Jayce

Jayce

Why did I just do that? I don't want to go get coffee with Namid. It's not that I don't want to go with him . It's that I don't want another tea. I don't want to go to the coffee shop. I don't want to go anywhere other than home to strip and fall into bed until I have to drag myself out again on Monday morning, just like I have every weekend for the past two months. I want to hide in the darkness where the pain can't find me. Just like I have during every moment I haven't been obligated to do things I can't avoid - things like remembering to eat and shower. When I leave my bed, all I think about is the fact that when I'm asleep, I can't feel, I can't regret, I can't hurt. When I'm asleep, I don't have to try to convince myself that this lonely life is worth living, even though I'm not sure I believe that.

The invitation just fell out. I know that the way Namid keeps to himself rubs some folks the wrong way. I know the way he showed up with no history and no name and no anything still bothers them. I know people avoid him, and while they're polite to his face, he's not welcome enough to be actively included. He's still other . When he'd stood there with that sad half smile on his beautiful face, holding out a tea he'd gone out of his way to get in a new ceramic cup I hadn't had to ask for, telling me that the whole town hates him so much his very presence in my business is something he felt he should apologize for, my heart broke. I didn't even know the tiny pieces that were left could break any further.

I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time he was working today, about the fact that I've never once seen him with anyone other than Mr. Johnson in the whole ten years he's lived here. Does he even have a friend? Losing my brother and finding myself alone has nearly broken me in eight weeks. Has he really been this alone for ten years?

"It's nice today. Do you want to walk?"

He shrugs on his thin coat. It's still cold outside, but it's nearly summer, and the sun has just started to peek out from behind the thin clouds, so it shouldn't be too bad. The idea of even a quick drive, squished into the cab of my truck, somehow sounds far more awkward than a walk.

"That'd be great."

His face lights up when he smiles at me.

The day continues to brighten as we walk the four blocks to the supermarket coffee shop, and once we have our beverages in hand, grateful for the decent weather, we decide to continue on for another two blocks to the small park in the center of town. It's the end of May, and still snowy, of course, but the short walking trail that circles the park and the few small benches that speckle the edge of the path have been cleared by the city. By that, I mean the mayor brings over his ATV with a plow bolted to the front and a broom for the benches. We find one that's in the sunlight and settle in side by side.

"You've been here for a long time now. Do you like living here?" I'm surprised when the words leave my mouth. I'm even more surprised when I realize that I mean them. I don't want to just talk about the weather; I want to know more about him.

"Well, it's not like I've ever been to the Bahamas or anything, so I can't say that this is my favorite place in the world. This is the only place I've ever been. I could do without the nine months of needing a snowplow, and it would probably be nice to actually feel warm when I'm outside for once in my life, but all that aside, I do really like it."

"Not quite convincing."

"It's peaceful here and beautiful. I spend a lot of time outside when it's nice enough, listening to the wind blowing through the trees and the sound of the birds and the squirrels and the deer just living their lives in the forest without humans bothering them. I love that. I love knowing that there are still wild, unspoiled places in the world. I feel very lucky to be able to observe that here."

At my noncommittal grunt, he just smiles and continues.

"The sky is my favorite thing about this place. We don't get to see the sky as often as I'd like since it storms so much, but when it's visible, it's spectacular. Even when it's five degrees outside, I bundle up and lie on my porch for hours, staring at the stars and the Aurora in the winter and wondering about the universe and my place in it."

I watch his face as he talks, and his expression is almost one of awe or reverence when he speaks about the sky and the universe. I can't remember ever having felt that way about something, at least not since I was a kid. Before I became jaded and worn down by the demands of daily life in adulthood. Before I lost my parents. Before I lost Jordyn. Before I lost everything.

"Jordyn and I have…had…motorcycles. Early every August, we'd drive them down the coast highways to Seattle - that's where our parents were from. On those trips, I'd notice things like that. I'd notice the way the trees move in the breeze and the rays of sunlight that broke through the packed canopies onto the pavement, but here…"

I sigh and look around in thought.

"I guess I've forgotten to do that for a long time."

There is a long pause before Namid speaks.

"You still can, you know. It's all around you still."

I can't trust myself with words anymore, so I only nod and turn my attention to my drink. This is the most I've spoken since I lost Jordyn.

It's quiet for a long time. I wonder if I've said too much, but the silence doesn't feel uncomfortable between us. Maybe it is, and I'm just too broken to recognize things like that anymore, but I don't think so. I shift down on the bench, my ass nearly sliding off so that I can lean my head against the backrest to stare up at the sky and listen to the breeze murmuring through the trees that surround us. Large clouds float through a nearly blue sky, but there is sunlight streaming out between them, and for just a moment, I forget to be broken.