. Even if he wouldn’t get her back. He wanted her to get what she wanted, what she deserved.

“You’re right, brother,” he said and glanced at his family, all of whom were reading the evidence and discussing it with outraged but hushed tones. “You’re right. She deserves better. I wanted to use the evidence to start the criminal case. But today is the last day for her sister to—” He stopped himself. It was not his secret to tell. “Last day when this can make a difference. I’ll do what she wanted to do from the beginning. I’ll negotiate with Ashton for her.”

“Wouldn’t you lose your chance to start a criminal case, then?” asked Penelope.

“I might,” said Spencer. “But as long as Joanna and her family are safe, it’s worth it. Preston was right. That’s what’s worth living for.” Of course, he’d still make sure Ashton’s spy network and gun manufacturer were shut down so no one else would die because of him and the country would not be betrayed because of him.

As he said that, for the first time in one year, he felt like he was finally himself.

“Everyone,” he said as he walked back to his family. “Please, return the documents to me. I require them to go and confront Ashton.”

Calliope stood up with the papers still in her hand. “Oh, brother, if you think you’re going alone, you’re very mistaken. We won’t let you face that man on your own.”

“Besides,” said Richard. “He did not just do this to you. He did it to all of us.”

Nathaniel nodded. “We’re coming, too.”