Chapter 12 - NamidJayce

Chapter 12

Namid

Jayce feels like anger and confusion and frustration even through the door, and when I open it, he just stands there staring at me. I always knew this would end badly, but that doesn't mean I'm ready. I'm not ready, but there isn't anything I can do standing here in the aftermath. Maybe it's better that I have to let him go now before I fall even deeper. At least I got to know what it feels like to fall in love.

He doesn't reply when I say that I'm sorry yet again or when I tell him I'll get his key; he just stands there radiating fear and confusion, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to save our friendship.

When I turn away, his hand grips my wrist, and I brace myself. I don't know why he's grabbing me or what he plans to do, but it can't be good. He doesn't feel anything good right now.

He pulls my wrist .

He pulls me close, and he's holding me, and in a single instant, everything has changed. The whole world has transformed. He's confused and afraid, but there is love. There is so much love, and it's joy and passion and magenta and gold, and it's so much more intense and all-encompassing than I'd ever imagined it could be. It's so much deeper and more powerful than even the pain and sorrow I felt from him when he lost Jordyn. It's so much stronger. It's more than I ever imagined it could be. It's everything.

He's rambling, and he can't find words and…

"It's okay." I let my hands move to his back the way they've wanted to so many times before.

"It's okay. I feel you now."

He sobs into my neck, and there is no more fear and no more confusion. There is only love burning across my skin and sinking into my bones and swirling around us until the air is full and heavy and nothing else exists.

His feelings mirror my own, and they combine inside my chest and sweep me away until there is only warmth and cinnamon and leather and strength. I tighten my arms around him, and a trembling exhale shakes itself from his throat to settle against the skin of my neck. I melt into him, crushing our bodies together until there is no space, no air. There is nothing but him.

My fingers trace along his spine as he crushes me against his chest. He's broad and thick and strong as he curls his body around mine.

He is everything .

"It's okay. Everything is okay now. Come on. Let's talk…yeah?"

He nods against my shoulder and sniffs quietly before he pulls away. His sudden retreat feels like diving into ice water. He's standing close and his fingers lace their way into mine, but I still have to remember to breathe as I adjust to the absence of the warm crush of his body.

I lead him to my small couch and settle next to him, one leg curled up tightly under my hips. His hand hovers briefly before he lets himself rest it gently on my knee, and I swear I hear him sigh into the touch.

"Jayce."

My voice is quiet, almost a whisper, almost a prayer, as I watch him cautiously. I don't understand what's happening here. How has he been hiding this?

"I don't understand. You've never felt like this before. People can hide what they feel from everyone else. They can change their behaviors and smile and pretend, but not with me. I feel Jayce. I feel everything. How? How am I feeling this from you right now?"

He flinches as I speak, but his hand stays on my knee.

"You're my friend. You're my friend, and I thought you were straight."

His voice is broken and harsh, and he stops like that's enough, but it's not. It's not nearly enough. He's my friend, and I've always thought he was straight as well. Hell, a part of me still thinks he is, but I fell in love with him anyway. I've always known I was in love with him. For the first time in my life, I'm not sure I can trust what I'm feeling.

"Jayce. It doesn't work like that. That's not…that's not an explanation. What I'm feeling from you doesn't just appear in an instant. Am I wrong? Is what I'm feeling wrong?"

He shakes his head, eyes bright with tears that threaten to fall.

"I don't think you're wrong about anything. I think you know what I'm feeling. I hope you do anyway, and I don't think feelings like this just appear out of nowhere either. I think I've had them for a long time, I just honestly didn't realize it. I hid them away, even from myself. I didn't know I still had them until I saw you last night."

"Still?" My voice is a whisper. Still.

"I mean, there was a moment a few months ago when I let myself think…maybe, just maybe. But then, like I said, you're my friend, and I thought you were straight, so I just forced myself to shut it down. I spent plenty of years in my youth living in a fog of unrequited love. It wasn't exactly enjoyable. So, I just sort of learned to turn that part of myself off whenever I'm starting to feel anything even remotely…romantic. It hasn't happened a lot, thank God, but there have been a couple of times over the years. I guess that with you, I managed to hide what I felt from even myself instead of erasing it completely. I mean, it happened so slowly that until I saw you last night, I just told myself it was friendship. I believed myself when I said it was only friendship. "

I'm stunned into silence. Even though the pressure in my chest and the ache in my stomach over thepast few weeks have been nearly unbearable as I've fought to ignore what it would be like to build a life with Jayce, and okay, yeah, even though last night was maybe the worst moment of my life, I can't imagine giving it all up. I can't imagine having the strength to kill the tiny ember of happiness and hope that had sparked inside me when I'd opened the office door and found Jayce looking for his jacket. I don't think I could have smothered it into non-existence. I'd never have gotten to experience all the beauty that has come with the pain. I don't know how he's had the strength to do that each time he's felt some small spark of hope appear.

Jayce is staring at me in the silence. His hand has left my knee, and his fingers are twisting on themselves anxiously.

"The day you showed me your studio." My whisper seems to fill the small room.

His eyes blow wide, and his fingers freeze.

"You noticed that? You really do feel…everything."

I can only nod. What if I hadn't been so scared that day? What if I'd let myself lean into him? Touch him. Kiss him.

"You really remember that?" He sounds almost awed.

The rush of warmth that travels through me at the memory is my own .

"Of course I remember. It's hard to forget the moment when you think there might just be a chance that you'll get what you've been hoping for."

Color rises across his cheeks.

"You wanted…you want me too?"

I can see his heartbeat racing in the side of his neck, and he's leaning ever so slightly toward me. I've never felt like this before and worry that my heart might explode as my voice comes out in a deep, harsh whisper.

"Please."