Chapter Twenty-Five Felicity
Chapter Twenty-Five
Felicity
O UTSIDE MY WINDOW, THE LIGHT show of the evening sun competes with the vibrant colors of the trees for the most beautiful sight. I want to ignore the soft knock at my door and sit here all night. If I could, I'd hide from the guests who've filled the castle for tonight's ball. Hide from the responsibilities of Jasalyn, Unseelie princess, and sit here and relive every moment of last night with Misha.
But I don't have the luxury of time. Shae made sure of that when he left me with only a few hairs. I have tonight. Tomorrow morning, I'll leave to find the portal.
"Come in," I call, not bothering to move from the window.
My handmaids warned me they'd be here to help me dress early this evening so I could be announced at the ball at the beginning of the night. "As a queen should be," one said, winking at me like she was in on some big secret.
The thought is so laughable. I am no queen. I am the daughter of a horribly evil man, a girl who was raised in the rural farmlands of Elora and has been in hiding her whole life. I grew up running around the farm barefoot with scuffed knees and elbows. The only reason I learned anything about court etiquette was because Hale's mother knew I might need to use my skills to take the form of a royal one day, though in truth she hoped I'd never have to leave the safety of the farm at all.
I hoped the same, but fate had other plans.
"Good evening," someone says behind me.
I turn and straighten at the sight of the former Wild Fae queen. "Queen Amira." I pull my robe together as best I can and dip into a curtsy. "My apologies, Your Grace, I expected my handmaids."
"Please, it's just Amira," she says, gliding into the room. She's so graceful—her movements a perfect match to her peace-evoking presence. She clasps her hands in front of her and gives me a small smile. "I hoped we could speak for a moment before the ball."
Why, yes, I am in love with your former husband, the king, and yes, I am deceiving him every day, and when he discovers I'm not who I claimed to be, he will hate me forever without ever knowing my face. Nice chat. Bye!
I return her smile. "Of course!"
She turns to the wardrobe where my gown for tonight hangs on a hook outside the door. The gown is lovely. A burnt-orange, off-the-shoulder wrap dress that accentuates all of Jasalyn's best attributes—her coloring as well as her petite hourglass figure.
It's not the first time I've wished I didn't have to be here stuck in this form, but I dread the fuss over the dress and makeup and hair for tonight. I have no doubt that by the time I step into the ballroom, I will look beautiful. Because Jas is beautiful.
And when Misha looks at me and his eyes go dark, when he tucks his hands in his pockets as if he's struggling to keep them to himself, I already know it will hurt a little, and I will have no one to blame for that hurt but myself.
I've let this go on too long.
When Amira turns her gaze from the dress to me, her brow is wrinkled. "You don't like it?"
I wince. As an empath, she must find my conflicting emotions confusing, given how beautiful the dress is. "I do." Emotion clogs my throat. "I think it might be the loveliest dress I've ever worn."
She cocks her head to the side, studying me. "But you aren't sure what Misha will think." She sighs and glances toward the bed. "May I sit?"
"Um . . . yes, if you please."
She smooths her skirts and takes a seat on the edge of the neatly made bed. "Misha isn't simply my king and my former husband," she says. "He is my dearest friend."
I clasp my hands in front of me. "Of course. He's told me as much. I admire the relationship you two have."
Her eyes are bright with sincerity. "When he brought you to Castle Craige, he never intended for anything..." She clears her throat and drops her gaze to her lap. This is not a female who meddles. She's here because she loves Misha—no other reason—but this is awkward for her. "Well, I don't want you to think this was all some grand scheme to win your hand. He brought you here as a favor to Abriella, and I believe the change that's arisen between you two has been a surprise to you both."
I grip one hand in the other so tightly I'm likely to bruise. "What are you trying to say?"
When she lifts her gaze to meet mine, her eyes are brimming with tears. "All I want is for him to find the love he couldn't have with me. And while I know it's not my place to be here or to say anything to you at all, I know him well enough to know how he's come to feel for you. My gifts being what they are, I know you"—she blows out a breath—"I know you are not the same scared little girl that I met last time I visited the shadow court, but I also know what you feel for Misha terrifies you. I feel it every time I see you look at him. I don't know if it's because he's fae or because he's king or because anyone with any sense of self-preservation feels at least a little scared of love so big, but I'm asking you..." She looks away, as if she can't bring herself to finish that sentence.
"What?" I ask.
"I want to ask you to give him a chance." She sniffs and wipes the tears from under her eyes. "But that's not fair, given all you've been through and been asked to do. So instead, I'll just say please don't hurt him."
The ache in my chest is too big. "I don't intend to," I say softly.
She holds my gaze for a long moment before giving a curt nod. "Thank you. I will see you at the ball."
When I look in the mirror, I'm both awed and saddened by the image I see there. My handmaiden dabbed a pink gloss on my lips and lined my eyes with kohl before setting my hair into curls she let cascade down my back.
Misha's gaze will no doubt linger on me tonight, and each longing glance will be a turn of the knife I've put in my own chest.
What would I see in his eyes if he ever looked upon the real me? Maybe it's better that I don't know. Maybe that would earn me nothing but pain.
"It's time, milady," my handmaid says.
I smooth out my dress and follow her into the hall, where a sentry greets me. He offers me his arm and escorts me down the stairs and along the winding creek through the castle to the ballroom doors.
"Wait here until they announce you," he says, and moments later the doors are thrown open to reveal a grand stone staircase that descends into the courtyard. The space has been transformed into a ballroom for the occasion, lit by twinkling orbs that float over the dance floor with the moon and stars above.
A booming voice says, "Jasalyn Kincaid, princess of the Court of the Moon, sister to the Unseelie queen, child of Mab."
Then all eyes are on me. Music plays, and one of Misha's military officers takes my hand and leads me down the stairs and onto the cobblestones that will be tonight's dance floor.
I spot Misha at the other side of the courtyard. He's surrounded by people vying for his attention, but his eyes are on me—slowly sweeping over every inch of me in this dress.
My body goes hot, and my stomach twists with anxiety. He's looking at Jas, not you.
"May I have this dance?" someone asks behind me, taking my elbow in his hand. Before I realize what's happening, the orchestra has transitioned to a soft tune and the handsome white-haired male has swept me into the throng of dancers.
"Good evening," I say awkwardly. I look up into his sea-green eyes and nearly stumble at the sight of the male looking back at me. The Seelie king. I'm dancing with King Ronan .
"You made quite the entrance," he says. "Every pair of eyes will be on you for the rest of the night."
My cheeks heat. "I don't know about that."
"I do. Half the females here are trying to win Misha's hand, and now they've seen the way he looks at you. You have a target on your back whether you like it or not."
"That wasn't my intention."
"I wasn't trying to imply that it was." He smiles, and his eyes crinkle in the corners. "It's good to see you, Jas. I've missed you."
Oh no. They're friends? "It's probably my fault," I say, dodging his gaze. "I admit I've not been good about keeping the company of others in the last few years."
His expression softens. "I don't blame you. If anything, I should've done more to find time." He lowers his head so his mouth is by my ear when he says, "I am still your friend, just as I was in Elora, and I am here for anything you need. Please know that."
I swallow hard, unsure what to make of that and positive a response is more dangerous than my silence.
The song ends, and King Ronan steps back, squeezing both of my hands. "I have no doubt you will be kept busier than you're prepared for tonight, so I will say now that I hope you come visit me at the Golden Palace. You are welcome anytime. It would do my heart good to have an old friend walking the halls."
I squeeze his hands in return. "I appreciate the offer, and I'll consider it."
He glances over my shoulder and nods toward the opposite side of the courtyard. "Now, make your way toward Misha before he explodes from jealousy."
He winks, and I take two steps away before I spot Misha. He's speaking with a beautiful fair-skinned female with silky dark hair. Their bodies are angled toward each other as if they're in the middle of a private conversation. He's laughing.
He deserves to be happy.
"Look at you," someone says, touching my shoulder.
I spin and my eyes go wide. The queen. "Abriella!" I squeak.
"Surprise!" She leans forward to press a kiss to my cheek.
"Why didn't you tell me you'd be coming tonight?" I'm not sure what I would've done if I'd known. Likely I would've feigned sickness and stayed in my room.
No. I would've risked saying the wrong thing to the princess's sister. I would've risked exposure. Just for this last night with Misha.
"Honestly, I wasn't sure we were going to be able to make it and didn't want to risk disappointing you." Abriella glances over her shoulder, where Finn stands. He surveys me with silver eyes that—
My stomach clenches at the sight of those silver eyes. Just like his uncle's. I'll never be able to see eyes like that without remembering the horrors Mordeus made Jas endure. Did she think of Mordeus every time Finn looked at her?
Brie exchanges a look with Finn, and when she turns back to me, she lowers her voice. "We were helping Sebastian with a problem in the Court of the Sun. It seems there's a sector of his population demanding he take a wife."
I paste on a smile, though I have no idea who Sebastian is. "Does he have any prospects?" I ask.
"His advisors made a suggestion, but I'm not sure I like it."
"What's that?" I ask.
"I'm not sure you would like it either." She cocks her head to the side, studying me. "Especially if what I hear about you and Misha is true?" My cheeks heat, and all my worries about not knowing any Sebastian skitter away. A grin splits across the queen's face. "I'll admit I always hoped you two might truly see each other."
I bow my head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
She wraps an arm around my shoulders and leads me to a less crowded corner. "You don't need to be ashamed, Jas. Tell me everything."
I shake my head. "There's nothing to tell."
"The red in your cheeks says otherwise." She glances over her shoulder, and I follow her gaze to the male in question. I realize he's watching me— no , watching Jas. "The way he looks at you says otherwise."
"It's nothing. We've become friends."
"He's searching for a wife, and he's spending all his time with you instead of the females he should be courting. That means something."
"Well, you did ask him to, did you not? Spend time with me? Get me out of my room and away from my books?"
She waves this away. "I need to know what you think about this. I know you didn't want to leave the shadow court, but you look so good and seem to be settling in beautifully here. If Misha is interested in pursuing something more , would you be interested?"
My heart aches. Misha is caring and thoughtful, and he deserves better than the games I'm playing. I don't know if he and the real Jasalyn would make a good couple or not, but I hate that I'm interfering with his future like this. Worse is that, deep down, I know that I would stay longer if I could. I would give myself more time with Misha. Even if none of this is real. Even knowing it would hurt that much more when the time to leave comes.
Tomorrow. This will be over tomorrow.
I stare at my shoes. "I don't think so."
I can feel the shadow queen's disappointment, but I don't look up.
"I won't push you," she finally says, "and I will always fight for you to have full agency over your future. I don't want you to be a political pawn, but, Jas"—she waits until I meet her gaze—"you need to know that as long as you're single, advisors of every court will attempt to use you that way. If you have a chance to pursue a relationship that is truly based in love, that is what I want for you."
I nod but avoid her eyes. "Thank you."
With a sigh, she squeezes my shoulders. "We need to make our rounds. Unfortunately, Finn and I can't stay long tonight, but we are planning to return next week for a proper visit."
"I'm glad you got to come."
She pulls me into a hug and whispers in my ear. "You deserve all the happiness. If you catch even a glimpse, run after it and grab it with both hands."
Her words remind me so much of something my mother would say that my eyes burn, and my throat feels thick with tears. I want to tell her that she never failed Jas, that the princess is lucky to have a sister like her, that any secrets Jas has were secrets kept in an effort to protect Brie. But I can't, so I only nod.
"I will see you soon." She peers over my shoulder, toward Misha. "Think about what I said."